48 thoughts on “Mind Control by Narcissists

  • June 18, 2016 at 9:20 pm

    I’m so afraid, and can barely function. Living with my narcissistic husband is a nightmare…if only I had dreams, that is.
    Can’t sleep. Am anorexic. Have lost over 100 lbs in less than 14 months.
    Depression has worsened over past years.
    Nothing I do “pleases” him.
    Giving up. Situation hopeless

    • June 18, 2016 at 9:58 pm

      Pauline – the best advice I can tell you is that if everything else is hopeless and you cant see a way out is this. Find a way to nurture yourself, imagine an impenetrable force loving force field around you protecting you. Everyday, every waking moment imagine yourself leaving. You might not be able to do anything about it at, don’t worry about how you will achieve it or when, but plant the seed of hope because every day it will get stronger and stronger. First in your mind and the rest will follow. It worked for me, everyday I got up and wished, I want him gone, I want him gone. If you state clearly what you want, an opportunity will present itself, and once it does, don’t hesitate.

    • June 18, 2016 at 10:04 pm

      Hi Pauline, Thank you for reading my article and sharing. It takes such courage to be honest and forthright. I’m not a psychologist and I really don’t have answers. Just my own experience, but there is a huge crowd of loving people in the 60+ Facebook groups for victims of narcissists who will enfold you. If you’re not already, please join some groups. They’ve helped me so much.

      Also, I just started therapy and it’s helping already. I didn’t think I could afford it…but some places offer a sliding scale based on income. What a blessing!

      Thank you for sharing. I hope my writings and others can help you! Here’s a link to all the places/books/blogs that’ve helped me.


      Hang in there! You’re a wonderful lady! It’s NOT you…it’s him!

      ~ Lenora

    • June 18, 2016 at 11:01 pm

      Is not your duty to please anybody but yourself. Dont give him or anybody the power to control you. If he has power is only because that was given to him by you. NOBODY HAS ANY POWER ON ANYBODY. His power is an illusion created by you. Wake up and get out of that poisonous situation. I will pray for you to God to give you the mental and spiritual strength to fight and conquer your enemies.

      • June 22, 2016 at 12:40 pm

        Careful taking back your power too fast. Narcissists can fear losing control and can tighten the reigns. If you decide to change the relationship dynamics talk to a professional who can help you do this and develop a safety plan in the event the person controlling you should escalate.

    • June 18, 2016 at 11:35 pm

      Pauline, we are all here for you. You deserve to be happy and cherished. I would suggest that you see if there is a domestic violence shelter near you. I have been going to therapy through a shelter for almost 2 years. They can also give you options to get out. (Hugs) I know it’s hard. I know it seems hopeless, but like another said, try to envision what you want your life to be. Remember how you were before him. Know that it’s not you, he is an abuser. One thing that really helped me was reading “Why does he do that” by Lundy Bancroft. You will see the pattern and it will make it easier to not internalize his accusations.

    • June 23, 2016 at 4:45 pm

      Please check out leslievernick.com. She specializes in helping women in destructive marriages, and even has an online support group. She helped me.

    • October 23, 2019 at 4:39 am

      my wife beat beat up mentally stresses me out accusing me a day to day out all day and all night she sending me Texas because I am a truck driver talking crap about is the stupid things up to the point where I just get so stressed out because she will not leave me alone telling me how much of a piece of shit I am telling me the things you can only imagine that hurt me to the core I know she’s up to something but I don’t know what I can’t pinpoint when I know she’s up to no good well she has me where she wants we went to the where I can’t even think straight she manages she disappears she doesn’t come home for a couple days and then all of a sudden she shows back up like nothing ever happened she doesn’t cuss me out she doesn’t tell me always have her words and I’m just sitting there like what the hell I am afraid for my life at times because of the way she accused you I mean I can’t wrap my brain around three she says the news I don’t understand it

  • June 19, 2016 at 3:14 pm

    Worldly. So your parents are Jehovah’s Witnesses?

    • June 22, 2016 at 3:52 pm

      My parents are Jehovah Witnesses,and so are my best friends.There was a lot of abuse in both of our homes.Her father was an Elder.My mothers brother was very abusive and he was an Elder.I know many more.JW’s are scarey.I used to tell people I’m a recovering Jehovahs Witness.I’m now actually recovered,but it took Decades to accomplish.I have no contact with my family and they live on the other side of the country,I like that

  • June 20, 2016 at 6:20 am

    Ok..how to start?.. I..had a marriage of 20 years of abuse..Its been 16 years since I escape from that he’ll. I know we women victims of abuse tend to look for the same pattern uncounsiously. A man who “take care of us” someone who show us “love” I find another man alike my ex, but this one fake his abuse with manipulations because I was needy..So I left him too. It was not easy he begin stalking me the same way my ex husband did. I had to put a restriction order the same I did with my ex. After those two bad relationships, I stop trying to get into serious relationships for many yeas because I was affraid. Once I met a man I immediately starting observing the same characteristics of my two abusers and immediately ended the relashionship. ( my two youngest children of 25 male and 21 daughter live with me) they are also abusers. They live with me for free I have to clean after them. They go on vacations and I stay home alone because I have to work two jobs in order to keep up with the payments. After 7 years of living without any partner , I met this nice man who seems very lovable and he is practicly ” rascuing” me from my grown up children’s abuse. Now I feel thorn between him and my children feeling that both are manipulating me and are under a lot of stress sick in need of an important surgery that I cannot afford . My children “never have money” and can’t pay part of the rent so I can pay for the surgery. My fiancée stated that he wouldn’t help me financially because I would give the money to my children . But I never ask him for help. I don’t know why he said that. I got very upset and told him that I would never ask him for help and that I had so much pride on pay for my own stuff. I feel like he is manipulating the way of me moving with him because he keeps telling me that he loves me and wants to ” take care of me” but it will be impossible to do it if I don’t move with him. At this point I feel so stressed out for both him and my children. I ferl like my soul is abandoning me again and begin to losing myself … Like I have starting to lose control of my mind and turn into a robot with his master . I am so affraid , I have work so hard all this years to become a self confident man letting no one ” but my children” to control me because they are… They always get their own way. They chose where to live and I pay..I’m always there for them but when it’s about have fun enjoing life and vacations, I’m not included . Now my 21 year old got pregnant and she is telling me that I have to take care of her baby because I took care of her brothers babies too.I urgently need help. At this point I don’t know who is Got and who is the Devil. My children want to ” rascue” me from my fiancée and my fiancée is trying to “rascue” me from my children. I am so confuse and feel like I am being pulled from my arms in both directions.. Not all, I have a narcisist boss with alcoholic problems that makes my life miserable at work….The pressure is so bad and stress so high plus I’m sick and in need of surgery … I have though about ending with my life but I have no courage to do it and then I break in a loud cry like an orphanage child. NO! I have no friends to trust, no priest to trust, we live in an untrustfull society… I have lost faith in people even in counsellors because nobody have been able to help me but to finish witb my money in antidepressants and expensive therapy sessions that are no good enough to me . I have not found yet a professional who can find a way of helping me without wasting an hour of therapy repeating very used technical phrases such as ” and how does that makes you feel?” To tell the truth, they make me feel like they think I’m stupid! Please help me somebody help me.. I’m getting lost..I found mysel already and it took me years and I don’t want to get lost again. My children? They don’t have any respect for me. They just want me to pay rent and bills. If I tell them how I feel and that I ferl tired of cleaning after them . She the girl mostly get offended and tells me that I am an histeric and exaggerated then she run to her room screaming at me and never let me say anything she never want to listen what I’m I going to say… Help!

    • June 21, 2016 at 4:16 pm

      Have you ever heard the saying “If you want something that you’ve never had, you have to do something that you have never done?”

      No one can help you except for YOU! That’s ok though. You can get out of this situation but you are the only one that can do it. No professional can force you to make the tough choice. You don’t need a man to rescue you, nor do you need a therapist. Your children are grown. If they are unable to take of themselves, that’s very sad for them because it’s no longer your job to raise them, they’re adults. If you kick them out, a miraculous thing will happen: somehow they will be able to make it on their own. Why? Because they have to. They are not helpless, but they aren’t going to go do hard work if you are going to do it for them. Your choices are either to die this way or to have your children and perhaps your fiancé be mad at you. Personally, I would rather be happy, healthy, and alive than in the kind of emotional and physical state that you describe. It doesn’t matter if you feel you HAVE to take care of them, this is a CHOICE you are making and they will continue to take advantage of you until you stop letting them or are no longer able to enable them.

    • June 22, 2016 at 10:31 am

      wow, it sounds as if you need to a) tell your ‘grown-up’ children its time they left home or b) better still, you move out. They are old enough to be paying their way and their rent. As for the dude, hmmm sounds as if you aren’t clear about what you need. Maybe you should get professional help. But first of all, get those parasitic offspring out of your house.

  • June 20, 2016 at 4:15 pm

    Lenora! It was fascinating, and sadly validating, to read your most recent post. While my father and grandparents weren’t as you describe, my mother was … and I chose all 3 of your methods of coping with that at the time it occurred. Unfortunately it also involved my children [am estranged from my son who has called me narcissistic [my belief is that we tend to call others what we ourselves either are or think we are]] and although my daughter and I have had a bumpy relationship for years, I believe that eventually she will realize her beliefs about me [from her grandmother’s brainwashing] are erroneous.
    Thank you for sharing your views – they are spot on according to what I can look back and see about my life.
    As for those still in abusive/narcissistic relationships, it is up to that individual to make the choice to terminate things or continue in their current behavior rut.
    We have all heard that we teach others how to treat us — this is particularly true of the receivers of abusive behavior ……. by standing meekly to the side and letting others “take control” we who are receiving that programming are allowing other family members, business associates, etc. to see that we will accept any kind of behavior [yes, even the behavior we abhor most that benefits neither party]
    Here’s something that might help – my late husband called it his “crab in a bucket” theory: when you go crabbing at the beach, the first crab in the bucket usually manages to crawl out. However …. if you put more than 3 crabs in the bucket all at once, they remain in the bucket. Why? Because they are so busy clawing each other back to the bottom that none of them can reach the top! So think of an abuser as the collective crab in the bucket who is so afraid of giving up control that she/he has to claw all people around him/her back to a place far behind her/him… THAT is the ONLY way the person can feel validated, “right”, “in control”, etc.
    Think of life as the bucket — and you’ll understand that, in many instances, until we find the courage to stand up for our Self, we will fall prey to all the crabs who delight in destroying us by pulling us backwards!
    Again, thank you Lenora, for your post! You’re wonderfully courageous! I applaud your bravery, authenticity, vulnerability!

  • June 20, 2016 at 5:56 pm

    Hi Lenora. We have lived similar lives and I appreciate your ability to articulate the complicated and paralyzing effects of being raised by cruel abusive narcissitic parents. I often wonder how I survived. I was brainwashed as well. My father would make me sit in front of him and repeat his words, one by one, when I got in trouble. He would tell me what to think. I had to always be one step ahead of his thoughts, thinking of what he is thinking to protect myself. It was horrible to exisit purely for my parents and not for myself. It’s an uphill battle sometimes and with the additional issues of being adopted makes it complex. I’m 50 and my dad died in Nov. He still haunts me. I hope these thoughts of him diminish and my deserved emancipation will prevail. Thank you for giving us a voice. Please feel free to check out my blog if you’d like.

  • June 20, 2016 at 6:40 pm

    I may have missed it in your list of triggers. Mine is withdrawal of love or the cold shoulder or a comment that is said and directed at something that I am doing but is sent indirectly. Comments like “I’ve seen people who don’t wear makeup, when they go out. They look terrible.”
    Another is when the favorite sibling is mentioned when you are trying to talk about something that you are doing well. No comment about how wonderful/amazing/helpful/loved you are.
    There are definitely covert messages that trigger one to “behave.”

    • June 22, 2016 at 1:26 pm

      Yes, those are common all too sadly, and they usually backfire.

    • August 18, 2016 at 9:49 am

      Mine is the same. My TM does this all the time esp on FB she will share posts indirectly pointed at me and say things that I know good and well she knows will piss me off looking for a reaction. I don’t give her the pleasure of getting a reaction from my anymore. CMK, You aren’t alone in this trigger; it’s a huge one for me as well.

  • June 20, 2016 at 7:42 pm

    Thank you for another enlightening article, Lenora! Seven years ago I was named power of attorney by a dear cousin who was dying of cancer. He left a large sum of life insurance to the daughter of one of his friends. When my N mother and my golden child sister found out, they became enraged and coerced me to write a letter to the young woman telling her that the money was not rightfully hers and that it rightfully belonged to “the family.” The coercion by them was hell on earth — multiple daily phone calls, threats — my anxiety level was so high I agreed to do it. Then when he died, they tried to get me to forge the signature on the life insurance papers, insisting that the life insurance rightfully belonged “in the family.” Somehow I managed to not forge the papers, thank God. I recall lying to them to get them to back off. It was hell on earth for me during that time. I always wondered why I caved in and wrote that letter to the beneficiary, even though every ounce of my soul knew it was a horrible thing to do. Reading your article helped me understand why. Thank you so much for putting a name to what so many of us go through with these evil people. Basically it’s mind control. I can now forgive myself.

    • June 25, 2016 at 3:42 pm

      Oh Crystal, what a terrible position to be put in! My heart hurt for you when I read your story because I could tell what a struggle it was and how much pressure you were under.

      I also wanted to broach the subject of money/forgery/or any type of coming into money through back handed ways. While my N mom never pressured me to forge documents. SHE forged MY signature and had me paying dearly for it for nearly a decade.

      Lenora (and readers): is this something that you see goes hand in hand with NPD? My mother’s symptoms have oftentimes crossed the line into criminal acts, but only when it comes to money.

      It’s the one piece of the NPD puzzle that I haven’t figured out.

      • June 25, 2016 at 4:06 pm

        Hi “SM”,

        Oh, definitely! I’ve heard of and even personally witnessed several instances where narcissists cheated, lied and even worse…for MONEY. I’m intending to write an article about narcissist’s love or god (whichever you choose to call it): MONEY.

        Thanks for the comment!

        ~ Lenora

  • June 21, 2016 at 5:35 am

    First I have to say I relate so much to your writing. Thank you for the repeated validation!! Quite comforting. I am sorry, though, that narcissism has been such a large part of your story. It’s a painful journey.
    I married into a narcissistic family. An empath by nature, I went along for 20 years trying to get my NMIL and my husband’s four Narci-sisters to like me. Needless to say, it never worked. Hindsight has made me embarrassed for the many attempts I’ve made to ingratiate myself with his family. The hardest part, however, is my husband’s cognitive dissonance/dissociation. This article hit the nail on the head! Recently, his NM posted this on her FB page since I’ve been NC for 5 months with his family:

    You will find no better best friend than your mother in this world. Believe me. You will find no one who knows you better than she does. You are the flesh of her flesh. Respect her. Cherish her. Love her with all your heart. She could be gone one day and you’d find find no one like her.
    Dead people receive more flowers than the living ones because regret is stronger than gratitude.

    Huh. My Golden Child husband doesn’t see anything wrong with it. Do you think I am being “too sensitive” and “misjudging” her? (Her and her daughter’s assessment of me ) Or do you think this is a mind game? Guilt is her most powerful tool and I may die trying to convince my husband how dysfunctional his system is.
    Would love your thoughts and/or counsel.
    And thank you again for writing such relatable material. ❤️

    • June 22, 2016 at 1:05 pm

      Esmeralda, you are a saint for putting up with your mother-in-law. And you’ve been with his family for 5 months? My sympathies. I wish you the best.

    • August 18, 2016 at 10:03 am

      Esmeralda, In my opinion it is a mind game that she is playing. It is all about her. I may be wrong but stuff like that does trigger me because it is the kind of stuff my GC brother would share and it be indirectly pointed at me. It really messes with your head.

      I did the same thing with my MIL and his family trying so hard to get them to like me and trying to become what they thought or wanted me to be. She is so manipulative, lives in denial and is a bully. I refuse to allow her to treat me that way anymore. He pretty much goes to their house by himself to visit his dad because he can’t stand her at all. I don’t go and don’t call unless absolutely necessary.

  • June 22, 2016 at 10:30 am

    How do you respond to Donald Trump? What is his personality doing to the people who are supporting him?

  • June 22, 2016 at 10:49 am

    Yes, mind control is never ok. That is why many of our religions and for sure our military is not ok because they use mind control to shape our thinking and behaving into situations that are detrimental to our mental health, emotional stability and even our life as in the military. Being that so much of religion is then neurotic, as is the military structure, we are dealing with more than a narcissistic personality but narcissistic groups, subcultures, and societies. I have been brainwashed by religion and by the military and have debriefed over the years with healthy relationships, music, meditation, and therapy. The average mind controlled individual does not usually do a fraction of what I had to do to progress. The present state of our main culture is neurotic.

  • June 22, 2016 at 12:19 pm

    Not all mother’s love and cherish their daugter/s and want the best for them. My extremely vain, jealous, envious, selfish mother, destroyed two opportunities for me to embark on careers that I wanted so much. She deviously destroyed the letters sent to me saying I had a place in teacher’s training college, when I wasn’t at home. She confessed to this ten years down the road and laughed. She did nothing but tear me down, mock and ridicule me. Her vanity crucified me, she didn’t fail to tell me how beautiful she was and called me plain. When I got married the first time she told me that she outshone the bride (me) on my wedding day. A few years later when I remarried she showed up at the wedding dressed to the nines in the exact same outfit and colour that I wore and sneered at me.

    She favoured my sister who was the golden girl and who is just like her mother.
    They are both narcissists and made my years of growing up unnecessarily painful. I had no sense of self worth and have struggled all my life. I could write a book about the things that were said and done that left me feeling terrible. Of course now that I am older I can fully understand the sick behaviours of the narcissist. We are always much wiser with hindsight.
    To anyone who is struggling to keep your sensibilities around a narcissist, remember this… it isn’t YOU that’s the problem, it is HE/SHE. They are sick! So don’t let them get to you because you deserve so much better. Hang in there and be strong for yourself and don’t let them suck you dry.

    • June 22, 2016 at 1:29 pm

      Congratulations on your recovery

  • June 22, 2016 at 2:49 pm

    OK, I was married to a narcist. I escaped after 19 years of marriage. Now he’s moved on to our oldest child. Who is 16. My ex won’t allow our son to bring his vehicle that my ex bought to my house, so he can stay at my house and go to his two jobs. I have 50/50 custody and 50/50 placement. So by declaring this either I have to quit working so my son can when he’s with me or he can’t come to my house. I have been saving up to buy a car but it will be 6 months or more before I can do this. My son’s paychecks go to his father who uses them to pay my son’s insurance and pay his dad back for buying said vehicle. He also uses his money for gas in our son’s vehicle. So my son has no money left over from his jobs to help purchase a vehicle at my house. I don’t know what to do! My ex still triggers my PTSD, he did it last night and I didn’t get to bed until 3 a.m. what am I going to do? First talk to our son, second try court ordered mediation and finally sue for full custody and placement. I don’t know how else to protect my children!

  • June 22, 2016 at 3:28 pm

    I’m 28 years old and still living with my mother and sibilings because of the life long brainwashing my parents, but mainly mother, performed over me, over and over and over again, I ended up feeling shame for even being alive, I feel incapable of living normally, which includes working ect, I have all sorts of weird, too nice, too agreeing, never confronting behaviours around people that I don’t know very very well, I feel shame and guilt for needing things, wanting things, liking things I like, I feel guilt and fear for even thinking that my mother is narcisisstic manipulator! Let alone tell someone, no one believes me, or she makes me look crazy and bad. I suffered panick attacks in the past, I have anxiety depressive disorder, one my brother is currently in mental institution for addiction and psychosis, the other just came out from mental institution and he is 12 years old! And she keeps saying: “My children are retarded.”
    The question is, how can I move out? How can I move out from this hell when I can’t normally function in the real world, I expect everyone to be just like her, so I don’t trust anyone, then anyone can hurt me so easily because of all of my wounds that I have not healed yet, I do very very bad in stressful situations, and that could easily brake me and turn on too much anxiety. I have no money, and I can’t do almost any job because of my social phobia and sensitivity. How can I move out and save myself?

    • June 22, 2016 at 3:37 pm

      Hi, Thank you for your comment. To a great extent, I was in your shoes…tho’ I pushed through it. You are in a DOMESTIC VIOLENCE situation, so I would refer you to a local women’s shelter. They may be able to help you escape and assist you on getting on your feet as an independent adult…because you CAN do it! In fact, you may find that many of your anxiety problems become milder as you claim your inalienable human right to freedom and get away from the constant mental abuse. I believe you CAN carry on a job and it will wonders to buoy your self-esteem. Please…save yourself! Don’t stay and make the mistakes I made!

      Love, Lenora

  • June 22, 2016 at 7:21 pm

    I chuckled on this topic. You pegged me to a perfect T where my parents were concerned. Actually my mother. She used every single one of those mind control tricks. I hated her as I grew up tho eventually I felt i loved her before her death. I am now 63 yrs old and she still controls me! Its left big dark holes of no trust when it comes to female physicians, teachers, even friends. I keep remembering, “You can NOT trust anyone but your mother”. And i could not even trust her. What a sad world she lived in! Thankfully, as an adult, I married a wonderful man and raised five children together, with NO mind control anywhere.

  • June 22, 2016 at 7:29 pm

    I am a narcissist. I would prefer to say I’m PROBABLY like the people you describe, but that’d be making an easy out for myself.

    It hurt to read your article, and I want to believe that there are degrees of cruelty with regards to your topic, but no. Any abuse like this should be unacceptable.

    I don’t like that I am like this at times, and I struggle to keep this kind of mind game nonsense out of my life now, but I know it comes back, and I honestly don’t know why. I don’t want to ve manipulative, not of my wife nor my kids. I love them and want them to be themselves, and be strong and call me out when I’m pulling games like this.

    Thanks for your article. My wife sent it to me, aND initially I pretended she was thinking about someone else, (her father? Her sister? Certainly not me!) But I get it.

    What can I do to end this behavior? Your article talks about the victim getting out of the madness… but as the perpetrator, I hate that I am like this! I want to stop.

    • June 22, 2016 at 9:10 pm

      Dear Paul,

      Thank you for your wonderful, wonderful comment. Your humility commands my respect and I applaud you. How I wish those I write about would have your humility, so I could respect them again. Just the fact that you can recognize yourself in this article, and want to change, means you are a “lite” narcissist…and healing is well within your grasp.

      How? How I wish I knew! But since narcissism is more-or-less a coping mechanism for low self-esteem, per common wisdom, perhaps therapy would help you as much as it’s helping me, a victim of narcissists, to regain my low self-esteem. Different sides of the same coin!

      Y’know, there are times when I’m tempted to put someone down or project or play one of the little games narcissists’ employ. But I bite my lip, don’t same anything, count 10 and impulse goes away. I mean, if we sit very still and do and say nothing…nothing bad can happen. Homespun wisdom from someone who’s very puzzled by this f*cked up, world. LOL

      Thank you again for reading and commenting. Your comment flies in the teeth of those who say, “Why do you hate narcissists, Lenora?” Busted! I don’t hate them. I love them…I just want them to change and not hurt me anymore.

      I’m sure you’re a wonderful father.

      Take care and keep healing!

      ~ Lenora

  • June 23, 2016 at 12:53 am

    I have never read your articles, and for one thing, I am thankful: you didn’t berate the narc too much. Think of genetics, theirs. Think of genetics, ours. Narcissism is a personality disorder caused by genetics and child abuse, and it can be confirmed googling the APA. it is not their fault that the only way to feel good is making us feel bad. But I wont go into that because ppl don’t like to hear the truth. The thing is, if you are planning in having children, research this issue first. I know of a woman who was so unloved, as all of us were, that she had 4 children, who are now showing signs of self-centerism and manipulative relations among each other. The grandmother carried the gene that the children inherited. I have no contact with my mother or my brother, both narcs, but I adore them. The hardest part is having to remove that piece of my own blood from my heart, and let it go, to love less by force just to save myself a little bit. Don’t be harsh with your abuser; they were abused first.

  • June 23, 2016 at 12:58 am

    “…and that incredulous, shocked disapproving facial expression accompanied by a deep, deep sigh that tells me I’m in deep shit.”

    I can relate to this! Very much so. There is nothing, and I mean NOTHING my mom could possibly say that triggers me more than “the face”. When I’m in the middle of telling her something and she thinks I either am or am going to tell her something awful, s

  • June 23, 2016 at 8:01 am

    My dad was one who did and said things to continually keep you on guard punch,physical ly verbally,…in fun of course…only for him.
    You never knew when it was coming,you just braced for it always.

  • June 23, 2016 at 11:35 am

    Thank you for the article. I have survived two marriages to narcissists and the second one just barely. When I found myself contemplating suicide just because if those who proclaim to love you can find nothing good about you, I finally decided not to the them win. Somehow i found the strength to finally say I will take this no more. I left in March and from the moment I drove away from the house I loved, I have never looked back. Each mile I drove mad me happier and happier though I had no clue as to what the future would bring. My greatest fear had to be conquered…the fear of being alone. I realized that there is nothing worse than being lonely with your partner in the same space. I have actually enjoyed the freedom to chose what I do and when and how. Money is the only problem that makes me a bit nervous but I believe that will sort itself out. But my mind and my body have healed much faster than I thought possible. The freedom is worth everything. I have learned so much about myself while i am nurturing myself. I also now cancer my little voice inside of me that was silenced by all the racket of my husband. His hurtful words have no affect on me anymore and I refuse to interact with him on any level except when we have to appear in court for the divorce. I also now have lots of space inside the used to be filled with fear and that space will be filled with love. I know what to look for in a relationship. I also feel no urgency to latch on to someone else, and that in itself is a miracle. My codependence is gone. I can lean on myself. I am 66 years old and feel about thirty now. My life ahead has so many possibilities for me. and I anticipate each day. I love even the things I used to think of as chores. For your own sakes, get out any way you can. I mentally planned this for about 5 years and so when the time came I was ready. I have not shed a tear since I left …ihad done all my crying when I was in the relationship. My husband is now the one suffering as he no longer has a victim to torture. But that is not my problem. Leave all the toxic people behind you. You can thrive and be happy once more.

  • June 23, 2016 at 12:47 pm

    Hi! I live with a narcissist and my friend sent me this link. Thanks for writing about this publicly, makes me feel not so alone. Here’s what I wrote to my friend after she shared this article:

    “I’m sure Chris’ mom did this crap to him and he’s just passing it along to me.

    Let’s not forget the guilt trip. She guilts him into doing stuff for her, even if he has plans to do other things. And what he does to me… the same!

    For example, on a Saturday morning I get up and have an idea to sew, or anything I want to do, then he’ll say put on work clothes and help me mow yards (or paint, or clean gutters). And if I say I had something else planned, he’ll say “Oh, well I can get my 81 year old mother to help me since you are so busy!” Yea right, your going to have the old lady climbing on ladders…

    Which reminds me, he is expecting me to spend the entire upcoming holiday weekend cleaning and repainting his rental house when his tenant moves out. Good times.

    Talk to ya later,”

  • June 23, 2016 at 4:16 pm

    My life has been spent trying hard to build a better life and grow my self esteem, to heal from narc abuse. Both my parents are confirmed narcissists and I was an only child. My mother was/is aggressive and domineering, my father is a covert narc. They always resented me for standing up for myself, having my own opinions, etc. They didn’t care, it was all about them, all the time. They bought me things, but things aren’t love.
    Mom conjures up problems that don’t exist, then blame on me, then go running to dad to cause a rift between us. She also ordered me around like a drill sargeant.They ritually gang up on me if and when I refuse to be “told” what to do. They call names, insult, bully, pull guilt trips, yell, etc. I held my ground and quietly left the house when this happened. They are scary, even in old age, when they l I see control of themselves. Evil to the core. I am now no contact. It feels glorious. Peace, the freedom to be myself and enjoy myself without being guilt-tripped, manipulated and attacked. Narcissists don’t change. After a life of trying to keep the family together, I am at peace at letting go. They can go browbeat, bully and harass eachother. I am free!

  • June 24, 2016 at 6:45 pm

    First of all, I have to say that my parents aren’t very educated. They didn’t come from an era where psychology was taught and still think it’s all hokey-pokey. My Mom graduated HS with mostly Cs and Ds and my Dad was a C student who had a year of college. Sometimes I feel they are just ignorant of how to motivate but I can see that my Mother is very narcissistic and she acts the victim to get her way with my Dad when he ever acts a little too ‘man wears the boots – old fashioned.’ I have realized this is her way of dealing with being powerless and getting what she wants. However she always constantly measures herself against others and did that with us as kids. She looked at other people she idolized for whatever reason and then would look at what their kids were doing and instead of questioning why none of us were like those kids by looking internally at their parenting, she would turn on us and say things like ‘don’t you want to take piano like so-and-so?’ or ‘golf is a boy’s sport – why can’t you take tennis like so-and-so, I’ll pay for tennis but you can’t play golf.’ It was always about motivating us to be more like others kids and never was their encouragement to do what we wanted in a ‘be who you are’ kind of vein. Because I had a weight issue, introvert/shyness issue, and pale skin issue, there was always criticism. Control of diet. Ridicule and yelling at the dinner table. Making fun of me if I didn’t think of the right thing to say, was nervous or scared, or didn’t want to do what other kids were doing. I was also very pale complected so I was forced to wear makeup to a Catholic school where we weren’t allowed to wear makeup so I didn’t ‘look like I was dead.’

    I think my Father just thought that as a mother, she knew the right thing to do with daughters and the day he yelled at me in front of the carpool about how I needed to put some makeup on because I looked like I was dead, was the day my heart broke the worst and I don’t think I ever rightly had self-esteem from that moment on. He was my best bud. I idolized him. I still do in many ways.

    It took me making what I felt was the final sacrifice to earn their (especially ‘her’) love that finally made me ‘wake up’ to them and although I truly believe they were doing what they thought was best, I now know how to stand up for myself and I was there to stand up for my siblings. I am a large, very overweight woman now but I know who I am and I do what I want. I maintain a good relationship with them but only because I was able to ‘check’ their ways of doing things and defend myself.

    I tend to attract narcissistic men or abusive men – especially emotionally abusive (where they continually tell me what’s wrong with me – like my Mother did) and it takes me a while to see it but I do and I get out of it. It’s been years since I dated anyone because being overweight, I am just a giant target for a person wanting to use/prey/control someone else. It’s just better to be strong and alone.

    Good Luck out there and Fight Hard!!!

    But I accept me for who I am and I don’t care who I please.

    • June 24, 2016 at 7:25 pm

      CORRECTION: You’re big, gorgeous gal who can successfully pull off bright gobs of makeup, huge jewelry, big hair and over-the-top fashions like nobody’s business…spoken from one big gorgeous gal to another!

      ~ Lenora

      P.S. Thanks for the comment!

  • June 27, 2016 at 11:20 pm

    Amazing article, I could have written and read in good tiuming. My NM contacted via email after a great year of NC seemingly demanding to see her grandchildren under the guise of caring. U know how that us. Fear guilt and obligation set in and u was feeling confused buyt knew I needed to stay strong. Simply BC I did fear. That’s wrong! Now I found out about them (I’m blessed w religious narc mMom AND Dad) by my strange interest in SRA victims, mind control,and government conspiracies. That light bulb moment i finally connected the dots and realized my family was MORE sinister than that BC of the slyness of 35 years undetected was a great day. My NM somehow knew everything I was reading up on already and planned to kick me out and keep my kids BC of it. Luyckily her likes didn’t fool the authorities she called and finding articles like this later on, when evil tries to creep back in, is truly life saving. Thanku!!!!

    • June 27, 2016 at 11:22 pm

      Sorry about the spelling this kindle is bad w typing lol

  • May 11, 2017 at 8:23 am

    Is mind control ever associated with other familial disorders besides narcissism?

  • May 14, 2017 at 11:44 pm

    Most of my life and all of my post adolescent and adult life as though someone else were controlling my life and my choices. I was the victim of a narcissistic mother, a cunning and terrifying tyrant who filled my heart with the fear of being my self. I learned that I was something to be afraid of, mymdreams my aspirations, my desires, my strengths, my gifts. While seeing to praise me behind her “compliments” were disapproval and veiled threats. The cruelest of all was that the triggers she created were my own feelings of love and esteem for myself. Whenever I would achieve something that made me happy I would be wracked with guilt and despair and shortly thereafter sabotage, ruin, destroy that which I had accomplished. I am blessed with a variety of extraordinary talents, musical, artistic, linguistic, and every success I ever attained I felt compelled to destroy. I couldn’t understand why and fell deeper into depression and despair. But there was always a voice deep inside me that kept urging me on toward, God, love and goodness. I have recently come to understand that this evil woman used my own desires and aspirations, my own innate desires to lead a happy productive and useful life against me, made me fear success, money, accolades, love….
    I have also learned Thani am stronger than her and stronger than anything she ever did to me and can be free of it. It takes work and is deeply painful, but the deeper I am willing to,go in my feelings, the deeper I allow myself to feel the rage against the lies she told me the manipulations she used to,cripple my life

  • May 28, 2018 at 12:57 am

    I fought like HELL. The narc I knew had a stroke. We’re now best friends.


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