I haven’t been doing great the past few weeks. It’s my own fault — I mentioned this before, but I skipped several doses of my medication when I had the flu a few weeks ago, and I’ve really been struggling to get back on track.
Add to that the miserableness of the flu in general (and the fact that it’s still clinging on in the form of a stuffed, sniffly nose that may be a sinus infection), and the long hours I’ve been putting in to catch up on the work I missed or let slide while I was sick, and my routine is off. My sleep is off, too, which is historically a real problem for me.
I guess it’s unsurprising that I’ve been dipping from down-but-normal to a little depressed, mood-wise. For me, depression is a creeping, unyielding, unbearable boredom that removes all purpose from life. Nothing is interesting, nothing is fun or sad or any other emotion.
Now that I’ve been working with a therapist for a while, I can see how this depression feeds into my OCD and vice versa. This is when I start having the intrusive thoughts about snapping and hurting someone or myself. And the unrelenting boredom makes me feel like I might really do it, which leads to intense anxiety — about the only real emotion I’ve been feeling for a few days now.
I have the same sort of problem when I’ve had brushes with hypomania in the past. I don’t have a lot of OCD symptoms in the midst of it all, but when I begin to come back down the combination of sinking mood and racing thoughts clings onto all sorts of weird obsessions.
I feel like I’m definitely more compulsive around those times, whereas when I’m depressed I tend to wallow (and navel-gaze, I guess).
The nice thing about having this kind of insight now is that understanding my OCD and how it works and how it interacts with my moods has made me less anxious about it. When I begin having certain intrusive thoughts, I can look at my moods and see if they’re influencing my OCD. When my mood dips, I know to expect certain internal drama.
I’m not yet at the stage where I know how to break myself out of it, unfortunately, but I do have more tools to deal with it, and I know it will eventually pass. Even if it’s hard to remember that when my brain jumps into the “nothing will ever be interesting again and there’s no point to anything” cycle.
Which is my tl;dr way of saying I don’t have anything interesting to write about today. Sorry.
Photo by dgoomany