Why haven’t you gone No Contact with your narcissistic relatives yet? Why!?! WHY!?!
Why are you still speaking to the mother who projected her vices onto you, yelled, screamed and punished you for what she (and your siblings) actually did, and made your childhood a living Hell?
Why are you still chatting with the father who groomed you, molested, sexually abused, raped you?
Why are you still celebrating holidays with siblings who make snide comments and in-laws who incestuously “come on” to you and/or your boyfriend, girlfriend, spouse?
Why are you still hobnobbing with relatives who tempt and challenge your sobriety?
WHY ARE YOU STILL IN CONTACT WITH NARCISSISTS!?!
I’ll be very frank. Your shilly-shallying, half-assed attempts and excuses piss me off. Perhaps that’s because I see myself in you. It’s terrifying to go No Contact. But sometimes, we need a kick in the behind to make the right decision. Consider this article that kick. I’m calling you out for your weakness, your fear, your false guilt. The same weakness, fear and guilt I struggled with, too.
When you go No Contact, you damn yourself to a lifetime of guilt — true, false or otherwise. It is unnatural not to speak to those closest to you. Those you love the most, those who share your DNA, your memories. Those who you should share your most precious moments — weddings, births, deathbed goodbyes. All that goes away when you go No Contact.
No Contact should never be necessary, but sometimes the unthinkable happens. It becomes essential.
When you go No Contact, you lose your support system. When the chips are down, your family will not “be there” for you in adversity. (Would they really be there anyway?) You become reliant solely on your own work ethic and resourcefulness, and sometimes on the generosity and kindness of friends and strangers. You have torched your own safety net. Whatever happens — illness, bankruptcy, disability, loss, death — you must now face it alone. Utterly alone.
“But I want them at my wedding,” you say. “I know my dad’s kind-of an ass, but I want him to walk me down the aisle and give me away. I know my relatives always ruin these events, but maybe I’ll just invite a few of them.” Been there. Done that. Kicking myself in the ass for being such a schmuck. Seriously, do you want your special day ruined!?! It’s not like you don’t already know it will happen. So why aren’t you eloping!?!
My passion for No Contact becomes a frenzy when you tell me that there was sexual abuse in your family. Incest. Rape. There usually is in narcissistic families. What the hell are you thinking!?! Why the hell are you still fraternizing with your abuser!?! Put it in the third person. Would you cross the street to spit on the shoes of a pedophile who abused some other innocent child? Of course not! Then why, in the name of sanity, are you still talking to your rapist?
Worse still, why are you allowing your children to be around that person? “Only under tight supervision,” I hear you say. Bullshit! It only takes a moment of distraction and your child will be the next victim. I once heard of a woman who’d been raped by her own father. “Surely,” she said, “he won’t do that to his precious little granddaughters.” So she took the kids to stay with Grampy. He raped them.
What can you, your family, your kids possibly gain by spending “quality time” over Christmas with any abuser even if they are a blood relative!?! No one needs (so-called) family like that!
I’ve seen life from both sides of No Contact. I’ve watched a woman spend six decades and try every trick in the book to maintain a relationship with her narcissistic mother. In the end, she lost her mental health and her only child. Her “loving mother” didn’t give one shit.
Was it really worth it?
I chose the opposite tack. Within three weeks of discovering narcissism, I went No Contact. Profoundly No Contact. Four years later, I’m happier, healthier, free-er and more light-hearted than I’ve ever been before. No one hurts me anymore, in the name of “love.” No one hurts nor disrespects my family anymore. If they do, they’re gone. Bye. Sayonara. Auf wiedersehen.
Sure, we’re alone. Sure, there’s little safety net, but there are no guarantees in life anyway. Sooner or later, you will be alone. I’d rather have it on my terms. Learn the tricks of the trade early, before it’s a shock or I lose my youthful resilience.
So why, in the name of your sanity, are you still talking to abusers and narcissists when you could possibly find a way to be completely independent from them in every way – geographically, financially, socially? Why do you claim to be “working up” to No Contact or thinking about it or “taking it in easy stages.” WHY!? What’s your excuse…cause I’m not buying it anymore. Do you need to be hurt more? Does your family need to be hurt more? (Wait, wait. Don’t tell me. They haven’t done or said anything quite bad enough to excuse going NC. Really!?! The abuse is cumulative! And plus, you’re allowed to do what you want to do, just because you want to do it. Imagine that!)
Here’s that kick in the ass: I don’t think you have any intentions of going NC — or you would have done it already. Put up or shut up. That’s how I was raised and sometimes it’s good to be absolutely decisive. Even your abusers will respect you for it, grudgingly, even if they also hate you for it. So grow a pair!
In the words of my extremely eloquent (if not very PC) great-grandfather, “Shit and get off the pot!”
*** RANT OVER ***