Why ‘Bids for Affection’ Should Still Count on Tinder
It’s a strange shortcut. But with years of research to back it up, why not use it to your advantage?
Aren’t you tired of wasting your time?
Useless Tinder talks fall into 1 of 3 categories:
1) You spend a lot of time having a conversation with someone and then things just taper off.
No talk of ever meeting, just a pointless conversation with a pointless stranger.
2) You finally get to the point of discussing activities you might like to do or even days that work best.
Then there is no effort to actually do any of those things.
3) After getting to know each other, or even stalking each other on Facebook, you’re finally OK to meet up.
Unfortunately, it doesn’t take long for a weird hug to turn into lukewarm conversation.
You can already tell there’s nothing there and you’re looking at the exit almost immediately.
But there’s a pro-tip to cut the B.S. in under 30 seconds.
It’s based on work from Dr. John Gottman – a famous relationship psychologist hailed as one of 10 top influencers of all time.
This guy is the Jane Goodall of human romance and coupling.
If you think you’ve had some relationship issue that he hasn’t researched, you’re wrong.
In only one session, he can predict when a marriage is doomed to fail with over 90% accuracy.
So take his most eye-opening insight seriously, it’ll save you loads of time and frustration.
What’s his insight?
He places a huge emphasis on how people respond to your “bids for affection.”
[A bid is any small outreach you make for connection.]
They can pay adequate attention to your bid, brush it off, or become combative and start an argument over it.
Basically, you have the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly.
If you mention something specific to your partner, you likely want some interaction about it. Why else would you bring it up, right?
So, how can this help you on Tinder?
Get right to the point! But subtly…
You can tell if someone would be a terrible partner or is a self-centered jerk rather fast.
All you need to do is pepper in an obvious bid and see how they respond.
Alex: Hey how’s your day?
You: Really amazing actually. Yours?
Alex: Awesome. I’ve been doing [this and that]. Do you live in the area?
Don’t respond to people like Alex. Save your time and unmatch.
If you say your day has been “amazing” and the other person doesn’t even think to ask why. Don’t waste another keystroke.
If you hint that there’s more to the story – that’s a bid.
If the other person doesn’t acknowledge your bid – move on.
They’re either too socially inept to recognize it or they’re too self-absorbed to care.
These people won’t give you the conversation you’re looking for and they’d be bad partners if it ever made it that far.
So, ignoring your bid by 1) giving a short answer 2) changing the subject or 3) going on about themselves should be a deal breaker.
You can make this assessment in the first few exchanges you have – and you really should.
Because you have better things to do than waste your time with people who don’t acknowledge your bids – it’s a fundamental part of your relationships and happiness. Take it seriously.
Emry, J. (2017). Why ‘Bids for Affection’ Should Still Count on Tinder. Psych Central. Retrieved on February 19, 2018, from https://blogs.psychcentral.com/psychology-personality/2015/10/05/3-extremely-common-tinder-responses-that-should-be-a-deal-breaker-james-emry/