7 thoughts on “Pity the Narcissist’s Poor Golden Child? (Pt 1)

  • January 6, 2019 at 6:46 pm

    Love that you are sharing this awareness. So sad but so true.

    Reply
  • January 10, 2019 at 7:14 am

    Yes in some ways.
    After my divorce from the narcissist
    My first son became the scapegoat with me
    And my second died by suicide as the golden
    I don’t blame anyone. I just recognize the mix

    Reply
  • January 10, 2019 at 8:35 am

    Sorry. Absolutely no sympathy for the Golden Child from me. There are far more advantages for the GC and most of them have no problems being just as nasty to the scapegoated child as the narcissistic parents. Advantages mean more opportunities for them to develop understanding and empathy as adults- opportunities they’re happy to ignore in favor emotional self gratification. No sympathy from me at all.

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  • January 10, 2019 at 8:31 pm

    Interesting article. I was more sort of GC than SG but due to me, thank goodness, having empathy, did not harm. I only recently lost fear of my mother, after decades. but maintain a certain vigilance. This was hypervigilance when I was around her a couple of years ago after a mild, eggshelly, confrontation about ‘truths and taking responsibilty’. My younger sister was very much and often called behind her back -the black sheep’. You are right about the subtle abuse. Very confusing when mixed with lovebombing. I wish I understood the dynamics growing up as I could have helped my sister more in mirroring esteem and anything good she did aka play a proper mother to her. I did not understand what was going on. I believed my parents when they would say there was something wrong with her. They knew everything after all. But despite what they said, I never repeated it to my sister. I played more an observer. Some things they said I did not see in my sister and silently disagreed. We had our ‘that’s not fair’ sibling fights and she even occasionally indulged in pretending I did something she did, to which I would get quite a welling up of moral feeling about that. That she could even think to do that.

    I luckily had a real drive to push on and go to university and plan to buy a house. Later my parents would try and guilt trip saying they paid for my university education, but I paid any fees out of my own meagre pocket and taxpayers paid 99% of it. My mother would buy little nice things for me and we would go out to cafes for coffee, but I always envied other kids who always seemed to get much better, more expensive presents than us. I thought we must be quite poor and they must be better off, but one of them was a single Mum and indulged her son like a normal parent. It was always a big event if my mother bought something really nice for herself. I didn’t realise she was selfish and only indulged herself with anything expensive. Mostly we lived fairly modestly Middle class, despite my father’s job, which should have meant more money spent.

    My sister would have fights with my mother and was told to leave home and came back much later. Because of my studies, I got more than one degree, I was happy to stay home and be fed. I was encouraged to do so. I still saved to leave. During my childhood, my father sexually abused me and confided all his marriage problems in me. I felt I had to help fix them. He always tried to show how he was smarter than me and put us both (sisters) down when we came to him to help with homework. He made us feel bad about ourselves and only recently did I not feel less smart than other people, despite my degrees! I would go to him and complain about my mother being mean. Despite saying he would talk to her, nothing changed. He played nasty games like towel flicking, things that hurt. As a young adult, my mother, who had been quite aloof during childhood, suddenly became my best friend. I didn’t understand this was love bombing. She covertly abused with a filthy look or say I embarrassed her somewhere when out of sight. I was just stating my own opinions, but she shamed me if they were different from hers.

    I recently went no contact after trouble my parents caused around my partner and child. I have read extensively on BPD, cerebral narcs, C-PTSD, projection etc and seen a psychologist. It all makes fascinating, terrible sense. I wish I had had that info a couple of decades ago. My partner, the ‘evil’ one, according to my mother, also had a BPD mother who hit him with wire coathangers, wooden spoons from a young age. He is a great support. We talk for hours and make jokes about the crazy things we were accused of. We validate our child for the things she started to see and feel fear from by both sets of grandparents. Interestingly, she made her own decision she didn’t want to see them without any prompting and has sought healthy substitute people. We wouldn’t have let her anyway, but she saw us create boundaries and followed. The psychologist says we are doing the right thing and she doesn’t need to see someone herself.

    We have unexpectedly seen my sister slip from what we think is traits of down to the malignant end of the BPD spectrum over the past couple of years. I am dismayed by that. She accused me of being in a family cult led by my ‘evil’ partner and believes everything my now psychotic mother tells her. She doesn’t realise the reverse is true. I think me having a partner stressed my mother out so much, she became really paranoid. She smear campaigns now. We are struggling to give our own lives a go, currently in poverty, but I did build my own house, yes, with my own hands. We have that. We are strong and will be right once we get jobs, but will lack superannuation and have lost decades of proper income. I have reconnected with old school friends and am making new ones.

    I realised something proudly recently one day on remembering mulling over whether I was ‘too bossy’ in my room as a teenager after my parents had a go at me. Despite feeling bad at the time, I had been displaying the treasured gift my parents were completely lacking; self reflection.

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  • January 11, 2019 at 1:27 am

    I know there is no God as the average religion describes it because I come from one of these families. The heartache the pain it’s indescribable at times. No child and I mean no child deserves this. The subconcious bullsh*t the things that you do that are hidden from your concious mind that keep leading you to failure over and over again. No all loving God would ever allow those they love to suffer this damn much.

    The thoughts of suicide the wrestling with intense shame the social awkwardness the anxiety the fear … its awful! Im sorry there couldnt possibly be the type of God they describe unless it was a chronic abuser.

    Then to top it all off having those who were loved even somewhat functionally looking down on you when you’re being honest about your feelings (like I’ve been here).

    No, only a Devil would allow such things to happen to an innocent child in turn completely ruining or nearly ruining their adulthood.

    P.S. we also can’t forget the awful therapists who don’t know what they’re doing when you’re desperately seeking help. When you’re hurting so bad words cannot describe the emotional pain. You try so hard to get help only to find some fly by night assh*le with an overly educated ego (but very little empathy) pretending to try and help you. If anything there is a demonic aspect to all of this. God? I think not.

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  • January 11, 2019 at 6:51 am

    Wow scary. I have often worried about the impact for my son, the power and control that his narcissistic father has over him. I try to keep the peace, and balance it by being a non-controlling mother, but I worry that I am not doing enough to counter the effects, but I don’t know what to do. So very difficult and complicated isn’t it. Thanks for the article

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  • January 12, 2019 at 1:00 am

    Mmm. Yes. I can see how this would make you a target. But then, you were an only child and were not attacked and betrayed by your siblings. Everyone in my family saw the golden child as the goddess. She acted as a co-conspirator as we bemoaned how awful our parents were, and she even shed some tears working us up to feel very very sad for her. However, she escaped as soon as she could and never came home again leaving my little brother and myself who were much younger than her to be the sole victims. My little brother was a secondary golden child because he was the only boy, and I got the role of both scapegoat and general dogsbody. We worshipped my sister for decades until I woke up to who my mother and sisters were and realised that no amount of interest, compassion, enjoyment and concern for another human being will change that person into a caring loving sister. I am glad you escaped and you obviously are a caring compassionate person as far as I can tell, but honestly, you have never experienced sibling abuse. Its horrible and makes the parental abuse worse. I think you can ask us to have sympathy for you, but we can’t have sympathy for our abusers. And its not really right for you to ask us to. Sorry.

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