11 thoughts on “Narcissistic Family and Pseudomutuality

  • May 25, 2017 at 10:36 pm

    A wonderful description of behind-closed-doors insanity!! With the exception of throwing things (my narcissists rage was emotional and mental control, not physical) this described my family to a “t”. As my name says, I’m “happily divorced”.

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  • May 26, 2017 at 7:41 am

    Spot on again! In my FOO, alcoholism (the demon of the primary narc) was in the mix, too, so it was all about keeping secrets. However, even as a child I saw futility in their efforts because the masks always slipped. That nice man they met at work? He’d be labeled an SOB the next week. I was keeping up appearances even outside the home. I felt shame for how they were and shame for helping maintain the charade.

    THEN I met my seemingly wonderful “soulmate,” who was (no surprise) a man with NPD. One of his last rages involved screaming about how “f-ing stupid” I was for expressing my discomfort with The Walking Dead. I was told I didn’t “know shit” about character development and couldn’t appreciate complex plots. So, yeah…I’ve been referred for EMDR to help because I keep reliving it all. I pray a change comes, soon so that I can live free from constant turmoil.

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  • May 27, 2017 at 4:29 pm

    I relate to everything u said. I left my home & marriage of 25 yrs 15 months,ago. Its has been a huge thing for the family. But one straw broke me and I was suddenly done. Couldn’t listen to the voice any more. Can’t stand it actually. My 2 daughters 23 and 21 r OK. But my 10yr old gorgeous son is struggling. Dad insists on 50-50 weekabout . I’m struggling financially but friends r loving me and keeping me housed ATM. Even though my future is unsure and I was never happy being in debt i could never go back. Look forward to read I g more from u.

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    • May 27, 2017 at 5:35 pm

      Hang in there Kasey! Get counseling for your son if you can, and your girls – and yourself!! I left after 26 years so I wouldn’t have to share custody. Alcoholism and drug addiction were part of my ex’s issues too – I’ve found a great help in AlAnon; even tho you’re not together his behavior still affects you and your children.

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  • January 19, 2018 at 2:05 pm

    Spot on, exactly as it is
    Reading about the ‘house of horror’ this week where 13 children were kept chained and starved by their parents. This description fits that household, children imprisoned by fear trapped in a ‘cult’

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  • January 19, 2018 at 2:44 pm

    In mothers house I was totally compliant the slightest thing would anger her, she could sulk for days.
    Mother was not a good cook, one day we had fish & chips the fish was inedible – raw in the middle and I mentioned it, asking if I could ‘cook it a little longer?’
    I still remember the rage,anger, indignation, the sheer spite that poured out of her. The sulk that lasted for days because of my ‘ungratefulness’
    I never ever complained again.
    If the food was inedible I fed it secretly to the dog/stuck it up my sleeve or forced myself to eat it.
    I was not allowed a voice,opinion or personality. I was invisible, unseen and unheard.
    So invisible I started to wonder if I was real and who was that person in the miƙror?

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  • January 22, 2018 at 2:21 am

    Leave out the throwing things and any emotional outbursts and here you get the typical Swiss family!

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  • February 4, 2020 at 4:27 pm

    I had never heard of this word until today while reading Shannon Thomas’ book on Hidden Abuse. I have always struggled to accurately encapsulate the completely insane phoniness that was and is my family until I learned about this word. “Oh there’s nothing wrong with them, I have no idea what you are talking about or where you are getting that from…they are such nice people!!! (unspoken implication: you must be the problem!)….” how many others have heard that one? It exactly is a coping mechanism to deal with the insanity of completely fraudulent family of origin environments like mine. As a kid I was terrified of what he would do if I made a choice outside of what he thought was right or best. I did end up briefly going insane as a teenager (schizophrenia diagnosis) which I have been convinced for years was a completely sane & normal reaction to a complete insane home environment overseen by the cult leader, my completely insane father, who appeared completely normal and wonderful and “oh what a nice guy he is, and what a nice family you have!” to everyone else. Thomas makes a comment in her book about toxic people all seeming to have read the same manual concerning their behaviours, and every technique in that book came second nature to him. He was a master. Thank you for helping add clarity to this too messed up for words family dynamic.

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  • May 14, 2020 at 3:59 pm

    Hi Lenora! Did you know my family? Hahaha… You described to a “T” what I experienced. Especially the cult part. Not only was my family a cult in itself, but we were also actually in a religious cult on top of that. Yes, the Celestial City of No Contact is a beautiful place. However, I am still in touch with a malignant narc older brother who makes me feel unsettled every time we talk on the phone, even though I am almost 400 miles away from all of the cult creatures.

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