9 thoughts on “No, You’re *Not* Being Watched and Judged Constantly

  • April 15, 2016 at 2:02 pm

    ‘ To deserve life ‘

    Well put. Exactly why my culture (Lithuania) has been leading in world suicide rates. The flip side of the laid back ‘Dolce Far Niente’. Lithuania leads in bullying and google ‘Lithuania’s brilliant smear campaign – against itself’. The YouTube video from a Lithuanian newspaper, about their alarming suicide rate, speaks about a suicide gene. Narcissist gene is more like it.
    I speak from experience….
    To escape being constantly preached to and ‘fixed’ I removed myself and started living Canadian only. After decades of living Canadian I moved back into the Lithuanian Community and wow were my eyes opened. It is the narcissists who need the fixing.
    Thank you for this:)

    Reply
    • April 16, 2016 at 7:28 am

      Well, hello canuck!
      The main narcissist in my life just so happens to be Lithuanian!
      Talk about coincidence.
      Their mother, a narcissist too. Straight from Lithuania.
      Now,the daughters daughter is one too.
      Good luck.

      Reply
      • April 21, 2016 at 8:13 pm

        Think it is not as big a coincidence as one might think. PTSD and old insecurities have resurfaced because I thought it was just my family that was cruel so I moved back into the Lithuanian community. Have not seen so much bullying, cowardly back stabbing, hypocrisy and lack of soul since my other life with my relatives. Have been doing research on the Internet to not feel the shame of it possibly being me – as the narcissists imply, hence here I am. Like vultures they sense my vulnerabilities from youth and get at the wounds I forgot about because I thought they were healed. If I did not speak Lithuanian from my youth and had not had the experience of a totally different culture I would not understand the difference. It is not a kind ethical culture (ethics are all show) hence the high suicide rate.

        Reply
  • April 16, 2016 at 1:35 am

    Thank you, Lenora. You hit the nail on the head!
    My life under the surveillance of my narcissistic parents was constant WORK. My mother’s assignment for me was to carry out endless household chores perfectly with an anticipatory obedience and my father demanded his children to never be a nuisance and, god forbid, never to appear dumb. It was a nightmare!
    Still, to this day, I automatically monitor myself in everything I do. Am I doing this right? How do I look while doing it? Do I appear unskilled? I hope nobody finds out how stupid I am.
    I was constantly forced to observe myself from the outside, which meant that I was only able to concentrate on how I appeared to others and never on what I was actually doing. Have you ever tried doing that in the act of creation, i.e. whilst writing, painting or designing? It completely destroys the act of creation! It sucks the very essence of life out of you.
    Only after those two dull ghosts passed away did I start to live. My mother died young but my father’s death was just recently. When his wife informed my sister and me about his terminal illness my very first thought was, ‘Now I will finally be free.’ and my sister said, ‘Now there is nobody we have to feel ashamed before anymore.’

    Thank you for this eye-opener.

    Reply
    • April 23, 2016 at 4:37 pm

      Hi Tanya,

      Thanks so much for your comment. I kinda’ relate to what you shared, in a slightly different way. In my household, every new interest was met with, “Well, let’s get a book out from the library and learn how to do it right.”

      NOOOOO!!!!! How about we just wing it and have fun, even if it turns out crappy. Learning by trial-and-error is part of the fun! There’s no God-given right way to do projects. It’s not a competition. Just another life experience. Relax! No books!

      Perhaps that’s why they say expressing our creativity is integral to recovering from narcissistic abuse.

      Just today I flew into a temper when I burned the pancakes. WHY!?! Because I failed. I didn’t fry them perfectly. Shame on me!

      NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

      Thanks so much for sharing. We are indeed on the same page!

      ~ L

      Reply
  • April 21, 2016 at 12:58 am

    Excellent post. I especially like this:
    “It’s important to be responsible and clean. But there ‘s a difference between doing it cause we need clean dishes and clean clothes versus doing it to prove ones self-worth. To buoy one’s self-esteem. To deserve, well, life!”

    Reply
    • April 21, 2016 at 7:36 am

      Thank you, Linda Lee. Nice to know someone else knows what I mean by “living symbolically,” i.e. doing the dishes to win brownie points VS out of necessity. It’s SO hard to explain that concept in words. You have to live it to understand what I mean.

      I’m looking forward to reading your tale about maternal jealous/covert incest. Have you written it yet?

      ~ L

      Reply
  • April 7, 2017 at 5:03 am

    Wow describes me to a T. And this sets my mind to rest

    Reply
  • June 18, 2017 at 11:20 am

    Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom. This was exactly what I needed to read. The perfectionism kinda sneaks up on you, Ive noticed that it’s like a pull a force that “I have to do everything perfect or else” well or else there was verbal and physical abuse from narc mother and enabling father. My father passed away 10 years ago and I went no contact with NM 2 years ago, since it was too heartbreaking to stay, I just wouldn’t survive it either my heart would stop from all the verbal abuse and manipulation (she tried to destroy my relationship with my non narc fiancee ) or she would kill me since all my life Ive tried to get away from her and she has zero issues with taking someones life, its a miracle I survived childhood. I thank God every day that I finally got out. Just read about the post you wrote about recovery and that it also can be something we want to do perfectly. It was truly eye opening.
    Blessings and love to you
    /Karen

    Reply
 

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