So I just started taking Prozac again. It’s working fast. I’m only on 10 mg. I started at 20, but it made me feel like a zombie. To be honest, I’m still a bit blank. It takes me longer to conjure up thoughts than it did a week ago.
Which sucks. Because the other effects are great. I appreciate not having that constant feeling of doom. It also helps with my binge eating. I’m gonna try this a bit longer because people say the numbness wears off. But if my emotional range doesn’t come back soon, it’s not worth it. I’ll either have to try something else or go back to being the volatile and nominally functional human I naturally am.
Don’t get me wrong. I can still feel things. But it’s like I feel them through a layer of cotton. It’s creepy. Especially for autistics. I have trouble identifying my feelings if they’re not hitting me over the head.
I decided to finish up my bottle after a particularly hard night. I knew something had to change. I was like a raw nerve constantly being sawed at. Everything set me off. I was so immobilized by my fears of aging and finality that I couldn’t make any decisions at all. I spent hours every night reading about things I was scared of on the Internet. My boyfriend was at his wit’s end. I didn’t even want to see my friends because they’d call me out and I couldn’t handle it.
But my brain was always going. In the subway. On the Stairmaster. In the shower. Always ideas. I couldn’t do anything with them because I was too depressed to focus. But it’s unsettling to have my brain quiet down like this. I liked the way I was. Everything hurt, but I had this compass that directed me to the crux of the unfairness of life so I could figure it out.
I felt better today. I had a good therapy session and the ideas started coming back a little. I’m hopeful. But this is a shitty decision to have to make. Especially for people with things like schizophrenia who HAVE to take pills. Much stronger ones than Prozac too. You can either be broken, alone, terrified, and dangerous, or bite the bullet, take the pills, and lose yourself. It’s one of the worst personal dilemmas in the world; the weight of which only neurologically “gifted” people like ourselves understand. I hope they come out with better treatments for mental illness in the near future.