6 thoughts on “Codependence, Decision Making and the Perpetual Rescuee

  • April 16, 2018 at 7:08 am

    I love your post. The image of you being so excited about hanging up a painting did not strike me as pathetic, far from it. It struck me as a glorious moment of freedom.

    It reminds me of a bus ticket.

    Have you seen the movie Shawshank Redemption? Morgan Freeman is Red, a man sentenced to life in prison after a murder.

    He gets to know a new prisoner, Andy Dufresne, and they become friends. Real friends.

    I will not tell you the details, but Andy Dufresne eventually ends up in Mexico.

    Years later, Red gets released after decades of imprisonment.

    He may no longer imprisoned, but neither is he free. He is released under parole. More profoundly, he is still imprisoned in his soul, trapped in his own habits, expectations and beliefs after a lifetime of prison rules, prison messages and forced conformation.

    Then he makes the bold and scary choice to violate his parole so he can travel to Mexico to see his friend Andy.

    He buys a bus ticket. A simple bus ticket. And for the first time he is truly a free man:

    “I find I’m so excited that I can barely sit still or hold a thought in my head. I think it’s the excitement only a free man can feel. A free man at a start of a long journey whose conclusion is uncertain. I hope I can make it across the border. I hope to see my friend and shake his hand. I hope the Pacific is as blue as it has been in my dreams. I hope.”

    Thank you for your post. And a warm hug.

    Harmen

    Reply
    • April 16, 2018 at 8:24 am

      Very well said!

      Reply
    • April 28, 2018 at 8:17 am

      HarmenB,

      What a beautiful reply! Thank you!

      It reminded me of that moment that I felt a strange sense of freedom like I’d never felt before. Within six months, I divorced my abusive narc husband and my narc mommy-dearest died. Instead of grief, I felt relief! I was 40 years old at the time. I thought they might have tried to control and ruin the first 40 years of my life, but, by God, they weren’t going to ruin the next 40 years! What an exciting adventure it’s been! I want the song, “I Did It My Way”, played at my memorial service! Lol!

      Reply
  • April 16, 2018 at 8:35 am

    I think this is an important thing to remember concerning the issue of breaking No Contact. When we have whacked up the courage to walk away and set that big a boundary only to go back, it gets taken by the Narcs as evidence that our original decision to skedaddle was flawed, insane, wrong…insert your adjective of choice.

    That sets us up from some intense self-doubt as the love bombs fall heavy around us disorienting us further. And when it all blows up inbtime, as it inevitably will, we are left with even more self-wreckage than we would have had if we had only stayed No Contact.

    We have simply got to remember that love bombs are still BOMBS, and bombs are designed to destroy whatever they impact.

    Reply
    • April 29, 2018 at 8:44 am

      Anya,

      So true!!

      Going back to them just feeds that [email protected] ego of theirs! They “hoover” you (as in the vacuum cleaner) and it’s all “lather, rinse, repeat”. The cycle of abuse starts all over again. Plus, you bruised that [email protected] ego of theirs by leaving them, so their love bombs become nuclear. They will get revenge on you, you can bet your last dollar on that. Once you extricate yourself from these wastes of protoplasm, run like your hair is on fire and don’t look back!!

      Reply
      • May 1, 2018 at 8:29 am

        Flushed,

        Yep! Bruising little Narky egos is a dangerous business!

        A friend of mine who finally ditched her narc husband saif the domestic abuse folks said it is common for people to go back to their abusers seven times on average. That horrified me because of how the abuse tends to increase with every return, but in truth, most of us give chance after chance even before we leave the first time.

        To anyone who has gone back even multiple times and is reading this, know that this does not mean you are bad or weak — it just means you desperately wanted to love someone whose behavior made them unworthy of your love.

        Reply
 

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