12 thoughts on “6 Reasons Why Narcissists Try to Appear Caring and Helpful

  • May 3, 2020 at 2:27 pm

    Another great article, thanks you! My narcissistic sister appears to be helpful to people, but I see through her intentions. She does things for people, but it doesn’t come from her heart because she can’t feel empathy for others. The only person she cares about is herself. She does it for the flattery. She always makes sure her ‘good deeds’ are made public via social media to gain even more praises.

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  • May 3, 2020 at 11:35 pm

    As always trying to look for deeper issues and thoughts when pertaining to these personality disorder types. This article does not fail in that regard it certainly shows these types in a certain light that I have seen first hand. I found it to be very helpful yet it is sad that these folks are out there. Knowledge is power

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  • May 4, 2020 at 9:10 am

    This article was very helpful!!!!!!

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  • May 4, 2020 at 10:21 am

    I learned of this trait from my ex husband. Classic and so is The President of the United States.

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  • May 4, 2020 at 11:27 am

    How does one become narcissistic

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  • May 5, 2020 at 3:02 pm

    Narcissism is a terrible disorder!
    Only God can help you out of their net.

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  • May 6, 2020 at 7:53 am

    Very good article. When I was diagnosed with cancer, some of my bosses and colleagues wanted to ‘help’… i.e. choose a doctor for me (cosmetic surgery only – they were against systemic treatment) and decide of my ‘treatment’ (fasting and running… I have slipped discs and one of the reasons I was diagnosed with cancer was that my BMI had dropped to 17, from 19-20 previously). They also wanted to keep a blog about my ‘fight against cancer’ on the company’s website, to try and recruit more cancer patients as clients (inheritance tax, death in service, life insurance lump sum payments etc.). I was even advised to eat apricot stones because they contain arsenic and that would kill the cancer…

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  • May 7, 2020 at 9:55 pm

    Thank you for the article. It’s important to me that I could read it tonight.

    I am a high functioning covert narcissist. To be more precise, diagnosed with mixed personality disorder. On the outside appearing more OCPD than narcissistic.

    Many people seem not to believe that my empathy is weakened. I see my emotion, especially compassion or worry, as a sign of vulnerability. I can’t be very compassionate but often do my best to support the others. It makes me tired, frustrated, sometimes losing patience but I don’t want to be seen as a jerk.

    It’s nice to see this kind of article, a sensible one, not making me feel over-blamed for who I am. I still have a few notes to be made. I hope this doesn’t make anyone feel offended or anything. I’m asking to understand better and to feel a little bit more understood.

    First of all, I use to think that people are not capable of true altruism. Doing good things gives us gratification or makes conscience remain silent. Can people really cut it off and be altruistic? If no, what’s the difference between doing something from empathy and for other purposes? If empathy makes you suffer yourself because of someone’s suffering, why are empaths more gratituded for their compassion than non-empaths?

    The second thing, at the end you are writing that people should not be trated as a thing by narcs. I can’t disagree with this statement. People are people and deserve to be treated with respect. But how do you perceive this dehumanization? By lack of empathy? People usually have no influence on how they feel towards the others. Disordered people can only do their best to give them good pieces of advice or stay with them when they need it. Is the reason (like boosting self-esteem) really that important if two people are feeling better?

    Thank you for the answers in advance.

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  • May 23, 2020 at 12:58 pm

    Jerry, I admire your honesty, and ability to understand what is going on inside yourself, we who have been in relationships with people suffering from NPD and similar, would really like to work out what is happening, for our own health and sanity. To gain your insight, does help us, because to many of us, are left with so many unanswered questions about this condition, and not many people are brave enough to enlighten us, so thankyou

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    • June 24, 2020 at 1:20 pm

      Thank you for your reply, Esme. It’s good to see a positive answer to my words – it means a lot. If you have questions, you can try r/AskNPD (Reddit) or Quora. If I could help, let me know.

      I can only imagine how does it look like from the spouse’s perspective and what kind of behaviour makes you feel hurt. In my case rage outbursts are caused by something a neurotypical could call ‘guilt’. When I think that I could be the one doing something wrong, I react defensively to avoid taking the blame. I think that it could be common for coverts. And, speaking for them, I think that we are the ones lacking acceptance from ourselves, seeking it in the enviroment. We had past experiences connected to lack of this acceptance which made us think that we have to earn it. I don’t live for myself but for success and admiration, which I hate. I hate being so dependent on the others’ words, opinions, behaviours. It’s only the way I perceive the society and I have no idea what do grandiose narcissists think, but I hope this helps you understand it a little bit better.

      However, be aware of the fact that nothing excuses abuse.

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  • June 3, 2020 at 4:22 pm

    This is my ex to a tee! It was initially so hard for me to understand – that cognitive dissonance thing narcs do – he would do all these nice things but seemingly for his benefit at the end of the day. He would “help” out the older woman who owned the building he lived in, but he charged her for tools and got free rent in return. If you asked him, she was like a second mother. He has thousands of dollars of tools that he charged to her accounts. He would buy things on her account and return them for cash for him. He like to participate in charity events but always had to take pictures and get to know the celebrities. He was a huge name dropper. Wrote a facebook post about violence against woman and would shove and grab me and scream at me behind closed doors. Controlled my every move. Showed up at my house multiple times a day, with no warning. Ate all my food, never offered to pay for a thing. Just a complete waste of space. And he has two kids that I fear for.

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  • June 24, 2020 at 11:27 am

    I have been with a narcissist for 50 years. When we were 18 he said he “wanted to be with me but I had to understand there would always be boats”. I thought he meant he loved me but he has the weirdest definition of love I’ve ever experienced. Bottom line, it has gotten so awful I want to leave at 68.

    This constant abuse, silent treatment, gaslighting, etc. etc. has finally done me in. There have been worst moments, when he insisted I get an abortion after he bought a new boat so we could go cruising when he got laid off, and I agreed with our 3 year old in tow we rented out our home and had a very hard trip for 11 months on that little 30 ft boat. I turned 30 on that trip.

    We came back and I really wanted another child so he allowed me to get pregnant and have a little girl. When she was a newborn he had a “friend from work who needed help fixing her roof”. I was so trusting I believed him. I don’t know what went on, he spent a couple of weekends all day with her, but at one point he described her father telling him she had been raped and that she was “fragile”. He told me he had decided not to fix her roof. Looking back there must have been more on that table than I could have imagined at the time. I was so happy to have our daughter. It took a year for me to get pregnant and I thought god was punishing me for that abortion. (I do not even believe there is a god). I was 32. I knew in my heart he was either being unfaithful or considering it but I refused to believe it. He moved on to work elsewhere so that connection was lost to him.

    He has an outsized ego. When we retired he had built us a boat (number 16) to go on another long trip but the entire year we were gone he ignored me and drank every night to excess. If I did have fun with people we met along the way he admonished and embarrassed me. I felt so diminished. When we did return earlier than expected because of my lack of enthusiasm, my fault for my homesickness and loneliness, nothing to do with the fact that he seemed to resent my very existence, he decided to just have a one afternoon stand with a complete stranger so he says. He waited 6 months to tell me about it and it was not with anguish or remorse it was with so what are you going to do about it, I’ll leave. I was on my way to my regular gyn checkup and he told me he’d had a “random sexual encounter and that I should be tested for STDs” Shock! I had no clue, except for the fact that our sex life had ended which I attributed to his age and didn’t question him on because he is “so fragile” himself. He was in misery cause he thought he had gotten Aids but hadn’t gotten tested himself and that I should do this for him too. I went to that appointment barely able to keep myself in check in order to find out we were both clear. But really! I should have let him but I was so emotionally messed up by that revelation after what I thought was 35 years of fidelity that I decided to give it a try to repair our marriage. He was not very nice about any of my resulting PTSD reactions over the next few years. I was so mixed up and horrified and lacked any self confidence to leave him.

    This constant stress and a major ugly fight where he was gaslighting me etc. etc. caused me to have a heart attack at 65. Then he cared for me like a baby. When I was dutifully cared for, showered, fed, etc. he spent his afternoons while I napped off meeting a group of women and drinking, supposedly he went for a “bike ride”. His narcissistic supply harem!

    A year after the surgery I was feeling pretty positive about us when I picked up his ringing phone to take it to him and there was a message from a strange woman to him saying “I woke up thinking about your blue eyes”. That was on Mother’s Day. I was so distraught. He acted like it was nothing. He still refuses to even say they had a relationship, even an emotional one although now I knew he lied to me and I checked for more messages from her. They went back to when I was recovering from my surgery! There were personal emails detailing her life to him. There were invitations and emails back and forth where they would plan when and where they were meeting. And I am the nuts one for being upset about this situation. He says he did nothing wrong as he never even touched her hand! We were involved socially with a group of people in our club and she was one of them. This was horrible and I still can’t stand to see her or the people that were involved even though he says he is no longer in communication with her. He insists it didn’t happen the way it did! I have noticed the affect his character assassination of me to this group has resulted in people I have been friends with longer than he has been pulling away from me. He must have said some awful things.

    I really really want to get away from him. I really don’t know how. Untangling our 50 years together, our finances, selling our home will mean I have to move away from my home town, I won’t be able to live here too expensive now. That means I have to leave my only daughter and only grandchild, who bought the house next door. I have to make new friends in a new place. That takes about 5 years I find. I haven’t mentioned that his ego has made him buy and sell every house we have owned after doing remodeling, of which I physically participated and have the battle scars to show for it. Then there is the long list of 19 boats we have also owned that he has dedicated our sparse resources and all of his time to. We have moved 23 times into storage or houses, two separate year long trips on other boats, me trying to convince him that I was into it but getting turned off by his behavior so much that it finally ruined it for me. I get that he can’t relate well to people. He wants people to see his beautiful boats and how good he is at fixing them up. But then he won’t have people visit etc. I love to talk to people but when we were with our social club he would not talk, until he found this woman and apparently created his little harem of appreciative females.

    I literally stood beside his communicator and him many times and no attempt to introduce me or include me in their friendship, They always pretended not to know each other though they have been drinking buddies for over a year when I found out about them. Hence my dislike of this group now, his group that were my friends first.

    To top it off we had a big fight and it’s still over his womanizing. It got so violent I ended up with a large bruise and thought my arm, swollen to twice its normal size would be something I perhaps had to have checked by my MD so I went in. He reported to police. Two nights later they came out and we were reconciled but the lead cop said he had to go to jail because of the bruise. This has been a financial nightmare and with the Covid 19 virus our court date just to arraignment is still 3 months away.

    I am trying to decide if I should finally play this potent card, the police report, in a divorce court?

    Any thoughts?

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