25 thoughts on “Projection: Narcissists’ Favorite Trick

  • September 12, 2016 at 5:50 am

    100% fact. I was accused of using my son “to get back with his mum”, when in fact, the replacement narc supply used the pregnancy to get with the narc in the first place. ‘A’ grade projectionist right there. He used my unborn son as a pawn, and accused me of the immoral low dog act.

    Reply
  • September 13, 2016 at 2:41 am

    Hi Lenora, great post. I totally agree with you.

    A projection is an unconscious defense mechanism in which the individual ejects aggressive, negative feelings and thoughts on to another person. Narcissists are constantly projecting feelings that they cannot tolerate out rather than turning inward, identifying that they are projecting and owning what they have done.

    The narcissist creates his own world. Everything revolves around him/her. He believes that he is the initiator and master of his personal and professional domain.

    Respond to the narcissist’s psychological abuse by practicing ways to remain calm, separate, mentally clear and discerning and focused in dealing with these individuals. Consistent meditation practice is a form of keeping the mind calm and strong.

    The practice of yoga is another way of deflecting narcissistic abuse. The discipline of these practices builds a flexible, grounded, intuitive person. You are a separate solid human being.

    I write a lot of tips on my website too “freeitout.com”. glad sometimes you can visit.

    Reply
    • September 18, 2016 at 6:10 pm

      … or you can simply throw them out of your home and your life. Doesn’t matter, family or no.

      Reply
  • September 14, 2016 at 3:21 am

    How to help a child who is the scapegoat for his Narcissistic mother ? He is 10 and very depressed. Someone reported her abuse to social services, but they did nothing because this attractive mother is a successful professional who has the charm to make you think she is the perfect mother. Her passive husband has mind blindness, and participates in the abuse to his son. He is brainwashed too! The child couldn’t disclose to social services, either because he doesn’t know his treatment is abuse, or he is too afraid to speak up. He has PTSD, and battered child syndrome. Why aren’t schools more educated about this since children like this live in social isolation, and school is usually their only resource.

    Reply
    • September 14, 2016 at 11:34 am

      It always makes me sad to hear these things and obviously you want to help but don’t know where to turn; I don’t know how well you know this poor child but if you do know him quite well and he would talk to you perhaps you could give him the number of Childline if there is something like it where you live? They will listen to him and it may help build up his confidence to be able to disclose the abuse to someone like a teacher, who HAS to act on the disclosure in accordance to their institution’s Child Protection Policy and Procedure. If the disclosure is coming from the child via a known professional adult, Social Services will be obliged to to take it seriously,or they have to in the U.K., anyway.
      I am so sorry I couldn’t help more and hope and pray the lad gets the help he needs.Thank God he has you, you care enough about him to reach out for help!

      Reply
      • September 18, 2016 at 6:10 pm

        I think the best approach would be to get the authorities, meaning police, involved somehow. Narcissists indeed create their own realities, usually very dysfunctional realities filled with people subservient to their authority. A visit from society’s authority can be eye opening. I had an incident a few months ago when due to a big miscommunication issue one of our children ran away to a local park and somehow was brought home by the police. We didn’t even know they were gone, only half an hour had passed. After a few minutes talking with me, the police realized nothing was wrong, but still were required to spend a certain amount of time with us before they could release our child. They were also required to investigate the perceived fear seen when they first spoke with our child. Much ado about nothing, but it had a profound effect on us and gave me a first hand experience with the bounds of parental authority.

        Maybe a talk with police, who will see the narcissistic behavior of that parent immediately, will help them realize what they’re doing. I’ve know many narcissists and some realize what they’re doing but are by nature numb to it; they’re all very lacking in the empathy department. Some seem to get better with time; some never change, some get worse!

        Reply
      • December 4, 2016 at 3:35 pm

        Neither the teacher, social services, or the police helped this child. These agencies are not trained to recognize emotional abuse from chronic traumatic stress in families with the alcoholic/workaholic dynamic.

        Reply
    • September 20, 2016 at 2:14 pm

      Mimi, I’m 35 and every word of this is my childhood. I made it through mostly intact, at least I feel I have my co-narcissistic traits under control and rarely suffer from memories of the past. I never had an adult advocate, if some angel came along perhaps i wouldn’t have been depressed for so many years (through early 20’s). These people are extremely dangerous and believe they are doing the right thing, be careful especially if you’re non-family. I think some adults tried to help me to no avail.

      Reply
  • September 14, 2016 at 1:26 pm

    And here is the rub. Narcissistic individuals are good at their trade. So good they can fool anyone including parents, bosses, co-workers, doctors, close friends. husband/wife and children for years. So, I have to say ‘they’ are 100 percent believable…absolutely! Plus, most people will agree wholeheartedly with the Narcissist and view you as the villain.

    For example, I dated a man for two and a half years. Then was married. It took about two weeks after the honeymoon and he completely changed. Like Jekyll and Hyde. After three years we separated. I ask you, how can anyone present themselves for such long periods of time in a manner that is opposite of their true selves…never missing a step.

    Reply
    • September 15, 2016 at 4:39 am

      At least you were able to get out after 3 years. The same thing happened to me, but I stayed for 24 years. I think that miserable existence was “normal” for me since I grew up in a codependent family. I think that personality disorders and the underlying anxiety/mood disorders lead to codependency. I became the caretaker (enabler) for a Narcissistic (emotionally childlike) husband. It took a long time for me to understand how codependency causes mental stagnation and denigration, and the feeling of being trapped. It was only after I was divorced that I gained awareness about codependency and ACoA Trauma syndrome. I think codependency has become epidemic in the US because anxiety disorder has become epidemic.

      Reply
      • September 18, 2016 at 2:13 am

        It took me 12 years to realize that’s what I was dealing with, and another 5 to get out.
        It was easy to figure out once he started saying I was crazy and I noticed him blatantly telling my kids not to listen to my patenting because I didn’t know what I was talking about.
        My kids’ dad is very VERY emotionally and physically abusive, causing PTSD among other things.
        I wasn’t convinced that I was certifiable or that I deserved him trying to have me committed so I even started regularly seeing a psychiatrist and recording conversations with my partner to convince myself I hadn’t imagined everything he said or did, since he had convinced me that was why I was crazy.
        I finally got away from him a little over a year ago. He still acts like we’re together even though he’s living with his girlfriend of 1 year. I’m thinking she hasn’t been as easy to manipulate so he wants to come back to what he thinks he’s got in the bag.
        Anyway, oddly enough, his mother is the one that told me he’s a narcissist. Also that he projects (once I knew it was even a thing it became so obvious), and that he has dissociative disorder due to his parents abusive marriage and breakup. I do feel bad for him, but I don’t believe him in that I’m selfish for not wanting my children and i around him. He’s selfish for wanting to prolong the suffering of those he says he loves.
        Sorry for the long post. I just was surprised to find that many others deal with some of the same aspects as I have….

        Reply
    • October 16, 2016 at 2:08 am

      I went through a similar situation. The guy totally fooled me even though we lived together for over a year. We had two kids together who he wound up abusing; that’s when the marriage ended. He then went around our small town telling everyone I had been cheating on him. With two young kids and fibromyalgia I was too tired and depressed and in too much pain to even entertain the thought. There’s projection for you, though, as our sex life had been nearly zilch for years. When I had our last baby, he took a job out of town for a month and a half, coming home on December 23. My daughter was colicky to the extreme, driving me to thoughts of suicide because my family lived 3 hours away-I had no supports nearby. Such a nightmare!

      Reply
  • September 15, 2016 at 11:31 pm

    Right vs wrong as the narcissist sees it. Someones idea of right and wrong can be unrealistic, unreasonable, and irrational. We are exhorted to use right judgement, that mercy overcomes justice. Clever doesn’t equal righteousness.

    Reply
  • September 18, 2016 at 10:54 am

    To state the obvious: narcissists see everything as it pertains to them. Anything that negatively impacts them is somehow the fault of someone else. In fact, the whole world conspires to run rough shod over them. They are the Axis Mundi! (The center of the world)

    Reply
    • March 2, 2017 at 5:10 pm

      I had to put my hands in the air on your post. WOW

      Reply
  • September 18, 2016 at 11:20 am

    Thank you for this informative and educational blog. It certainly places into perspective many experiences I had growing up. By the time I reached seven years old I had the epiphany–born of a recurring nightmare–that there was something seriously wrong with my parents and that my life would be doomed until I could graduate from high school and leave home. And yes, it was and I did. Escaping the dark cloud of my parents narcissistic abuse my life began to thrive to never imagined levels: accomplished classical musician on two instruments (my parents forbade me to even own a musical instrument); completed two bachelors, masters and phd (parents never went to college nor took any interest in mine or my three brothers education and most of the time were a tremendous hindrance to our learning). I suppose the epitome of their behavior occurred when my father was a dying man. He called where I was living 200 miles away completing my doctoral degree to inform me that I would be disinherited because–I had moved away! He could not bear the fact that my life was no longer about him.

    Reply
  • September 18, 2016 at 5:19 pm

    There is not a person alive who is not a narcissist! It is an innate quality, or whatever you want to call it. There are levels of narcissism with Borderline Personality disorder being the most dangerous

    Reply
    • December 4, 2016 at 3:43 pm

      Borderline PD and Narcissistic PD are not the same. However, it’s not unusual for children who grew up in traumatic stress to have comorbid symptoms of all the B Complex personality disorders, as well as others. In relationships, the Narcissist is usually the user and abuser, while the Borderline is the caretaker and enabler, and sometimes the roles change. ACoA Trauma Syndrome is a good book to help understand the family dynamics.

      Reply
  • September 18, 2016 at 6:16 pm

    If Narcissists took guilt for others’ vices, not give guilt for their own vices, then propitiation counters projection.

    Reply
  • September 20, 2016 at 4:51 am

    I just want to say I am a codependent spouse that has survived the bad years with a narc and turned things around for the good by both of us learning about narcissism and wanting change. Together 40 years now. I understand the truth in this article however I have an even worse evil sister-in-law, even though I am a very rational, patient, caring person I on occasion have thoughts of emotional revenge or pay back to that NARC bitch of my sister in law who has cuased over 30 years of hell for our family. My spouse and friends say Karma with take care of her. But Please let me help with the Karma is what I say ha ha.. We have disassociated ourselves from her family and the inlaws in general and life is so much happier now. We gave them to much importance over the years always tring to make things better or let things roll off…but guess what…You know the story. Best of luck to everyone with your NARC relationships.

    Reply
  • September 20, 2016 at 5:00 pm

    Its funny, or not , how a particular personality type becomes fodder for the narcs. I hold my hand up. Just realised after a long time that some very subtle and sometimes not so behaviour, was corralling. Accusations of things I never did or would get up to were bandied about. Hmmm jealous person? But since there never was a real commitment by the aforesaid…then why should I plight my troth…to ..Erm what? Well Ok a whom with marked narcissistic tendencies. Er no …Been there seen it, done it got the T shirt…..Love 40… Though I thought the last serve was outside the box.

    Reply
  • December 4, 2016 at 1:01 pm

    Narcs are self-loathing, shamed, inadequate individuals who, for whatever reason, project onto their victims their own self-despised conduct and characteristics. Their projections are smokescreens to deflect any potential criticism of them, onto their victim. I’ve endured this conduct from my Narc father for 62 years and finally went no contact with him 2 years ago. Old sins have long shadows. I have never been happier in my life. The only reason I will attend his funeral is to be sure he’s dead.

    Full blown narcs are congenital, pathological liars. If their lips are moving, they likely are lying. First and foremost, they lie to themselves about how wonderful and entitled they are in order to overcome their deep self-shame, inadequacy, and self-hatred. They believe their own lies.

    Reply
    • March 2, 2017 at 5:07 pm

      I can not tell you how much I agree with you. It’s like their truth is to become your truth based on a lie. I am still dealing with this problem because we have been together for over 7 years. I try so hard to remain sane but each day he bites away at me and my self-worth. I tell he time and time again that I faithful to him, and the more I tell him that the more I have been with every men in the world. I don’t get. I am faithful.

      Reply
  • August 14, 2018 at 8:29 pm

    My mother was a narc and would always blame everyone else for her own problems. It was either my fathers fault or one of us kids. We apparently stopped her achieving all sorts of things in her life but then she said she had always wanted a family. She would say one thing then say something else completely contrary and never seemed to understand this. I used to get very confused. She projected a lot of stuff on to me ie she always thought I was like my father and used to regularly ask whether I had been up to my tricks again with a contemptuous look on her face. I was nothing like my father. She also had regular emotional storms where she would rage around the house shouting a screaming at all of us and I never knew what would trigger her. She had zero empathy and even less self awareness. To this day I have CTSD and there are any number of things I fear such as confrontation, figures or authority and so on. I have managed to deal with many of my issues but doubt I ever will with the rest as I am in my 60’s now. I still have a few very deep seated and incredibly painful issues that counselling has never been able to touch and which have damaged my life considerably.

    Reply
  • February 15, 2019 at 2:31 pm

    Your roll with npd is all about projection from day on, not just single events but the npds entire mixed up psyche of issues. It’s a much bigger picture than a person might see while in the day to day mess of the npd.

    Think of it like a bird cleaning it’s feathers, start with first issue, the bird cant love others so to equalize, clean itself, make it fair, they take love from your life , project something of indescribably huge importance in life project it onto you. Now the bird has cleaned one more from its feathers, the second mite (1000,s), is the npd lack motivation, they are lazy… What do do, must be cleaned, so they project that onto you..now your lazy… This is how they clean themselves..this is how the npds brain works 24/7/365..forever.

    Reply
 

Join the Conversation!

We invite you to share your thoughts and tell us what you think in this public forum. Before posting, please read our blog moderation guidelines. A first name or pseudonym is required and will be displayed with your comment. Your email address is also required, but will be kept private. (Please note that we use gravatars here, which are tied to your email address.) A website/blog/twitter address is optional.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *