2 thoughts on “Enmeshed Emotional Covert Incest: The Physical, Sexual Aspect

  • January 28, 2020 at 12:23 am

    I too was caught up in the emotional incest of both of my parents. Something that, to this day, happens on both sides of my family all the time.

    My narc mother (who started her emotional incest with me [her scapegoated eldist] after her divorce from my father) sleeps in the same bed as her, never even dated a guy in her life, sister. Both of them live with and take care of my narc, octogenarian grandfather. Both have been mistaken for his wife (who died in 2002) on multiple occasions. The trio all seemingly hate one another but are locked into a codependency that, should you question, they will all defend to the death! To this day she will call me and complain about not having had sex in years often acting as though it is my fault somehow. It never got physical with her but she still sees my body as something she can comment on and control. I’m working on boundaries but haven’t gone full no-contact because of my also enmeshed (and probable narc) sister and her two kids.

    My narc father and borderline step-mother are in prison for life due to physical incest with my younger siblings. They all claim “nothing happened” which might be technically true. I know from personal experience that they both had no problem with emotional and pseudo-physical incest. My father and step-mother often talked about their sex lives with me sometimes even touching my body (above clothes) to show an example. He also liked to give massages. To this day I cannot stand someone to touch my feet! As a teenager, not long after my parents’ divorce, I found a hole in the wall where he (and possibly my mother too, though she won’t admit it) would watch us all shower because I began locking the door (and instructing my younger sisters to do the same) for some privacy when I was about 10 or 11. His sisters all hugged a little too long, groped and commented on my chest without warning, and just generally made me uncomfortable for decades. I have been no contact with his side of the family for going on 4 years. It has done wonders for my mental health journey!

    Thank you for giving a voice to this topic! Many of us don’t know what to call it but still carry the guilt and shame of incestual abuse around with us.

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  • April 22, 2020 at 5:09 pm

    My father, for years and years (I want to say it started when I was around 13, but my memory can be a little shoddy so it may have been earlier than that), would bring up sex with me whenever possible, and, just like Meg, always when my mother wasn’t around (though she was close enough to hear it on multiple occasions, but always denies hearing anything). At the dinner table, in the car, watching TV (where he would make sure to be as vocal as possible during any sex scenes, asking me “Oh my! What is going on! What is going on here?!” while laughing his disgusting head off at my squirming in discomfort), anywhere he had me alone and could bring it up, even if I’d just walked into his office to bring him his mail. It was a daily thing. I’d ask for him to stop, say I felt uncomfortable, I was told I was “being silly.” Mom asked him to stop, she was screamed at for turning me against him. He would tell me sex jokes despite me screaming repeatedly for him to stop, and then would laugh when he’d finish. He’s even told me details about sex with my mother and his ex-wife. Those paragraphs about Meg’s experience with this were so similar I found myself rereading and rereading it in pained shock.

    Besides this he would always stand much too close to me for comfort, gave me a tap on the rear when the whole family was heading out the door (he just laughed as if he was shooing me out, but it still makes me uncomfortable), and I have a disturbing memory of him, uninvited, coming over to me and massaging my shoulders. I remember I was worked up over something and so he did this because I was “tense.” His tone, though, disturbed me at the time and it does so even more now. You just don’t use that tone with your daughter.

    I always wondered if this exposure would be classified as sexual abuse or covert incest. I’m glad I know now, so I can heal, but dang was this painful. Thank you for taking the time to interview this woman, and I hope she can heal too.

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