Facebook is the dream-come-true for narcissists who resent being ignored. It’s their loophole in your No Contact policy. And when it comes to social media, they know every trick in the book. Luckily, we can stay one step ahead.
While many of my Facebook friends use assumed names to protect themselves from their narcissistic families, their family members also use assumed names. It’s how they trick the “No Contact” family into again having contact with them.
Take for example the highly fictitious “Ricky Stroker” and violinist “Jordan Weber” who recently contacted me, all caring and concerned about my husband’s health. Yeah. Right. Who do they think I am? Little Nell from the country?
What part of No Contact do they not understand?
I surely understand not wanting to reveal too much personal detail online, but c’mon! A real Facebook profile is pretty obvious. It has some history, some details, a few interests, a group membership or two, a little homey personality.
So before replying to messages from unknown strangers, check out their profile.
Do they have a public friends list or, at the very least, a fairly high count of unlisted friends?
Is their profile picture real or taken from stock photos?
Does their profile have a personalized banner? If not, that’s a clue! If so, does it look too professional?
Remember how impatience is a vital part of the narcissistic temperament? It also provides a glaring clue on Facebook profiles. Their upset, emotional and angry. They just want to slap it up there to get to you.
They don’t take the time to build up a believable Timeline. Oh, they throw a few posts up there, mostly memes, memes and more memes. Y’know the kind, all about mother-love and families. Just the kind to inculcate false guilt in you. But scroll down and you’ll see their beginning post isn’t too far down the line.
Then You Get A Message
When it comes to Facebook messages, your gut is your best friend. Follow your gut. Pay attention to your instincts.
Does the message give you a weird vibe? Does the raw nerve the narcissist used to play on like a fiddle begin to hum? Do you know, just know, that it’s THEM.
It’s their way of writing. It’s their way of spelling or misspelling words. It’s their syntax and cliches. It’s their punctuation or lack thereof. Everything, and I mean everything, about that message makes your instinct scream, “It’s them!”
As Addison DeWitt said in All About Eve, “That instinct is worth millions, you can’t buy it, cherish it, Eve. When that alarm goes off, go to your battle stations…”
Content of Message
Does the sender identify themselves in the message? Do they tell you what mutual group you’re both in? Do they say how they found you? If not, that’s a clue.
Do they express overt worry, care and solicitation, for no particular reason? That’s a clue.
Do they sling false guilt? Ye olde, “I just want to see you once before I die.” That’s a clue.
Do they offer you something, like money or a donation? That’s a huge clue.
When In Doubt, Block & Report
They say, “To err is human, to forgive Divine.” I like to err on the side of caution. If you suspect a false profile with a hanky-panky message…
- Do NOT respond.
- Take a screenshot of the message and save it.
- Take a screenshot of the Facebook profile and save it.
- Report the Facebook profile to Facebook.
- Block, block, block!
And if you have a Order for Protection or Harrassment Restraining Order against the person, this may count as a reportable violation.
If you find yourself suddenly locked out of Facebook and other online venues, you’ve got ’em! Been there!
When you contact the Social Media venue to request a new password, be sure to let them know that you were hacked. Request the IP address of the hacker. Get any and all details available.
If you run your own website, definitely use one or more analytical software to determine who’s been on your website. Most of these sites will even provide you with the IP address and ISP of each visitor with the latitude and longitude of the location of the hit. It’s child’s play to use a site like www.ip2location.com to dig down into the details.
Forewarned is forearmed!
No Contact is Sacred
Facebook is a great venue. There are scads of groups for venting, learning and support as we recover from Narcissistic abuse. But Facebook can also be a trap when narcissists use it to trick us into accidentally violating No Contact. But if we’re smart and savvy, the trap can be avoided!
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