5 thoughts on “What Do False Guilt and Steinway Pianos have in Common?

  • January 9, 2018 at 7:37 am

    False guilt was so ingrained from such a young age that I am not sure I can remember a time when I didn’t feel as if everything was my fault. I got so picked full of holes that just about anything could be done TO me, and I would find a plausible excuse FOR the perpetrator.

    For Golden Children, my parents took in teenaged foster daughters from the time I was very small. They were, naturally, quite messed up because you don’t land in foster care because you complained about the meatloaf. Most of them took out their abuses on me in some way. Some of them stole from me, money I had saved, items I had been given, stuff I needed… Others picked on me relentlessly. Others set me up to get in trouble for things I had not done. One got me followed around, hit, and terrorized for two years by girls I had never met but who were in her grade.

    And what did my parents do in all that? They told me that I had to be “the bigger person” and allow these things to happen without standing up for myself, without any protection from them, and without having anyone, including them, make things right. What was their rationale for such lapses? They told me these things happened to me because “you have a loving stable home and they had such horrible abusive families.” Never mind that this little “fact” was not true.

    It took me years to get to a place where I stopped accepting any and all bad treatment as something I deserved just for Being. I do not attract such people any longer and have let go of many who needed it. Still, I tend to struggle to be conscious of whether I am appropriately requiring reciprocity in my relationships as I have to remain alert so as not to keep seeing myself as perpetually in the wrong.

    In the end, the softening and the hardening prime us to accept or commit crimes against ourselves in some way, which was, might I add, the exact freaking OPPOSITE of what a loving parent teaches his or her child.

  • January 9, 2018 at 10:36 pm

    I read your comments about how your father criticized the way you walked and thought, “I’M NOT THE ONLY ONE!” All my childhood he said I walked like an elephant. He’s been dead almost thirty years and I STILL tiptoe across the floor…even when I’m home alone.

    • January 9, 2018 at 11:10 pm

      I can’t believe it! Here I thought it was just a personal pet peeve of his, too weird to mention. But again, narcissists are all the same!!

  • January 11, 2018 at 6:10 am

    My mother had me take risque photographs of her posing with the cat. I must have been about 7 years old. I tried to get out of it by telling her I didn’t know how to use the camera, which was true. So she ‘kindly’ gave me a lesson. This part makes me feel particularly ashamed. While she was teaching me how to hold and operate the camera I was filled with joy that she was actually being nice.
    So, I did it. I took the photos. Once all the frames were used up, she told me to go. Just like that. Done. Finished. No more ‘kindness’. The look on my face must have tugged at her heart a little, at least, or so I thought and as I was leaving she said that if the photos came out good she would buy me a flute. I loved music and musical instruments.
    Sometime later, in my young head, it was weeks, she presented me with a tin whistle. A nasty chipped black and gold tin whistle with a piece of cork in one end and rough edges to the holes. She didn’t say anything. Just shoved it at me. I accepted and thanked her for it. She never asked me again to take photos. Recently, my younger sister confided in me that my mother had her do the same, for years. That broke my heart. I always thought my younger sister was the special child and mothers hate didn’t extend to her.
    After over two years of no contact, remembering this incident, I asked myself “Why didn’t she have my dad do it? maybe it was a surprise”, and the penny dropped. How stupid can anyone be with only one head?
    The pictures were not for him. They were for one of the numerous ‘uncles’ that ‘popped in’ while my dad at work.

    • January 11, 2018 at 6:16 am

      Ok. This morning I read a post about the significance of today’s date and time. Numerology. 11th of the 1st 11.11am and that something will ‘happen’. It just did. Now is 11.14am and I realise that 11.11am I was posting my life experience with a narcissist for the very first time. Think I’ll just sit and cry for a while now.
      I read your stuff all the time, Lenora. Thank you.


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