14 thoughts on “The Narcissist’s Poor Golden Child: What Price Glory? (Pt 2)

  • January 7, 2019 at 2:32 pm

    To draw a Scientology analogy: Who would you rather be, Leah Remini or Tom Cruise? I know which answer I’d pick, hands down.

    I was a mix of both growing up, but I’ve been in both roles full-time later in life, and I agree that both are horrible (and difficult to see or understand while you’re in them). Being scapegoated is more scarring in the long run, but being glorified is often more incapacitating because it’s harder to view it as a source of harm.

    In thinking about it, it seems like both of these roles turn on the same two deceptions–that the way you’re being treated is (a) good for you, and (b) deserved by you. But when looking at each role, it seems like it’s easier to fall into one of those errors than the other. People often think scapegoats deserve their bad treatment, even if they also feel sorry for them (i.e., they may not think it’s good, but they do think it’s fair). Whereas it may be easier to see that a golden child’s favorable treatment isn’t fair or deserved, but harder to see that it’s also *harmful for the GC.* So in neither case is the full picture really being seen–including, of course, when you’re looking at your own role. Especially while you’re still in it.

    So for me the main takeaway is not to be fooled on either count. No, it’s not “good for us” to be treated this way (whether as scapegoats or golden children). And no, we don’t “deserve” the treatment itself, good or bad, and its damaging long-term consequences. Those are the lies that make the whole thing go. If we can reject them, maybe we won’t have to play these stupid head games any more.

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    • April 5, 2019 at 12:41 pm

      Me too golden child from covert narc mom, now staying no contact! Unbelievable, I’d googled what’s a narc in November and voilà. Sis and bro are overt and I’d just viewed them all as ‘loosers’ but know better now. It all makes sense. I’d figured out they medicate themselves by torturing me. None went to my wedding, I’d had enough of putting my face there so it would get kicked.
      I learn yesterday that ‘mobing’ someone is fun. I’m just a dull boring normal off to the Canary Islands soon. My son’s in medical school and my daughter’s going for her master’s degree in biology. They both work 5 to 7 days a week also. No they don’t pay rent nor for schooling. They are both at the ‘running with their heads off age’.

      Only those who’ve suffered like us know what it is. I saw mom twice in last 15 yrs, more than that for siblings as one is coke head and other does know the difference between bopping his wife or mother-in-law.

      My dad just became a dead beat dad, left his business, it was easier than dealing with my mom. What a mess. Thank goodness I’ve kept them all away from my kids. So many people come from sphycotic homes why not us too! Thank you for your insight! If not for God and nature I’d of been lost along the way.

      Reply
  • January 9, 2019 at 8:09 am

    My sister has never acted in a loving way towards me my whole life. When she kept telling at me I finally told her we were no longer talking and she needed help. I do feel sorry for that she is so one dimensional in her thinking.

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  • January 9, 2019 at 11:34 am

    Sorry Lenora, I cannot agree with you on this one.

    Yes, I can see both points of view but ultimately, and speaking from my own experience of being on the receiving end of systematic abuse from my very much favoured sister, she was and still is, one very nasty, self serving, deceitful, duplicitous, vindictive, pathological liar who has caused so much turmoil in her own life and that of others and hurt her own children, grandchildren and her husband because nothing is ever good enough for her. She is the most jealous and ungrateful person that I have known in my life. I’ve met a few nasties too! She lacks empathy and compassion, but has a well of it for herself and soaks it up even if she has the smallest of ache.

    In fact, just yesterday I sat down and wrote an email to her challenging her on her lies concerning me. Whilst she was very much mum and dad’s favoured child and I was the scapegoat, I was abused terribly by my dad from early childhood. She was ofter present to witness some of the horrible beatings that he dished out on me, and I have a clear memory of seeing her stand and gloat on one occasion. The latest in her very long trail of lies is that she is telling family and her friends that the abuse never happened. Six months ago I challenged how she was then treating her very sick husband. I and other members of the family saw just how very cruel she could be. So, I know that the lies she is spreading is an act of vindictiveness on her part because I spoke up at a time when I felt it was absolutely necessary.

    Between my sister and dad, I suffered throughout my childhood and far beyond into adulthood.
    The emotional and psycological affects resulted on PTSD which I’ve lived with for a very long time. Of course, she denies that PTSD even exists and that dad didn’t lay a finger on me.

    So, rather than having a face to face confrontation with her, which will almost certainly happen because she is incapable of accepting responsibility, rather, she will become angry and control the conversation to fit what she wants and deny what’s she’s doing, when I finish the email to her I intend to mail it to those members in the family whom she has lied to. In it I outline the horrors of dad’s abuse of me. In doing this I am letting the family know exactly what I lived through and she will be outed for her lies. Hopefully they will make their own minds up… even if it matters at all. However, it matters a great deal to me because she is making me out to be a liar and at the same to invalidate all the pain, stress and traumas that I’ve lived with from childhood.

    Lenora, I’m sorry if I’ve gone off on a tangent but, seriously, I cannot feel any compassion for the person who helped to make my childhood a living hell. She is only ever happy when she has upset others and then she feels pleasure for doing so. I think she is a full blown narcissist whom, has left a trail of turmoil and pain behind her but she cares not one bit.

    Thank you for your post!

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    • January 12, 2019 at 5:33 pm

      Sylvia, YIKES!!! One tastes the searing pains!

      OK, maybe Lenora permits this to stand . . Your response indicates the calendar was changed quite a few times before today, so, mine too, maybe a little of my experience can share a gentle, healing-salve hug.

      Our nature near always leads to some part of the narcissistic continuum, from almost benign to all out Hell on steroids. This self-promoting disaster, really a duplicity of good and evil duking it out inside, at our expense, demands us be self-protecting. Protecting self gets me into the very same quagmire as all, and I regret it, yet I am also glad that knowing I am falsely accosted places me in the prevailing good position.

      It’s the retaliation I do that is destroying me more than the wrongful attacks on my character, or whatever they are aimed at that relates to me. My choice to launch counter attacks is the damnedest damage to me possible!

      IF I am strong, and just mind my own business, just like President Trump does as he literally trumps over all his detractors – he’s one of this worlds most fearsome, ultra-prevailing negotiators! _Gotta Adore this guy!!:-), nobody, I MEAN, NOBODY!! can touch me!!

      However, I fall prey to doing opposite Prez Trump, in that he forms a false response while he has already amassed far more real-time convincing facts that blow up his detractors, and everyone of them lives to regret their underestimating his unwavering stand upon truth.

      Truth, especially regarding our evil-minded core, gives us the vital weapons to destroy our worst enemy, our self-pride. As its bloody corpse falls to the Hell it attacks us out of, this self-truth engulfs our “Knower” with that assurance far stronger and overwhelming all those whose unconquered self-pride riles them up against us with so deep, dark Deceptions that destroy them, NEVER us, that all we need is to just stand firm upon the Truth, Who sets us free . . .

      So, may it be a little bit helpful to you as you see responding in self-pride to defend yourself from lying attacks on your character really just empowers the liar to gain the upper hand, just because guilty individuals always demand they are honest . . .

      Let lies and liars demand and shout and roar and cause mayhem – NOT real physical damage, of course, simply because they will do as every roaring lyon, get tired of all that ranting over unresponsive prey, lay down, and likely go to sleep from the exhaustion of being such idiots!!! . . . .

      Yeah, damned if this un-response is so hard to actually do! In my present case, the lyon demands my full acceptance of her opposition, even as everything I EVER say she instantly interrupts within 5 words from my mouth to demand what she assumes I am about to say is completely NOT anything close to what I am thinking to share!!! . . .

      It’s so hard to break off every bit of what to me was at first the most awesome loving companionship I’d ever dared imagine. It is, in all reality, the very worst, EVER . . .

      Please, if possible, let your inner Being, your “Knower,” guide your emotions so that you know you’re experience was NEVER as what sis, or dad, or anyone who first blames and then demands you admit guilt that is like faked “news,” they falsely demand is fact. It is NOT fact, even if part of their claim contains fact, because they are assassinating your character, AND, YOU . . .

      In old Westerns, this very same crap was displayed as the Lynch Mob. The posse of not captives, just hanging and murdered dead people, exactly like the victims of unlawful entry foreigners by millions invading America, and the lawmakers whose duty is to assure our safety instead assuring safety to known murderers and lethal drug and child sex traffickers.

      YIKES!!

      Take heart!

      Be You!!!

      Be R-I-G-H-T . . .

      ClaudeA

      Reply
  • January 14, 2019 at 5:25 pm

    I’m the chosen one so mom paid my rent for a year as she sold our home and re-married. I was 17, thank goodness I got away. I eloped, I’ve not seen mom for over 2 yrs., she lives in another province. I have faired better than my older siblings, as have my children but I must now go no contact as the flying monkeys invade my head, ride my brain in the wee hours, too much too often. Mom didn’t get to manipulate me as I found her thinking outdated. Torture me she does! Disrespect me she does! Geez you’d think I was a chain gang escape instead of a college grad who paid her student loan. She came for Xmas yrs back and seeing that she wasn’t the center of attention she insulted my home to the point of never returning. Thank you, all your articles have more than just turned on a light bulb but have lite up thousands of fireworks and flares!

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  • January 15, 2019 at 11:55 pm

    The problem for the scapegoat is that over one half of golden children become bullies and narcissists. The sibling abuse goes unchecked because Mom (or Dad) has decided that the Golden Child can do no wrong. The sibling can be quite a bit more dangerous than the parents. Most forums on narc abuse are full of stories of golden children who are threatening, bullying, arrogant, domineering, lying and even dangerous. The greater majority are rewarded for bullying the scapegoat too.
    So the scarring is going to be x 2 for the scapegoat, at the very least. It’s often more because abuse becomes normalized within the wider family, and those family members can decide to go against the scapegoat too. Scapegoats really have no choice other than to let the family go. The PTSD and anxiety about being abused again is not manageable under the family cult, and they feel much better being outside of it, especially if they seek the help they need (domestic violence therapy, trauma therapy, groups, workshops, etc). No one would ever sign up for a scapegoat role if they were given a choice: golden or scapegoat.
    Which brings up the issue: is the golden worse off than the scapegoat? If you talk to recovered scapegoats who have left their families and haven’t seen them for years, they wouldn’t trade places with the golden. So many of the bad goldens are addicts, liars, wife beaters, child abusers, prejudiced, in jobs we would never want, insufferably haughty to the point of not being respected — nothing to envy there. The good goldens are enslaved to the head narcissist, many to the point of having to live with the narcissist 24/7, and yes, all of them endure the narc chipping away at their careers, interests, self esteem, dreams, “other relationships” (including the spousal relationship — or many are unmarried), everything has to be sacrificed — nothing to envy there either. I would even say that once the scapegoat is out of the picture for good, things don’t work out as well as they once did for the golden.
    Also, scapegoats cease to respect their narcissistic parent (many of them are actually embarrassed by that parent, judging from scapegoat forums). That kind of emotional distance is something the golden doesn’t have; they are still defined on steroids by a parent who feels no empathy.
    Granted scapegoats have to work very, very hard to get themselves on their feet financially, and emotionally, but once they do, they are a lot more free than a golden child will ever be. For a scapegoat, it is better to get free early, work 100 percent on becoming financially and emotionally independent, and say no to getting hoovered back in again.

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  • January 16, 2019 at 9:24 am

    To LISE….

    Thank you so very much for your well balanced viewpoint, and what I think is a very accurate critique of both the Golden child and the Scapegoat. Your article is one of the best ones that I have read on the subject to date. In it you have described my nasty, narcissistic sister to a T, and also, as the Scapegoat I can fully relate to your comments.

    You are very correct when you say that the earlier the Scapegoat leaves the better. I left home at age 18 and was able to support myself through sheer hard work and determination. My dad who was an alcoholic used me as his punch bag and my sister did the same to me, too. Her overdeveloped sense of specialness and entitlement was and still is unbearable. She has caused chaos and misery throughout her whole life to others. You are so right about the bullying and my parents’ non plussed reaction. I was subjected to her nasty bullying all the way throughout my childhood, and our parents did nothing rather, I would get the blame for her wrong doings. Consequently, I’ve grown up with a very strong sense of justice and fairness and I’ll always fight for the underdog because, I know what it’s like to be in that place.

    After reading your article it has enabled me to look at things somewhat differently, in as much as, I would never want to be my sister in a million years. Though, no one would choose to be born into such a toxic environment, or want to be the Scapegoat or, I imagine the Golden Girl. The way you have presented the topic has opened my eyes an it makes a lot more sense now.

    I thank you for that. Blessings, Sylvia

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  • February 20, 2019 at 6:40 am

    I m was the golden child. Now I live in the street.
    My Brother chilled himself 7 years ago
    I only have one question: why to me/us?

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  • March 24, 2019 at 7:20 am

    Enjoyed your blog. Just walked away from a golden child who became a narcissist as a result of his role in the family. I feel sorry for him.
    Npd is deep rooted since he was a teenager.
    He is 69 and thinks the world evolves around him.
    He is a liar, womanizer and manipulater as a result of being the golden child.

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  • April 2, 2019 at 9:50 pm

    Love this! Ive written an article from the golden child perspective. Yours is excellent!

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  • May 11, 2019 at 10:03 pm

    Great article. It may help to save my marriage.

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  • June 17, 2019 at 2:09 pm

    It is dangerous for the scapegoat to have empathy for the Golden Child sibling. They already have TOO MUCH empathy for them, which has kept them in the low position, not daring to attempt to succeed for fear of triggering the GC’s sense of entitlement and jealousy which would lead to further abuse. Even when the scapegoat leaves the family, they still self-sabotage their own success because this dysfunctional dynamic has been internalized. So, I disagree that the scapegoat needs to have more empathy for the GC. Instead, the scapegoat needs to access their righteous anger, and kick the GC to the curb once and for all, then walk away calmly, and NEVER look back!

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  • July 18, 2019 at 10:15 am

    How can I help my niece? The scapegoat got away, but the GC is still a minor. She still has empathy and compassion and is a sensitive young lady, all except for how she treats her sister, which was taught to her by her dad. I see the blame shifts and toxic shame projections, etc, but I don’t know what to do about it. Everything I come across is how to help the scapegoat. She’s doing great now. How can I get the GC out of this before it’s too late and these children can never be just sisters?

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