The readers of Narcissism Meets Normalcy are the best and your comments often leave me thinking, “He summed up in one elegant paragraph what it took me 1,000 words to convey.”
Often the best comments are posted weeks or even years after my article was originally published…so you probably miss out on seeing them. Lately, we’ve been in a particularly rich comment season. So here is the best of the best of what you recently said.
A reader calling herself Badlands Babe pulled no punches in her comment posted on Are We Obligated to Care for Aging Narcissistic Parents?
My narcissistic mother & I have been estranged for the past 15 yrs. I set boundaries, she couldn’t handle that, chose to not take me seriously therefore, I went no contact. I was done. I won’t even go into the lifetime of bullshit that lead me to that place. It’s unhealthy & dangerous for my well being. The woman who posted her narcissistic mother defecating in her living room & destroying her home & vehicle before leaving comes the closest.
What I will say is…
Guilt is a dangerous weapon that these ungrateful monsters intentionally use. Triangulation, octogonulation, whatever depending on the number of people involved is something they adore. As is playing the victim. To those who haven’t gotten out & are still paralyzed by guilt…
Get OUT!! There is no guarantee of sainthood in the afterlife. You’ve given your lives to people who never deserved you to begin with.
It was the narcissist responsibility to plan for their later years, not yours.
There’s a misconception about these unspeakably, horribly, abusive people…
JUST BECAUSE THEY GAVE US LIFE DOESN’T MEAN WE OWE THEM OURS.
A parents job is to teach & guide their children to the best of their ability in preparation for them to leave the nest & ENJOY their OWN lives. THAT is the goal folks. NOT to stifle their children, burdening them with guilt & EVERYTHING unhealthy while belittling, insulting, & demeaning them & plaguing them with adult responsibility & undue stress & seeing to it the grow up feeling less than. There is NOTHING normal about THIS.
Let that resonate. Remind yourselves of it often.
These people are like sour milk. If you keep going back to take a drink & you get the same result. The milk is still sour. NOTHING IS EVER GOING TO CHANGE….
From someone who KNOWS.
Like Lenora says…
Stay busy doing what you love. In this situation the best apology is the one you’ll never get. Accept that & remove yourself from the situation by whatever means necessary. For those of you still making excuses not to, if you want to enjoy what’s left of your life because this isn’t a dress rehearsal do what you must to make that happen & forget the GUILT. I guarantee, these miserable monsters have never once felt an ounce of guilt over the way they treat you.
Reader Jon Flores will make you chuckle with his comment posted on Narcissists: Stealing Your Hobbies, Appropriating Your Interests.
They can’t have you succeeding at anything they perceive over them. They get particularly peeved to see you excelling, mastering, and getting praise for what you are endeavoring to do. In high school, I started to play the drums. I practiced every day after school and would often have an audience of friends watching me play the latest hits. One day I came home from school and there was a lady from the church at our house. She was there to pick up the drumset as a gift for her son who wanted to learn to play the drums. My dad had sold the drums to her and had me place them in her car. It was very much a shock to me and very painful. On top of that, the drums weren’t even his to sell but belonged to the church. A few months later I got my revenge and sold his saxophone to a pawn shop then left for the army. He never once has spoken to me about this, although he’s had plenty of opportunities and never will because I am completely no contact with him and the other flying monkeys in my family.
That reminds me of just how many of my husband’s cars and personal possessions his father sold while he was “taking care of them” while Michael was at Basic Training or on walkabout. A father stealing from his son! One military man stealing from another! It doesn’t get much lower than that.
There’s a rule of thumb about writing about narcissism: You are the worst judge of your own articles. The articles you think are hot stuff will bomb at the box office. The articles you think are pfffttt go craaaaazy! That’s exactly what happened with Here’s Why We Talk About Narcissism. Spoiler Alert: It’s NOT A Pity Party. It was exceptionally popular and oh! wonderful comments! Here’s one from Kim.
YES! Thank you! I left my abuser 2 years and 1 weeks ago, and yes I’ve moved on, my life is great, and I hardly recognize the person I was compared to the person I’m becoming. However, I was so dissociative during those years that I’m only now beginning to reintegrate that other person, that other narrative, into who I am now.
This explanation is SO TRUE. For the first few months after I left, I was surprised at people’s stunned, horrified, angry reactions to my stories, and that’s absolutely how I started recognizing that what he did, what I lived through, was not at all normal or okay. It helped me get through the Fear-Obligation-Guilt and overcome the disorienting vacillations between the new reality I was sharing with everyone else and the invented reality he had brainwashed me into for so many years. I’m still recalling “new” memories – episodes I’d forgotten, injuries that healed, things that were so minor in that context but are shocking to a “normal” person. Thank you for affirming this so clearly.
“We repeat the same stories ad nauseum for three reasons.
1. To challenge the “Normal” we learned from narcissists by soliciting other people’s opinions about events in our lives.
2. To learn from their reactions to our tales what is Normal and what is not.
3. To shock ourselves into having pity for ourselves via other people’s shock, horror and empathy. You see, we’re not having a pity party at all. We should be having one. The magnitude of the abuse…and suffering it caused…certainly merit a honey of a pity party. But I never had one whilst in the midst of narcissistic abuse (i.e. it wasn’t allowed) and I’m not having one now.”
Just one article can’t possibly do justice to all of your wonderful comments. Click here to read Part 2.