For whatever reason, settle into the mindset that part of you is motivated toward pain. This, of course, is masochism. Probably emotional masochism.
If you can get your mind around that, then pay attention during your day to the following:
• Decisions around people, activities, food, and drink
• How you talk to yourself (every sound in your head is your own)
• How often you feel like things are unfair or that people are stupid
• Anything you believe you should do that you avoid
• Anything you believe you should NOT do that you….do.
Basically, you’re going to pretend you have an inner-saboteur who wants to get you. Then, pay close attention to how you conduct yourself, what you’re tempted to do, and what you avoid. Chances are, you will find your inner-saboteur lurking in the background, ready to pounce on any opportunity to suffer.
It’s normal to self-sabotage
It’s not ideal, but self-sabotage is part of the human condition. We came out of the womb with high expectations – life had always been a womb! The cold, hard, indifferent world is a shock.
Normal delays in gratification combined with encounters with mean people were a living hell. Part of us had to do something with that hell, so it embraced it and even learned to love it. If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em! Or so goes the psychodynamic theories when you break them down to common terms.
Ok, so you’ve got this inner demon and the biggest problem is not knowing you have it. The saboteur works on autopilot and you might even believe its lies. And you suffer because: 1) You unconsciously make choices that cause suffering and 2) You don’t realize it.
That’s quite a trap. I’m in it, too.
To reverse that – a long journey – begin by toying with the idea that part of you is motivated toward the things you think you’ve been trying to avoid and see if your life suddenly makes sense.