65 thoughts on “Here’s What Happens When You Tell Narcissists They’re Narcissists

  • May 6, 2017 at 12:56 pm

    There’s an truism about narcissim, and that is that narcissists breed narcissists. As the daughter of narcissistic parents, my own healing journey has been about slowly and painfully owning my own narcissistic personality structure and understanding the deep wounds I’ve both suffered and inadvertently inflicted on others. As part of the journey, I’ve also come to respect my own narcissistic defences – they’ve seen me through some hard times and have brought me excitement and success.

    Demonising narcissists is something of a trend, perpetuated I believe, by the people most easily offended by narcissistic behaviour… narcissists themselves. Until we start to focus on what causes narcissism and show compassion for the narcissistically wounded, narcissism will continue to be passed down the generations. Perhaps the question we should all be asking ourselves is “should I be told I’m a narcissist?” – for some of us it will be the most baffling and shocking question ever asked – and the start of a more authentic life.

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    • May 7, 2017 at 10:05 pm

      Wow POB!!! You are insightful and well spoken! I am also the child of a narcissist. I haven’t told him yet, but have talked with all members of my immediate family about it. Knowing the diagnosis has helped me have a relationship with him that I could have never had if I hadn’t know what he was dealing with. It is my firm belief that the child of a narcissist needs help just as much as the narcissist themselves. Otherwise, we pass our dysfunction down through the generations, whether it be our own narcissism or our own codependency, or for me, a mix of both. I regularly attend therapy and al-Anon as a support group for my codependency. These are the measures we as children MUST take to become acutely aware of our own issues having grown up with a narcissistic parent. We have the potential to become the end of the generational curse, but if we don’t put the magnifying glass to ourselves, we become as un self aware as the narcissist is. Your words of wisdom are a great reminder for me!

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      • May 7, 2017 at 10:13 pm

        Amen, bravo, encore, etc. VERY well put! Like you, I have my actions and, especially, MOTIVES under a telescope 24/7! My husband kindly tells me to “knock it off” when the codependency gets the better of me…and I sure appreciate it!

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    • June 4, 2017 at 3:15 pm

      Wow! That an incredible! You are a rare breed 🙂

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    • April 3, 2018 at 11:59 pm

      Ironically if one wants to stop being narcisist, the only way is to focus on oneself. Stop looking at what people do, start changing our own bad qualities into good ones.

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    • June 16, 2018 at 10:03 am

      Narcissism is a problem. Narcissists are devoted to rationalizing the facets of their behavior even before/if they become self aware. I had a step father that was one. I’ve had two bosses, that were narcissists. I have a family member who may very well be one. I am only inches from being one. Knowing these people, and the damage they cause/caused, I’m telling you; You need to respect and love the people around you that are aware of your problem and deal with. Be humbled by it. I, myself, have no intentions of permitting narcissists to damage and blow off people only to return to the top with a self diagnosed and self medicated revelation. Since I think I’m close to being one, I’m pretty familiar with the terms of becoming one. I do empathize with the deep trauma narcissist. But right now, our country is awash in them. They are the Apex predator. They are destroying the healthy infrastructure we once had, and they are very good at covering their tracks with rationale because narcissists are often very intelligent. The self aware ones even have websites devoted to themselves, and promote and coordinate their behaviors with others. Rather than support your rationalizing or blanching the disorder I’d prefer you become someone helpful in diagnosing and detecting. Because I do believe they can be fixed.

      I’m ashamed of myself, because for my alleged level of intelligence, I cannot blow off narcissists. I’m trapped easily by them. I have a vigilant discipline of trying to treat others as whole people. I have pets as family, if not enough said. I’m easily hurt when having to identify other’s shortcomings and dealing with them. It’s not something I want to do, and I feel bad for them. That’s two shots of feeling bad, for them and me. But I don’t know how, or why; Some people just blow them off. And they can talk about it very candidly but I’m jealous because I don’t know what’s missing from my own mechanics.

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    • September 24, 2018 at 4:04 pm

      So BRAVE of you 😌 !!!! & I feel for you.. 😢😢 Change for these people is very.. Unlikely, unfortunately, no matter how much we want them to.. I’ve tried SO Hard, for So Long.. It’s just a Lost cause. Have you heard of this guy 》 Quinn Holliday – expert on narcissism, has very insightful & informative video’s on YouTube Channel ‘ Assc Direct ‘.

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  • May 7, 2017 at 5:21 pm

    Lea, It is not my family I concern myself about anymore. I have attempted to be “helpful” before and failed miserably.
    I am in private practice (LCSW) and have heard only one referring psychiatrist state he believed all patients/clients “should” be told their personality disorder diagnosis. His patient that sees me spends her sessions trying to convince me she is only working with me because she needs to vent about other people who cause her stress!

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  • May 7, 2017 at 5:40 pm

    I showed my ex-husband a “to the point” description of a Malignant Narcissist. His reaction was this is you, it was another knife to my heart, then later I learned that this is a very common response. People thought I was crazy when I tried to tell them him. No one can truly understand the damage the Malignant Narcissist causes unless they have experienced it.

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    • February 23, 2018 at 8:36 am

      My first thought when reading the title of this article was-When you inform a narcissist they are indeed a narcissist, they will accuse you of having NPD right away. This is projection, gaslighting, lying, and using disclosed information against you all in one swift economical blow. Next they will tell all of their flying monkeys, your friends, anyone who will listen that you have NPD. So telling them will backfire big time. They know who and what you dislike the most now and will try to convince you that you are it!

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    • September 29, 2018 at 9:08 pm

      but how do u ever tell a family member 500 miles away. 92 yrsold. that the felon grandaughters shes living with is eating her brain. tapping her phone isolating her.mom has no knowledge of cell phones or the internet and her mail i send to explain is stolen kept from her. when i ring the phone always hung up on by this 40 yr old prison rat. tells my mother its justa telemarketer.i cant gt thru to a mom i spent my life being friends with caring for and now she wants to commit suicide and I havent heard from her. so i had a friend call. this narc refused to give the phoneto my mother and said oh we are so sick of MY headgames andso sorry I Put this friend in the middleof ALL THIS!? my friendhad no clue whatshemeant and neither do I but I never heard from mom again! whatdo u do then? i findnoaps person or copthat understandsthe controlling chariming narc behavior so shes fools em alot.!! ideas? i just need an hr ofmy moms time alone. and I cant have it~! its all abuse. but yetshe alled elderabuseon me. 500 mi away then knowing its a felony to tap her HOSTS phone she put it in HERname! OUR fam phone is now HERS!and i feel cursed allday long even though i dont believe in it.but my luck isso bad something horribleseemsto happen daily! howdo u get through? and of course mom cant get away. its her home! shes asked herto get out to blank stares.

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  • May 7, 2017 at 6:22 pm

    I was crying to my therapist about my mother; I asked her, why do I keep going back in there only for her to hurt me again, I don’t get it. She told me, Kim, it’s because you’ve got hope, you keep hoping for her to change, to see you, hear you, love you. Then she said this; It might be time for you to start accepting that she is incapable of change, incapable of loving you the way you want her to love you. I was shattered. That is not what I wanted. I wanted a mother.
    I was 48 years old, she had me for 48 years and my own life was fraught with pain and anguish for that long and longer till she died. I was so relieved that she couldn’t get to me anymore, not physically anyway. I still live with some demons, but I can cope with them now.
    I was in therapy for a long time and it was painful, but if I didn’t have my therapist, truly, I might not have made it. I feel your pain, I actually do know it.

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    • May 7, 2017 at 9:33 pm

      Kim, I feel your pain as well. Coming to the understanding that the narcissist in my life simply lacked the capacity to love me the way I needed and wanted was very liberating for me. I hope it has been for you as well, and I hope you have found others to fill that need! <3

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    • February 25, 2018 at 10:54 pm

      Situation sounds exactly like mine it took me 48 years to figure out she was a
      narcissist now gone no contact wish I had’nt wasted soo much of my life dealing
      with her thats my only regret my revenge is living a great life I know she hates
      that but soo what.

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  • May 7, 2017 at 9:30 pm

    I first discovered NPD while reading a case study while taking a DSM class in route to earning my MSW. I was in my 40s. I’ll never forget that feeling. I had no freaking idea what diagnosis I was reading about, and yet it all sounded too familiar. It was as though my father’s life story was on those four pages. Obviously, I yearned to know. Everyone else in the room knew. I guess it was obvious…unless you lived with it every single day.

    Prior to ever knowing anything about NPD, an awful lot of my family members had gone no contact. I seemed to be the only one to hang on. Unfortunately, my father’s narcissism has also been combined with alcoholism so virtually all of his narcissistic rages have been conveniently blacked-out. After years of therapy, and years of being a therapist, I continue to struggle with the idea of telling him. If I felt even the slightest twinge from him that he desired more connection with his family, and he would appreciate a road map toward that end, I’d happily go for it…even though I know it would be super-painful. But it’s just not there.

    I remain eternally hopeful, and I check-in every so often to test the waters. Interestingly enough, the last time I did was because he had initially named me as the executor of his estate, but I knew a lot had changed and he hadn’t communicated anything with me, so I asked. No response. At least not yet. It’s only been two weeks.

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  • July 9, 2017 at 5:47 pm

    I am the daughter, sister, friend of some extremely narcissistic people. I read this and it made me kind of hurt imagining you waiting to find their reply to you calling them out. Why put so much time and energy into people who have obviously been so destructive to you in your life? They will NEVER validate you. I’m sorry, but you already know that. Telling people how they are messed up will never motivate them to change and human nature being what it is, will probably make them bigger assholes. They think you are beneath them and you reaching in that way only proves their incorrect assessment (in their eyes sweetie). They don’t care, and are only gaining pleasure that they upset you enough that you went to so much trouble. Wash your face, wash your hands, walk away and don’t look back.

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    • August 10, 2017 at 1:18 pm

      My 45 year old son is an alcoholic with narcissistic personality. first showed up at about age 12. he tjhinks he is normal and the rest of the world has problems. the sad part is 90 per cent of his crazy is aimed at me, his mother. i tried for years, being strict, being a push over, getting him out of trouble… like s typical codependent person.
      But then he married someone just like him. I continued to be treated in such terrible verbal embarrassing ways by both of them . then i read that they were hopeless to get better. when i was then accused of child abuse, stealing money, being a whore (been married for 45 years), the list of what he told all over our community and to family almost destroyed me. But I stopped all contact for over a year while he even tried to turn family against me. i then sent text to check on him when i heard he was very sivk. After he told me his poor sad story, he went right back to verbally abusing me but refusing to even discuss what he said or to talk about any of our problems. Broke my heart, but with him still telling untrue gossip, i am finished! There is no hope anymore, so i have gotten on with my life, hoping the grief will go away. But he wasn’t finished, he then started calling his dad and acting like the sweetest son on earth…..he thinks he is stealing his dad away from me. No Contact with him is my only hope for peace after trying for over 40 years because who turns their back on their child. I have done therapy… I feel like I have PTSD.

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      • August 10, 2017 at 2:30 pm

        might I add to my comment? i beg all of you to stop hoping for love from people who have no idea how to love. Even if he accepted help, i am told it would take many many years to see
        improvement in my son. I have ruined my health, i am on medications for anxiety, sleep, panic attacks, several problems with stomach because of stress. Please, don’t spend years on such a hopeless situation. Spend time with the normal people in your life. it took some time before my other child trusted me to put him first in my life and now i am in his and my grandchildrens’ lives. i have “adopted” two families as my kids.
        One is family with their own kids and grandkids…We are even called Mom and Pop. The other family is a young couple with no kids but still have their parents. we are called their third set of parents and are welcome at all of their family functions. Guess this is making lemonade from lemons.
        My son made the choice to break our bond, but i was the one hanging on hoping for a Miracle.
        My FIL was narcissistic and destroyed his wife and his kids and even his brothers and sisters over the years. On his death bed he continued to verbally abuse everyone while treating his caregivers like his daughters. When he died everyone said they attended his funeral just to see with their own eyes that he was in the coffin when they put him in the ground. how much better everyone would have been to not have allowed him to stay in their lives. He used money to keep control of the whole family.

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    • July 26, 2018 at 11:12 pm

      Hi Jane you have really hit the mark here! My son is severely affected as well as having drug issues. Other family members are as well. My first husband was as well. I was psychologically abused for years had ultimatums for my mothering skills and well, any darned thing I did. Always watched and judged, you may as well talk to a brick wall. They NEVER change Totally unable to The world revolves around the narcissist.

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    • October 12, 2019 at 6:06 pm

      I agree with Jane. The only thing important in life and for your own mental health is avoiding negative or narcissistic people and staying with positive people. As they say, we can choose our friends and not our family. My friends understand me far better than family members, who I’ve never felt close too, having lost my parents when I was fairly young. Life is too short to waste on people who don’t make you happy. Spend it with people who do. All good wishes to you.

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  • August 30, 2017 at 10:02 pm

    Just want you to know I think you and are had a moment in parallel universes. Last year I learned to spell NARCISSIST and then spent 5 solid months, 3 to 5 hours each night of the week unearthing what I never knew: What Was A Narcissist. It was exactly like you said — and like you I couldn’t help myself. What was astounding to me was the level of my ignorance these 77 years I’ve lived. The more I learned the more the puzzle pieces fit so I started a FB page. I know there are lots of them, but I wanted mine to mirror a safe reading haven for very young people, so that meant I had to keep it clean … and some of the sites are ‘blue’ with angry language. Mine isn’t.
    .

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    • December 31, 2017 at 11:45 pm

      Hi Laurie, what is the name of your FB page? It is 11:41 pm on New Year’s Eve and I am dead inside, no contact is like a kind of death I think.
      Anyway, I wish that I could visit your group because I need help. I have therapists, and a group. Hope to find you soon.
      Karen Magni (my FB name)

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  • September 5, 2017 at 8:44 pm

    I’m convinced that our Narcissist story started in tragedy: two sons killed in separate accidents, leaving me, the daughter/sister, and my younger brother. Fast forward 60 years. My parents have now both passed and left a (supposedly) sizable estate, for which my brother has been trustee for the past 20 years. During this time, my aging mother – 100+ at time of death – has been in a nursing home near him while I have been states away. I have visited several times a year, experiencing a roller coaster relationship with my brother which was dependent on my “mirror” behavior. Am I adoring him and showering him with praise and gratitude? I’m wonderful. Am I questioning or critical? I’m a greedy delusional witch.
    It wasn’t until I realized, after decades, that he treated his family the same way he treated me that I determined he had to face consequences of his actions somehow; not only is $1M missing, he has controlled everyone with his aberrant behavior, even trying his tricks on attorneys and bankers. He is a classic Narcissist. And just like I carried the effects of my dysfunctional birth family into my marriage, his children will carry dysfunction into their futures. They adore him. Why shouldn’t they? He has given them everything they ever wanted, including collector cars, education abroad, even a company in his son’s name. And of course, he plays the victim, garnering their sympathy and devotion. Unless they face the fact that he is a liar and a criminal, and understand what he is, they will perpetuate the dysfunction and re-create the roles of narcissist and victim to the endless sorrow of their future families.
    Should I try to explain anything of this to them? No, they would never believe me. But perhaps, considering what the bankers, the attorneys, the judge have to say about this… they will finally understand that my brother is not who he has always pretended to be. And in that will be their salvation.

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  • October 5, 2017 at 3:20 pm

    Thank you for taking the time to write the article, this information is most helpful. I have been married for 21 years to a man that I have always put on a pedestal as the most perfect man but the reality I have to face is how I have spent all these years making excuses for his lies and behavior. I am 58 years old and my husband is 43 years old, my husband left me in June of this year, I found out after his left me that he had been making inappropriate passes at my grown daughter and my daughter in law (he is the Step Father). I am just devasted, my husband and I started going to counseling both separately and together, he comes by my home every day but saying goodbye over and over again is so painful. My husband was diagnosed as a narcissist but he doesn’t seem to care, he now thinks he is to good for counseling and doesn’t need counseling. He is adamant that he wants to move home, he has been living with his parents. I work two jobs, pay all the bills, he does not work and his mother gives him spending money. I love my husband very much but my grown children want nothing to do with him and I pushing me to get a divorce.

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  • November 14, 2017 at 9:24 am

    Is it ever possible for someone with traits of NPD to be aware something is different about them?

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    • December 12, 2017 at 12:53 pm

      The answer to this question is Yes. A British man (I trust he is a man) is writing under the Pseudonym of H G Tudor. He has been diagnosed with NPD and has been encouraged as part of his treatment to write about his condition. His many books are available on Amazon.co.uk and they make very insightful reading. He has also been interviewed on the radio with his voice disguised because he has quite a high powered job if I remember rightly. This interview is on YOU TUBE. The impression I was left with after reading was that he agreed to treatment because he was going to lose out on a large sum of money if he didn’t. Perhaps it was an inheritance matter. But from his perspective the treatment is a waste of time.

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      • June 1, 2018 at 10:50 am

        H.G. Tudor is still producing YouTube videos to this day, it’s June 1, 2018. I don’t think I’ve heard that it was a requirement for him to do so, for his job or for money; but I don’t know for sure that isn’t true. I do know that his videos are extremely on target. It’s scary how accurate he is. He has insight to the effects of his NPD and I suppose, for whatever reason, he is making lemonade out of lemons. I personally am in despair because of narcissistic abuse my whole life. No contact helps, but I always hope. I have begun to hate hope!
        His YT channel is called Knowing the Narcissist. His voice is chilling, he is very sure of himself. But at least he is informing people about this dreadful disorder. Listen to him, and if you decide you can handle it, you’ll learn a lot and maybe your (and my) lives will improve.
        KBM

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  • February 18, 2018 at 3:53 am

    Folks, after decades of immersion in a multigenerational NPD family I have come to the conclusion that defining boundaries without passing judgement or labeling people works best. Ultimately, the narc cannot change so you will wind up no contact at some point anyhow. So why waste time? The more you tolerate a narc the more likely they will destroy you and your life. They will consume you and subjugate you. If you call them in it they will launch a smear campaign. They are evil incarnate.

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  • February 21, 2018 at 9:07 am

    Standing up to a narcissist and sometimes telling them off to their face is good for business. Even if it’s someone who’s name sounds similar to Satan.

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  • March 13, 2018 at 12:23 pm

    I think one should tell a narcissist they are a narcissist if it helps you. (If you are doing it for them, then don’t.). It’s a hard thing to cope with, to believe that a person you love has NPD, that is they are so incredibly selfish and entitled that they will control, sabatoge, demean and abuse because they’re entitled to do so. It is difficult to divorce oneself, go No Contact while still hoping one’s assessment is incorrect (we aren’t psychologists after all), doubting that we are correct.

    I told my husband that I believed he ‘had a problem with narcissism.’ He researched the traits of narcissism online, bought books, and took that information into counseling ‘to discuss his problem.’ Before, anyone gets too excited, too hopeful there is a cure….here is what happened.

    He came home from meeting with his psychologist and mournfully informed me the psychologist didn’t believe him. The guy he was seeing worked extensively with NPD’s in a jail setting early in his career and he knew narcissists and my husband wasn’t one. My husband then informed me that he obviously had a poor counselor and stopped going to individual counseling. My husband then informed me in any argument we were having or responded to any complaint I had with…”Well, what can you expect, I’m a narcissist.

    Yep, he proudly adopted that label and used it to his advantage. Now you may assume based on my story, the literature is correct about not informing the narcissist they’re a narcissist; however, three things happened for me.

    1.). I believed that my husband was not only a narcissist but a psychopath as well, skillfully manipulating everyone from me, to my narcissistic parents and family, to friends and neighbors, to the individual counselors and the couple counselors we had been seeing.

    2.). Any sense of marital obligation or care I had to the image he presented just died. He more or less lost his humanity to me and I was able to observe more and emotionally react less to his machinations. And,

    3.). Using the research and knowledge I gleaned from books by Robert Hare and others on psychopathy, I unraveled and called out his lies, his manipulations, his strategies and required a higher standard of behavior than he was always angeling for me to accept. I called him out on the unacceptable thing he spoke, actioned, and body languaged…..everything.

    As I stood my ground, defining ‘our relationship’ by his actions not his words, holding him to a higher standard, withstanding the rages, the vindictiveness (I call that out as well), he became more discarding until finally he left me (of course he tells people I kicked him out….oh, the heartbreak for him.).

    As I’m processing through this, I’m feeling less and less like the victim and more and more like a survivor. I’m finding closure and am healing. It’s slow but steady progress and I’m stalling on the divorce I’ve been fighting for for years and that he now wants so quickly to finalize. It’s my turn to have some control of the outcome. I know I will get annihilated in a divorce from the insecure, anxious, needy, traumatized place I’ve been existing within after all the trauma and drama and abuse I’ve endured. I’m taking the time to heal and he’s getting less and less powerful in my life. For the first time, I believe that I will come out of this horrible experience stronger, more confident, and better able to choose people and relationships that will add to the healthy lifestyle I’m working to build. I believe I will be able to trust again and, even more importantly, that I can trust myself.

    Holding the information, the knowledge, I gathered, not confronting the reality except in my mind did nothing but cause me to feel more small, more helpless and more disempowered, more of a victim. They say, “The truth will set you free.” I’ve found shining the light of truth on the darkness a powerful way to get’ me’ back.

    I think one should tell a narcissist they are a narcissist if it helps you. If you are doing it for them, then don’t.

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    • June 8, 2018 at 4:42 am

      Long story short, been there!! I divorced my ex finally after 8 years of being on the fence. I had 2 teenage boys, I knew this would crush them. I couldn’t hurt them, I blindly kept praying my ex would see his demons and get help. Plus, I sadly admit I was clueless when it came to finances! I admit I couldn’t even balance my own checkbook. He was an accountant. I took care of the house and the kids and worked part time. The heavens opened up and whispered in my ear, run as fast as you can to the nearest lawyer. Actually I read this book about NP which confirmed in my head this was my ex to a tea. The court referred to my divorce as a High Conflict, that’s putting it mildly! It was the Divorce from Hell !!!! My father in law who often told me he loved me and thought I was great, was the attorney for the defendant…Ouch! Lesson learned, blood is thicker than water. Anyway, $20,000 plus later I got my divorce. Why so much? My ex fought me on every single issue, causing delays repeated court appearances, and so on and so fourth. He was right, every one was wrong even his own father who represented him. My ex did eventually fire his own father then went through two my attorneys. Even the court appointed magistrate at 1 or 2 sessions told him off. That was a proud moment/victory for all victims of NPD. Unfortunately, my oldest son has the same traits as his father and shortly after my divorce was finale, became estranged from me and his only brother who has been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. I’m still standing, like the song I get knocked down but I get back up again. I’m mad as hell and broken hearted at my older son but I am extremely grateful that my younger son is doing very well and will be attending graduate school in the fall. Get yourself a good attorney and tell right him/her right up front prepare for battle, that your husband has a narcissistic personality. You will survive it, then you finally get to live. Best Wishes.

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      • July 4, 2018 at 9:24 am

        Hi Irene, firstly I am so sorry for what you have been through and congratulations for getting out of such a relationship. I’m not a psychologist but just wanted you to know that from what I have heard, people who have been around this type of abuse often have Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder/Response [cptsd or cptsr] which can be misdiagnosed as Bipolar. Just in case you didn’t know, it might help your younger son. I think it is very sad when people are diagnosed as having a disorder when really they are responding in a fairly typical way adverse conditions. And it is treatable. All the best for the future x

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    • December 21, 2018 at 2:35 pm

      Hi…..just wanted to say that I am in agreeable with you on telling a Narc they are a Narc but not for them purposes. Your story sounds like my story for the most part. I am so glad I come across your comment cuz I feel alone at times even though I know I’m not. I’ve often felt that telling my husband he was a Narc was the right thing to do as well as tell others around me in a subtle manner. I guess it depends on how violent it can be for someone to be in fear of sharing that a spouse or loved one is Narcissistic. But I truly feel that telling others what the problem is only helps whether it be in the here and now or future. That’s exactly what Narcs don’t want to happen……find out about fake phasod they portray. Then again I cld be wrong but it has worked for me and glad I did. Wish it cld have been sooner. I’ve been married 20 yrs and known him since 3rd grade. Always known he had issues and deep issues at that but never knew it was Narcissism and it wld never get better. This blew me out of the water learning that there was no helping a Narc be a better version of themself. Always assumed that anyone cld be helped therapuetically as long as they recognized or wanted the help. After I educating myself on this around 2015 / 2014 I was kind of relieved and at peace with it. A lot of questions answered and explained behaviors he displayed as well as learning about myself and my co-dependency and being an empathic person. W O W….
      Just W O W…..talk about an emotional rollercoaster and some confusion that surfaces in trying to understand it. I understand it quite well, especially, when I see this in other families but being inside the box makes it so damn confusing. Wishing it wasn’t true and trying to wrap my head around the fact that my 20 yrs of marriage was/is fake nothing more than an appliance and fuel for him. My needs are mute and always have been. Looking back I’m not quite sure how I’ve dealt with all that I’ve endured…..basically walked on eggshells daily all day and night being someone I wasn’t. I was not my authentic self and hated where I was, my marriage my life and him. We have two boys together and I have a daughter and two grandkids that are such blessings. They are all my life and love them with all that I have. My two boys age 19 and 15 are autistic. They are on the severe end of the spectrum with severe sensory issues and all that coincides this diagnosis…..they are day and night with these issues. One is non-verbal and the other is seminonverbal. We are almost totally toilet trained. It’s been a journey all by itself with all kinds of emotions and feelings on top of this thing called LIFE…..narcissism, etc. This all took me down a dark path and thought I’d never see the light again. Thank God for my mother, sister, daughter and friends that help get me into rehab. This was a true blessing in disguise and learned about myself again and opened my heart to Jesus and was saved which was the very best part of it all. While in rehab the counselors told me they thought husband was Narcissistic but I ignored this and I’m not sure why…..just scared I guess. They even gave me literature to educate myself on it and we discussed in classes too but I wldnt even go there. So wish I wld have been open minded to the subject and educated myself on it while I was there. There wldve been all kinds of help and many women to lean on but I did not. Not until a few years ago and I’ve been alone in learning most of it. To this day its mind blowing and don’t quite know what to think really. I do know that I refuse to spend the rest of my life in this situation because there isn’t any getting better at all. I see that and I see how its sucking the life out of me. I want peace and comfort and understanding in my life and for the boys lives. That’s not much to ask for but I bring a full time mom to my boys and not able to work……I think wow how will I make it and provide for my boys. We aren’t rich now and struggle. Plus I think of all the bullsh*t I’ll be facing from husband and everything that falls under Narcissism that WILL BE APPLIED…..TOTALLY EXHAUSTS ME AND MY MIND. THEN I PUT IT OFF EVEN LONGER IN LEAVING HIM. I know these are excuses maybe but it is what it is and I can’t see past it or I can see past it and TO BE AT PEACE AND COMFORT IN THE FUTURE IS THE BEST THOUGHT EVER BUT…….HOW??????
      I guess that’s my question here….how to even begin and be motivated. I have had sort of a plan but …… idk……tired of living fear that I can’t make and seeing the struggle. I’m tired in more ways than one but I know something has to give. Thank you for listening to me and sharing your story. It so helped me to get some of mine out there. There is so much more too that I didn’t share but….this is a start maybe!!!! If you have any advice for me…..I’d sure appreciate it and be most thankful!!!
      Thank you for your time and inspiration
      💜💜💜

      Reply
  • March 14, 2018 at 4:01 pm

    As a friend once told me: RUN. Run as far and as fast as you can from these people. It is heartbreaking when this involves your family members but they are one step short of Sociopaths. Count your blessings if you can get untangled from whatever web they have weaved into your life. In our case it was my brother who we paid dearly to get out of a business nightmare. They don’t live in the same “world”. As soon as you think you can have a sane conversation with them you will be sucked into the same quagmire all over again. The only way is to stay away. In our case he has destroyed his own family, almost bankrupted my parents and nearly destroyed my family. Now he’s moved on and found himself a new family to work on. I am just cringing because I tried to tell her but she would have none of it. It’s just a matter of time until it happens all over again.

    Reply
  • March 16, 2018 at 1:10 pm

    Going through some real crape right now and I definitely need to read these stories to help validate the stuff I am experiencing. Thanks for sharing

    Reply
    • September 1, 2018 at 11:51 pm

      I’m going through the same with my only child who’s nearly 40. His wife just divorced him , taking their two sons ages 10 & 12. ( My only grandchildren). My husband ,my son’s father died 17 years ago & I was a big enabler to my son after that . I realized he was a narc 6 years ago but kept enabling him thinking he would change but he worsened. I fully understand his narc mind is why he lost his wife & son’s Thank God they left, but now his strongest narc ways are toward me with heavy verbal text & phone abuse. I just moved 5 hrs from him which has helped me tremendously & today in our phone conversation after much verabal abuse from him I told him he was a narc and sent him the definition by text. He responded to me that I was a nut job & he was blocking me on his phone which he will soon, “unblock” me b/c he’s the one who can’t go a single day w/o terrorizing me , typical narc behavior !! I feel so relieved I’ve told him & have prepared myself to severe our mother/son relationship for my survival. I’m past the hurt & realize it’s past time to take care of me ( 66y.o) . I’ll be going to therapy for support , focusing on my Grandsons &forever reading these post . It’s by the grace of God I found this sight ! Good luck to everyone in this group .

      Reply
  • March 25, 2018 at 12:21 am

    Thank you all for having the strength to speak about this. My heart aches for all of you. All of us. I spent 44 years kowtowing. Nearly destroyed me. Fortunately I have a loving husband and he and the kids are the only family that matters. Sadly, I don’t have relationships with cousins I truly miss. The vilification of me has spread far and wide. All I can add is to agree with everyone. Find a therapist. It’s not your fault. I actually live in peace now. Thank you all.

    Reply
  • March 28, 2018 at 7:01 pm

    Thank you for your article. I have to read these once in a while to remind myself why I stay away from my family.
    I’m the youngest of three girls. My oldest sister is a narcissist/sociopath. I was her focused target growing up. Her manipulating skills were mastered at a young age and she had both of my parents brainwashed early on. My other sister and I paid the price emotionally; we were always so confused why everything revolved around our oldest sisters moods, lies, silent treatments, etc… On top of emotional problems, she enjoyed physically hurting me and my own mother was afraid to tell her to stop. It took a gymnastic teacher stepping in to tell my mother that she better do something.
    One of the worst things for me is I learned about NPD too late in life. I grew up thinking I was always doing something wrong, because why would my oldest sister automatically hate me? And since my parents did nothing – I became lost in life and made many mistakes that set me back. It took many years of therapy to finally discover the truth to it all.
    The very worst part is that my family is a complete mess. Everyone has been pitted against each other, by her of course. I moved far away and went to ‘no contact’ – and I’ve had to go to ‘almost no contact’ with everyone else too. It’s a very sad situation. I’ve thought about exposing her like you did with your website – but I honestly don’t think it would help anyone. My heart goes out to all that have to put up with a narcissist.

    Reply
  • March 29, 2018 at 7:31 am

    Narcissists are everywhere. Especially in the workplace. Most employers are narcissists that seek to have employees as yesmin and verbally abused them. Standing up to your employer and telling him or her to her face that you are not there yes man is a good thing to do because it does not allow the narcissist employer to walk over top of you.

    Reply
    • June 1, 2018 at 9:45 am

      I did this and they started proceedings to fire me. Basically if you want to work for a big company you take the shit they throw at you or you leave. While you work for them you are their bitch, and they can step on you as much as they want (within the bounds of the law ofc).

      I chose to leave instead and now I’m working my own business. Pay is less but the freedom to be my own boss is priceless.

      Reply
  • July 28, 2018 at 1:02 am

    Congrats to you. I assume that took some courage to do. But I think you did the right thing for yourself. Congrats again!

    Reply
  • August 8, 2018 at 12:48 am

    It is an unconcious precess why somebody or some people are attracted by narcissists. You can get used to it cause you don”t know how they are and hope they”ll get better but in the long run you get isolated and have to know how these people are and won”t change their deep preinted patterns in behavior that is written in stone. You must have no selfdoubt, and be sure of your self, and have good trust in your self and be happy positive and feel good no one can take away form you when you are positive. it sounds simple because you are not happy in that relationship. Knowing the do”s and the don”ts when you are dealing with them I never thought that they would be so. The first impression of that person is the best. When it looks too good to be true and their aura looks light but is dark inside. I hope that people understand and that there is solidarity and equal rights like feminists and people who are fighting for human rights reach people who are alone in this process and that is alienated to live without [people who don”t understand your feelings and deeper needs. I hope that they will isolate them before it gets innocent people. .

    Reply
  • August 13, 2018 at 3:11 pm

    Growing up my parents had a tumultuous life. I later found my mother had borderline personality disorder then later dementia. My first wife is passive aggressive. Again I did not know until years later. My son developed schizophrenia and he is ok now. My daughter married a narcissist and is now divorced with twin babies. I was because of my son I went back to school to finish my degree in psychology. That is when things became clear. I believe that narcissism develops at home by an overbearing parent that won’t let the narcissist have their own desires, opinions, or feelings. I also believe that the narcissist is uncurable because if they were to understand their illness it would destroy them.

    Reply
  • September 3, 2018 at 4:14 pm

    My narcissistic sister once gave me the DSM-IV. i saw it at her place and asked to borrow it. That night I found the narcissistic disorder and my world changed. Now I had a word for it. I knew something was wrong with her (verified too by my other sister who had dealt with her in the past, and broke off with her, but I wasn’t around at that time so I didn’t know what it was about). She called me later and begged me not to read the book, saying that some people who read symptoms would start to suspect themselves of having them and she didn’t want me to do that! She was absolutely frantic and sweating, so I told her I wouldn’t read it (it was better not to tell her i had already read it. i don’t know what she would have done). My guess is she knew she could be thought of as a narcissist. or something. really, i don’t know, but what am i supposed to think? As I’ve said before, I believe they know exactly what they are. I’m sure they don’t like the label “narcissist.” They prefer the label, “Superior.”

    Reply
  • September 14, 2018 at 2:23 pm

    My name is Ed, my story is one I would describe as Malignant. My father was diagnosed as having a neurotic personality with psychotic episodes. Which means at one point we were with in three minutes from death. We barely escaped with our lives and actually passed him as he was driving to our house to pull off his delusional dream. He had procured and gun and three bullets to kill my mother, brother and myself. But this is not my story, because years later I met the love of my life and we have been married for (47) forty seven years. Also, I am a retired counselor with a masters degree and 35 years experience. But her father was Full Blown Narcissist and I had to endure his relentless wrath and ridicule for (4) four long years. When we would have dinner at their house (command performance) I would be seated in the least desirable place with my napkin wadded up in an obvious wad for all to see. And, endure the the tirades this less than human would begin to bestow on me. Why didn’t I just leave-good question- young, naive and madly in love. But, I never succumbed to his desires for total domination and humiliation. I walked my own path. Today I watch as those siblings that tried to please him try to put their lives back together. Fortunes lost on material thing which sole purpose was to please him. A engineer daughter who can not hold a job -play the white elephant game at Christmas because fear of failure. A nine year old granddaughter with digestive problems stemming from expectations she doesn’t understand much less can live up to. And, this is just the beginning. Narcissist fear one thing and that is force.I still wish today at 70 years of age I had taken him in the yard and beaten the Living Hell out of him!!! I promise you that is the only and best thearpy for the ruthless Bastards!!!!!

    Reply
  • October 8, 2018 at 1:40 am

    I also told 1 narc that he was a narc because he broke my phone twice in 1 week because I didn’t want to give him incentives instead of validation. He was sending me pictures of other girls, trying to make me jealous and he said that I should get breast implants. I thought he was stupid, he got angry because I didn’t reply to his app messages every 15 minutes and after that, he breaks my phone. How am I suppose to send you a Whatsapp message if you break my phone? Anyway, the second time he did that, in 1 week, I got so angry that I packed up my stuff and left, I wasn’t allowed to leave, he blocked the door, I shouted that he was a narc. All of the sudden he was fake nice, but the weeks before that, he made me come late for my driver’s licenses exam by manipulating me into giving my laptop to him, he gave it back all of the sudden there was a virus, I got into trouble at school because all my projects were gone. It is very stressful to be friends with a narc, don’t do it, such attention whoring people. He also asked for money all the time but he was going to bars all the time and he owned more expensive things. I lived with my parents and I had no car, he would make fun of that, meanwhile asking for money. I rather have zero friends than a narc friend. Why would I love a narc? What have they ever done for me? He responded by ignoring me for a couple of months after that he came back. I am never going back.

    Reply
  • December 8, 2018 at 2:47 pm

    I dated a textbook narc prone to classic raging (of which I had never experienced before). He is extremely intelligent and talented. It took me a month or so to figure out what was happening. He was an expert gas lighter (again something I never experienced before). As I was breaking off the relationship after 7 months of dating, I informed him that he was a narc with classic rages. I also called his bluff on the gas lighting. This genius of a man proceeded to say to me that he had no idea what a narc was nor did he understand “gas lighting”! My response? I told the liar to look it up!

    Reply
  • December 10, 2018 at 4:38 pm

    Thanks for your blog and all. Just wish to tell you that my life begang the day I decided to divorce. I put an end to 20 years of suffering and emotional agony. I did not know anything about what a narcissist is and during av 26 mont two round trial I am happy to tell that I got three of our four kids out of her control. Now there is a thriller about the fourth child.
    I don’t hate her, I don’t feel anger, i don’t seek revenge for what she did to me for 20 years and to our four kids. She is from what I see just a error of the evolution. Just a derailed trainset.
    Thanks for your work bringing light to the subject.

    Reply
  • December 14, 2018 at 12:33 pm

    I originally stumbled across this website by chance. I had happened upon the “good vs bad…” article. I was rocked by the Recognition grabbing at my heart as I read it. Tears flowing involuntarily & head shaking “YES!” as I finished reading it. And What I refer to as , my light. All but popping out of my chest. Like it does when it senses true beauty & inner goodness in another person. Appreciating the granite reference…knowing the price we’ve each paid for our own “granite”. This post today grabbed my attention because I am currently trying to gather my strength & convince myself that going ahead with getting an order of protection against an individual is my only option I’ve left. This person has been horribly harassing me for the last 6 mo’s. Because I chose to stop believing the lies & ended our relationship. My “granite” has been my one saving grace. It has been the reason I’ve withstood the onslaught of evil attacks meant to hurt me. I’ve tried to be the bigger person. I’ve cut off all contact. I’ve not responded to mind blowing depths of accusations flung at me. Realizing of course they are not true. And seeing them clearly as the evil tactics of a horrible person. The few times I broke my silence were only to say STOP. & leave me alone. I’ve watched the nonstop evolution of insanity that all took place with absolutely no “input” from myself. Though he claims to be the “victim” the entire time. To the extent of creating screenshots of text messages I had sent to him. Containing horrible things that I would never say! I have my phone records proving I sent nothing. His tactics mirror those spoken of here to a T! I’ve been reluctant to proceed with legal action for fear. That given an actual “true” reason….he will NEVER stop. I will always have to deal with this BS! He is currently on probation & will most likely violate as a result. Going to prison for 10+ years. Theres no telling what he will do to retaliate for that! He has twisted every possible angle using painful events in my life. Has tried to humiliate me publicly by putting my picture & info on a STD Givers website. Then posting a copy on the comments board of a local business in my small community. It was immediately taken off by kind & wonderful neighbors. (I haven’t had the strengh to google myself… sigh). But I am humiliated nonetheless. I have tried to block him on every electronic avenue. I have over 40 blocked numbers & email addresses. I am at my breaking point. He just won’t stop. I’ve concluded trying to confront & reason with a compulsive liar is pointless. The probability for backfire is just too great. Yet my own self respect cries out for justice. Why do they get away with it?! Why should a horrible person who falsely claims he has “ lung cancer” or maliciously seeks to hurt others. Solely for his own sadistic thrill. Why can’t he be stopped?. Why can’t I stop him?! Without harming myself any further…. (sigh). I’m sorry I’ve digressed & lost my original intent for posting. But Thanks for listening.& thank you for sharing yours. …. My heart goes out to all of you who suffer too. Xo

    Reply
  • January 24, 2019 at 8:54 pm

    I just wanted you to know that this article helped me take a few things into consideration regarding who I’m dealing with. I was going to send him a link on it but he would some how turn it on me, become a victim again or completely miss the point. So I think I’ll just leave it alone.

    Reply
  • February 18, 2020 at 6:24 pm

    I have written a lot on quora.com about my narcissistic mother in law, where I and my multi-handicapped daughter were her continual targets. My husband refused to stand up for us, so after her putting my daughter down for years (a vulnerable child!), I was forced to stand up for her, I told my MIL that if she didn’t stop tormenting her, I would tell her the complete truth about herself, and it wouldn’t be pretty at all. It worked! It just shows you how they can dish it out in spades, but their very fragile egos won’t permit hearing anything negative about themselves. I really had no other option but to do that. I have since quit quora.com, because people have told me that I did that wrong thing in several occasions, and I know nothing about anything. Read my profile and content, I think they are narcissists themselves! I had to protect my daughter.

    Reply
  • March 1, 2020 at 6:59 am

    Leanora,
    I too come from a family of controlling sicko narcopathic parents .
    Mine are and people they are bad people really bad people . Things they have done like break the law by making false reports to authorities ;; and even worse ,,, child medical neglect ( leaving me with Strep throat for two years untreated Lyme disease after being biten by a tick which dear old dad actually saw since he picked it off of me ) leaving me sick For another year after the doctor said she needs her tonsils out they are too infected to heal with antibiotics .. this was total child neglect . Imagine growing up becoming a parent and doing it the exact opposite of how they treated me . Totally loving supporting caring protecting .. a great mother then imagine she comes along and wants to project her sick parenting qualities and actions onto me even going so far as to write to cps and write down actual things she did to me as a child ( throwing shoes and toys making the child afraid yelling )
    I was reading the complaint and it was actual things I went through as a child when she was the tormenting abuser . Like bashing me over the head with a hair brush instead of brushing it like normal mothers each day before school .( and yes I did stop letting her hit me by hiding the brushes )

    The pain caused by her projecting herself onto me was something so deep it made me angry I was like “ how dare you try to make me into you and act like you have been a good parent ?”

    It’s completely sickening . Thank God I still have a good close relationship with my daughter and those things she said were disputed but the fact that people will just lie and the courts actually take kids and they end up being badly abused is something in this country we need to wake up to and swiftly and sharply make some penalties if knowingly lied to get someone hurt

    your family knew where you lives some of us have to keep our life a total secret from them especially if our life is great productive happy and our children are loved and cared for .
    The parents like I have want to come for the children the grandkids and cause division . Of course they claim to be such concerned people yet the fact they don’t offer themselves To become caretakers Should be a red flag . They don’t want the children they just don’t want me to have my own children .
    I have heard my dad say what a great mother I am cook keep a nice home( he would never praise me as being a great employee or anything Job wise as he tried his whole life to keep me financially dependent )
    But in the blink of an eye if sicko mom wants to hurt me badly she goes for the fake complaints about me dad is right by her side agreeing with the false narrative of who I am as a mother and forgetting all the compliments that came before .
    She would control him then let her lies get on top of those wanting to kidnap kids for no reason and it’s happening so much in the country . So many people are having kids taken over false reporting and even when it is proven to come from a sick family member once they intervene they never give a child back never and then those children end up in homes where they are being raped beaten and even killed .
    When their real parents want and love them and until the narc grandparents spread a smear campaign nothing was ever an issue .
    They have more power than any agency in the country and the narcopaths know this .
    Your family knows you have a supportive husband but some do not have that and look to the courts for help and protection and the courts are mainly now handing kids over to the abusers in most cases where a man contests custody it is this thought that the man is good he wants to care as a father . But the truth is these men ( and yes it happens both ways but in this response I’m using a man as an example ) the men are the abusing spouse and the narcopath and he wants to harm the spouse by Using the child /
    We as a society need to wake up and realize yes people do do things like that . We can’t keep everyone on the honor system . Most judges feel if someone is accused of something they are guilty until being proved innocent yet even in the face of a lie etc.:: they most often will side with the abusing spouse over the overcoming female that just wanted to protect herself and her children
    You can see how hard it is for people that both parents as narcs and then a spouse what she is up against with protecting the children . I was always safe when parents didn’t know where I lived or when I got married and had a child . I actually got married and had my daughter and didn’t tell them a thing /
    That is the only way I can keep my child safe is to have zero conversations or any contact whatsoever with them .
    We both have narc parents and the insanity they are willing to place upon their adult children is a burden and is completely insane to actually be afraid of people believing them over me is something they are very adept at ..
    If anything I learned from your experience of them wanting to control the blog Is you still felt they could be helped and you wanted to help them which is normal for a caring person to do .
    Of course that reaction is normal in narc mothers that how dare you say something is wrong with them ,,, we will just destroy your blog , take over your blog , and make sure bad information doesn’t come out about them. In that regard they all are the same they need to be better than you at all times and this blog was taking that away from them /

    And this is such a good example of the insanity of the behavior of narcs and you did expose them even more by their reaction ,, yep u gave a reaction of a narcisssit and this is great proof of the demands they wanted you to meet

    Reply
  • March 2, 2020 at 10:45 pm

    I have been involved with a narcissist. I lived and dated him. It was a painful experience. And I learned by research what a Narcissistic Personality Disorder was. After not seeing him for six years I contacted him and we spent two days together. His toxic nature had not changed. he was wonderful for 1 day and on the second his rage and belittling of me occured. I told them in written letters the evening he left my company what NDP is and what they do, and why I would not let him. hurt me again. I intended to inform him and help them. I think it is the least I could do, considering I care for him and for my sake will distance myself from him, and hope that he does choose to find help and become more self-aware. If they do not, so be it. If he does one day, do then perhaps something of benefit to him and his future well-being will occur. I do not regret informing them of what an NPD is and what type of therapy there is also. After all to try to help someone is a decent thing to do.

    Reply
  • July 13, 2020 at 6:12 am

    my dad one night “what’s gaslighting?” I explained the most basic form of denying actual happenstance. for 2 hrs demeaning things under his breath then claiming he hadent said anything. They open my mail they hijack my accounts hold my mail sign my name on documents. Recently even a check from my mail. their mold problem spread to my apt and I stupidly moved back in.. as it was pro confirmed. 8mo later they changed lock. They still haven’t dealt with the mold now I’m being bounced hotels after being financially exhausted 8 months bleeding at my apartment before hand. What happened was the cat had died that we had got in 2001 when I was still in junior high. When traveling to their house to spend time with him before he died I often slept on the moldy basement carpet. 3 months into hotels they take the car from the lot might have been destroyed stranded me without food then use the forced conditional threat to get an emergency mental hold. which was bs.. dependent on cab driver picking me up 530pm from hotel lot and then being like gee this guy is doing pep demolition in a middle class residential neigborhood at 6pm on a Wed but needed a sledge hammer first? it was conditional to bringing the car back so I could get food. car was back at 6 4 hrs later I get blocked into hotel lot by police. Forced into an ambulance which is probably a violation of state law because it doesn’t fit either type of the emergency medical hold on books. little did I know 50ft of wall 1500sq of carpet and pad is being pro remediated while a doc in a mental ward hears me say hey I have communications with the mold Pro they hired and documents from the extermination at the apartments I was just at before living with them on my phone” “patients arnt allowed phones on the ward” (redacted) for delusions of mold and bugs…

    uh.. medical ethics.. that’s hard evidence. further evidence was bleeding and sever eye irritation for 8mo at apt 8 at their house. stopped week 1 at hotel

    I knew I also had pics of the mold and bugs and forgot I had my rabbits vet convinced there was environmental small biting something on my email..

    forgot the last bit but loved psych and have read on my own outside of the college course I took.. knew what eckbons/matchbox syndrome was so figgured stick with expert testimony lest pics be compatible to samples. didn’t fricking mater..

    now caughing up black crap with ehr stating..

    my mom is an np and for 8mo threatened to throw me in a mental ward or she will get me medicated for my delusions

    40 years in med world she might have known the doc. if so it’s also possible he meant no harm. aka was acting on what he assumed was valid info from her. still not very ethicly OK if that is the case

    also seems to be no consideration for the juxtaposition of forced med holds and rx kickbacks.. aka your Jailer might get a pharma bonus for finding something worthy or writing a script.

    Reply
 

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