17 thoughts on “Dude! I’m Your Daughter, Not Your Wife!

  • January 27, 2016 at 8:36 am

    Wow. Just wow. I could identify with a lot of this, although not to this degree . My father also was a terrible narcissist. It sounds as if you have finally found peace and happiness. God bless you …

    • March 5, 2016 at 12:34 am

      God bless you, too, Ann! Thanks for commenting.

  • January 27, 2016 at 7:21 pm

    Thanks for your honesty. I know this isn’t easy to accept or confront- I’ve been there. In my case bio-father did molest me; and yes! He consistently pretended it was all my fault.

    It’s all about having COMPLETE power over another person. Men like this are especially drawn to children who ‘stand out’; appear more talented; more prettier; more capable than their wife/partner. I believe their thinking as a narcissist is they are entitled to anything they want; and so it becomes a game of creating competition between the wife and child – ‘who can please me the most?’ – the one to please this man the most gets to play the role of his wife; the most prestigious position in the family unit according to him.

    Children naturally want to please their parents; this is their source of survival. No child would ever be able to comprehend the games played by this kind of man. No child is responsible for this man’s warped: thinking, reasoning, actions.

    After years of hating myself for being related to bio-family, I came to the understanding that no personality trait is evil in itself. I just focus on using all my inner resources for good. I also keep in mind that everyone is capable of making positive changes, and even revolutionising this world we live in, regardless of the family (country/race/social status/gender) they come from.

    Reflecting on this article, I can’t help but wonder if Lenora’s mother interrogated her about being sexually abused because she wanted to know whether or not she needed to find another way of managing/controlling Lenora. I struggle to believe Lenora’s mother was asking out of concern. Any concern this mother appeared to show; apparently trying to protect her daughter by getting her to ‘make room for the holy spirit’ when hugging her father, doesn’t seem genuine to me. I wonder if she was more interested in protecting her marriage, than Lenora. As an adult, I understand that that was my bio- mother’s motivation; she went to great lengths to protect her husband.

    • March 5, 2016 at 12:31 am

      Thank you for your wonderful comment. I do believe you perhaps understand my situation better than I can…I’m too close to it. Mother was insanely jealous of me and began accusing me of “seduction” shortly after puberty. Yet she herself was a-huggin’ on MY husband. The situation defies sanity. And frankly, I’ve come to suspect Mother asked that suggestive question to test my MEMORY…and not out of genuine concern, just as you said.

      ~ LT

  • March 12, 2016 at 6:10 am

    Good heavens. Thank you for writing this and putting it out in the open. It also made me realise how lucky I am to have normal parents who love me but gave me space and freedom to grow into a normal adult. Thank you for sharing this. I’m certain it’ll help someone immensely who might find themselves in a similar situation with no one to turn to, or without any idea that what they’re going through isn’t ‘ok’.

  • April 7, 2016 at 7:18 pm

    I relate to this so much, that I can’t even… whew. After I take some deep breaths, I will write a post about this and link it back here, if that’s alright with you. What I mean is, I will share a link to this post on my post, and explain that reading this is what moved me to finally have the courage to tell my own story. I have never before written in-depth about my dad’s covert incest, and the way my mother blamed me for it.

    This is why she threw me away by having me locked up when I was fourteen, against my doctor’s advice. This is what destroyed my life.

    I am so sorry you lived through this crazy making crap, too.

    • April 7, 2016 at 7:19 pm

      Oh, Linda Lee, I’m so sorry this happened to you too. I’m desperate to read your story. I think I may find it as healing as I hope my story was for you. Please…link away! 🙂

      I also wrote about it here:

      ~ L

      • April 8, 2016 at 1:22 am

        Your link didn’t come through, but I found your post by going to your blog and looking through your categories. I clicked on “covert narcissism” and there it is. I haven’t read it yet, I wanted to let you know first about the missing link.

        The title of your post — Parents Who Are Jealous Of Their Kids — yes. That’s it right there. This is my momster. Jealous of me, her own daughter. Whew. Deep breath…..

        Your courage, Lenora, is wonderful and inspiring.

  • August 23, 2016 at 2:06 pm

    I am absolutely dumbfounded. I can’t believe it. It’s like you’re writing about my life. I belonged to my father too and he forbade me from dating or having any kind of relationship to any males. As a teenager my dad would tickle me and when I shied away he would pull me to the floor, wrestling me, pinning me down like he was going to rape me, but he was just digging his fingers into my sides to tickle me — the more I struggled the longer it would go on — pinned for the floor for 15-20 minutes.

    The only thing he wanted to do in this world was control me. I swear I’d never write about it because I’d think he’d sue me for defamation. It’s comforting to see that other people can see how disgusting, morbid, crazy-making, repugnant, bizarre and downright WRONG the whole charade is. How is masquerades as affection when it’s the worst thing that ever happened.

  • August 23, 2016 at 5:14 pm

    I have so much rage and insight. Thank you! Your father’s reaction to your innocent arm kiss finally made sense of a 26 year old unhealed wound. It’s Dad’s narcissism that made my curious game of “playing doctor” with my best friend into something I had to “confess.” That’s why my parents exploded and lectured me for over an hour, then took me down to my friend’s house where all four of them repeated the episode onto the two of us innocent kids.

    I’ve felt dirty and bad for so long. I’m 30 and just starting to date. You know your body carries unhealed pain. I just let go of some of that ancient guilt, it came out of me. It came out of me as rage, so hot. My god, my stomach held so much tension and as it melted away the relaxation triggered a memory, I remembered how it felt to be at ease all the time. I remembered how I felt as a child before I learned to be ashamed.

    Do you think I can ever be whole and well after being raised by a narcissist and a codependent, both of who used me as a substitute spouse?

    In so many ways I never grew up. Carpe Diem?

    God, it’s so wierd not to be tense and to feel your ‘spirit’ filling the space of your own body again.

    I used to fantasize about killing them both when they wouldn’t stop violating me, erasing me, trying to subsume my personality into their own. My mom asked me if Dad molested me. I think he did but I only have memories of the covert incest. He tries to get me to touch him now. I’m tired of being suicidal and having homicidal rage fantasies. I’m breaking up with my parents! I’m moving out and they can learn how to be married to one person, without using their child to prop up the whole charade.

  • October 21, 2016 at 9:04 pm

    Brave, Brave post and Author! Congrats for your Honesty and Courage to share
    I have similar story, with some differences here and there but.
    Serioudly these Creatures are Deranged. I forbidden them to call me (due to some unforcinate events Im back in “Home town”
    He calls 30times in 5 days !!!! XD Not out of CARE !
    I have threathened him repeatedly to stop, he keeps doing again, and tries to reproduce the Sick relationship the Pig Pedophile had with his Psycho mother! I suspect him ov having sex with her, even as old hag
    Mind you, its not Enough that he and MyCrazy NMother took years of my life, they wanna kill me. I swear!
    I could go on and on but all I can say is this, I put my trust in God and pray to give me Strength to Escape once for All. These people dont love .me, never did, just want me to be the Slave and Scapegoat. Their Slave.
    I had to come back in this situation because I had some financial Trouble. And here he is again the creely Pig, always trying to “over” me. I can see clearly now why I had so many future relationship problems. The Individual is Damn weird creature!
    He shows No remorse, real concern and when I have a real oroblem he tells me to “Foff” or downright ignores me. When hes “bored” or whatever calls 30 times in coupple of days. Freakk
    Also exposed me to pornography as a child, and to many Jnnapropriate details of his sexless life w Mother AS IF THATS NORMAL CONVERSATION !!!
    Disgusting Pigs Psychos. Im getting a Restraining Order and shove it into his face if he continues
    Thank you for your Wknderful post. You have Aweskme sense of Humour too!
    For years people pitied my Psycho father, of how mistreated he was by Mom etc, I many times was the Adult he acted like a toddler. No maturity. Pure Cowardness.
    These creeps CHOOSE to be Sick, its no mistake. And to Act Sick
    Im trying all that I can to be full No Contact with all Crazyes in the family.
    No Child deserves this

  • December 4, 2016 at 9:22 am

    This is exactly how my Narc father treated me. The first big word I learned was “fascinate”. I learned it when he came to my bedroom at night when I was about 4 years old and said I “fascinated” him because he “had never had a little girl before” and he wanted “to touch and feel” me. I thought “fascinate” was an action verb – that I was doing something myself to cause him to do this to me. By the time I was 5 years old, I chewed both my fingernails and toenails to the quick, so stressed out and totally clueless of what was going on. My mother was clueless. If she knew what he was doing, she must have been too scared of him or in too much denial to protect me. She, too, asked me late in life if he had ever molested me. I told her yes and she looked shocked and, get this, changed the subject.

    Throughout my teen years, he constantly stared at my body. I, too, wore concealing clothes in his presence. He loved to touch me which he never did with my later born younger sisters. When I dated, he sometimes hid in my darkened bedroom when I returned home to inspect my clothing, to see if it was disarranged. It was sexual intimidation at its finest.

    When I was 19, he came up behind me one hot summer day as I was bending over looking inside the refrigerator. I was wearing shorts and a sleeveless shirt. He asked me what I was doing (duh!)and I said I was looking for something to eat. The SOB then said he saw something good to eat while ogling my rear end. I was so shocked and disgusted that I ran away from home and moved 2000 miles away, with no money, no support, nothing but the clothes on my back, and managed to support myself and obtain a college education on my own.

    When Monica Lewinski and Bill Clinton were in the news, he called me up and began asking me all kinds of questions about oral sex. He pretended he had never heard of it. I told him I knew nothing about it and he should ask his sons or his wife/my mother. He chuckled. And no doubt mentally masturbated.

    He is now 90 years old, lives alone next door to me, my mother having died about 3 years ago, and constantly tries to hoover me back into his sick world. I went no contact 2 years ago because, among other things, I could not rid my mind of what he did to my mother during one of her final hospitalizations prior to her death. For two and a half days he repeatedly overdosed her with her morphine pump following life-threatening abdominal surgery. The hospital staff finally told me what he was doing,that he was endangering her very life, lying about doing it, and that something had to be done. I immediately asked them to remove the pump and administer pain meds by injection. My golden child younger brother and sister did not believe me when I told them until brother met with head floor nurse who told him Daddy nearly killed our mother and they were investigating to see if she had stroked. She recovered sufficiently to live another 6 months, while idiot siblings claimed he was just “upset” over her surgery and trying to “help” her. No, he was not trying to “help” her; he was keeping her totally sedated so visitors would focus totally on him, and to keep those cute nurses coming into the room so he could flirt with him. After my mother’s death, I confronted him about poisoning her with morphine and lying about it until he finally said, in essence, that it didn’t matter what he did because it did not kill her. In retrospect, I should have filed felony criminal charges against him for assault and battery, abuse of a vulnerable adult and attempted murder. I should have involuntarily committed him for in-patient psychiatric treatment. I should have, I should have, I should have…… so many things I “should have” but did not know to do because I did not understand what was happening and was in shock over what he did.

    I’m now 62 years old, a recently retired successful professional, happily married, and financially secure. Once I made the decision to go no contact, I began to heal. I still find myself obsessing over my horrible childhood as his “love interest” and scapegoat, and he continues to try to suck me back into his sick world, but I consider myself well on the way to recovery. The man is so delusional that about a week after I stopped all contact with him, he began calling 911, sometimes multiple times a day, for purported cardiac issues. This went on for over a week until my golden child brother “ordered” him not to call 911 anymore. I believe he kept calling the paramedics to get me to come next door to see what was going on. I never once left my house while he did it.

    Funny, he did the same thing yesterday, called the paramedics about his alleged cardiac issues, got himself admitted to the hospital last night, and I understand he will be discharged back home today. My middle sister, who was also targeted much like me, told me yesterday that he is having a great time in the hospital, visiting with doctors and nurses, expounding on what a wonderful and interesting person he is, oozing that creepy manipulative charm that so fools people who do not understand NPD.

    I’ll quit here although I could write a book on the topic. Thank you for this website and your insight.

  • August 6, 2017 at 4:45 pm

    I just learned about this today. Mine’s more of a mother/daughter thing though. Just this past winter I started wearing two pairs of leggings underneath my jeans so as to keep warm. I came home from work like that and my mom looked at me in a way that made me uncomfortable, and just as a disregarded it, she smiled and said something like my jeans are getting tighter or I’m filling them out more. I immediately felt like crying (and not because I felt fat or something, I’m a twig) but I held back because she would have asked me why I was crying, then I would have said it was her comment and then she would have laughed and told me I was being too sensitive and I’d have felt worse. Maybe I’m overreacting but it made me feel ICKY. I also remember being a small child and her driving me to the bus stop and she was telling me about a conversation she had with my dad. She’d asked him what he wanted to do for her anniversary and he’d said,”sleep” (as in sex) and she was saying how romantic or whatever and I was just grossed out. My parents didn’t have a very good marriage and she oftentimes ranted to me about my father and still does sometimes, even though they’re divorced now. Oh and now she vents to me about about my stepfather. I felt, and still feel, special and privileged that she shares this with me. It makes me angry and anxious but at the same time I want to hear??? Every time she apologizes a lot and says she shouldn’t be burdening me with these things but she does it anyway. I’m 18, make about $400 a month and still live with my parents. I’ve thought about leaving but I’d have to have roommates, which is extremely difficult to do since I have poor social skills, don’t trust people at all, and simply cannot connect with other people. I’ve read this emotional incest makes it hard to have deep, intimate relationships… and my mother wonders why I don’t have friends, can’t connect with people, or even trust them. And we showered together a lot. She didn’t touch me or anything but we still showered together, she even offered to shower with me when I was like 13 and I said no, it made me wildly uncomfortable and I felt at that age we shouldn’t be doing it, it was inappropriate and she acted like I was overreacting. She was like I’m your mom I’ve seen you naked as a baby what’s the big deal? Just last year I had anxious thoughts about her dying and the only way to make myself feel better was that I would kill myself if she died. I’ve changed my mind, I certainly will not kill myself because even in the past few months I felt that idea was unhealthy. I think I’m so enmeshed because my dad wasn’t around a lot and my sister bullied me so she feels like the last family member I have. When my dad was there, he liked to give me back rubs, throughout my entire childhood, and my mom called me a back rub whore. He was always willing to give me a back rub… even choosing to give one to me over his own wife. Sometimes he went down too low. I remember when I was little to when I was grown up we would watch movies/shows together as a family, sometimes the usual Disney kid stuff but other times white chicks, two and a half men (Charlie sheen creeped me out) that 70s show, Buffy the vampire slayer, Austin powers, lot of adult stuff. Maybe this isn’t as big of a deal but it always felt like a big deal to me. I still remember the scene where Charlie sheen is supposed to not sleep with a woman and he talks to his penis telling it to control itself. Soooo uncomfortable. Conclusion: my family may be even more abnormal than I thought. Also, Charlie sheen is a weirdo.

  • October 26, 2017 at 2:35 pm

    I am 53 and have just come out. I was molested/incest biological father from the ages 6-18. I completely feel dead. I faked my entire life, in therapy now, but I am cannot even post about it. Me keeping this secret is the worst thing I could have ever done. Please do not keep secrets.

  • November 28, 2018 at 2:43 pm

    My father was covertly incestuous. My older sister was his “wife”, but he ogled me a lot.

    He discussed porn and strippers with us. He watched sexy movies with us. He sexualized every conversation with us.

    He once saw me hugging my boyfriend at a bus stop and used that to sexually shame me.

    He told my sisters that i was being “too physical” with my boyfriend. I felt so ashamed of myself.

    I gained 20 pounds after that.

  • January 24, 2019 at 6:34 pm

    I am in therapy have had depression and still have anxiety and OCD. After my father died my grief became complicated and I was no longer numb but felt all these feelings! My psychiatrist/therapist is amazing and the person I trust the most. Starting a year ago I started being able to see how emotionally and verbally abusive my father was and through therapy became aware of being a victim of covert incest. I am 54. I have spent 40 years upset about a tickle fight where my dad tickled my breasts…was iton purpose? Did he realize it happened? Either way it damaged me. I have no memories of other hands on abuse although my father and I slept in the same bed many times while my mom was at work


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