Did Narcissism Just Kill Another Marriage?
She was very young. He was very young. They were very much in love, so they eloped.
But her overtly, in-your-face, textbook narcissistic Daddy was not pleased. Hell no! He didn’t get to enjoy the power play of being asked for his daughter’s hand in marriage. He didn’t get to give the nervously perspiring suitor the “once over” and the “lecture.” He didn’t get to plan the biggest, fanciest wedding ever seen. He didn’t get to have fresh Botox in preparation for his big day, I mean, his daughter’s big day. He didn’t get to bask in the admiration of all the eyes watching him walk down the aisle…oh, with his daughter on his arm. He didn’t get to show off his moves on the dance-floor during the reception…with his daughter.
Hell no! Daddy was not pleased at all.
Seven years later, the marriage is over. And Daddy don’t mind a bit.
Here’s my Post Mortem of yet another marriage destroyed by narcissism. Of course, I might be all wet, but c’mon! It doesn’t take a brain surgeon to figure out what happened.
If there’s one thing children of narcissists know, it’s this: No one will ever be good enough for them to marry. My goodness, no! N-Mommy and N-Daddy told them so.
Narcissistic mothers of Mamma’s Boys are genius at ruining their son’s romantic relationships. If, by some miracle, their son does manage to make it to the altar, N-Mom considers her daughter-in-law to be the “other” woman. That whore who stole their precious little boy and doesn’t nearly take good enough care of him. DIL doesn’t stand a chance.
Narcissistic fathers will never approve of any man being good enough to marry their daughter. If they can’t have their daughter, no other man can. But they couch their jealousy and convert (emotional) incest by brainwashing her into believing that none of her boyfriends are “good enough.” No man is respectful enough. No man is successful enough. No man will treat her as well as her Daddy treats her. (Barf!)
Instinctively, sons and daughters of narcissists know that elopement is just about the only way they can ever get married. Of course, you can waste thousands on a fancy wedding if you want…but be prepared for the narcissist to find a way to ruin your special day. They always do.
Better to elope. Definitely elope.
So that’s what the couple I mentioned above did. They eloped. And boy! Was Daddy pissed! There was no way he would ever accept the marriage and his new son-in-law under any terms…ever.
In a recent interview about the divorce, his comments are extremely interesting. He talks about respect. Naturally, one assumes that he’s referring to his ex-SIL’s respect for the daughter. Eau contraire! When you really listen to it carefully, you realize that he’s talking about his ex-SIL’s disrespect for him, Narcissistic Daddy.
Here’s what he said:
“I had a problem with how the marriage started….I don’t think the marriage
started the way that it should have. Certainly not the way that a father would like to see a marriage starting.
A father has in his dreams when he has a child that, um…
that a young man is going to come and knock on the door one day and say,
‘Mr. ______, I love your daughter so much and may I have her hand in marriage.
That never, that never happened. The level of respect wasn’t there.
But [daughter] should never have condoned that disrespect.
I don’t believe that people disrespect that unless you allow it….”
It’s all about N-Daddy…not his daughter, the woman actually in the marriage. His power had been stolen by their elopement. He never forgot. He never forgave. For him, their marriage wasn’t a marriage at all. It was a travesty.
Besides money woes, in-laws is the biggest source of angst in any marriage. And if the in-laws are narcissists, well, the problem is on steroids. Sure, you can try walking the fine line of pleasing everybody, but it really is hopeless.
That was the first mistake this daughter made. She tried to get Daddy to accept her husband. To like her husband. To give a retroactive blessing to make their marriage legitimate. (FLASH! It always was legit!)
Ah, hope springs Eternal. But seriously, Sweetheart…fugetaboutit! Daddy wasn’t having any of it. Oh, he went through the motions, but it didn’t mean a damn thing. As far as he was concerned, your bond was invalid cause HE didn’t create it, approve it, bless it, control it and pay for it.
That’s when she should’ve remembered the old adage to “leave and cleave.” She should’ve “leaved” Daddy and “cleaved” 100% to her man. But she didn’t because of…
Daddy’s filthy. Filthy rich, that is. He owns millions. Or perhaps he owes millions. No one seems to be quite sure.
Daddy could keep her in the manner to which she’d become accustomed. The clothes. The hair. The boob job. All the things Hubby couldn’t afford to give her. Things her perfectly-plastic family expected her to have.
So she took Daddy’s money. But I suspect it came at too high a price. The price of loyalty to her husband.
I don’t actually know what happened…but I can guess. I bet she complained about her husband to her Dad. (Huge mistake! Never do it!) And Dad said no daughter of his should be treated like that. She deserved more respect. She could do so much better. Yadada. Yadada. Yadada.
I betcha she went home and repeated what “Daddy said” to Hubby. And Hubby hit the roof. Hard-working Hubby who just wanted a normal marriage to his wife…not a menage a trois with his wife AND her Daddy.
So they fought and argued, made up, then fought again.
And now…it’s over.
She’s going back to Daddy. Daddy’s “love.” Daddy’s “care.” Daddy’s “respect.” Daddy’s money. Kickin’ her husband to the curb and takin’ the kid…because Daddy told her so. It all reeks to High Heaven of covert incest…very classy stuff…nothing physical…but let’s face it. She belongs to Daddy…lock, stock, barrel and the fake boobs Daddy bought for her.
If only she’d kicked Daddy to the curb instead.
Daddy Ain’t Shed a Tear
From the interview, it’s a little hard to tell how anyone really feels about the split. They may think they’re emoting like mad, but the Botox doesn’t let it show through. I think the daughter looks sad.
But Daddy ain’t shed a tear. I’d say he looks quietly triumphant!
Maybe, someday, he’ll allow his daughter to marry again. Rest assured, her second husband will be hand-picked by Daddy and extremely rich. Best of all, he’ll be subservient and yielding to Daddy’s iron will. Daddy will make sure of that! Ah, what a wedding that will be…sold to the network for the price of a big, fat, juicy special.
What more could a narcissistic Daddy want!?
Steps for a Happy, Narcissist-less Marriage
- Accept that your narcissistic parents will never approve of your choice of spouse.
- Get engaged anyways.
- Don’t have a wedding. Elope.
- Don’t expect your marriage nor spouse to be accepted by your in-laws.
- Go “No Contact” with the in-laws.
- Live happily ever after.
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Thompson, L. (2017). Did Narcissism Just Kill Another Marriage?. Psych Central. Retrieved on October 17, 2017, from https://blogs.psychcentral.com/narcissism/2017/02/did-narcissism-just-kill-another-marriage/