I thought about how much I hated her
For leaving me.
Then I thought about how much I hated myself
For losing her.
Then I thought about how much I hated myself
For hating her.
Then I thought about how much I hated myself
For hating myself.
Then I thought about how much I hated her
For making me hate myself.
Then I thought about how much I hated myself
For allowing her to make me hate myself.
Then I thought about how much I hated myself
For not being able to stop hating her or myself.

Then I thought about how much I hated my mother
For teaching me to hate women.
Then I thought about how much I hated my father
For teaching me to hate being a man.
Then I thought about how much I hated my brother
For for bullying me.
Then I thought about how much I hated myself
For allowing my brother to bully me.
Then I thought about how much I hated my daughter
For hating me.
Then I thought about how much I hated myself
For allowing my daughter to be mean to me.
Then I thought about how much I hated myself
For hating myself for hating my daughter.

Then I thought about how much I hated women
For being critical of me as a man.
Then I thought about how much I hated men
For being losers like me.
Then I thought about I hated certain political groups
For feeling superior to me.
Then I thought about how much I hated myself
For letting these groups make me hate myself.
Then I thought about how much I hated my neighbors
For staring at me and thinking that I was full of hate.
Then I thought about how much I hated the world
For standing by while I festered with hate.
Then I thought about how much I hated the universe
For making me feel that all this hate was totally vain
Inane, and insane, not to mention
An enormous waste of time immemorial.

Then I thought about how much I hated God
For making a hateful world.
Then I thought about how much I hated this Supreme Being
For playing a practical joke on us all,
Giving us life and then taking it away.
Then I thought about how much I hated the universe
For not telling us what it all means.
Then I thought about how much I hated black holes
For sucking everything into themselves.
Then I thought about how much I hated the angry meteorites
That threaten our extinction at any moment.
Then I thought about how mjuch I hated
Hating the universe.

And, alas, I thought about how I was a complete
And udder (yes I said udder) failure,
And I hated myself for being
This udder failure
And I hated myself for hating myself
For being a miserable failure
And I hated myself for wasting days, week, months, years
Hating myself for being a failure.
And I hated myself for being caught up
In this cycle of hating.
And I hated that I would never, ever understand,
Apparently never at all grasp
The futility of hating.

This poem is from the author’s book of poems and drawings, Holding on and Letting Go.