13 thoughts on “Pity the Narcissist’s Poor Golden Child? (Pt 1)

  • January 6, 2019 at 6:46 pm

    Love that you are sharing this awareness. So sad but so true.

    Reply
  • January 10, 2019 at 7:14 am

    Yes in some ways.
    After my divorce from the narcissist
    My first son became the scapegoat with me
    And my second died by suicide as the golden
    I don’t blame anyone. I just recognize the mix

    Reply
  • January 10, 2019 at 8:35 am

    Sorry. Absolutely no sympathy for the Golden Child from me. There are far more advantages for the GC and most of them have no problems being just as nasty to the scapegoated child as the narcissistic parents. Advantages mean more opportunities for them to develop understanding and empathy as adults- opportunities they’re happy to ignore in favor emotional self gratification. No sympathy from me at all.

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  • January 10, 2019 at 8:31 pm

    Interesting article. I was more sort of GC than SG but due to me, thank goodness, having empathy, did not harm. I only recently lost fear of my mother, after decades. but maintain a certain vigilance. This was hypervigilance when I was around her a couple of years ago after a mild, eggshelly, confrontation about ‘truths and taking responsibilty’. My younger sister was very much and often called behind her back -the black sheep’. You are right about the subtle abuse. Very confusing when mixed with lovebombing. I wish I understood the dynamics growing up as I could have helped my sister more in mirroring esteem and anything good she did aka play a proper mother to her. I did not understand what was going on. I believed my parents when they would say there was something wrong with her. They knew everything after all. But despite what they said, I never repeated it to my sister. I played more an observer. Some things they said I did not see in my sister and silently disagreed. We had our ‘that’s not fair’ sibling fights and she even occasionally indulged in pretending I did something she did, to which I would get quite a welling up of moral feeling about that. That she could even think to do that.

    I luckily had a real drive to push on and go to university and plan to buy a house. Later my parents would try and guilt trip saying they paid for my university education, but I paid any fees out of my own meagre pocket and taxpayers paid 99% of it. My mother would buy little nice things for me and we would go out to cafes for coffee, but I always envied other kids who always seemed to get much better, more expensive presents than us. I thought we must be quite poor and they must be better off, but one of them was a single Mum and indulged her son like a normal parent. It was always a big event if my mother bought something really nice for herself. I didn’t realise she was selfish and only indulged herself with anything expensive. Mostly we lived fairly modestly Middle class, despite my father’s job, which should have meant more money spent.

    My sister would have fights with my mother and was told to leave home and came back much later. Because of my studies, I got more than one degree, I was happy to stay home and be fed. I was encouraged to do so. I still saved to leave. During my childhood, my father sexually abused me and confided all his marriage problems in me. I felt I had to help fix them. He always tried to show how he was smarter than me and put us both (sisters) down when we came to him to help with homework. He made us feel bad about ourselves and only recently did I not feel less smart than other people, despite my degrees! I would go to him and complain about my mother being mean. Despite saying he would talk to her, nothing changed. He played nasty games like towel flicking, things that hurt. As a young adult, my mother, who had been quite aloof during childhood, suddenly became my best friend. I didn’t understand this was love bombing. She covertly abused with a filthy look or say I embarrassed her somewhere when out of sight. I was just stating my own opinions, but she shamed me if they were different from hers.

    I recently went no contact after trouble my parents caused around my partner and child. I have read extensively on BPD, cerebral narcs, C-PTSD, projection etc and seen a psychologist. It all makes fascinating, terrible sense. I wish I had had that info a couple of decades ago. My partner, the ‘evil’ one, according to my mother, also had a BPD mother who hit him with wire coathangers, wooden spoons from a young age. He is a great support. We talk for hours and make jokes about the crazy things we were accused of. We validate our child for the things she started to see and feel fear from by both sets of grandparents. Interestingly, she made her own decision she didn’t want to see them without any prompting and has sought healthy substitute people. We wouldn’t have let her anyway, but she saw us create boundaries and followed. The psychologist says we are doing the right thing and she doesn’t need to see someone herself.

    We have unexpectedly seen my sister slip from what we think is traits of down to the malignant end of the BPD spectrum over the past couple of years. I am dismayed by that. She accused me of being in a family cult led by my ‘evil’ partner and believes everything my now psychotic mother tells her. She doesn’t realise the reverse is true. I think me having a partner stressed my mother out so much, she became really paranoid. She smear campaigns now. We are struggling to give our own lives a go, currently in poverty, but I did build my own house, yes, with my own hands. We have that. We are strong and will be right once we get jobs, but will lack superannuation and have lost decades of proper income. I have reconnected with old school friends and am making new ones.

    I realised something proudly recently one day on remembering mulling over whether I was ‘too bossy’ in my room as a teenager after my parents had a go at me. Despite feeling bad at the time, I had been displaying the treasured gift my parents were completely lacking; self reflection.

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  • January 11, 2019 at 1:27 am

    I know there is no God as the average religion describes it because I come from one of these families. The heartache the pain it’s indescribable at times. No child and I mean no child deserves this. The subconcious bullsh*t the things that you do that are hidden from your concious mind that keep leading you to failure over and over again. No all loving God would ever allow those they love to suffer this damn much.

    The thoughts of suicide the wrestling with intense shame the social awkwardness the anxiety the fear … its awful! Im sorry there couldnt possibly be the type of God they describe unless it was a chronic abuser.

    Then to top it all off having those who were loved even somewhat functionally looking down on you when you’re being honest about your feelings (like I’ve been here).

    No, only a Devil would allow such things to happen to an innocent child in turn completely ruining or nearly ruining their adulthood.

    P.S. we also can’t forget the awful therapists who don’t know what they’re doing when you’re desperately seeking help. When you’re hurting so bad words cannot describe the emotional pain. You try so hard to get help only to find some fly by night assh*le with an overly educated ego (but very little empathy) pretending to try and help you. If anything there is a demonic aspect to all of this. God? I think not.

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    • February 27, 2019 at 3:33 am

      Yes “Virginia” there is a God.
      Just because we endure horrible things in our lives (my own story is one my psychologist has repeatedly encouraged me to write as a book) is in NO way “proof” there is no such thing as a God. Why? A little thing called “free will”. Unfortunately, the abusers in our lives have exercised their free wills in making other’s lives a living hell on earth. Those are their actions not the inaction of a “imaginary” God.
      There are plenty of documented stories of miracles, things that could not have possibly come about but for Divine Intervention, that more than adequately prove there is a God for anyone who is “honest” about looking objectively at the facts.
      Btw, on top of having physically suffered abuse growing up, being raped on two different occasions as a teen, I’m also a Mom who lost her only biological child two months from his third birthday in a stupid, senseless home accident. But I don’t go around cursing God for failing to prevent it or all the other bad things that have happened to me because there are plenty of good things I can see his fingerprints all over.
      “Be still, sad heart! and cease repining;
      Behind the clouds is the sun still shining;
      Thy fate is the common fate of all,
      Into each life some rain must fall,
      Some days must be dark and dreary.”
      (excerpt of The Rainy Day by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow 1807-1882)

      Reply
  • January 11, 2019 at 6:51 am

    Wow scary. I have often worried about the impact for my son, the power and control that his narcissistic father has over him. I try to keep the peace, and balance it by being a non-controlling mother, but I worry that I am not doing enough to counter the effects, but I don’t know what to do. So very difficult and complicated isn’t it. Thanks for the article

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  • January 12, 2019 at 1:00 am

    Mmm. Yes. I can see how this would make you a target. But then, you were an only child and were not attacked and betrayed by your siblings. Everyone in my family saw the golden child as the goddess. She acted as a co-conspirator as we bemoaned how awful our parents were, and she even shed some tears working us up to feel very very sad for her. However, she escaped as soon as she could and never came home again leaving my little brother and myself who were much younger than her to be the sole victims. My little brother was a secondary golden child because he was the only boy, and I got the role of both scapegoat and general dogsbody. We worshipped my sister for decades until I woke up to who my mother and sisters were and realised that no amount of interest, compassion, enjoyment and concern for another human being will change that person into a caring loving sister. I am glad you escaped and you obviously are a caring compassionate person as far as I can tell, but honestly, you have never experienced sibling abuse. Its horrible and makes the parental abuse worse. I think you can ask us to have sympathy for you, but we can’t have sympathy for our abusers. And its not really right for you to ask us to. Sorry.

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    • January 29, 2019 at 12:35 am

      Ella.
      I agree with you completly. I tried to express similar views, but for some reason my comments haven’t made it past moderation in the past. My role is very simiar to yours in a multi sibling family. I think both my parents are narcissistic as well as the two golden children. No contact with the whole family has been my answer to find my peace.

      Reply
  • February 21, 2019 at 7:44 pm

    It seems a bit simple to me. Is there like a middle tier Golden child or just the good and bad?

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  • February 28, 2019 at 4:21 pm

    I think my siblings and I were each told we were the GC as a special secret just between us, each of us were told the perceived ‘failings and faults’ of the others. So we were essentially split the three personal ways. Each believing we were somehow special and it was reinforced by the slandering of the others when they were absent.
    However, I have come to the awareness that the slander is in the eyes of the beholder (ie the parent/enabler).
    As siblings, we do not know each other. We are in our early 50s and this topic is taboo.
    Holding our parents to account feels like dishing out what they’ve done to us.
    As the oldest, I escaped…. Into a CULT!! Isn’t that funny hahaa (escaped in 2001 after 11 yrs)

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  • July 16, 2019 at 12:43 pm

    I’m sitting here reading the comments and thinking WOW….My husband was/is the SG and the other siblings are the GC(s). My husband has had it rough but when we look at the GC(s) we see that his parents did not do them any favors by making them the GC(s). One son is a doctor and is very unhappy with life, can no longer see his 2 young children and is on marriage 3 (he is the special GC). He was the one that really wanted to please the parents. One son died several years ago from drugs. Another son lost his PA licenses for messing with little girls and then there is his sister who took her father for everything while managing his office (their father was a doctor). They put all the children through school except for my husband and now that their father has passed the money has stopped. It’s like they don’t know how to function in life. It’s like they are empty shells and don’t know how to move forward. Because my husband was the SG he was less affected by is father passing and the money. Life is still difficult for him but he’s not the GC that cannot function in life.

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  • July 30, 2019 at 11:24 pm

    The only difference between me (the GC) and my brother (the Scapegoat) was that he could say no to abuse and i couldn’t. I envied his ability to stand up to it, and hunkered down waiting for my day to come. It never did and now I’m nearly 40 and have finally broken away. But he broke away 20 years ago. I don’t even know who I am, what I like or what I deserve. I am no one.

    Reply
 

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