2 thoughts on “I Was Complicit in My Own Narcissistic Abuse

  • July 14, 2017 at 5:14 am

    I think we’ve all done this and somehow created , or added to our own sense of being a child of a lesser god.
    When I think of the number of times I’ve cut and pasted myself into near caricatures of the who I really am, it kind of appals me , but then I think way back I guess I was just a fool kid looking for approval from people who wouldn’t give that to you even at gun point.
    I’m sure narcs with their frantic self protective system have a radar which can pick out another inferiority complex and proceed to squish it because it creates a kind of feudal abuse system which they can enjoy.
    The moment anyone centers and begins to self actualise is the last thing they want, so constant criticism and sniping to keep their victims off balance is par for the course.
    When I began to find centre, my narc ex went nuts and went for divorce…Hooray!
    And so the after the worm turneth, but perhaps more of a caterpillar…. things changed and I eventually became a ditzy butterfly, or something a bit like that …lol

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  • October 19, 2017 at 5:36 pm

    Yes, we were so helpful in that we made it so simple for them to control us and hurt us and get their fuel from us and even when we are so nearly empty of fuel for ourselves to keep moving, still we wonder what else we could have done to get their approval. And we wait, hoping for them to really “see” what they have done to us. To accept their part in our near complete annihilation. To say, I”m sorry just one time, and then the realization sinks in, they aren’t sorry, they feel completely justified and they believe everything they say to us and to themselves. And even after studying just exactly what it is, this horrible disease they have, knowing that there isn’t a true person under all that facade and that they are incapable of feeling any sort of empathy or regret in regards to us or anyone else, we still somehow feel responsible to help them. We still think maybe somewhere, somehow, we are the only ones that can help them and we cling to them with every fiber of our being. Even when I knew, and I think I always knew deep inside of me that he was never going to love me, even when I didnt understand it, I told myself, it didn’t matter because I had enough love to cover us both and always kept the hope that someday, somehow he would realize he loved me too. Until I finally became too afraid to go on, I realized that I had a lot of love to give, but even that had finally not been enough, and if I wanted to survive, I had to keep just that little bit I had left for myself. And knew if I could I would give him that last bit if I could save him. We give them everything we have, until there is nothing left, or so little they can’t even see any value anymore, and then they throw us away in the vilest, cruelest manner possible and they walk away with a smirk on their faces.

    Thank God, he couldn’t see anymore value because I would have died, and I know that for certain and I know that is his wish as well.
    But no more, he will get no more. I don’t have it to spare, and now as I start to feel my strength come back, just a little tiny bit at a time, I know I have to save what little bit I have left for me. Puny as that is, it is all I have. But by learning to give the love back to ourselves, finally, we can watch it grow, hopefully stronger than ever one day and we can finally know what it is to walk our own truth, to be proud of ourselves and no longer need any outside validation, nor will we continue to give our lifes blood and our power without keeping ourselves full first. Because we know now, we are important too, and our lives matter and we are real. No more falling for a fantasy. We become to ourselves what we looked for in them and only then can we go on.

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