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When You’re A Burned-Out And Depressed Ex-Slut Who Wants To Write A Book

I’m bored.

I’m so bored. I’m about to turn 30 in a couple of months. I’m an attractive, if a bit chunky, woman who’s got dark impulses and not many more chances to use them. I know it would be stupid to leave my stable relationship to get back into all that. Especially since it didn’t serve me too well in my younger years.

I feel like a cliché. I’m the girl your parents warned you about. I’m Blanche du fucking Bois. One of the only things that’s keeping me going is that I think I’m a good writer. I know it would be healthier for me to just take pills and move on with my life. But I’ve never been one to go out quietly. I can’t just get past the pain. I have to make it MEAN something.

I’m no Shakespeare or anything. But I do think I have a pretty good grasp of the human id because I’ve seen a few things other people haven’t. I feel like if I don’t do something with it all my life experience means nothing. If you can’t do, teach, right? And writing counts as teaching. I can’t really do anymore. I haven’t hit the wall just yet, but I’m old enough to know how the tomfoolery ends.

It’s not fair. Men are excused for their transgressions because its part of the creative lifestyle. People think it’s badass when writers like David Foster Wallace are drunk womanizing animals until they die. Bukowski drank and smoked and fucked his groupies until he married a much younger woman in his fifties. My favorite bad girl writer is Cat Marnell, but she’s in her mid-thirties now and people are SO worried about her. We can’t just let women be.

And there’s a reason for that. We DO get less sexual attention as we get older. We DO run out of options. And there’s absolutely nothing we can do about it. I support radical life extension for feminist reasons. But it won’t happen in my lifetime.

Hopefully I can write a giant piece of greatness to justify my pain. I don’t care what happens to me after that. I hope other women can relate to this, because the struggle is real.

 

When You’re A Burned-Out And Depressed Ex-Slut Who Wants To Write A Book

Gwendolyn Kansen

Gwen Kansen is a mental health writer in New York. She likes food, karaoke, and smart-but-campy books & TV. She's hoping to capture a little sliver of life on here that might not be the first thing you'd see.


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APA Reference
Kansen, G. (2016). When You’re A Burned-Out And Depressed Ex-Slut Who Wants To Write A Book. Psych Central. Retrieved on November 18, 2018, from https://blogs.psychcentral.com/not-robot/2016/11/when-youre-a-burned-out-and-depressed-ex-slut-who-wants-to-write-a-book/

 

Last updated: 3 Nov 2016
Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 3 Nov 2016
Published on PsychCentral.com. All rights reserved.