102 thoughts on “5 Ways Narcissists Project and Attack You

  • September 27, 2017 at 12:38 am

    I recognize all 5 of these things very well. I have experienced these very things with my narcissist. I remember how confused I would be about his accusations as and then rt repeatedly telling me to stop turning it. I now fully understand what he is doing.

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    • August 17, 2019 at 5:26 am

      My narcissistic ex uses our teenage daughters for his personal gain. When we separated he lured our teenage daughters, 13 and 15 to live with him so he does not have to pay me any maintenance. My poor girls bit his bait… I cried, begged and pleaded… they left… I had nothing to offered except my unconditional love and guidance. He got them boyfriends – his friend’s sons, bought a BMW sports car for our 15 years old who had turn 16 shortly- she was the wife of his house.
      My then 15 years old now 18 has cut me out of her life entirely. She blames me for everything: for not admiring her dad when he works out at the gym and telling him what a good looking man he is, not giving him credit for running our home, moving us 14 times, not recognizing the neighbours we’re mean to him – all 14 of them…
      Long story short: I can write a book on this individual – I can smell a narcissist from miles away .

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      • January 1, 2020 at 1:14 am

        So sorry that this happened to you! I pray that your daughters will come back to you xx

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    • February 15, 2020 at 10:48 pm

      yes, this is what my husband has been doing for a long time, thanks for the good article; it makes me realize what is going on, especially when he turns the blame back toward me for what he did or how he acted

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  • October 2, 2017 at 9:22 am

    Spot on! Narcissism is tossed around on a societal level these days but your clinical evaluation is so accurate! I have a sibling with NPD and the above described him explicitly.

    Thank you for sharing and helping those who are close to a narcissist.

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    • September 11, 2018 at 5:33 am

      I agree with your assessment. I too have a sibling that’s an NPD.. unknown to me at the time. Who gave me the silent treatment while I was going through my divorce. Since NPD’s don’t look at us like people ( individuals) . My sister didn’t have time or want to take the focus off herself . Just one of the things mentioned in the article I’ve been subjected to by both my father, Sister, & my ex husband.

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  • October 2, 2017 at 11:24 pm

    I lived that life of hell for 5 years. You can’t forget the walking on eggshells all the time afraid you will say the wrong thing to set them off; but the #1 punishment the narcissist LOVES to give is the Silent Treatment!!!!

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    • April 2, 2018 at 1:30 am

      Narcs Love to dish out the Silent treatmeng,as they Hate getting it (Silent Treatment). When you cut All contact with them, they go into Maximum overdrive with Stalking- following you, calling 50 times a day, showing up at your job-work-anothers house, Unannounced & Uninvited, launching a Full on Smear Campaign on You. They are Pure Evil.

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    • January 13, 2019 at 12:50 pm

      So true! I finally left and went “ no contact” with my husband…..BEST decision I ever made! I am so much more relaxed….not anxious all the time.

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      • June 6, 2019 at 10:06 am

        I went no contact as well for my mental healing. He has tried to use other people to guilt me into forgiving him but it is just one of his overused abuse tactics. No contact is the best way against psychological abuse.

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    • April 3, 2019 at 3:30 pm

      YES!! I just shake my head when they tell me they aren’t going to argue, that I just need to find someone else to argue with!! “ I really hadn’t planned on any argument, just want to discuss why they so suddenly charged plans within a few hours of the scheduled event!! They knew they was wrong and it caused a lot of pain!!

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    • August 14, 2019 at 8:15 am

      I have to reply to this.I have been in a relationship with a narcissist (just recently recognized him as such), and he loves to give me the silent treatment. On top of it, I walk on egg shells like you say all the time, in fear of saying the wrong thing and him going off on a tangent where I become the monster and the abuser. It’s hell, and I am looking forward to a way to end it where he will not become as revengeful as he has been with his exes.

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  • November 19, 2017 at 1:33 am

    The only thing worse than discovering you were with a narcissist is seeing the traits show up in their offspring. The guilt for bringing a possibly harmful person into the world can be immense. The most frustrating thing is realizing they believe their self-delusions like no other, and they can’t see that they’re sick. There’s no talking to them. You just wait for the legal age when you can evict them. It’s astounding and horrifying to witness. Therapy is a game for them. They’re either manipulating the situation or practicing their deceptions on the therapist. The years have felt like a total waste, so much unhealthiness. I would have been better off lonely and with a dog, rather than lonely a decade stuck with horrible memories. It takes all you got to move on, with or without relationships. I even want to leave my home town and let the narc son & father have it! Losing my roots hurts, but it’s worth the peace of mind. I just wish my remaining family didn’t have to deal with them. Their powers of manipulation are insane. I hope in the future this gene can be turned off, just like certain cancers. Or maybe their empathy gene can be turned on. Either way, these people bring so much misery that something has to be done to protect everyone else. I find that only people who have lived with a toxic person understands how hard it is to describe the type of abuse they dole out.

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    • April 2, 2018 at 1:47 am

      You are right in saying that People who have Never been in contact with/lived with a Narc, have No idea, & cant Even begin, to imagine what its like. Some have a hard time believeing you.
      It is harder when you have a child with the Narc, & the child begins to behave Exactly as the Narc parent did. You think you have escaped him.
      I had to tell my child/young teen that I Divorced her dad because of His Taunting, Berating & his thinking that He Owned me, & I wasnt going to tolerate it with her. “I” am the ‘Mother’ & She is the child. She would calm down, a little, for a day or 2, & then go right back to her narc ways. After she became an adult, I finally had to cut her out of my life. I couldnt stand her Narcopathy another day. She thinks she’s done Nothing wrong. Its heart breaking.

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      • August 8, 2019 at 1:44 pm

        Thank you so much for sharing! It is never easy to “cut” people from our lives for our own mental health, but so much more difficult when it is a child of yours! I guess, in general, mother’s want to FIX everything.
        It breaks my heart to see my daughter as a NARC and not be able to have a normal relationship.I do now realize- the only person being hurt here is ME and only I can be healthy by keeping my distance.
        I appreciate knowing I am not walking alone . Thank you!

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  • March 23, 2018 at 9:41 am

    Such a twisted and dysfunctional relationship is difficult enough for adults.
    Imagine being a child with a narcissistic parent projecting, twisting, raging, denying and manipulating the child’s psychological identity and reality.

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    • March 26, 2019 at 11:33 am

      Oh my goodness, you are so right

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    • July 9, 2019 at 7:41 am

      I was raised by a narcissistic mother…I didn’t know it at the tome, but i do now. I never understood why she treated me the way she did. Now that I’ve moved across the country, I am shocked at how much better I feel about myself, even though in reality, I’m actually not as…I don’t know…good? I mean, I’m older, heavier, unemployed, and in really bad health compared to before. I have accepted that she will never approve of me, no matter what I do. I always try to remind myself of that whenever we communicate because there will always be a negative comment or innuendo from her, but it still hurts. Just not as long as before. I’ve been able to take pride in the good things in my life, even if she doesn’t like it. I just wish I could have realized the there was nothing wrong with me when I was a kid, but there was something wrong with her.

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      • September 9, 2019 at 2:58 am

        Anitra,

        I, like you, was raised by a Narcissistic mother. I agree with every-single-thing you’ve said. It was therapeutic to read your response, as part of me has always felt somehow “mean” for cutting her out of my life all this time. She has the family ‘ear’ and I’ve been painted the ‘black sheep’, but I don’t mind much anymore. It took 48 years for me to put a name to the behaviors, but at least I finally understood it was not the alcohol that created her, it was the alcohol that revealed her true character. I believe God is the reason I didn’t give up long ago and the reason I can release myself in forgiving her. Thank you for sharing….

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      • October 21, 2019 at 1:16 pm

        Lee, your comment gave me shivers…
        “It took 48 years for me to put a name to the behaviors, but at least I finally understood it was not the alcohol that created her, it was the alcohol that revealed her true character.”
        It took me almost 32 years of searching; why is she the way she is? Am I that unlovable, unwanted, bad? She became an alcoholic, and like you said- It revealed her true character… A dark, twisted, toxic one… I cut her out, felt the immense guilt and let her back in in the worst way possible- I let her in my home… Little did I know, I had invited my childhood into my home… Our relationship ended with her coming to get her belongings from my house with a police escort (turn up the drama, add some sympathy from unsuspecting people, typical her)… I will never again feel guilty or bad for cutting out my own mother… I wish it were different, I wish I were loved by her but it is what it is, I can’t change her… all I can do is try everyday to love myself.

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    • October 21, 2019 at 12:54 pm

      Exactly how I grew up… She would lie to my Father about my behavior and so he’d beat me… She’d just stand there, watching me get beat… I couldn’t speak up for myself, I was still so little… Now I understand why.

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      • February 2, 2020 at 2:16 am

        I am so sorry you had to go through that 🙁 I’m glad you now understand why things were how they were. That helps a lot.

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  • April 1, 2018 at 7:19 pm

    :_-(

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  • April 12, 2018 at 10:30 am

    After 13 months I saw a true narcissist. He verbally / emotionally tore me apart twice now. I’m planning my no contact strategy now. Wish me luck.

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  • May 3, 2018 at 11:45 am

    This is an excellent article and very accurately depicts the behavior of a narcissist. I do have a comment about the use of the word projection. It is my understanding that true projection is largely unconscious. It is my experience that narcissists are entirely aware of their actions and thoughts although they would like you to believe they’re unaware of the harmful, antisocial things they think and do.

    I find it helps me to think of their ‘projection’ (which causes me to want to explain, defend, rationalize with them so they can ‘see’) as the prism of their prospective. They lie, aggress, control, manipulate, attack, are selfish, unempathetic, lack compassion, ect and they think everyone else is doing it as well. The narcissist in my life has taken the time to ‘set me straight’ that I’m just better than he is in pretending (imitating). Now maybe he is ‘projecting’ but that piece of information certainly created the insight for me to see his behavior and actions as a predictable pattern consistent with that belief.

    They are very disturbing individuals that create a lot of damage.

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    • May 18, 2018 at 9:32 am

      this article is spot on for me, an Charlie your comment is insightful, I have seen and feel like you said that they don’t know or at least don’t realize what they are doing, I have asked my N right afterword’s what was said and they could not tell me, could not remember with out my provocation, seems it just comes naturally.
      Also the thinking that everyone else is doing it all so, very important to remember when dealing with them, and there is no convincing them otherwise.
      How can you talk or repair, there thoughts with this.

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  • May 13, 2018 at 5:45 pm

    I live with what I call a “part-time” narcissist. He is generally an (almost) normal, decent, generous man most of the time. Then, like a pot on the stove that gets too hot, he periodically boils over. Then I see it all: the blaming, the gaslighting and projecting, the irrational rages, the need for control–all of it. Classic textbook narcissism. Sometimes, when I refuse to buy into this insanity and totally ignore him, the adult disappears and the 5-year-old child emerges–the “poor me” act–along with sobbing, temper tantrums, and an actually visible regression into young childhood. Needless to say, this is an appalling spectacle.

    Usually I have no idea what prompts these situations, but I’ve figured out that he is angry and (most importantly) feeling impotent over some real or imagined slight that I had nothing to do with. He lashes out at me because I’m convenient and he needs to relieve the pressure that’s boiling over in his head.

    Not fun, but I’ve learned to consider the source and have also learned how to deal with it. He’s very irrational and verbally abusive during these episodes but has never been physically abusive. (He’s also incredibly paranoid. I suspect he’s too afraid of the potential consequences. I once told him I’d find a way to kill him if he ever hurts me.)

    Naturally I don’t love him any more. That died years ago. I could probably leave, but it would be difficult. A handicapped adult son lives with us who is unable to work and money would be tight. I would just be trading one problem for another. So I stay. He’s old now. So am I. Maybe he’ll die one of these days and leave us in peace. I can’t say I wouldn’t miss him because he has many good qualities, but as the saying goes, “If I had it all to do over again…” Meanwhile I just try to enjoy his “good” days and make myself scarce on the bad ones.

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    • May 18, 2018 at 9:43 am

      that is so sad, remember your never to old, I keep telling myself that as I make plans to be finally free. I’m glad you have found a way to cope that works for you.

      I think you might be onto something with your comment of ((( what I call a “part-time” narcissist )
      I think it is always there, just resting for the next episode. how long in-between ?
      mine varies, usually a couple of weeks or three, then I could be a couple of days
      best of luck

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      • May 18, 2018 at 2:38 pm

        Hi Bob. Episodes occur on average three or four times a year, unless something happens to trigger one. Then all bets are off. I manage to cope (and remain quite upbeat) because it isn’t more frequent. As I said, he has many good qualities otherwise, but mental problems are becoming increasingly more noticeable as he gets older. His “normal” days are less normal but, thankfully, not in a narcissistic way–if that makes sense. It’s definitely worrisome, but I don’t think I could just bail on him. My two adult kids and I are all he has.

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    • December 15, 2018 at 10:55 am

      I’ve been married to one for 48 years now. We are 68 now. Just like you , he is part time narcissist. Although he also is a work a holiday and I’m sure (so I’ve been told) that he ‘reacts’ to his employees also.
      I’m on an eight hour trip today with him to pick up our granddaughter. I was actually looking forward to making the trip by myself but our daughter told him about it. So I took two St Johns Wort and will ignore the projection from this morning. Maybe that will be the sum of it for a few days.
      I will be praying for all of you, please pray for me too.

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    • August 14, 2019 at 8:31 am

      Skeezix, I am in the same predicament as yours. My partner is decent, generous and level headed when not emotionally tried, (which can be triggered by a simple request to be more of this or that, but nothing too extravagant).When it happens he becomes verbally abusive followed by the silent treatment. As I have been trying very hard to fix things, I usually apologize for things I didn’t do or say as he depicts them, and right there and then he regresses into the five year old boy you describe. Appalling as you say. I am trying to move on but it is not easy as he owes me a ton of money (I got him out of debt on top of it), and need to be on his good side, as legally there is nothing to prove anything. I am sorry you are staying and pray for my own, quick recovery….

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    • February 12, 2020 at 11:59 pm

      I know what you mean. I was married to a man for 20 years. I left twice and got coerced back. The first time he acted nice. I had just moved into a house so it was empty. He said he would watch the kids while I went to get food. While I was gone he took pics of their ant bites and empty fridge and used it in court to get custody. That’s how he convinced me to come back. I was convinced I was a horrible person and he and my kids would be better off without me because he would make me feel like a horrible mother when he was angry or his feelings were hurt. I almost killed myself 4 times. Then I started hoping he would leave and get in a fatal crash so I could be free. I slowly started to realize this wasnt right. I finally got the courage to end it. The kids are teens. Unfortunately, the damage on them is done, but I hope we can all come back from this. They dont understand why I left him and he plays the victim to them so the harbor anger towards me for making their dad leave. Hang in there. I hope it gets better and you can get out. The longer you are out the more you understand you arent the bad guy and you arent to blame.

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  • June 8, 2018 at 12:08 pm

    Dealing with one now in my family. I “poked the bear” and he is putting in work. He’s an in-law that I discovered was cheating and have proof. Thankfully, I have a wonderful husband that gives me lots of support. Everyone else doesn’t want to deal with it, and choose to stay “neutral.” I can’t help but look at them as disloyal, as I am an integral person and his attacks are lies. He clipped bits and pieces of my Facebook account to say I was talking about him. Complete lie- my Facebook is proof!!! So, the family being neutral is hurtful. My best defense is to walk away- it’s just sad.

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  • September 5, 2018 at 12:02 am

    I’m balling as I write this.. you have perfectly described my ex wife. She is so damaged and so hurtful. She has kicked out most of her own family and is not allowing my children to talk with them. She has burned so many bridges and hurt my children. Can anyone pleas tell me how to deal with this constant nightmare? My girls deserve better.

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    • September 11, 2018 at 11:35 pm

      Steve,

      Dealing with these difficult and often toxic personalities is beyond difficult. As I am unsure of your exact situation such as how old your girls are, who they live with and how often they interact with their mother, advice or suggestions is difficult to provide.

      I can tell you the best advice given from any mental health professional experienced in the trauma created by individuals with narcissistic personalities is no contact. Low contact only if it’s necessary.

      I can also tell you that seeking professional help for (Complex) Post Traumatic Stress Disorder for you and your girls is also recommended and is wise. The damage they create to our sense of self, safety, and functioning takes both time and a lot of work to unravel or we end attracting this type of person again and believing they’re different, they appreciate us.

      Doing all the giving to someone who does all the taking becomes so normalized that it becomes a comfortable place to function from particularly from a safety standpoint. The tantrums, the rages, the hateful nastiness that follows when a narcissist does not get his or her way often causes us to adopt a maladaptive defensive coping mechanism of anticipating their needs before they recognize a need is not being met. This gives us the illusion we are able to make sense from nonsense and bring order to chaos, basically some resemblance of control over our environment. The narcissists ‘happiness’ of our care of them positively reinforces our behavior until it’s so ingrained it’s automatic. Be very aware, the tantrums are punishment for not giving them what the believe they are entitled to when they believe they are entitled to it. They are absolutely training us to take care of their wants and needs.

      It’s my opinion, this is operant conditioning that transitions into classically conditioned behavior on our part and it has to be unlearned, desensitized, and recognized for us to stop doing it.

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  • September 11, 2018 at 12:22 pm

    I have been reading about narcissism for 4 years now but have not been able to find the help I need. My X is a narcissist and the nightmare I lived while married to him is beyond most peoples imagination. My only concern now is getting help for my 5 year old daughter. I have been to court so many times I’ve lost count. My pocketbook is empty and I don’t know what to do. As unbelievable as it may sound he is now with a woman who has millions and they drag me to court every chance they get. Early on I was advised to document his behavior for the court. My experience has been judges don’t take time to read the volumes of documentation I provide to prove my case but instead insist we go to mediation that lasts all of 10 minutes always with the same results “let’s set a new court date” which so far has always resulted in him wanting to settle the day of a hearing, then a couple of months pass and I get a new RFO. I am told he can take me back to court as often as he wants, and as I said he has access to unlimited funds. He has had 4 high priced attorney’s who have all been let go after siding with me. The one he has had for the past 2 years must like the money as there appears to be no end in sight. You can’t prove narcissism to a court that won’t take the time to review 4 years of documents that prove your case. I have never spoken ill of our daughters father to her as I don’t know how to explain what is going on to a 5 year old. She constantly returns home with new accusations her father has made about me and I can see his tactics are working. I am afraid of the courts because I am constantly being threatened with losing custody. One quick example is when the case started I brought the courts proof of his drug use, the case took 6 months to go to trial, because 6 months had passed I was told my evidence was too old and if I didn’t have current proof they would not make him test. During our most recent court appearance I had called the police 3 times in a 6 month period to enforce court orders he was violating (again something I was told to do by my attorney, law enforcement, and advice blogs) the results were the judge chastising me for my actions and ordering me not to call the police over custody issues. I know that may hard to believe but it’s a fact and I have the court minutes. In case you think I’m being ridiculous the last time I called was because our daughter was scheduled to be with her father for the weekend. I myself made plans weeks in advance to go out of town because our daughter was going to be with her father. He text on Thursday that he would not pick her up Friday after school to begin his weekend, I told him I was leaving Friday evening for out of town so he needed to come or she would need to go with me. He insisted I stay home until Saturday afternoon when he could come get her. When I refused he threatened to call the police if I took her with me, I then filed a report showing police the text conversation and asking if I was within my rights to go for my scheduled weekend and take our daughter with me. The court order and text where reviewed by the police and I left with their blessing. Only to be criticized by the judge for making the report, and ordered by the judge not to call the police in the future for custody issues. My x quit his job to avoid paying child support and I am the working parent providing for our child. The court has ordered I can’t enroll her in any child care program without his consent, we are in week 3 of trying to get his consent for a YMCA program for after school care. My last communication as of this morning is I do not consent to the Y if you enroll her I will take you back to court. PLEASE, can anyone offer advice? I’m out of money for attorney fees and have lost all faith in the system.

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    • September 14, 2018 at 2:10 pm

      Carol,

      I’m so sorry to hear that you’re having such a difficult time with your ex. It is unfortunately not surprising as narcisstic personalities are often petty, spiteful, and vengeful.

      It is also not surprising that you are having difficulty with judges and the courts. I have learned narcisstic personalities often stick together and are supportive of one another. Those that are functional are often attracted to power positions and attorney and judge positions certainly fit the definition of power positions. We also have, in the the U.S., which I assume you are from, issues with disparate treatment regarding gender equality.

      My guess, from what you’ve described, is that you are being regarded as ‘hysterical and difficult’ with an ‘unreasonable’ expectation regarding the following of the court order by your ex and the documentation you provide. I would expect any flexibility regarding the court order would not be applied to you in the same way. The Internet blog’s are full of stories much like your own.

      From what I have seen from other women in your situation on the many different blogs regarding narcissism is that some women have found relief through a court appointed ‘guardian ad litem’ and, unfortunately, others have experienced problems with their child’s guardian ad litem being unduly influenced by the narcissistic parent. It may be something you want to check out and consider if you haven’t already. I find it surprising the court has not focused on the fact your ex has money to take you to court but not for child support.

      I will say that expecting a narcissistic individual to follow a court order or any societal rules while reasonable is unrealistic. It is both an exciting challenge to manipulate an authority like the court and due to their superior, entitled belief system disrespect and disregard such limitations. There is no higher power than themselves. It is also great fun (as well as a source of narcissistic supply) to harrass, exhaust, and frustrate you in the process. In short, just know he’s getting off on your pain, getting over on the court, and your child is simply a tool to use for his machinations.

      It may help to shift your perspective to what’s best for the child instead of fighting for the following of the court order. It would appear from what you described the court is not interested in fighting for their own order which leaves you out in the cold. Fighting for what’s right, validation, and fair treatment is also a problem we face after extricating ourselves from the sphere of influence of these toxic personalities. This technique most often works against us even as it works for the narcissist, which I have found to be very confusing, but realistic.

      I sincerely hope something I’ve written gives you a new place to work from in such a difficult situation. I have found there are no easy answers, no silver bullet, no savior, and certainly no sense of fairness in dealing with toxic individuals.

      I have also found managing my expectations to low expectations regarding their behavior and results is extremely helpful for my own mental health. I have found that low expectations sometimes create a dynamic that I’m pleasantly surprised with better results. I believe it comes from the the fact that they so often love to prove us wrong. So I may have handled your example of interrupted weekend plans with a calm statement of ‘I’m not surprised, I already made other arrangements’ or ‘oh, that’s fine, I wasn’t certain I wanted to go anyway’ or ‘I figured there would be an issue from your end so I already rescheduled.’ Because your expectations were low these statements would all be true. You have accepted and anticipated your ex is someone who cannot be counted on and will certainly make things more difficult for you anytime he can. And he may need to prove you wrong.

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      • September 20, 2018 at 7:32 pm

        Charlie I’ve noticed your responses a number of times in the comments section, and wished to say a wholehearted thank you for your considered and supportive responses. You and Darius are providing information, support and solace which is so necessary. The experience of relating to a Narcissist, particularly when you are the child, or a child is involved, is deeply traumatising.

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      • September 23, 2018 at 8:31 pm

        Thank you Fiona. I know first hand the pain, confusion and despair created in a narcisstic relationship. I hope what I’ve offered from what I’ve experienced helps in a small way to lighten the burden.

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    • August 14, 2019 at 8:53 am

      I have read the article and most of the comments and they all fit to a T of my current relationship. Projection, verbal abuse, cunning behavior, self-aggrandizement….it’s all there. The worst part for me has been emptying my saving account to help him get his doctorate license back (suspended because of fraud), and to win custody of his kids over his ex (which I wish I didn’t since knowing who I am dealing with I now think that the mom would have been much better for these kids). I doubted everything from the get go, but his acute intelligence, his charisma and his ability to perceive my level of neediness after my divorce after 24 years, all played a part in my gullibility and to my lying to myself. He wants me desperately to marry him, and at this point I believe is to secure a healthy and successful front to his terribly insecure and still unstable social and professional image, but I won’t fall for it, as flattered and as tempted as I was when he first asked me two months in the relationship. My question is: is it curable? Can they get better with the help of a therapist? Can the love of someone turn them into something more decent and introspective? My guess is no, but I thought I’d ask. Thank you!

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  • September 18, 2018 at 5:13 am

    When the narcissist has joined more people that do actually serve him for his position, maybe his money, and I become the victim of crowd stalking, is there anyway of conving him he needs to be in jail. I need them in jail, helpers and all but is difficult , is been more than 15 years he doesn’t stop the stalking, he’s delusional, worse he became university dean ( high positions are the worst for a narcissist ). He met me once in his life we talked a few days 16
    years ago, he became obsessed with me only in 2008, he decided to crash my computers, he hacked my designs , my texts. The narcissist with help his so called friends and co-workers ruined my career. I really do not know how hypnotizing they can get, I became alienated they used my friends to send their intrusive communication. In the end I was left with no friends. he bugged my phone , stole even my designs and made clothes for himself. My friends just obeyed the moron he sent to talked to them. HIs helper probably more psycopath than him, sent thieves to stole my cameras, my money. They made my life hell, the work , he ruined all my art. He became obsessed with my career. to go after it all I did, he ruined my income. Is still happening he tricks people into doing things for him , art posts and in the ends is to show he’s been there and harass me. They never got bored, they had my dog killed. I need people to stop helping them . I’m severely traumatized, is really hard to work. when you are in tears with your mouse in your hand crying your eyes out , you don’t understand why he picked you ? why did he picked me? and why people all over the world help him that or the people he delegates. He want to be gigantic and give and image of terrorising he’s all over the world , all over the art world. The inhumanity of people is really disappointing, no one should be helping the dean or his kid spreading all over. In this site some people I bet they know, they have fallen for the intrusive communication scheme. How come he gets university teachers to help him, journalists, artists, etc. The law has not catched them they still do it. I suffer post traumatic stress, but not post . I’m afraid to update my website I feel the mind block, a break there is used to flow smoothly. But they hacked my blogs , my master thesis, he posted pictures with my stolen jacked. I want people to testify against him and his crowd. I terrible how he spreads in the artworld. They hacked my facebook , they took people out of there, important people for my career. Still no law has been able to stop them. I feel Dan here in the blogs knows something about it. I have no contact with them . This narcissistic stalker does not appear, he hacked my email account, very much obsessed with ruining my life my work , my mother’s, my income. This pages tell me nothing knew that I haven’t come to a conclusion myself just watching from afar his, and their actions. one how do I get my mind without the fear, I think that trauma comes from it , he tries terrorising me in galleries, when they reply back to me ( like them telling me we are with the jerk ) my career social life is impossible if they are not in jail . How to get them in jail , and whet to tell people not to help them . I need to work as I used to , I need to be a fearless workaholic again. Terrible is I need to work online, the kid he uses is like obsessed with harming me to prove something to my original stalker. I post calls and their people get to them to harass me. The idiots , retards want me to feel surround them. The narcissist is too coward to speak because I did tried it, even though I know one as the victim is not supposed to. I see people surviving the narcissist, if they are not in life is there anything I can do to get them from stalking me. My life depends on not having a low profile. That’s what they wanted for me to have a low profile, be less talented, not to have any success, be poor. I want to be able work without the fear , i think they are going to sabotage everything, they eventually do. They obviously do not want to get caught. And the original dean stalks , with that intrusive communication like I’m going to love you ( WTF ? ), but i’m going after all your career.

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  • September 23, 2018 at 1:42 pm

    I just wanted to say thank you for your article. I appreciate how accurate and easy to read it was. My children and I are currently overcoming a lifetime of narcissistic abuse. The thing is I never understood that there was a place where this didn’t occur until recently. Narcissism ran so deep in my family that I naturally gravitated to partners that were narcissistic. I’m just grateful that this topic has come into light and people are able to learn more about this devastating behavior.

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    • January 16, 2019 at 5:08 am

      Here’s your sister! I have a brother with severe NPD and believe that my mother also had it. Unsurprisingly – I walked right into the lion’s den and am married to another one. For someone who is considered intelligent – I cannot believe how I have been manipulated by my husband and his immediate and extended family over decades. I have in the past few years, researched narcissism hugely and having just published a book – to enable women regaining control and joy back into their lives (not by any means a pity me book), cannot believe how I put up with so much crap. Tomorrow is another day – life is good, generally – and I am making some big (and reasoned) changes. We only have the one life. We owe it t ourselves to live it. Take care x

      Reply
  • October 16, 2018 at 8:42 pm

    This is so incredibly accurate! Thank you for your insightful, articulate dissertation of a narcissists personality traits. After three years of my journey of awakening and enlightenment, this sums up the dynamics perfectly! I will refer back this article as the basic gospel🙏🏻

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  • October 26, 2018 at 6:45 pm

    Hi. I am so overwhelmed I have lived with my N for 14 years off and on. I leave unhappy, start to get back that alive feeling but then here he comes again. And he always pulls me back into what I think is a changed relationship to only have it go quickly back to the abusive behavior. I never really understood about Narcissism till the past few weeks and WOW have my eyes opened. I read and my life flashes before my eyes. I thought there was something wrong with me. Now I understand so much better know that I am not “Crazy”. Its articles like this that have helped so much. I am still living with my N (in the silent treatment phase right now) as I am trying to learn everything I can so when I leave this time there will be no going back. EVER. I am getting stronger by the minute even the silence isn’t doing its trick on me. I am planning my escape. To be cont’d

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  • November 1, 2018 at 11:52 pm

    I recently was DUMPED by a Narcissists. Whenever it happens that we fight, I never really know what it is about. He gave me ultimatums to getting back together the second time. I played it off and every so often he would bring stuff up to start a fight. I would cut him off and he would find a time where he could try it again. Once we met for soup in a small resturant and he became loud so I got up and walked out. He called me as I was driving home and said to come back I left my coat. I texted him and told him to keep it.
    I realize that I kept going back because after being Widow for 8 years I liked the companionship and the fun times. I knew that I was never going to give him money or that I would marry him. I kept the conversations minimal so he never really knew what was going on in my home. When I did need his advice he totally tried to take control. He wanted to “HELP” me clean up my garage and home and said his Antique car would look nice in there. When I finally told him I never agreed to storing his car in my garage he continued to plead ,with since he did so much for me seems I would want to let him do it. I kept his favors to a minimal after that and anything we did I paid for my own drinks or meals. He invited me to have Tacos after work and had to go into the market to get some money or deposit money into the bank. He came out with flowers, special for me, When we got to the restaurant, his Credit Card declined so I paid the bill. I didn’t want to make a scene so I said nothing.
    I can’t understand why I’m so sad, do I feel like a fool for letting my guard down the second time, I don’t even know when it happened. His ultimatums included not talking about my late husband, not talking about age (I’m older them him by 6 yrs everyone else thinks hes older) And throwing my son out since I’m a Co-dependent that won’t let him grow up. His 2 kids that live with him NEVER leave their room. It’s weird that the don’t spend family time together. I told him that everything I have including my home belongs to my Children. I also told him I could never get married because I would lose income. When I told him I decided to wait to retire he became a different person. Mean, name calling, saying I never lived up to his expectations, I have issues he could no longer be a part of. I’m sure he’s moved on to his next victim. I now have random panic attacks and crying spells. I keep going over and over in my head what happened, It made me miss my Husband of over 30 yrs more then ever. How could I have to live like this after planning so long to live an to my life with the wonderful man I had. It was so wrong that he died so young and for me to find these people. Do they seek me out am I that vulnerable. I need to make myself strong again and be the spiritual person I once was. Thank you for spelling these out. It helps me to read it I need to let it sink in everyday. I’m on facebook and can’t get into my email so if you want to private message me you can.

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    • November 15, 2018 at 1:25 pm

      I broke up with the narcissist two weeks ago; this was the third time we broke up and I think it’s done now. I know it’s for the best because I was getting tired of the verbal abuse, the name calling, the controlling and him not trusting me. But for some crazy reason I still feel so sad. I fell for him hard at the beginning because it was so intense. He lived me he said…but quickly started to pick fights.I used to try to reason with him but I know nothing would have worked. He is the way he is. So selfish. Without an ounce of remorse or empathy.

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    • November 28, 2018 at 6:45 pm

      My Narcissist just dumped me but not before I got a good jab in. I wrote a note to him the day after he was leaving and I had fulfilled all of his ego needs. ” When a woman deal with a dangerous man with an ingenious scam traveling 100 miles an hour with his hair on fire she will get hurt. You hurt my heart, my soul and my body. I feel soiled, wounded and sore. More fool I. Have a decent life. You must hate you.”
      He had put something in my drink and raped me. In the morning I did not know a thing and he was very pleasant. Only as time passes did I realize what had happened, I lost 6 or 7 hours with no memory. I let it slide like a proper co-dependent. His response was “If that’s what you want me to do I will.” The last I heard from him a month ago.

      I too, am a widow in fact 19 years older than my narcissist. I really did not know what had hit me. I knew a lot about alcoholics and of course I thought I could help the poor wounded soul, I knew nothing about narcissists. Now I am scared. And scared of myself too as I miss him. I am in the 5th day of no contact. Really pushing to end this. Stop the insanity. White knuckling it.
      It really hurts as I have not been in the dating scene for years and was ripe for an instance like this. My grown children are disgusted with me as they have put me in old and retired category. How little they know. I guess I will always be seeking my father with another face. Sad but true. I thought that after all of these years he would have with my efforts at working on myself have disappeared but he had not.
      Narcissists are charming and magnetic and so are co-dependents. We were perfect for a disaster fortunately it was only 4 months. I received a check up from the neck up in lightning speed. I am fortunate that I did not attack him in any other way. Little knowing I chose the exact words that were perfect for the situation. Your situation sounded a like like mine and I wanted to let you know you were not alone. Mary

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  • November 4, 2018 at 11:23 pm

    I’ve noticed that the narcissists I’ve dealt with always try to justify their behavior by using the higher moral standard platform. They will collect private, delicate information through confidential conversations with people who are unaware of who they’re dealing with. Then the narcissist will break confidence and openly share info with others, justifying it by saying “well so and so had a right to know”, even if it had nothing to do with the person being told the info. I’ve noticed that, while this can be opportunistic behavior, there is still a lot of planning that goes into it. They figure out the who, when and why’s for maximum effect, devastating the person duped into sharing their private info.

    They will also turn tables on someone with no warning. People may find they are in agreement and move forward with a plan. But, say in a meeting, the person being duped will make a suggestion stating most people are already in agreement. But the narcissist has already undone that agreement when the mtg starts, and surprises others with an argument against the 1st plan, bc so and so needs such and such, and the suggested plan won’t allow that, whether any of the argument is true or not. The reasoning seems right simply bc reasoning was offered. Nobody wants to look stupid and clueless so they all jump on the new boat, leaving the first person feeling ambushed and unprepared.

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  • November 14, 2018 at 7:44 am

    I don’t usually reply to blog posts but this is 100% spot on . Thank you for your insights I’m relieved to have this confirmation and move forward grateful to be set free from the narcissistic ex I was once trapped by .

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  • November 21, 2018 at 1:53 pm

    My mother was like that and so was my ex. It also reminds me of Trump and the whole email/election fraud accusations he directed towards Hillary Clinton meanwhile it was HE who was doing all that. This also reminds me of Meghan Markle, who ironically accused Trump of divisiveness, meanwhile her wedding was riddled with diviseness aimed at blacks and whites. A professional on here (not the author of this article) actually called Meghan Markle a healthy narcissist. The problem I have with that is that she’s deceptive and manipulating. I remember reading an article two years ago when she first burst on the scene as Harry’s new sudden girlfriend. Almost everything she was saying was either an exaggeration or flat out lie. I didn’t know who she was at that point. I had never heard of the show Suits, but what I did know was that she reminded me of the narcs in my life. They’ll tell you the sky is red when it’s clearly blue. It’s infuriating. While reading the article, I thought to myself why is she lying? The article was just a litteny of utter bs. I don’t follow the Royals and I really didn’t pay attention when William married Kate Middleton but something about this ‘Meghan’ was disturbing but fascinating at the same time. So I started reading up on her. I found she has been married twice before – the most recent ended in divorce but before that, her husband (a lawyer in NY) actually annulled the marriage. Annullment happens in the states when someone misrepresents themselves before marriage. I also read that her mother, the only relative she invited to the wedding, spent time in prison and had actually lost custody of Meghan to Thomas Markle (Meghan’s father). It was Meghan’s sister Samantha and Thomas who raised her. Anyway, even if the two were toxic there was her Uncle and her niece (Samantha’s daughter) who she supposedly admired but neither were invited to the wedding. Markle went on in an interview about how her niece inspired her. That article spawned another paper to interview the niece who, in turn, raved on about Meghan but trashed the niece’s mother, Samantha. So why wasn’t this marvelous niece invited to Meghan’s wedding? Was it that she didn’t serve Meghan’s needs anymore? I think Meghan promises things to people so they do what she wants, then doesn’t reciprocate. Just as the above article states. Meanwhile, her dying sister and father are trying fruitlessly to save their own reputations but the more they try, the worse she makes them look. I think if Meghan Markle can manipulate her own sister’s daughter to turn against her, she can certainly manipulate impulsive Harry.

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  • November 23, 2018 at 9:20 am

    There are many many comments here about how awful narcissists are and it’s true, they are selfish hurtful people . However , have you ever looked for information on how narcissistic people can recover? There is little to nothing available which in itself is a tragedy because believe it or not . .some want to change.

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    • December 7, 2018 at 5:47 am

      That’s something I was thinking about. We all should be more empathetic. But, I think most people do not have enough patience for the narcissistic type of personalities.

      👼❤

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    • February 12, 2020 at 9:34 pm

      As far as I know most narcissists are not aware they are narcissists and therefore cannot be cured. To fix a problem requires awareness so self work can be performed; without that acknowledgement there is nothing to fix.

      I wish more than anything this was not the case as I am deeply in love with someone who has caused me incredible amounts of pain over the last 3 years. They are a textbook narcissist and have protested that are not when I’ve gently brought up the subject. Even without provocation on numerous occasions they have reiterated that they are not a narcissist which indicates they must be dwelling on the thought. I have tried so hard to be there for them, selflessly and lovingly, but the reality is I know I’m just being taken advantage of.

      I am not in touch at the moment (silent treatment) and know I should stay away but love is a strong lure. All I have to do is read through my phone texts to remind myself of the abhorrent way he treated me, as if reflecting on the day to day behavior wasn’t enough. This included sudden mood changes which led to suddenly walking out and not being contactable for days. If I did turn up at his house he would rant and scream for me to leave totally unreasonably and never with an explanation. I was always giving and he was always taking – and demanding.

      I always saw (and continue to see) the scarred, hurting, lonely and frightened soul who desperately needed stability and love. But ultimately too blinded by their own disturbed perceptions to be in a position to accept the selfless love and help I offered. Unable to recognize the truth existing behind my intentions. It will always break my heart that I am unable to undo the damage done by whatever early childhood trauma created his broken personality.

      Reply
  • December 7, 2018 at 5:43 am

    Do you think that there are specific qualities of a narcissistic patent? Male/female differences, too?
    Thank you,
    Elizabeth

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  • December 10, 2018 at 12:54 pm

    I am the youngest of five children by 14 years. My siblings are all in their 30’s to 40’s and I am 24. My mother was a neglectful narcissist who had me at age 40 by accident. Her system was actually so out of whack and she was so overweight, that she didn’t know she was pregnant for 7 months. It fell to my eldest sister, who is enmeshed with my mother and exhibits many narcissistic behaviors, if not full blown, to raise me alongside mother. My father was abused in his youth severely and was the perfect target for my mother. He was pretty absentee, even when he wasn’t at work, as a coping mechanism against my mother. He ended up in jail on trumped up charges and during that time, my mother went so far as to forge documents and steal copious amounts of money from everyone, including each of her children and grandchildren. My father has also came out of the closet as bisexual and says that mother always knew that he preferred men, but convinced him that she would fix him. She is the only woman he has ever been with. My mother is staunchly homophobic and loves to make inappropriate racist remarks in private and public. She lost our childhood home recently due to mismanaging money and pathologically lies about it and most of her other behaviors. She brainwashed me as a child into thinking she and my eldest sister were the only people that cared about me and used me as a confidant and servant, rather than a child. She would make up for this by buying me random stuff when she was in one of her better moods, then turning harshly against me and making me feel guilty for being such a selfish, irredeemable child. She isolated me and barely allowed me to be around other family members, trying to keep me all to herself. My eldest sister could do no wrong, even after our mother found out she had molested other family members for over a decade. My eldest sister still lives with her. I’m going to therapy. I have an official diagnosis of anxiety, depression, and PTSD. Two of my other sisters moved away and have been to therapy in the past. The other sister is targeting and scapegoating me now and behaving the same as our mother did. She gets angrier by the day and they are now all conspiring against me in our hometown. Her main complaint is that they are perfect Christians and we are “bashing Christianity” by no longer being religious and being open to different ideologies and modes of thought, while noting the hypocrisy and mental and societal damage that exists and has always existed in many organized religions. I get told by friends, previous co-workers, and even past school teachers that I have kept in touch with about what they are saying. That same sister who is scapegoating and her husband (who also exhibits narcissistic behavior and has severe anger management issues) just yesterday targeted my husband, me, our kinship placement teenage child, my in-laws, and our other siblings. That sister’s husband is particularly homophobic and went after our surrogate child, because he is gay and enjoys dressing in feminine clothing, while his wife was attacking my Jewish husband about being like Hitler. The eldest sister that raised me, gives me the silent treatment since I found out about her abuse of others. She is now going to school to be a preschool teacher, currently getting to work in classrooms with small children, and our mother couldn’t be prouder. I was told that I can’t do anything about it. I have not interacted with my mother, since a few months back when my scapegoating sister showed up to my home uninvited (before we took in our kiddo) with my mother and eldest sister in tow, knowing that we weren’t even on speaking terms and the trauma they cause my husband and I. Mother has even tried in the past to push my eldest sister to hang out with (at the time) my boyfriend and would tell me how well they got along and how cute they were together. Again, I’m 24. This sister is 43. She had arranged to come alone to visit one of my other sisters and do her child’s senior photos, but that sister’s husband put his feet down and wouldn’t let them into their house, because of their poor treatment of his wife. I had to put myself back into the headspace of being a doormat kid in order to survive it. They ended up staying for 3 days. Nothing I did was good enough for them and they even brought their two dogs that defecated and peed on my floors (mostly hardwood) and terrorized our two cats. I asked them to keep them in our laundry room, that is quite large and has a half door connected to the rest of the house and they were constantly letting them out. I had even rearranged my home, including the litter box to suit them. I am lactose intolerant and my husband has in stage renal failure, needing dialysis three times a week for four hour sessions each. My husband also is diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome (or just ASD now). Due to our diets being different, I purchased food specifically to them promptly right before they arrived (I had a three hour warning by a different sister). The trauma of having his schedule so drastically altered at such short notice to my husband was palpable. The worst part is that that sister has a child who is also diagnosed with Asperger’s (ASD). The food wasn’t good enough. Our home wasn’t good enough. That was the last contact she let me have with my nephew, who was raised like a sibling to me, because we are 7 years apart and she had moved back in with us after she divorced. I lived with 2-3 narcissists for the majority of my life. I have crushingly low self esteem and that’s one of the main reasons that I’m in therapy. I base my self-worth off of what I do for others. Every time I interact with my NPD family, I shut down again and feel soul-wrenchingly guilty, even though I haven’t done anything wrong. Can anyone relate? I can’t be the only one who sees the behavior as wrong, can I? The scapegoating sister has been unrelentingly texting my phone, going so low as to say “I’m not the crazy one, you’re the in therapy” [sic]. She says that I’m the narcissist, although she refuses to read or research anything about it and just uses buzzwords. What do you do with a coven of narcissists feeding off of each other and how do I help my nephew? I’ve tried to sympathize with them and figure out what happened to them to cause this for years, but they deny vehemently that I even care about them and so, just turn it into belittlement sessions. I still hold the hope that they’ll change or maybe they’ll apologize, though the realistic side of me knows they won’t.

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  • January 3, 2019 at 3:25 pm

    Damn, this described my husband to a T.

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  • January 8, 2019 at 4:27 am

    For having gone through that, I must say my healing has started when I KNEW what he realy did. The worse is when you DO NOT KNOW, you are isolated and when you think to yourself something’s wrong, he makes you feel paranoiac, guilty…and you DO NOT KNOW ANYMORE what’s real !….

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  • January 14, 2019 at 5:58 pm

    Maybe I’ve been around my narcissist too long, because reading your last few paragraphs had me thinking “HAVE I” been the narcissist for 21 yrs? He doesn’t believe he is(go figure) but our counselor brought this to his attention 9 months ago , at which time he stormed out and hasn’t been back to see her. He said I turned her against him by
    seeing her first without him. Yes, I know typical of a narcissist 🙄! He won’t read any articles I’ve shared with him, I know they won’t help or he doesn’t read them but now I’m sharing them just to mess with him. (let’s hope it doesn’t backfire on me)I told him well if you aren’t a Narc then what the harm in reading what I sent, we will see how ther goes. I am just now discovering what a monster I’ve been with for over 2 decades! Hell no more!!! Getting out getting right! I’m very strong individual who he thought he could beat down, but my strong inner self kept screaming deep inside this isn’t right. Blinded by love I didn’t want to listen. Thanks to his narcissistic mother I have unsilenced the strong in your face independent woman they tied to destroy. With that said goodbye and good riddance you horrible, cruel,
    lying piece of shit abusers! This punching bag is out!

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  • January 17, 2019 at 5:37 pm

    I need help. My son and late mother are also narcissists. My mother singled out one of two sons and lavished all her love and affection on him while literally bashing me, his father and brother. She gave him POA at 19 and left him all in her will. He did share his money with me and his brother but then became spiteful about it. He moved away when he was 21 and I am embarrassed to say how he talks to me and how outrageous he is. I feel a part of it because I allowed my mother access to my children but i felt sorry for her as she also had social anxiety and no friends. As my son got older his attacks became one on one. He made himself the victim every time he attacked his brother and now attacks me, his mother. The encounters are so outrageous, the attacks so random, I cannot be prepared. What is so astounding to me is that in the midst of all the outrageous behavior, he cannot see himself and does not back down. He is quite intelligent, but his outbursts would put you in a stupor. i try to always give in but lately he just finds new and better things to demand or accuse me of. I detect a competitiveness – he always accuses me of having to be right – but the accusation is always about an observation or something random. He has said some horrific things to me always recalling something from 15-20 years ago that I said and can barely remember. His memory is selective and he refuses to even consider another version. I have apologized for things I don’t remember because I believe he believes it to be true and I want him to not carry the burden true or not. He also makes threat if I don’t change and get others to change also. He blames all character flaws and attributes character flaws to me that I must admit to. He calls me controlling yet he makes ultimatums all the time.

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  • January 24, 2019 at 8:39 pm

    My 33 year old daughter is 4 years post separation from a Narc and has two beautiful children to him who were age 5 and 2 when he left for the third time. She is a strong person and has established and successfully run her own business during their nine year relationship. He did not financially contribute to any living expenses during their time together. He has fathered another child in between those 2 and has since had another child who is now 2 and is also now estranged from that relationship and begun another one. He has forced my daughter through family court and won 50% access to her 2 children. He has limited funds to use and has convinced his solicitor that he is “really nice person” so that all his legal fees are on a payment plan to suit him. He has not pursued the other 2 children and I cant figure out why. He has been step father to 7 other children and loves to tell everyone that they idolise him and how my daughters children “love” his new partner which in reality is the opposite. He has been verbally and physiologically abusive to my daughter but because he knows she has strong family support, not physically. The mother to his last child has bruises where he has pushed her against furniture. She won’t report him though because she is too scared. I know it sounds so familiar that domestic violence goes unreported. The courts won’t listen to or allow this if it is not reported but then they say it is a civil matter not a federal matter and put the children’s “meaningful relationship” with the father as paramount. My grandson is diagnosed ADHD and struggles with inconsistency and change and has also expressed self harm ideas which are ignored by his father as “just ridiculous, you’ll be right”. The family court know about this and after attending a family report the therapist evaluated my daughter as the liar and the children’s father as a “simple man who doesn’t like confrontation”. Once again he manipulated a professional. At the end of the day our family will stay strong and hope that our influence is what guides the children through their young years. We will abide by all court orders and give him what he wants for now until the children are old enough to choose. By then he will have grown tired of them not conforming to his manipulation and hopefully disappear out of our lives forever.

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  • February 10, 2019 at 1:21 pm

    We excised the N from our lives nearly a dozen years ago. She had warning, but chose the path of not respecting our boundaries. We chose total cutoff. She chose a war of character smears on the internet. After all these years, she continues on her warpath, with absolutely no insight, self-reflection or introspection. It proves that we made the right choice. She will never change. We saved ourselves a dozen-plus years of further abuse with that decision. She still makes false accusations of child abuse, failing to realize that the child in question, her own grandchild, has grown up. She is frozen in time, in a world that never existed. It is her own personal mind hell, a prison for one. No wonder she’s so miserable.

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    • October 21, 2019 at 1:50 pm

      We must be sharing the same mother LOL

      Reply
  • February 26, 2019 at 2:52 pm

    My ex is a narc and he tore me down with all his gas lighting, hurt my child and is continually doing so through the court system. Does anyone have any advice on what to do/how to heal when you have to have contact with the narc because you have a child? He is playing games and won’t let up, because he is so fixated on me. He cheated and is with the girl still, I don’t get why he can’t just move on and leave me alone.

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    • April 9, 2019 at 5:59 am

      Power and control.

      Reply
  • April 9, 2019 at 5:57 am

    8 years living opposite one, a wildy abusive, sociopathic, pathological lying, violent son-of-a-bitch. God damn, I had no idea what I was walking into by standing up to him. He literally ticks every single characteristic as read in this article and others. I’ve got myself into a lot of OCD thinking after all of the projection, slanderous bullshit to all my neighbors, heck I was attacked physically (twice) and after the latter he opened a counter case of assault against me! F*ck, I’ve never seen such dysfunctionality.

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  • April 15, 2019 at 11:03 pm

    Would like to add my take on why children become narcissists. My niece’s mother gave every indication she hated her child: when she was not beating her, she was berating her. The poor, perfectly beautiful little child could never do anything to please her constantly critical mother. The child, to avoid abuse, began to lie and manipulate, anything to find some peace. I suggested to the mother she seek some psychological help. She turned on me in a rage.
    Today, the grown child is a full-blown narcissistic personality disorder. Such a waste of a human being.

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  • May 1, 2019 at 10:35 am

    I have been going through intense gaslighting for 5 years now. Reading this article is great confirmation and comfort. Good to know someone can relate.
    I’ve had my brakes tweaked and nearly crashed, people at my door,police called, nearly jumped, home invasion, intense mimicry, people in my family’s neighborhood told lies…etc.
    Do not know how this will end, but I hope this dip hits the wall soon.

    Reply
  • May 2, 2019 at 12:24 am

    This article is spot on. There is not a single word in here that I cannot quote examples for – traits I have seen in my soon-to-be-ex-husband for the past 12 years

    As we share custody of our little children, I have to still interact with him on frequent basis. As all of the rage is bottled up, it comes in spurts and is still devastating.

    My question to you is – how do you deal with this? Do you ignore (they hate that), do you respond (thats adding fuel to the fire) or do you let them vent(you feel like punching bag in the end of it) – while i am still working on my side of issues to learn to not be scared anymore.

    any suggestions?

    Reply
    • May 2, 2019 at 12:45 pm

      Do not speak or meet him. Every question/answer/negotiation must be written by you and by him. Hence no gaslighting possible.

      Reply
      • May 2, 2019 at 3:43 pm

        The problem is that we have to interact due to the kids. Not just that, I have tried to cut all communications except for written. Its the constant berating in emails or texts..

        example: I just got an email this morning starting with “If you are not busy f***ing someone then can you fill these summer camp forms attached?” or while discussing cheaper pricing options for gymnastics class his text will say “if you start charging tips [money] from your partner (s) after they are done doing what they do to you, then maybe you can afford this class price” .

        Its constant character assassination and it takes every ounce of energy in me to not respond

        Reply
      • May 3, 2019 at 7:02 am

        Consider his behaviour as an opportunity for you to learn to get detached from other people scrutiny, which is the first step to love oneself for real, find our truly self and awake spiritually.

        Everything happens for one reason.

        “Read” only what’s necessary for the kids and answer only to what is necessary for the kids.

        His insults is not your business. That belongs to him.

        Use your energy in making yourself and your kids happy in real, simple, natural and lovable life.

        Mandela said : I never lose. Or I winn, or I learn……So, be a learner. With such toxic person, becoming awared goes fast…..ahahahahahah. It’s a very good point !

        Reply
  • May 18, 2019 at 3:43 pm

    I recognize all these traits in three different relationships I’ve had, both on and offline. Empathic people in general seem to be a magnet for such creeps. One guy had no conception of what others belongings meant.

    He’s a clue: if you didn’t purchase it, unless given to you as a gift, it does not specifically belong to you.

    What’s insane is Silicon valley in general seem rife with such people.

    Reply
  • May 19, 2019 at 8:59 pm

    It took me until my mid-thirties to realize the mother I grew up with is indeed a narcissist. After years of my siblings and I struggling with internal family conflict, lies, and drama we all now understand her. It’s really quite sad because within the narcissism there can be a very good person who does have genuine (albeit maybe not often) feelings to help others but maybe that just ties into their egoism. I’ve experienced ALL the conditions you could possibly come up with dealing with a narcissist. The worst by far is their tendency to be extra kind hearted to draw you back near. It puts you into emotional roller coasters because if this person by relation should be important figure in your life, it leaves you with a terrible decision to either walk away completely or try to manage the relationship for the sake of familial matters. My only real questions at this point are do these people ever come to a realization of their faults? Are there narcissists who have changed and are there therapies in which these people can take part of to regain lost relationships? Is this hereditary? Are they even capable even a smidgen to see the error in their ways and feel compelled to change?

    Reply
  • May 29, 2019 at 7:01 pm

    I have worked with several of this personality disorder during my many years of coaching and business consulting. One client in particular in the past several years exhibited every one of the characteristics discussed in this article. He is simply intractable. I had to “fire” him due to his continuous inability to reach out and grab the reality of his situation and get therapeutic help so we could continue to work together.

    Reply
  • June 6, 2019 at 8:48 am

    I don’t have just one narc, I have a mob. The worst is my H.’s xGF/GF. She is an actual prostitute but has labeled me as one and keeps pounding that drum. She is so persuasive she convinced a tennis group. I have taken nasty snears and comments for years. Photo shopped porn photos and video. My H. allowed 2 room invasions where videos were taken then recast. I was in mourning for my late brother; and the other the night after my grandson’s wedding. I was recovering from broken wrist.

    In casual conversation they had recorded my voice. H. had one that said I didn’t care what he was doing. That was his “hall pass” to cheat. And he did.

    She makes obscene calls people with burner phones trying to pin it on me. She hired two actors to have pretend sex in the hallway of the tennis coach’s apartment saying it was me. I was in the shower at the tennis club when he verbally attacked me. Screaming so loudly that the lockers rattled. This is after he did a deep dive on my background. I got the coach’s discard from him that he is so proud of. I actually had left for vacation the day after his a nastiness.

    This past year on vacation at a resort someone was going around spreading those rumors. They approach people and tell them that I was kicked out of the intermediate tennis program because I was ruining it. One or two people didn’t buy it. One woman said oh, let’s go into the club house and find the person you are talking about while moving them under the surveillance camera. Another was to keep me in the billiards room. I am thinking they have access to that camera feed.

    One man from a group we have drinks with outdoors in the evening quietly told the group not to say or do anything but to observe. He’s wise to attacks like this in sports groups.

    The woman who has organized our tennis group for 16 years believed the filth. She’s best buddies with the xGF and her daughter. The daughter of a friend that I had golfed with for 20 years has been provided photo shop pictures. I overheard her tell her daughter and H. He is wise and said quietly to his wife those were photo shopped

    Anyhow, this is relentless. It is hurtful. I can tell who has bought the lies by comments, I don’t want to be seen with her. That’s not her as in the photos, videos. At an EMT conference, some men told my daughter that they were surprised I hadn’t committed suicide. She was clueless. The EMT group would be nice a friendly with her for a couple of days then they would shun her.

    My daughter is not without fault. I told her in 2007 that H. had many affairs on me. I was falling apart. Those to put me in therapy for 5 years. It took me 3 years to convince my therapist that he was cheating. I told her to go to the part on Monday and she would see them. Just one of a string of women. The GF was removed from the hospital staff. I was suddenly cured in 2012. I had not figured out the room invasions until this past year.

    The group also forces themselves into peoples homes and threatens bodily harm if they don’t watch the porn videos.

    The woman’s group I am in have several evil people in it. Their leader is my stalker. She and her H. drove 1200 miles to piggy back onto our vacation at a gated resort. One of her things is to call a store I am shopping at telling them I am shop lifting. She also had voice recordings she’d redone to sound criminal.

    One friend knew the manager that suddenly appeared when we were shopping. The two of them did something but I don’t know what. She whispered to another friend at another time that I had a dedicated stalker but she and my other friends were not in danger.

    I am stuck. If I get out of the marriage, I could easily be attacked by those men who did the room invasion. I don’t have enough money to live comfortably on my own. H. likes to keep me fearful.

    Where do I think a lot of the stalking and reputation ruining came from? In the 1970s, I have no idea. 19 years ago, I worked for a city department part time that is organized crime.

    I am holding up. I have my own room and won’t have relations with my H. ever. There is the double edge sword. No sex life but publicly accused. In about any activity, it’s what he wants to do when he wants to do it. I am dismissed in conversations.

    The narc articles do help me cope. I don’t respond or try to talk to these bad mouthers.

    Reply
  • June 9, 2019 at 6:17 am

    I am trying to get out of this hell now. It sucks. I never felt so low in my life. Just trying to get safe place to go and build my self up again! Been with a year. Hate my life right now! Friends and family send cops to do wellness check on me frequently. I am so tired of it!

    Reply
    • July 30, 2019 at 1:12 pm

      The wellness checks are part of the gaslighting. Get as far away as possible. Total no contact is best. Get yourself into survival mode and pull yourself together because you can beat them at their game by living the best life you can. You can do it! Don’t waste too much time and do whatever you can to obtain knowledge on the subject. There is a lot of free help out there on YouTube. Godspeed!

      Reply
  • July 3, 2019 at 2:33 am

    I wonder how many narcissists read this article and all the comments? I was married to one for 10 years and he had me believing that everything that went wrong was my fault because he was sly about when he used it. But then he got outrageously obvious and I googled “why is everythi g always my fault?” And a page came up on narcissism. That day I made the decision that I was done. I made my plan and followed through which was very very painful and hard. I wound up in county jail and “rehab” for almost a year but I came out free. He was gone cuz I was not available yo back up his bullcrap he doled out to everyone. Now I’m free but still struggle with addiction and clepto which seems to have been the side effects of being in that nightmare if a relationship. When I met him I had a funny feeling…not good…but I didn’t trust my instincts and wasted 10 years of my life and have loads of emotional and psych scars to show for it. And a criminal record. I chose jail to escape him. It was the only way I could see out. That’s how desperate it was. Listen to your gut if it feels funny when you meet people cuz they will emotionally kidnap you and blackmail you and use you up til you die if they can. Then they’ll play the past of poor widowed man. Asshole! God I hate him. He gaslighted me for a long long time. Now he’s in prison. Not related to our relationship. For something he probably didn’t do cuz he never knows when to walk away. Cuz he’s smarter than everyone. Right? Not this time. I pray for my fellow victims of narcs. May we all be free.

    Reply
  • July 7, 2019 at 4:33 pm

    Luckily I left the narcissist after 2 1/2 years, knowing that something was very off with him. 16 years later I am still traumatized by the relationship but fully aware. The more I read about narcissism the more understanding I have because my ex is a classic toxic narcissist. He behaved in all of the ways you described plus Triangulated, trying to make me change into what he wanted me to be by comparing me with other women. He cheated constantly, sneaking out in the middle of the night to have sex with at least 2 women in the neighborhood, having sex on his lunch hour and after work. He had zero compassion for my disability, trying to force me to physically conform to what he wanted by keeping up with his manic behavior. His grandiose plans never amounted to anything because he was all talk, no action. The sex was a daily demand, my pleasure not considered. When I started resisting and contradicting him, he couldn’t get me out of there fast enough bufas surprised when I actually moved out!. I went back to the city where he lives to visit a friend and he had a woman approach me to try and gain my confidence and find out where he stood with me. On 2 occasions I briefly spent time with him and had sex with him. He was very critical of my small weight gain and I realized he is deeply disturbed and cut off all contact. My Facebook page is private but he accessed it because we had mutual friends (his family). I blocked him and his family and live 500 miles away. The relationship still haunts me after all of this time but I’ve learned enough to protect me from predators like him.

    Reply
  • July 14, 2019 at 2:14 pm

    This is so true my ex boyfriend was the worst form of a Narcissist now that I know that’s what he is…. I vividly remember times that he would accuse me of cheating and I would ask him to stop putting his negative thoughts onto me but now I see why he was doing this all the time… it’s because he was literally DOING IT all the time with other women behind my back and in my face with his disappearances with handy little excuses…..

    He was always deflecting when the obvious was right in my face. Always trying to make me think the sky was purple when I know it’s blue . One time within a week of moving all his fine clothes shoes and cologne into MY HOME… he spent the entire weekend out with me calling texting him all night into the morning with no response, so I packed up all his belongings and kindly delivered his stuff to his mothers house… she had a look on her face like … Damn I am so sick of my son and his mess” and I told her I meant no disrespect but no man can keep his stuff at my house and not come home. When he finally gets to his moms house from cheating on me, the whole family was there for Sunday dinner so he was stunned to see that I had dropped off all his stuff in garbage bags.
    Of course I would not answer all his calls so he drives over in a rage and begged me to let him in so the neighbors would not be in our business
    Big mistake on my part to let him in…. by the time it was over I was at fault , not him the one that spent the night out … but me for taking his clothes back in bags…. I told him to let’s call it quits but he kept coming back and I kept letting him in only to be hurt more and more each time until he saw that without a doubt he had broken me all the way down …. then he discarded me… the year and a half was total abuse all across the board with him. He would make me feel unattractive and when I told him how he made me feel he would say that he loved me just the way I am.. but then he would constantly cheat and he even put me in a triangular position with his prior ex or so called ex fiancé…. now he is married to a new woman just 2 months after he discarded me and he had her call me to make it known since I am not on any social media…. it is no end to how evil this man is…. I’m sure the new wife will keep my number and I’m sure I will get a call from her one day

    Reply
  • July 31, 2019 at 7:18 am

    I left a very emotionaly, verbally and financialy abusive relationship 4.5 years ago. I finally go to court on Monday. He was a true narcissist and also diagnosed bipolar. I still suffer from extreme anxiety, especially now. I want to say my peace in court but fully expect him to make me out into a horrible person. I am strong and week at the same time. All the things above are true and it’s good to know that I am not alone. I thought I was a horrible person. I still need therapy and meds due to the anxiety. It was worsened with court coming up. I am so ready for it to be over. I want to finally be free of him. I need to be free of that past. From 18 to 31 he manipulated me. I wish and hope more people leave earlier than I did when they see the signs.

    Reply
  • August 11, 2019 at 11:19 pm

    I’m so glad you wrote this article. I have to say, I am at fault for ignoring a lot of the signs of a person I was recently involved with. These people are extremely cunning and manipulative. Even though logically I saw the signs, she still managed to reel me in. I think they pickup on a certain level of neediness, or something that is unhealed within us. I first noticed the signs when she gaslighted me. Which was weird to me because she came across as so knowledgeable. She had her stories of being a victim, she would label people as co-dependent or narcissistic. She seemed to have an unusual amount of knowledge about relationships. She claimed to be an empath, and highly intuitive. Which to me registered as (psychic or psychopath). Then I could sense things getting really unusual when she started twisting my words and using them against me. The gaslighting happened a second time and then I knew something was really strange. I couldn’t understand how this person, who seemed so credible, could try and pull this stuff with me. It’s not like I’ve haven’t been around the block. I’m very aware of such things. Then the ghosting started. I had to laugh, because I knew exactly what was occurring at this point. Yet I needed to understand how this person was so knowledgeable. As it turns out, all of “her” knowledge and wisdom, was just stuff she was pulling off of social media. She didn’t have any understanding whatsoever. This was her mask. This was how she drew me in. The longer I was around her the more she started sounding like a broken record. She would repeat the same phrases at different points in time. She seemed to have memorized these little phrases because she was using the same ones on me so much that I started realizing something wasn’t right. I tried to end the relationship, and then she really got her hooks into me by coming across as being a victim all over again, and then coming up with all of these really complex off the wall explanations of my behavior. I didn’t even last a week after that. I was so emotionally drained and exhausted, I just didn’t care at all about her anymore. Or what she thought or had to say. God bless anyone that’s married to one of these people. It was really crazy. I can see how this could become all consuming and addicting for someone. It’s a horrible cycle that one could get stuck in. I really need to get to the bottom of this to figure what in the world is going on with me that I would have been attracted to this person in the first place. Thanks for the article.

    Reply
  • August 14, 2019 at 8:33 am

    Lauretta, you need to go no contact and weather the storm! The aftermath may be seemingly unbearable, but your life will be your own!

    Reply
    • August 14, 2019 at 10:34 am

      Thank you, Cheryl. I wish I had yielded to the few friends who met him initially (reluctantly on his part) who told me to run the other way. But I didn’t. Now I must, and pick up the pieces where I can.Thank you so much for yr time and kindness,
      Lauretta

      Reply
  • August 14, 2019 at 10:16 am

    Dear Lauretta, the NPD must first recognize that they are disordered and then seek professional help. I believe help is attainable but highly unlikely because the NPD doesn’t see that there is anything wrong with them! They are in essence an empty shell seeking victims to validate their grandiose opinion of themselves! He will bleed you dry! Run for the hills and don’ Look back!

    Reply
  • August 14, 2019 at 7:44 pm

    My husband and I move into a house on a small farm with a garden and lots of privacy. Within a week I “feel” someone watching me. I told my neighbor who was at the time a CPS type case worker / psychologist… if anyone, I could trust her right? wrong! she immediately deflected the guilt from her onto our other neighbor stating he’s always looking for something new. That may have been true but it turned out it was her stalking me all along, my dogs saw her feet in the bushes when I was in the garden pulling weeds, I look over to see what they were barking at staring back at me were her feet!!! she was on the other side of our shrubbery peering through holes as if hiding behind a curtain. At first I froze, then got up and went inside the house not knowing quite what to say or do. When we first moved in she with an attitude of entitlement walked right into the yard, opposing her did no good, every block I put up be it fence or shrubbery was mysteriously broken down or died. One day I was laying in the sun on the deck drifting to sleep as I sensed a darkness shadowing me, I opened my eyes to find her standing over me looking right though me and stated “oh I thought I’d find you here!” and then walked away…bizarre!……overwhelming sense of violation, she STOLE my sense of sanctuary and privacy, that must have been the intent – my back deck was entirely private and secluded in by hedges and walls, she wanted power over my sense of privacy / security through mind games. Before I took any action, I spoke with a very good Psychologist on how I should handle this demented issue given the creepy nature of it all. She stated to go NO contact and to keep the doors locked at all times, that back fired it made things escalate. I didn’t know anyone in the neighborhood but when I did open up, it turns out she started the smear campaign when we first moved in, maybe because I told her we need our privacy sensing her nosiness. Later on our animals started getting out while we were away at church or around midnight, we resorted to pad locking our horse gate we never once used, it was the gate closest to the neighbor, the gate was pushed in towards the paddock. She was hoping to get a reaction from the stress & she got one, so I looked like the bad guy, and with that going forward, anytime she would hear my door open she would “laugh” or yell “hallelujah, praise the Lord!” simply to torment. She didn’t seem to do this to anyone else and only did it when my husband was away, she once reminded me she knows when he’s gone. When I told her to stop watching me though the shrubbery…. twisted, she told her husband I was accusing HIM and he responded with much drunken anger just as she knew he would – he played right into her head games. This is how psychopathic people feed – they suck the life out of good people.

    Reply
  • August 15, 2019 at 2:13 am

    My life, right now, but not for much longer. I have one lurking around, place to place, outright fabricating lies about me. I’ve dealt with worse. This one is going around playing the victim, twisting my words: I’ve got a confession of him admitting to abusing his own wife. I’ve got him outright justifying physical assault on behalf of my assailant, just because I was doing my job. I’ve also got one of him attempting to justify a threat against my life by someone else. The guy made me feel like I had no right to be hurt, ever, especially by him or his friends. I felt so alienated. I took his crap over and over, trying to consider his affliction. He had used heavily, in the past. I tried to be patient with him. Still, the proof is in his own writing. He is in zero position to try and snuff out the hellish extortion he put me through, over the course of a year. I was finally recovering. I kicked myself for trusting him with so many vulnerabilities. Had I known what I had let into my home, how dirty he would become, I would have called the law, instead. Well, it’s good to know I didn’t suffer for nothing. That’s what he wanted me to believe -that I was alone in all of this. He’s got charisma in spades so, yeah, he’s got an army. Could you imagine that kind of pressure? One day, he crossed the line. He mistook me for a victim but instead got a heavy dose of oh crap. I fought back, this time. I made that a-hole cry. It’s a reminder to myself that I can sometimes win, as long as I am determined to hold to my principles and not allow people to push my personal boundaries, gaslight me, exploit my vulnerabilities and loved ones or call me childish names. Well, I guess that was all he needed to make his “case” against me. I oftentimes wondered if I was the bad guy. I think it’s a touchy thing, personal interpretation, though. There’s the relativity of it all. Self preservation plays a role so that muddies things up. In my case, it was my word against his. He wanted me to feel his guilt. Of course, he was going to spin it to his favor, change a whole bunch of words and create stories that simply never happened then whine to the internet, farming sympathy from strangers. He learned the hard way, when he tried to step on me: I’m not going to go down so easily. Some people will tough through the pain of the first lashing, just so they can grab the whip and snatch it away. Well, I tried that. He just upped the ante. The fact that he completely altered the story -and is STILL going on about it means my point was made loud and clear. Good. Some relief. You’ve got to be pretty desperate in order to sink that low. I forgive but I can only do it so many times before I just burn out and say “This ends now”. I already deal with adrenal failure. Having this added stress actually put me in the hospital. My doctor said: “You NEED to cut him off.” I expressed worry that he would slander me if I tried. My doctor suggested having an attorney write up a cease and desist letter. I almost have enough evidence to shut his ass down. Imagine that: Being vilified just for standing up against a bully. Bullies used to be so honest about their roles. I miss that brave candor. But, we live in special times. The narcissist can’t risk looking like an ass in front of his followers. He knows he’s being watched by potentially millions of people, maybe. What a sad life that he chooses quantity and mass acceptance at the expense of his own personal freedom. He would have to be pretty terrified of the person inside to need all that distraction. I’ll bet he’s a wreck when he’s alone, left in silence. Beware: He is a manipulator. He is a wolf in sheep’s clothing. There’s a few of him hiding in plain sight. He can’t face what he has done to you. He can’t look you in the eye and see that you are something that may potentially oppose his nasty image of you so he goes behind your back, lying, sometimes, even against solid evidence which would prove him wrong. He wants to rope you into a power struggle of “who’s the most hurt by the other”. Immature. Worse, if you show compassion for him, he just won’t perceive it. If he could, then that would make you a person. If you were a person, then that would mean you are too similar to him. If you’re too similar to him then you give him conflicting feelings, which make it harder for him to judge you. No worries. His lies reveal more about himself than they do about you. This guy possesses a guilty conscience. He is constantly struggling under the weight of truth and he’s losing to it. It also reveals that he’s petty person who can’t tolerate a reality where his fragile sense of self could be compromised. Unfortunately, no matter what you do or don’t do, he’s going to reach hard for anything that could align with his delusion because he needs you to be something less than him because that’s how he gets his self-esteem: Comparison. He doesn’t care who he hurts. In theory, he preaches but in practice, he folds and regresses. He also doesn’t consider the potential consequences. My advice: Don’t let people push you around, even through passive aggression and blame-shifting. Sometimes, survival means getting your hands dirty. The narcissist corners you, oftentimes leaving you with no other choice. You can’t let him bully you like that. I log and save all conversations across all platforms. It’s tedious and puts me at risk of appearing less than stable but comes in handy, should someone try to flip the script and pull me down to their level.

    Reply
  • September 13, 2019 at 6:45 pm

    I’ve read hundreds of blogs and articles on the subject on ‘projection” and it’s a very difficult Dynamic to explain to a teenager or even an adult that doesn’t understand how it works and how damaging it is to other people. This article is the best description of how it works and how it confuses and destroys. My life for the last 12 years has been a nightmare I cannot wake up from. I left my narc (female) basically in the middle of the night and we had a 3 and 4 year old. I couldn’t not take the crazy any longer. I knew I would take ALL the blame and have for the last 12 years. I’ve barely seen my children because they are tools for her use against me. She lies about everything…so badly that anyone can see it clearly for what it is. The worst part, and I had no way of stopping it is the parental alienation thats occurred for 12 years. I’m a regular guy with a full time job and a wonderful New wife. I don’t do anything, no drugs, drink, nothing. But my kids have been told and believe that I am A total shit bag monster who is unsafe in every way. I have called child services several times to please look into and investigate her…they have but she is so slick and so good at lying and projection that nothing ever changes. She has filed court motions on trying to get full custody, but the judge sees who she is. She has made unbelievable, nasty accusations that have never occurred. They will stop at nothing. I made the mistake in telling her in detail that I am on to her and I know who she is. All it did is make it severally worse. Now she cannot let my kids around me or talk to me because they’re is a chance that I will blow her whole agenda apart. She simply can’t have that. I need proper advice at this present time just to talk to my kids without their mother listening and critiquing what to say back to me. My kids are 14 and 13 and I have never ever had a 1on 1 conversation with either of them without her listening in and telling them how to respond. It’s total craziness. But all I ever hear from her is that I am mentally ill and I need to get help. I’m going mad that’s for sure

    Reply
  • September 14, 2019 at 3:27 am

    I realise now my ex was a narcissist and we have now been divorced for almost 16years. I have a Daughter and a Son, although there were initial problems after the divorce we lived together whilst I had a bigger mortgage and managed to keep the family home. My Son always said he did not want to be like his Father, my advice to him was if you feel like that perhaps you should get help. Fast forward 14 years I allowed my Son to live in my Mother’s house whilst she was in care, he stayed there with best friend of many years since childhood, all was well until my Son met this woman on Tinder. I have never stood in the way of my children’s relationships, up until this point we were all getting on sharing meals together either at my home or his. My Mum became ill and sadly passed away, during this time my Son’s Now Girlfriend was moving herself gradually into my Mum’s house without me realising it, she caused problems when Mum died as she insisted on being with us when we went to see my Mum and then said she gave never seen anyone who had died before. This apparently gave her nightmares. In the subsequent months she forced my Son’s friend out of the house and the announced she was 5 months pregnant, my Son had only been with her for less than 4 months, he said he wanted to support her and though baby could be his, he asked if they could stay on at Mum’s house, paying the nominal rent we had agreed, I allowed this to happen. When baby was born myself my Daughter and my work colleagues noticed he was of mixed race, we did not mention this to anyone else not even my Son or her, as we did not know if this had happened due to past genetic history and after all the baby was beautiful and we loved him very much. As time past we went from being s doting Nan and Auntie to being abused, berated, assaulted physically and mentally whilst her parents stood up for her at every turn. Eventually I was forced to sell the house as they even tried to take this from me saying I was not entitled to own my Mothers house even though it was left to me and my Son was only entitled to a sum of money from her will. He had started to demand £30,000 off of me as soon as Mum passed. I was not allowed to see my Grandson as he had been called for 6 months, neither was my Daughter allowed either, she was abused through social media although she had done nothing wrong. We had been babysitting him before all of this. So much happened we tried and tried to make thing right, sadly we have now walked away. I sold my Mum’s house which broke my heart as it was my childhood home and gave my Son his part of my Mum’s will £41,000 so he could buy a new home, he said he wanted to make things right and we should start seeing each other again, this did not work as she has twisted his mind so much, if I try to make arrangements to see my Grandchild I am abused yet again as she gets in his head and it all starts again. We have been no contact now for almost 2 years.

    Reply
  • September 19, 2019 at 2:55 am

    I’ve been ‘caring’ for an elderly woman who is a classic narcissist. She’s just turned 87 so has had many years perfecting her disorder(s) & is now also in dementia. I know it will all get worse before she will get to the stage where she wont recognise me even & its reading blogs like yours that is helping me get through this time with her…..Now that she is losing her memory (& realises it) she is getting more deceitful & hostile. She tells lies then forgets what she’s said so tells more lies to try and cover up. Some of her most used ‘projections’ at the moment incl…”You are always right” and “You think I am stupid”….she often says this to me as I try to keep her on track with her medical appointments, medications etc….I will give her something and she will either hide it and accuse me of not giving it to her or she will misplace it, but rather than admit that, or if she finds it later, rather than admitting she found it, she will again accuse me of not giving it to her and thinking she is stupid. She loves telling me that my memory isn’t perfect either and that Im not always right….not realising that she is actually saying that she IS always right. She’s ‘put off’ most people in her life and the only ones that see her now are myself and her only son, with his 2 children. She tries to set me up & frequently runs a smear campaign against me, telling the grandchildren & her son, that I left her bleeding in the house for hours after a fall while I partied with friends out in her garden (I was actually asleep at 4am when she fell & she has refused to use an alarm system for contact), She then tells me ‘stories’ about her son trying to make him look bad…playing on off against the other and maintaining the victim role with both of us. My friends think Im mad for hanging in with her and maybe I am but Im learning lots of lessons, esp in setting boundaries and am able to remain empathetic as I gain more understanding of the condition. I find the psychology of a narcissist in dementia quite fascinating and am keen to connect with others who might be in similar situations.

    Reply
    • January 1, 2020 at 1:30 am

      Oh wow good on you for hanging in there- but please look after your self and I guess as long as you’ve detached your heart from the situation and not hurting I guess learning is a good thing!
      Maybe you can use your knowledge to help others?

      Reply
  • September 28, 2019 at 3:56 am

    What a brilliant article! I have a NPD sister who ticks every box in this piece. I have been accused of being a narc by her and other things publicly as I called her out after our parents death. She now promotes her expertise in this area, inflates her experience and qualifications, mimics others in this field and places what she states as mindful quotes but they are hurtful against me. Social media is her stage and it does nothing but accelerate her narcissism to new heights. This has been so enlightening to read and a comfort to know that I’m not going mad and not the nasty horrible person she makes me out to be. Going no contact has saved me as I know having her in my life would be detrimental to my mental health…

    Reply
  • November 30, 2019 at 2:25 pm

    What a wonderful essay. I’ve learned much about the narcisist in my life. And the takeaway from reading this essay is that some people are sorely screwed up in the head.

    Reply
  • December 26, 2019 at 6:06 pm

    I used to go to a Spiritual development group for a couple of years. It was run by a husband and wife and when I first started with them I used to look up to the husband in admiration. I was a very vulnerable woman when I first met them.
    Over the course of about 2-3 years I did alot of healing and growing with a bit of mentorship from them. It was through this development group that I learnt I am an Empath. After this I evolved within myself at a rate of knots and really came into myself, and for the first time in my life actually had self esteem.
    Well the husband (mentor)over this time had started showing his true colours, he is a Narcissist.
    He portrayed himself as this sincere, wealth of knowledge, charismatic guy but every now and then I would see glimpses of his mask slipping.
    The more I grew and strengthened as a person, the more he felt threatened and one night at our Spiritual development group in front of a bunch of others he unloaded onto me the worst case of gaslighting I’ve ever had!
    Everyone in the group felt it and I never ever went back to that group from that night onward.
    I have heard reports that he has badmouthed me badly and even accused me of being what he is, a Narcissist.
    Reading this article today solidifies in my mind all of what I have experienced through life not just from him but my adoptive mother and a few others I had fleeting interractions with.
    So you see they pop up everywhere.

    Reply
  • January 1, 2020 at 1:42 am

    Great article!! When people tell me about an incident that’s happened in their relationships – and then say, “it’s doing my head in” I know that they’ve encountered a narcissist.
    Because the narc doesn’t behave like normal people and normal people can’t understand (they project their own good nature onto the narc) and for years ask themselves “why would they do that”
    Don’t yield to the guilt put on you. Rise above this and reach out for help. Hopefully you will not feel the pain any more. Xx

    Reply
  • January 15, 2020 at 7:10 pm

    I have just gone through another verbal attack. He elevates every time he does it. Adds one more dimension to put me down. I have him at a standstill right now because I refused to play the game. He pulls out all his armor of anything that he thinks will hurt me and then goes one step further to see if I will lose it. I am just friends with this person and so glad of it. Have known him for 12 years and he will never change. Anger is just below the surface and this time I asked him why? It threw him off base and we have gone a week without speaking. Fortunately he is 1000 miles away so don’t have to deal with him. Believe me he is plotting right now.

    Reply
  • January 29, 2020 at 11:43 am

    I have lived with a NPD woman for over 40 yrs. Most of those years were living hell. No matter what I did, said, accomplished or tried it was never enough. There was always something wrong I did or didn’t do. You could never win. It was exhausting. There were so many times I thought my brains were going to burst from the mental pressure and verbal abuse. I couldn’t understand how or why someone could get so pissed over nothing….like not eating meatballs the right way or not cooking sausage the way they thought it should be. It drives you nuts.

    They have little appreciation for the effort you put out. She could watch a tear jerker movie where I’m fighting tears and she acted like it was a commercial. I’ve always been dumbfounded how callous and cruel at times she could be. The level of pain they can inflict is unbearable at times and the worst part is having no one believe you….you’re alone….they’re the saints and you’re the prick. I’ve literally had emotional breakdowns on a couple of occasions trying to deal with the constant shit. I had to tell our son to move out so as to save his sanity.

    We tried marriage counseling that was a joke. The minute we’d get back in the car I’d get hammered with verbal abuse. She’d be all sweet an innocent in their office and a monster afterward. The one time a counselor noticed her non-compassion she instantly hated the counselor and wouldn’t go anymore.

    I live with constant low level depression, feeling unhappy and unloved. NPD’s are ultra-needy and like a bottomless pit…you can never do enough to please them. I could never understand why she would ridicule or diss me when we were with friends. The shit they do to you is unbelievable. If you did half of what they do, you’d hate yourself. I’ve left a few times only to return again. I can honestly say that NPD’s are extremely cruel people…the pain they inflict is evil. They screw with your head to the point you wonder if your the one who is insane.

    My advice to anyone in a relationship with an NPD is LEAVE before they kill you, you commit suicide or go insane. That being said, I’m staying. I made a commitment the day I married her; “in sickness and in health”. I remind myself how horrible it must be to be so screwed up in the head to treat people this way or what a horrible childhood she must have had to have caused her to be this way. I remind myself she’s not well, that its not me…but that she’s literally not well in the head and it’s not her fault she can’t act normal. I pray that God gives me the strength to carry on because it sure as hell ain’t easy. But who else would love her? Who else would put up with it? If not me, then who?

    Reply
    • February 12, 2020 at 9:58 pm

      I can totally sympathize with you; this sounds like a very accurate summary of my situation although I haven’t had to endure for anywhere near what you have. My condolences…

      It is heartbreaking, knowing the trauma that must have been endured as a child for this fractured personality to result. And no matter how much love and compassion you are prepared to offer, ultimately there is no cure. 🙁

      Reply
  • February 13, 2020 at 12:19 am

    As far as I know most narcissists are not aware they are narcissists and therefore cannot be cured. To fix a problem requires awareness so self work can be performed; without that acknowledgement there is nothing to fix.

    I wish more than anything this was not the case as I am deeply in love with someone who has caused me incredible amounts of pain over the last 3 years. They are a textbook narcissist and have protested that are not when I’ve gently brought up the subject. Even without provocation on numerous occasions they have reiterated that they are not a narcissist which indicates they must be dwelling on the thought. I have tried so hard to be there for them, selflessly and lovingly, but the reality is I know I’m just being taken advantage of.

    I am not in touch at the moment (silent treatment) and know I should stay away but love is a strong lure. All I have to do is read through my phone texts to remind myself of the abhorrent way he treated me, as if reflecting on the day to day behavior wasn’t enough. This included sudden mood changes which led to suddenly walking out and not being contactable for days. If I did turn up at his house he would rant and scream for me to leave totally unreasonably and never with an explanation. I was always giving and he was always taking – and demanding.

    I always saw (and continue to see) the scarred, hurting, lonely and frightened soul who desperately needed stability and love. But ultimately too blinded by their own disturbed perceptions to be in a position to accept the selfless love and help I offered. Unable to recognize the truth existing behind my intentions. It will always break my heart that I am unable to undo the damage done by whatever early childhood trauma created his broken personality.

    Reply
    • February 13, 2020 at 5:27 am

      Attachment is to often confused with love….True love does not hurt….

      Reply
 

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