Comments on
Stockholm Syndrome: Loving Our Abuser

Reading old emails exchanged with my captors makes me sick. Nauseated. Loquacious lovey-dovey’s and toe-curling coo’s drip from our email conversations. The contrast between our communication back then is in stark contrast to the barbs and silences now.

14 thoughts on “Stockholm Syndrome: Loving Our Abuser

  • March 12, 2016 at 10:01 pm

    You know Lenora, I have similar parents. They are not into helicoptering through but they gave me no privacy or space at 28. Picture this, they married even though it was interfaith. My father wasn’t even earning great when they married but when the exact same thing happened with my life, they abandoned me. My father has been arm twisting me into accepting my abusive and nearly emotionally mute mother so that we seal a deal. His worries are not about what will happen to me, rather it revolves around what will happen to his wife. And the pathetic part is that he never worried what will become of his sister who was a spinster and father who died on a regular paycheck at 94 than being cared for! After all the shit phases I tried to erase the canvas once in for all and the day I sat across that table I would never forget, he called everything I did a figment of my imagination as coldly as possible. That is one year ago and I walked out, he has made attempts to get back but I have asked him to take a hike! And this part of the world called India has stereotypes, they think that parents are always right, women are always wrong and what not have you. But all said and done, it made me stronger, I handled my panic attacks, uncertainty, boundary issues and codependency issues in one year. I am still a work in progress but everyday I am turning the clock backwards by one day by creating pleasant memories every single day since the clock was reset to zero. Thank you for sharing your experiences publicly because some people will be critical of you, ask you to get over it and never understand why you are doing what you are. However I do understand it gets us on a common ground when we read what you write and there is someone who says yeah you are right, its not a figment of your imagination but the hidden truth! Wishing you healing and love

    • March 12, 2016 at 10:15 pm

      Hi Saumya,

      Thank you so much for your comment. It’s so nice to know that I’m not alone in this type of “family” and what I observed, felt and concluded is NOT, to quote you, a figment of my imagination. I’m so glad you’re out and free now too. Onward and upward. We’ll heal together, Sister!

      ~ L

  • March 13, 2016 at 1:25 pm

    Wow! What a raw, aching, heart wrenching description of what you went through as a child and of what so many others go through every day. I am a psychologist myself and I, too, I tend to use this article with some of my patients to describe Stockholm Syndrome. Please keep writing and helping. You have a lot to give.

    • March 13, 2016 at 1:39 pm

      Thank you SO MUCH! There’ve been a lot of very nasty comments about this article over on Facebook, so your kind comment was a balm to the soul. And if helps your patients, I’m thrilled and humbled.

      There are many more articles on topics I haven’t yet addressed on this blog over on my Huffington Post blog and my personal website. Perhaps they will be beneficial to your clients too.

      Thanks again!
      ~ Lenora

  • March 17, 2016 at 11:11 am

    I so identify with what you wrote. I lived with a partner for 14 years who mentally, emotionally and financially abused me. I ended up having no friends because he disapproved of them. I was living totally for him, neglected my own needs, gave him lots of money and still he never expressed gratitude, just blamed me for anything that went wrong.

    I came out of the relationship a year and a half ago having lost everything. I am now on the long road of recovery.

    Thanks for sharing your experiences.

    • March 17, 2016 at 11:24 am

      I’m so sorry you also went through this situation, Sean!

      ~ L

  • March 20, 2016 at 5:12 pm

    I read this. All of the “bullshit” quotes are of course but I cannot get myself to believe it. I KNOW IT but having been beaten down for so many years…first by a psychotic mama and then a neglectful, narcissistic husband….and not being an idiot….I just can’t actually say “you’re right.”

    • March 20, 2016 at 7:30 pm

      I know the feeling, sister. Denial, denial, denial. It threatens to engulf me very day and I’ve been No Contact for 2.5 years. I guess that’s why I remind myself of the abuses from time-to-time…or share them with friends to get their honest reaction. And my spreadsheet with over 400+ instances of each abuse, by type and year also helps when I’m tempted to think, yet again, that it was all just a huge misunderstanding.

      Thanks for your comment!

      ~ Lenora

  • March 29, 2016 at 4:00 am

    Dear Lenora,
    I have been in a relationship with a toxic narcistic for 29 years. I am 45 years old. One day in Febuary 2016 i decided i had had enough. I got an attorney to start the process of divorce. But the situations that you talk of so many of them i can relate to: the isolation, being a prisioner in my own home, the constant caregiving. My NH is permanently disabled her was able to con his way into that one. He has or gets just about every illness known to man. In january alone he had 11 doctors appts. In which nothing was wrong with him. It would be his dream come true to actually get a fatal illness. Sorry to say but i feel thats true. I have to accompany him to all his doctor appts., we don’t ever do anything apart. We grocery shop together, i have to call him on my lunch break from work everyday and if i dont he wants to know why and who i was with that was more important than him.
    Since i got the attorney things have gotten worse but i have a good therapist and very few close friends. But i’m trying to establish no contact which is hard cuz we are still in the same house. Im learning more and more everyday and feeling stronger and more confident.
    Thank you for sharing your stories i have truly learned by reading them. At least i know im not the crazy one here.

    • March 29, 2016 at 11:40 am

      Dear JMarie,

      Thank you for sharing your story! I’m sorry to hear of your difficult situation and I hope all my articles will be of help to you.

      We mutually validate each other! Hang in there! We’re not the “crazy” ones!

      ~ L

  • March 31, 2016 at 11:03 am

    It seems we had very similar parents. It is so hard trying to explain to anyone, even therapists, why I can’t have contact with my family. It’s just impossible to really explain this level of crazy to someone who has not lived it.

    • April 1, 2016 at 10:03 am

      Indeed it is! The abuses are so unusual and so subtle, and yet extremely damaging, that it’s hard to explain to those who haven’t lived through it themselves. But those of us who have understand each other perfectly.

      Thanks for your comment!
      ~ L

  • December 27, 2016 at 11:51 am

    Amen, sister!
    And thank you so so much for being the courageous woman you are being and have also been.
    Thank you for that,it is very inspiring and appreciated to me. You are helpful and i admire you and i enjoyed reading your blog and learning what you have experienced and conquered.

    What a relief knowing that I’m not the only one who’s felt ways one could feel in the dialouges you blogged about.

    I understand as well, i can imagine how that must of felt for you. I’m glade it is all a part of your past now and has been. You can continue on being the bright, lovely, happy , woman with knowledge from experience.

    This blog is so amazing and i hope to see it grow with much love and support!!

    I am so happy you made it through the wretched part of your life and shared it publicly with the “world” it is just amazing and inspiring. Really, Great Job. 👍

    God bless!!

  • October 9, 2017 at 5:47 pm

    Thanks for writing this Lenora. It explains a relationship I had with a sibling. It felt like an “addiction”. I knew I had to get away but I just going back for more. Unless people have ever experienced such behaviour it’s hard to get your head around it. I’ve been no contact for a few years now and it’s been so much more peaceful but it’s taken a lot of courage to not go back. I have pressure from my family to “forgive and forget” but for my own sanity I won’t be doing that. All they “see” is just a couple of sisters having a bit of a “fall out”. They never want to see the cruel, conniving, malicious, controlling and manipulative behaviour of their youngest child.


Join the Conversation!

We invite you to share your thoughts and tell us what you think in this public forum. Before posting, please read our blog moderation guidelines. A first name or pseudonym is required and will be displayed with your comment. Your email address is also required, but will be kept private. (Please note that we use gravatars here, which are tied to your email address.) A website/blog/twitter address is optional.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *