As I wrote in Part 1 Sexy, Competitive Narcissistic Moms, “Narcissistic mothers don’t allow their daughters to become women in their own right.” That includes fertility.
Unfortunately, Jennifer Turpin isn’t the only one whose twenties were spent in starvation and filth. At least three other of the recently rescued Turpins are women in their twenties. What if they want to have families one day? Will they be able to? While their super-fertile mother, who gave birth to prisoner after prisoner, was reveling in her fertility, she apparently didn’t give one shit about her daughter’s fertility.
Out of one side of her mouth, my mother expressed regret that my fertile, twenties were flying past with no chance to start a family, while out of the other side she said, “I’m glad you’re not married so you can’t get pregnant” (too “dangerous”) while out of the other side she said, “You’re so lucky we don’t make you go on The Pill.”
Crazy-making if anything ever was! But also very typical of a narcissistic mother’s lack of empathy for her daughter.
More often than not, daughters of narcissistic mothers have been innocent victims of sexual abuse. They tend to be sexually timid, taking their time to explore their adult sexuality. Yet their mothers always assume their daughters are, well, to use their terminology “sluts” and “whores.” Some mothers do “virginity checks” on their teenage daughters. No matter how pure you are, they always assume otherwise. Slut shame us for nothing. I believe they hope their accusations will come true, perhaps so they can hate us even more, perhaps to assuage their own consciences.
In my family, one discussed sexuality with (more or less) a straight face, as though that was some kind of disinfectant (C.S. Lewis.) One did not joke about sexuality, be a party to jokes about sexuality, laugh at jokes about sexuality and definitely NEVER talk about sex with the opposite sex.
Only once did I defy the rules to jokingly talk about sex with a young man. Mom, of course, found out by interrogating me. “And where was this unholy union to be joined?” she snapped, snarkily. If she’d been wearing a skirt, I would’ve looked at her hem and responded, “Hey Mom, your nasty attitude is showing!
“You can’t have that outfit. It looks too good on you.” – My Mom
One of the things that narcissistic mothers just can’t get right is clothing for their daughters. You’ve shared your horror stories with me! Narc mothers never dress their daughters in age-appropriate, well-fitting, comfortable clothes. The clothes they provide are either much too immature, too sixty-fivish, too tight, too loose, embarrassingly slutty or tent-like. There’s no middle ground. Personally, I wonder if the plain lingerie and loose wardrobe Mom approved for me, wasn’t about modesty, but about her insecurity. No neckline was ever high enough, no taupe bra plain enough.
Like the Big Bang Theory’s Amy Farrah-Fowler, I was taught to disguise both my good figure traits and figure flaws under baggy clothes. This bred body shame. Lots of it. Mom approved or vetoed my clothes choices until I was in my thirties. Sometime in my late twenties, I mentioned wanted sexy lingerie simply to buoy my own self-esteem. “Why,” she snapped, accusatorily, “who are you gonna show it off to!?” Slut-shamed yet again!
Imagine being the only girl in your class wearing velcro gym shoes!?! (Thanks, Dad! Nice going.)
Hair and Make-up
It goes without saying that if narcissistic mothers dress their daughters poorly, hair and make-up are going to be pathetic too!
I’ll never forget. Ever! Almost nineteen years old. Sick of having my fine hair straggling down my back, I asked permission to schedule my first salon haircut. Femina Secondus always asks permission from Femina Primus for every milestone, every femininity, every change.
..and oh the shit storm that blew up!! Mom fought with me, tooth and nail. (Frankly, I think she was fighting my dad’s battle. “He likes women to have long hair,” she told me.) Finally, at her wit’s end, she yelled, “Fine! Shave your head for all I care!”
I had my hair shortened and layered. The natural curl spray to life. Mom loved it, then she cut her stick-straight hair even shorter than mine. Dad raved over hers; ignored mine. Well, he knows which side his bread is buttered on.
And don’t even get me started on make-up. Our grandmothers believed that make-up is to invisibly enhance your natural beauty, but the younger generation sees make-up as a kind of art. Like stage make-up. What would have been interpreted as “whorish” a hundred years ago, is “normal” today. But I bet your mom fished a used kleenex out of her sleeve, rubbed off half your eyeliner and made you blot your Taylor Swift red lipstick before you left the house. Right? Me too!
Fine Wine and Spring Chickens
When Rachel Potter auditioned for America’s Got Talent, she was nervous due to her “advanced” age of twenty-nine. The judge responded:
Honey, why would you want to be a Spring chicken,
when you can be a fine wine.
Exactly! So you’re getting older and nothing is quite as smooth and perky as it once was. So what! There are ten wrinkles at the corner of my mouth on each side when I smile and I rather like it. “Wrinkles are just where smiles have been!”
Narcissistic mothers — Please accept aging gracefully. Time is a blessing! If you’ve been given lots of it and it shows on your face, be grateful for the time you’ve been given! Stop competing with the next generation. Let your daughters and granddaughters blossom in their own unique ways. You don’t need to be threatened! Remember? You’re a fine wine. “Make it Claret. . .Chateau Margaux 1893 or thereabouts.” (Lord Peter Wimsey) Ooh, la, la.
Gone are the days when “women of a certain age” succumbed to crossword puzzles and blue-rinsed poofy perms. There’s no need to look like the Cookie Monster. “Women of a certain age” nowadays are still attractive, still sexy — just knock-off competing with us Spring Chickens!
Daughters of narcissistic mothers — Enjoy your femininity! Get yourself that sexy lingerie. Throw out your mother-approved dowdy wardrobe and buy what you like. Give yourself a makeover how you want – change everything that smacks of your jealous, competitive mother and embrace your authentic individuality! And, most of all, cling to your man and have those babies! Don’t let anyone steal your birthright as a beautiful, sexy, attractive woman!