15 thoughts on “Stop talking about the past and “take responsibility”? What Bull$h*t!

  • February 24, 2018 at 9:17 am

    I was attending an alternative medicine school while at the same time being psychologically kept captive by a malignant narcissist who had/has a nationwide criminal record.
    My instructor called me into her office and said “At least I take responsibility for my life!” She was equating my horrible situation with a time when her landlord threw her luggage out on the street. No comparison! Also, she knew absolutely zero about my situation.
    I got upset by what she said. She’s a “spiritual” yogi, and she didn’t like my “negative energy” because I dared to slightly raise my voice (not yelling). She sent me into her bosses office, the owner of the school. He then asked me “Are you having sex with the psychopath?”
    That’s the amount of concern they had for me as a human being. Not one comment ever about my well being.
    I made a complaint to the state, and found out, it was a state law that they should have reported my situation to a social worker…although nothing happened because of that.
    I dropped out of the school. They were harming me mentally more than the abusive situation I was in.
    A few years later, I received an email from one of the students. She said “Oh, you’re STILL upset about all that!!” Then she wrote about two pages of spiritual quotes explaining why there is no such thing as “evil”…it’s just maya…an illusion. Once again, not one apology, not one ounce of concern for me, nor a bit of compassion for me.
    Her friend was a ring leader of a group of students who met together in a library to bad mouth me. Once again, no concern for me.
    Incredible.
    I must take responsibility, but they don’t have to.

    Reply
    • February 24, 2018 at 10:09 am

      Thank you for your comment – but how sad! Their narcissistic lack-of-empathy replaced by all kinds of “advice” is SO typical. So relateable. It recalls a time when I was a member of Baptist church. My father was diagnosed with cancer and I was upset and grieving about it. Not one, NOT ONE, of those so-called “Christians” showed one ounce of empathy, unlike the Christ whose name they claimed. He always had empathy for the sick and grieving. When the chips were down, my “church” failed me and I left them to wallow in their self-righteousness and sling Bible verses at each other, in lieu of true empathy. Thanks for sharing and triggering that memory. I hope you have / will find healing from both the school and the narcissist. 🙁

      Reply
  • February 24, 2018 at 11:54 am

    It is possible that some people react in such a deflecting way because they see what you have been going through and are deathly afraid that they may have someone in their own life who is a narcissist. It might be a wake up call they do not want to hear.

    After all, who would WANT to go through what we do in order to heal? It is scary because of the scope of pain and loss we have endured, and do endure. Many of us lose chunks of our network of family and friends who side with the oh-poor-me narcissist saying how their ungrateful child has abandoned them. We go through a lot to achieve peace and learn to interact with the world more normally. And it sure ain’t easy!

    In the end, whatever anyone else says about us is none of our business anyway. Not worth the energy to worry about it! Go on ahead and believe I am a Mallard Duck if you like. It won’t make me quack or sprout feathers! 😉

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  • February 24, 2018 at 1:05 pm

    Dear Lenora, …”comparing notes.” Once again, you hit it right out of the park. Looking back, it’s almost funny what narc-ish people write-off as complaints. Simply stating an opinion, like “fuel companies are greedy,” those few words are twisted and stretched by both the narcs and their monkeys as whining. Needless to say, i don’t call or visit those people because…

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  • February 24, 2018 at 1:26 pm

    Four days after I lost a member of my family and was grieving, a narcissistic religious member of a grief support group told me “to stop feeling sorry for myself and go do something nice for someone else for a change.”

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  • February 24, 2018 at 6:40 pm

    Thanks

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  • February 25, 2018 at 5:16 pm

    I am glad that for once we victims should not be taking responsibility for something that was totally out of our control when it was the narcissist that should have been held responsible for causing us to be where we are today due to what they did to us in the past.

    It would be easy to erase the past if our minds were like a CD disk, floppy disk, or tape deck where you can just erase everything from it and start all over again.

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    • February 26, 2018 at 11:59 am

      I can’t stand being told I’m “playing the victim” by them, and others who don’t even know my story. I AM the damn victim. I was victimized by them all and they all want to act like nothing happened and just get over it and stop making a mountain out of a molehill, when it’s not a molehill to ME! My privacy being invaded by my father reading my personal diary that he dug up in a box I had stored in the garage is NOT nothing. Consistent gaslighting is not a small thing, and neither is her ignoring me for 10 days at a time as though I were not even there in my own home…not small. They all keep telling me it’s a mistaken perception.

      I have been lucky to be surrounded by awesome female friends who all believe me and have never once told me to forgive them or just deal with it (even though they also have issues with their parents and still put up with them or look after them as invalids) It’s been such an amazing journey of healing and having them in my court has been such a godsend. I probably would have killed myself ages ago if I hadn’t met them all.

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  • February 26, 2018 at 11:49 am

    So timely for me. After everything I’ve been through…the incredible pain of the no contact process (they seem to think it was just so easy for me because I’M the actual narcissist and ALL of my family members are in cahoots now to try and convince me, when I do slip and fall back into contact out of stupid decisions to see if anything has changed…of course it hasn’t) I’ve just gone through another discard by my so called ‘mother’ who I was shamed into reconnecting with by my brother who is just SO relentless with the projections and deflecting and cannot stand my vulnerablility, and what this article spoke about at the end asking these people why do they feel the need to shame and what are they so scared of, is so spot on. He knows that he will be the next makeshift scapegoat if he can’t get me to come back and take another shit sandwich…for the ‘love’ of them.
    I’ve recently been told my ex provider, the person who I believed was the original narcissist, but am now seriously reconsidering that towards my ‘mother’ who was far more ruthless with the silent treatment (His preference was gaslighting 101) has been diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease and I’m expected to just forget everything that happened, which none of them believe even did happen and have been trying to convince me of totally different realities, and run back to make THEM all happy??
    I felt SO low, like I am worthless after she replied simply by saying “I wish you wella nd will not bother you again” when I expressed to her honestly that being told that she didn’t believe anything really happened and that I’m making it all up made me feel angry, furious and hurt…but in non attacking language, and how putting me down consistently to pick himself up and feel better about himself, did not ‘make me happy”! So once again, I’M the piece of shit who is just the devils concubine for rejecting THEM!
    My brother did say to me to ‘grow up’ and take responsability, even though he takes none for his own vile actions and blames me for the dysfunction of the family, which I know I am not and it’s a ridiculous statement! It was his relentless shaming when I was in a very low place and homeless at the time, which he took full advantage of, that caused me to reconnect with my supposed mother on email and she, of course, did the whole reel her in trick by saying how she wanted to give me a hug (I’m almost certain she could sense how much I have craved her hugs from when I was a girl…they have a sixth sense for this way to emotionally whammy you) only to then turn around and withhold her love when I did not immediately give in to her wanting me to run back and play happy families and pretend none of it ever happened.
    I just don’t know what to do though? He is deteriorating and I know if I go back they will all be happy with me for a while, but then I will be punished. I honestly feel like if my brother ever found me I’d be in real danger physically. He’s a pretty disturbed person who tried to get me to perform in a porn movie that he wanted to film, with a woman he was sleeping with, who looked like me! He would tell me to get over it and stop living in the past if he were here reading this!
    If I don’t go back well that’s it, and they will all die and I will never know about it, or I will die and they will never know and we will just be all strangers, which is how it all felt to me for years…but I’m not a callous person and I know he’s a frail old man now and won’t be here much longer. I just don’t know if I can really just not speak to any of them ever again, but if I do I know the behavior will continue and I cannot take the agony and pain of the games anymore. It’s an impossible and really sad situation.
    Any helpful thoughts or words would be appreciated.

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  • February 26, 2018 at 2:12 pm

    if i dare share ANYTHING, i fear hearing the “it’s best to move on”. no, it’s not….it’s best to delve deeply into all the slings and arrows one has had to pull from one’s heart, examine the wounds, and apply healing balm, actively and often. PTSD was the gift i received from narcissistic abuse that keeps on giving. i have had years of CBT therapy in dealing with the sense of injustice, but nothing has really made a dent until i recently sought out EMDR. the healing work using it has been grueling, but nothing short of miraculous in being able to “move on” on my own terms. when i see others’ narcissistic behavior, it still sends me through the roof. i can give it as wide a berth as possible, but it’s everywhere these days. seeing the behavior unfold on the nightly news has brought the issue to the attention of everyone. in that i have hope….perhaps those who practice it regularly will finally be held accountable and not be allowed to inflict it so readily upon everyone in their wake. i’m hoping for a grassroots “anti-narcissism movement” to follow the “me too” one that has taken hold and is dishing out its justice…long awaited sweet justice.

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    • February 26, 2018 at 11:36 pm

      Only people so cut off from their own emotional realm and in denial of their own abuse and what it has done to them would ever tell someone to move on or get over it. It shows such an incredible lack of insight into humans to even suggest it because as humans, when we are wounded and the person who has caused those wounds refuses to even acknowledge what they did, much less apologize sincerely for it, which is most abusers…it is literally impossible to ‘just let go’ without years of hard work that is done mostly alone by the victim. It never ceases to amaze me how many people are clueless about this basic principle.

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  • March 3, 2018 at 3:50 am

    Another criticism survivors of narcissistic abuse frequently encounter is the comment, “You’re over-sensitive”.

    I regard that equally as “B…shit”!

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    • March 3, 2018 at 11:21 am

      Oh absolutely! I think I wrote about that in my article about Teasing. It was one of first blogs because it was such a raw nerve. Endless mean “teasing.”

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    • March 3, 2018 at 3:46 pm

      Another criticism survivors of narcissistic abuse frequently encounter are the comments, “Come down”, “Don’t take it personally”, “I was only joking” “It was a joke.”

      Reply
  • December 17, 2018 at 4:32 am

    Living it still. It is like we’re all on the tracks laid out for us. Maybe the get over it crowd is scared of their own wounds and terrified of the real work and change involved in admitting the truth of the barrenness of our first years of life, the over arching patterns that keep us stuck and the shame it is all our fault/misapprehension anyway. Or, perhaps they had really lovely childhoods and don’t want the negativity to mess up their vibe.

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