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Men: Why you Take your Wife for Granted

husband's attitudeMen. Some of us are masters at taking our wives for granted. It’s nearly an art form – albeit an unconscious one.

Why do men take wives or long-term partners for granted? I’ll skip over the fluff and get straight to the heart of the issue, based on my experience as a former counselor turned coach.

Men take their wives for granted as a manifestation of their own drive toward rejection. Let’s take a look at how that works on unconscious level. But first, let me remind you of the miserable dance many couples do.

The Appreciation Dance

Many men take their wives for granted because they are consciously focused on other things. Professional work, work around the house, hobbies and leisure activities. As long as she’s not complaining, they don’t notice a problem.

Oh, maybe they have stray thoughts like, “I should be more appreciative. I should go spend some time with her. I ought to go help with dinner.”

But these thoughts are easily dismissed and we go about our self-centered business.


She’s had enough. Then, she lays down the gauntlet. You are informed that she is exhausted of the lack of appreciation and your lack of investment in the relationship. Her emotional bank account is drained and she is done with you.

Given that romantic love is never unconditional, the man is jolted awake when his partner begins falling out of love.

Filled with panic, you instantly transform into The Best Husband Ever. Compliments, flowers, and tiny acts of kindness abound. You’re a man on a mission to save your relationship and avoid being alone.

Totally insecure, you keep at it until the situation seems handled. With renewed faith, she relaxes back into coupledom. Your sex life is happening again. All is well. Whew.

And you return to your old, unappreciative ways…

Some marriages go through many cycles of this dance, until things finally end out of frustration, or all hope is lost and the couple settles for less than expected.

Unconscious Revelations about a Man’s Psyche

If we just cut to the chase with what’s going on deep down in a man’s psyche, we’d find the following:

At his core, the man is wounded – convinced that no woman will ever want to be close to him. If he moves toward her with appreciation and kindness, he fears two scenarios: 1) She will ultimately reject him as he opens up and makes himself vulnerable and/or 2) She will accept and love him with great intimacy.

Considering himself rejection material, he deeply fears both scenarios.

As a result, many men do something wildly childish. They take what they can get without having to return the love and be close to anyone. Of course, this is a ploy destined for failure; the one choice that guarantees rejection in the long run.

What’s to be done?

There’s no magic pill. Men need to do their personal development work. Most of all, they need to understand emotional self-sabotage, which is held in place by negative psychological attachments – in this case, the man is likely attached to rejection.

Overall, the best approach to dealing with a drive toward ultimate rejection is to educate yourself. Learn how self-sabotage works by watching this free and enlightening video.

Men: Why you Take your Wife for Granted

Mike Bundrant

Mike Bundrant is the author of Your Achilles Eel: Discover and Overcome the Hidden Cause of Negative Emotions, Bad Decisions and Self-Sabotage and co-founder at The iNLP Center which offers online certification in Neuro-Linguistic Programming and life coaching.

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APA Reference
Bundrant, M. (2019). Men: Why you Take your Wife for Granted. Psych Central. Retrieved on September 23, 2020, from


Last updated: 27 Mar 2019
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