7 thoughts on “Gifts from Narcissists Always Come with Strings

  • August 28, 2017 at 9:01 am

    Wow, does this one strike a chord. My earliest memory of the need to treat gifts this was when I was about 3 1/2 and celebrating Christmas. I remember so clearly being given hot wheels tracks by my father and a doll with a telephone by my mother and knowing I must be very very careful to play with both of my parents equally and expressing exactly equal joy over the toys. They are both Narcissists, so there was no safe space to land anywhere.

    This went on and on through my life. My mother loved to sew and did it “out of love.” The string? You’d best like whatever she made, regardless of whether it fit, you liked it, looked good in it, or it was comfortable. And don’t you dare to rip a pocket accidentally by “Hanging on them!”

    It went on into adulthood, too. At one point, it got so bad that we actually drew up a legal accounting of what had been given, that it was a gift, and was not to be mentioned again and made them sign it.

    When this last crash came and we had to kick them and their stuff out of our home, I sent every “heirloom” I could back to them on those moving vans, even as much of the stuff on that list as I could! I find there is more that escaped, but I am gradually giving these items to cousins and family members who are still family members. Family ought to get heirlooms, and as I am NO CONTACT and not family anymore, I am passing them on to people for whom they have no painful associations. It’s a win-win — the recipients are happy, warm, and fuzzy about the family stuff, and I am finally finding freedom.

    Thanks for saying this. Wise words.

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  • August 28, 2017 at 11:19 am

    I received an expensive road bike from my husband for my birthday. If I want to ride it, he gets irritated because a) I get up too early on a Saturday (I try to ride at a time when childcare wouldn’t fall upon him because of my absence), and b) I want to ride too often (once a week constitutes WAY too often). When I come home, I have to “pay” by hearing insults and being degraded for opting for fun over my responsibilities of housewifery and childcare. I gave up on riding it much at all. I’ve been out three times all summer. When I don’t ride he’s critical because I don’t ride it enough and I don’t seem to appreciate it. But all three times I rode this summer he had a fit afterwards and it wasn’t worth it. It’s rarely worth it to explore my own interests. Oh, and he uses the bike as justification because he has spent massive amounts of money on toys for himself without discussing it with me. It feels like the bike was just a gesture or token to even things out so he could say, “See? I bought an expensive thing for you too!” If I didn’t love the bike itself so much I’d get rid of it, but I’d had my eye on it for years… I just wish I’d bought it for myself.

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    • August 29, 2017 at 2:21 am

      what are you still doing with that man? you have the right and the responsibility to live the life free from such abuse. and abuse it is, no matter how much you deny it. please, save yourself and your children. you still can have the life and love you deserve. good luck and be strong!

      Reply
  • August 28, 2017 at 11:38 pm

    Omg so true, all of it. Everything comes with a forcing current! I wish I knew about this years ago.

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    • December 6, 2017 at 7:18 pm

      I wish I would have known my father was a narcissist many, many years ago. Just recently my therapist told me to go online to find adult kids who have narcissists parent/parents. It wasn’t till then that I understand why my father has hurt me & treated me the way he did. I haven’t had any contact with him in about 3 years now but I now know he will never change or be sorry for anything, so now I have to learn how to except this reality. I love my dad & I miss the good things about him. It’s really hard for me to grieve the loss of my dad who is still on this earth living. I am his only daughter, his only child and from the day my first daughter was born 18 years ago she was his everything, and I wasn’t anything but his pawn he used to play his games or control me, use me for whatever he wanted. I pray I will one day like who I am, learn to trust again, learn how to heal from all his abuse, learn how to live my life & be happy.

      Reply
  • August 29, 2017 at 1:39 am

    I also got a bike from the narcissist. He wanted us to ride together, mostly so he could act like a 5 year old, riding no hands down a small incline on the 1/2 block near his house. We’d make the rest of the looping block and then he was done. No exercise value at all. And for this, he bought a $700 bike.
    But I kept it at my condo so I could ride enough to actually get some exercise. I got a stationary stand for it, so I could still exercise indoors during the hottest months of the Florida summers.
    This really bothered him.
    One day, he called me from about 10 minutes away from my place and told me, “I’m coming over with a bike I got you for $20 at a garage sale. I can’t stand the thought of you using that $700 bike like that.”
    He arrived and took the nice bike off the stand, left the $20 one there without putting it on the stand, and left.
    He kept it at his house thereafter, so I had to always go there to exercise.
    So much for that as an effective exercise method for me. Plus,
    the cheap one didn’t fit me and hurt my hips and back.
    I came to realize he was jealous of the first bike because it was newer and slightly better quality than his.
    And of course he had exact requirements for my use of it, specifically, that I only rode with him or in his neighborhood so I could be seen to his neighbors as the trophy I didn’t realize I was to him yet, and so he could see me ride it and he could enjoy that he’d done this great and magnificent act of generosity in giving it to me.
    Oh, and also so he could ogle my backside and make lewd comments.
    I lost another 5 years to him and a lot more, but I’m out now and it cost him a hell of a lot more than $750!

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  • December 6, 2017 at 7:20 pm

    I wish I would have known my father was a narcissist many, many years ago. Just recently my therapist told me to go online to find adult kids who have narcissists parent/parents. It wasn’t till then that I understand why my father has hurt me & treated me the way he did. I haven’t had any contact with him in about 3 years now but I now know he will never change or be sorry for anything, so now I have to learn how to except this reality. I love my dad & I miss the good things about him. It’s really hard for me to grieve the loss of my dad who is still on this earth living. I am his only daughter, his only child and from the day my first daughter was born 18 years ago she was his everything, and I wasn’t anything but his pawn he used to play his games or control me, use me for whatever he wanted. I pray I will one day like who I am, learn to trust again, learn how to heal from all his abuse, learn how to live my life & be happy.

    Reply
 

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