3 thoughts on “Keep Sweet: Women’s Burden in Cults and Relationships with Narcissists

  • June 18, 2019 at 10:47 am

    I had a different version of the keep sweet tactics. You mentioned that your father was cheated out of knowing the real you. I was silenced whenever the real me sneaked out. My narcissist parents had no desire to know the real me. They didn’t even consider there was an individual in this body. I was the scapegoat in the family dynamics. All I was required to be, is everything my mother hated about herself. I can still hear her say, “I know you like a book”. That statement always confused me until I learned what a scapegoat was. She spoke to herself when she made that statement. You see, I was never heard and was the oddball in the family because of my compassion and “sweetness”. There was no way she could know me because she refused to see me.

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  • June 18, 2019 at 12:27 pm

    Well said, Lenora! I can relate! Even the screaming part was me as well. Whenever I tried to scream, nothing but air escaped (no sound at all, not even a squeak). I never considered how I had been silenced by my toxic, adopted parents before. They never considered I might not like something. After all, if it’s something they liked, I had to like it too. No wasn’t allowed.

    Growing up in a toxic household is pretty much the same as being immersed in a religious cult. How many attempt to silence & oppress women? They’re not allowed to voice an opinion. Other than maintaining a household or bearing children, cults rarely see women as having value. What’s odd is being a child in such a world, & one who often has a loud voice is the mother. She alone can scream, rage, yell, etc. She controls everything. At home when dad isn’t present, she rules the roost with an iron fist. When he gets home, she gets all demure & mouselike, unless said child makes a mistake. Then there’s not only screaming by the mother, but the father too.

    Just my observations from my personal experiences. 🤷

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  • June 19, 2019 at 11:50 am

    Yeah….it sure is very important to beware the “sweet”. A valuable lesson.

    I don’t think that it’s hyperbole to state that hostages of Cluster B’s are almost always required to ” be sweet”. Even if they don’t verbalize it in so many words. You usually don’t hear battered women and children mouthing off to their abusers. As a child, I learned that my mother especially enjoyed a cowering tone of voice to accompany the requisite sweetness. .

    Also, as Vicky pointed out…..no-matter how “sweet” you are ….it doesn’t really matter. When they are projecting all their toxic crap onto you they can’t see the real you at all. All they can discern is the projection. In a strange way, the more “sweet” and non-reactive you are, the more negative projections they offload onto you and the more self- righteous and indignant they become . It’s mindfuckery on an a whole other level. The Crucifixion of the Lord Jesus was the ultimate archetype for the projection of evil onto the embodiment of innocence. If they thought badly enough of he who is sinless to crucify him….you can only imagine the vitriol that evil has for those of us who are mere mortals and inherently flawed.

    Unfortunately the “sweet” we leaned as children in order to survive will ensure a feeding opportunity for all cluster B’s in our adulthood until we become conscious of the conditioning. I was very sweet to a LOT of people who took advantage of it most of my adult life until I finally woke up.

    “Give not that which is holy unto the dogs, neither cast ye your pearls before swine” (Matthew 7:6)

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