Comments on
Should Narcissists Be Told They’re Narcissists?

The debate rages. Should those with Narcissistic Personality Disorder be told they’re narcissists…or not!?! As Shakespeare put it,

“To tell, or not to tell- that is the question:
Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outraged narcissists
Or to go No Contact against a sea of troubles,

10 thoughts on “Should Narcissists Be Told They’re Narcissists?

  • May 6, 2017 at 12:19 pm

    Absolute waste of time trying to communicate in any way shape or form…

    • May 7, 2017 at 9:33 am

      Totally agree Mame, I made the fatal mistake of not going no contact and telling my ex she was a narc and that I saw through her mask and boy, did I pay the price! These people do not play by the normal rules of life. Their fear that an ex could expose them to their flying monkeys is literally life threatening to them and they will leave no stone unturned in trying to destroy you. STAY AWAY! Have absolutely NOTHING to do with them. Spend your time and effort with good, normal people.

      • May 21, 2017 at 10:12 pm

        Hello Mark. I agree with your statements. My father is a covert narcissist. I prefer the term malignant narcissist as it describes him better. It is an absolute waste of time telling a narcissist what they truly are. First of all, they could not care less what you have to say, such as long as they have you as an audience. Second, they cannot even begin to fathom the thought they may be flawed, even though they give flawed a new meaning. And third, I have had better success reasoning with my dog. I told my father he is a narcissist, and immediately after he went off about something completely different. Spare yourselves the effort, as you will have a more effective conversation with a brick wall.

      • June 14, 2017 at 10:48 am

        It’s interesting that you felt you could change these people by educating them. My ex was a narcissistic, gas lighting but very subtle bully. In my journey to learn that I was not the crazy one, I also learned that we can never control nor change another person. We can only change our own reactions to that person and stand up to them and/or drop them from our lives. I understand wanting them to realize the hurt they caused, wanting them to apologize, wanting them to be better and be a family that truly loves one another. It ain’t going to happen! That’s part of being a narcissist, they are never wrong. You’ll be a much happier person if you could just let it go.

  • July 24, 2017 at 8:27 pm

    I am truly grateful for these articles Lenora, as I finally “fired over the bow” of the covert narcissist with whom I’ve been involved for four years. I conducted a litmus test of my own today, her reaction was textbook, and I told her as much, though I didn’t explain what textbook exactly and she didn’t ask. Her last text to me was “I’m done with your games”, and the expected silent treatment went into effect. It’s going to be a long, difficult recovery, even after months of prepping myself with articles such as yours, but I think I can really go No Contact and stay No Contact this time. I’ve tried and failed so many times, but that was before the “eureka” moment when I learned I was dealing with one of the best of the best covert narcissists anyone could have the misfortune of knowing. Thank you again.

  • February 15, 2018 at 1:15 am

    I’ve just finished reading your 2 articles on “Should narcissists be told…” and what happened when you did. And then I read the comments here. I feel the pain and raw tears in my belly of recognition. And the guilt-tinted hint of freedom from bondage I feel, due to identifying with everyone’s experience. Also a hesitant confidence in myself from realizing that – quite likely – I diagnosed and treated correctly the family disease to which I was exposed. “No Contact” may be the best choice I could have made. Increasingly it became my only true choice, the others would lead to more harm. Although it feels darkly empty to realize how unloved I am by my family, and how unimportant, I know it’s up to me to reparent myself, and treat myself with the true love, compassion and respect that was missing.

    Because no one else is going to do it for me, and no one else could, anyway.

    I extend my warmth, empathy and heart to all of you, that we may all heal from this and find what we need, in great abundance, within.

    May each of us come to realize the truth… We are whole. And complete. And to experience it glowing within us fully and igniting it all around us, in others.

    • May 4, 2018 at 5:56 pm


      I wish you the very best on your journey toward self love. Recovery from narcissistic behavior is never easy and I myself am now going through it. I thought I was in a loving 10 year relationship and thought my descent into madness was due to the extreme love I felt for my partner. I now know she was gaslighting me and enjoyed every minute she kept me unbalanced. We’re not yet no contact but while things are winding down I’m going as gray rock as possible around her. I know how much it hurts to know the love was never true on her end and that she wore a mask the whole time we’ve been together. I take some consolation in knowing that for me, the love was real and that there were so many little things I enjoyed about her and in being with her. I take with me the knowledge that I am a mentally healthy human being with real emotions and that no matter what, I will love again and this next time the love will truly be returned. Peace to you Michael.

  • April 26, 2018 at 4:08 pm

    Hi am having a hard time reading these articles as they are somewhat tongue in cheek humor but I get the gist of the idea. I am facing, for the first time in 28 years, that I’m married to a narcissist. I probably share some of these qualities w/him as well (as ACOA daughter) but he has true case of it it appears – but I never saw it. Ever. Discovering, completely by fluke accident, that he was having an affair for almost two years and the fallout from that brought it out. It was literally hiding in plain sight because he’s so charming, accomplished, seemingly sensitive and aware but there’s also the gas lighting (which happened tons when affair was accidentally discovered by me- I had no clue it was going on nor did I suspect him) and subtle forms of bullying and more. He has a lot of his narcissistic qualities in check or suppressed but his affair brought them out full blown. Now he’s “working on it” thru form of therapy called IFS (Internal Family Systems) but I’m not sure how that philosophy deals with narcissism. I’d like to know how other people have dealt with a narcissist who has been cheating and involved with another narcissist (his affair partner) and post cheating life. We are together for now due to completed issues with our children (More later on that.) I’m not worried about my safety but I’m using my Al Anon recovery (for first time) to build healthier boundaries around him. I was very co-dependent with him, met him young and only now am I seeing who he really is; I did lots of care taking and nuturing of him, our family and his career but he wanted sex (who doesn’t?) and due to our diminished sex life in middle age and with two needy kids (again, more on that later) the other ways I was warm and caring to him meant not so much – to him. So he found an on-line and then in person emotional/physical partner. BTW, he was having this affair – yes – while our young adult daughter was fighting cancer (yes!! She’s ok for now) and our younger son has a disability (autism). I’m the 98% care taker and advocate for our son and work my butt off to make his life better but even that didn’t keep him loyal. I would not be surprised if we eventually split up that the worst of his narcissism will rear its ugly head. He has admitted to having some narcissistic qualities but that’s about it. He comes from rage-a-holics and toxic family – they don’t have chemical dependence – they are just mean. And they have no problem calling me selfish and self – absorbed. Thoughts on infidelity in marriage to narcissist and separation/divorce from one? Anyone? The big question: are narcissists able to be loyal???? LOYAL! (I’m thinking probably not.) Thanks for all these articles and the ones here on “how alcoholics and narcissists are similar” and “why daughters who aren’t loved are attracted to narcissists” – both spot on. Peace to all. MollyM

  • June 9, 2018 at 2:37 pm

    “Or is it merely my marriage that now gives my boundaries validity whereas as a single woman I didn’t deserve boundaries!?”

    I think you got it. Nail/hammer/head.

    Attaching oneself to a man absolutely gives validity to women’s boundaries that they would otherwise have.

    Great observation.

    • July 6, 2018 at 11:41 pm

      I think it’s more animalistic… the male is the protector which makes the deep down, chicken-hearted narcissist run away. Or simpler, the husband is someone they know they have no power over.


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