My Facebook friends are the best! Several months ago, they contributed real-life scenarios they experienced courtesy of people suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder. The original article formed from their stories was entitled If (Fill-In-The-Blank)…You Might Be a Narcissist (Pt 1). It went crazy! But there were so many stories that I then published another “If…Then” article on the Huffington Post. But there were even more stories. Please enjoy these brand new scenarios, never seen before, presented in the “If…Then” style of legendary redneck comedian Jeff Foxworthy. Unfortunately, there’s nothing funny about these stories.
A huge thanks to everyone on Facebook who contributed to this article!
If you have to fire seven people in one year because “they were the crazy ones”…you might be a narcissist.
If you ask someone to help you, then yell, snap and roll your eyes at them while they help while blaming them for being the difficult one…you might be a narcissist.
If someone tells you they aren’t interested in what you’re trying to sell and you get nasty…you might be a narcissist.
If you badmouth every successful person simply for being successful while whining that you can never get ahead while working part-time hours…you might be a narcissist.
If you make your husband’s family buy you $90,000 worth of purebred horses for a “breeding program” and never breed them (instead you try to breed your daughter’s twenty-year old mare because you really don’t want your daughter to ride anyways)…you might be a narcissist.
If you con your parents into paying you $954,000 USD for you to refurbish their two bathrooms (and then do it all wrong!) and refuse to take any responsibility and claim you did them a huge favor…you might be a narcissist.
If you believe all the pathological lies that come out of your mouth…you might be a narcissist.
If you tell your 9-yr-old daughter that you sent her daddy away and she can’t see him while she’s recovering in hospital from appendix surgery…you might be a narcissist.
If your mom falls down the stairs and you don’t bother to help her…you might be a narcissist.
If you have to have basic human nature explained to you (like people don’t like it when you vent your anger on them, you should be courteous to waiters and if you want people to be nice to you then be nice to them)…you might be a narcissist.
If you can make a statement you know is hurtful or rude but you scream that they can’t take a joke and all you wanted to do was have fun…you might be a narcissist.
If your response to a mother who lost her son to cancer is, “Oh, sorry. I just got married again. Still in the honeymoon phase!”…you might be a narcissist.
If you demand to be driven to the fitness center fifteen minutes after your wife has a painful medical procedure, then fly into a rage calling her selfish and lazy beause she’s exhausted from the procedure…you might be a narcissist.
If you take your daughter to the cheapest “shack in the backyard” type of dentists you can find…you might be a narcissist.
If you scream at your friends’ daughter just for being a normal teenager then can’t understand why her father would defend her…you might be a narcissist.
If you tell people your little sister is crazy, neurotic, bi-polar and lazy full-well knowing she’s been crying for days from heartbreak…you might be a narcissist.
If your bi-polar daughter is having an episode and you refuse to take her to the hospital…you might be a narcissist.
If you get a “high” from hearing your granddaughter has cancer and your first question is “Where’s my phone?”…you might be a narcissist.
If you say, “If I could get $100k for selling my child, I would do it. I can always have more kids!”…you might be a narcissist.
If you’ve ever had your wife attempt suicide and then said, “Look what she’s trying to do to me!” …you might be a narcissist.
If you force yourself on your wife while she cries “No!” sobbing and then say, “Do you know how lucky you are I still desire you” after climaxing…you might be a narcissist. Oh yeah…and a rapist!
If you punch your elderly father and then say, “Yes, I did hit him and I’m proud of myself for holding back. I’m trained in ninjutsu so I knew what I was doing”…you might be a narcissist.
If you beat your five-year-old daughter’s bottom bright red with a hairbrush for getting grass stains on her clothes (while sobbing “This hurts me more than it hurts you” and making the child the child say “I’m sorry for making you beat me, Mommy”)…you might be a narcissist.
If you point a BB gun at your teenage niece, threaten to shoot her and tell her that you threw all her things in the swamp because she said something you didn’t like…you might be a narcissist.
If you ask your sister to help empty the ice water out of the boat moored on the fjord then hold her head under the water, then have her beaten for biting your hand as she was fighting for her life. .you might be a narcissist.
If the first thing you say to your daughter after she tells you the man from church touched her private part is, “Are you sure? Because that kind of thing can ruin a man’s life”…you might be a narcissist.
If you think it’s okay and normal to let three men from the church come into the house and interrogate your fifteen-year-old daughter about her sex life…you might be a narcissist.
If you believe these men when they claim that your fifteen-year-old daughter has seduced a grown man and must be punished with house arrest and physical abuse…you might be a narcissist.
If your mother assaults you and tells you, “This is what men are going to do to you”…she might be a narcissist.
If you think it’s just boyish fun when your husband pulls down your daughter’s underwear while she’s menstruating and smacks her butt in front of older brother and his friend…you might be a narcissist.
If you’re angry at your daughter for developing breasts just to “distract her father and brother”…you might be a narcissist.
Again, these were real-life stories. They actually happened. And they’re unutterably sad!
Got an “if…then” scenario!? Please share it in the Comments section!
Thanks for reading!