If so, you may find the following perspective on men to be very enlightening. It might even spur you into action to get the appreciation you deserve. It’s part of a larger work that I am involved in writing. I thought I’d test it out here on PsychCentral to discover what you think.
There is actually a lot of research behind the information here. Forgive me, I am still compiling it. Mostly I’m interested in how these facts jive with what you know to be true at the level of intuition and experience in your life.
Does the following ring true for you, even though you may have never considered it before?
It all begins with what I am calling (for now) the holy trinity of facts about men:
Fact #1. Good men don’t appreciate what they don’t earn. They appreciate what they work for.
You want your man to see YOU and your mutual relationship as one of his greatest accomplishments in life. This means he MUST work to keep you. This is for his own good as well as yours.
Fact #2. Good men take for granted what is abundantly available or what they will never lose. They love competing for scarce resources.
You want your man to feel so lucky that he is the ONLY one in the world who has WON you and to realize that he could LOSE you at any time.
Fact #3. Many men harbor fantasies of being “players” with multitudes of women swarming about them, catering to their every sexual whim without requiring anything in return. They instinctively feel like committing to just one woman is settling for a single bean when they could have had the whole bushel.
It’s ludicrous. And it’s still true.
Of course, they would not ultimately value an entire harem of sex slaves either. Men are only happy and appreciative when they work for what they get from women, continually. The problem is, they don’t necessarily know this consciously.
This is why men have such a hard time putting forth effort to maintain what they already take for granted. It’s why they have a hard time investing in just you, especially after they have already won you and don’t have any concern about losing you.
Given the above facts, here are 4 reasons why he may not be appreciating you
Reason #1. He gets what he wants when he hasn’t earned it.
You make him his food. You bring him his beer. You wash his clothes and pick up after him. You’re raising his children. You give him sex. You give, give, give, right?
And you’d think it would occur to him to give something in return. Most likely, he works and earns a good portion of the living (but some men don’t even do that). But what about the rest of your life? What about the time together that matters most? What about the endless domestic to-do lists?
Duh. He doesn’t care.
What’s going on? Why doesn’t he put forth more effort? How does he not see your needs? Given that you are taking care of everyone in the house, you’d think it might dawn on him that nobody is taking care of you! And you need to be taken care of. If he doesn’t take care of you, who will? You need the respect and appreciation and the effort. You need to know he cares.
Is he just going to somehow get it one day and see the light?
Will he wake up on his own and begin to be more conscientious?
Is he just a broken, narcissistic pig?
The highest possibility is that he is a regular guy with a brain deeply programmed to follow the rules stated above.
If you give and give and give without requiring something in return – some form of work on his part – his primitive male brain will categorize you as a freebie. When men get something for free, they may appreciate it temporarily. If they keep getting it for free, they will devalue it for sure.
Reason #2. He doesn’t believe he will lose you.
Most men are somewhat delusional about where they stand in their relationships. You’d think it would occur to him without any prompting that one day you’ll be gone if he keeps taking you for granted.
If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. That’s the typical man’s attitude. And he has no idea that the relationship is broken. Why not? Most likely because he keeps getting what he wants from you. And he is blind to how you are actually feeling about him, even if you have explained yourself to him clearly.
Even if you’ve told him how upset you are, it will not penetrate his thick skull as long as he is still getting everything he needs. (I know, it’s not fair).
He doesn’t realize that you might be dreaming of another man, one who will finally meet your needs. He doesn’t take you seriously when you explain your needs without forcing him to experience the reality that you are a precious resource that does not renew automatically.
This is why men don’t respond to pleas and nagging. They respond to experience. When he has experienced what you feel and how it will surely impact his life, he will mobilize his resources to keep you happy.
Reason #3. He thinks he can get away with fantasizing about other women.
A lot of men like to cling to fantasies of endless love slaves even after they have committed to one woman. They keep skanky calendars around. They subscribe to magazines like Maxim. They’re scoping out all the eye candy around them throughout the day, flirting with the pretty little skirt that hangs around the office, chatting up the ex-girlfriend from high school on Facebook, and engaging in all manner of nonsense, both online and off.
If you’re OK with all that, you’ve just compromised yourself. You’re sending the message that YOU are not worth his undivided attention. When your man discovers that his silly fantasies pale in comparison to the fufilment that his possible when he invests solely in his relationship with you, he will let it all go.
Now, if your man is super invested in his fantasy, he might be Beyond Your Reach. He may into porn. He might be having affairs. In my experience, men with these issues could very well fall into the category of Beyond Your Reach. You’ll need to know this, of course. This is something we’ll discuss in greater detail later in the book.
Reason #4. Grandaddy of all reasons: You believe that being a prince should come naturally to him, so you passively for wait “it” to happen.
And while you are waiting for the magic to finally happen, you are passively allowing reasons 1-3 to run rampant in your relationship.
If you fall on the wrong side of the holy trinity of facts, then your man will not be able to appreciate you. It’s not your fault. It’s not his fault. It’s just the truth. The moment your man begins to see you as an ever-available resource that he does not have to earn, his mind will begin to wander. He will immediately devalue your relationship, take you for granted and rest on his laurels, no matter how miserable either one of you might be.
A follow up article could deal with how, specifically to make these facts about men work in your favor.
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