Sex & the Narcissist: Sex Addict (Pt 2)
[TRIGGER WARNING: FRANK SEXUAL CONTENT] Narcissistic sexuality is on a spectrum. In Part 1 we discussed the so-called “vanilla” or cerebral narcissists, who starve their partners a lá sadism and prefer solitary sex. Today, we’ll discuss those “chocolate” narcissists on the other end of the spectrum: sex addicts. I’m indebted to my Facebook friends and acquaintances for sharing their real-life sex stories with me.
This is their story. This is your story.
The Honeymoon Phase
He’s the best you’ve ever had. The sex is hot, hot, hot. This is IT. You’re sure of it.
So you take the next step. Move in together. Get engaged. Get married.
And something changes.
The honeymoon wanes…fast. You’re not scorching the sheets anymore. Not that the relationship is sexless. But it’s taken a bad turn.
I’m using the male pronoun throughout this article, but feel free to substitute the female pronoun. I discuss female sex addicts later in the article.
Sometimes you wake up just as he penetrates…a shock you privately call “sleep rape.” But even when the sex is consensual, the connection is gone. There’s zero foreplay. He insists in being in that on top, in control position. Or he may prefer doggy style so there’s no eye contact. Sex has devolved into slam, bam…not even a “thank you, ma’am.” He gets mad that the earth isn’t moving for you.
And it’s your fault. If you were more adventurous, if you indulged his fetishes…things would “hot up” he tells you.
So you ignore your claustrophobia and acquiesce to a little harmless S&M. It’s a decision you immediately regret as his hand closes on your throat, choking you as he indulges his rape fetish. And guess what!? He takes great offense that you didn’t enjoy it.
But what he really wants is a threesome. He’s always fantasized about a threesome. Claims he’s never had a threesome. If you’d just dig up a third party, then he’d be happy. It would revitalize your sex life, he assures you.
So you do it. Your first and last threesome.
“Hey, babe,” he says afterwards when you voice your remorse, “I was just kidding. Testin’ ya. I didn’t think you’d actually go for a ménage à trois.” In a wave of sickening regret, you can’t believe how you defied all your principles to play his sick game, to indulge his fantasy…and he’s still not happy with you.
You’re over it and over him. The more he demands sex, the more you withdraw. Over and over he yells that he needs sex, it’s your wifely duty, you owe him…and if he can’t get it from you, he’ll get it elsewhere. On the rare occasions you do agree to sex, you vomit beforehand knowing it’ll be fast, impersonal and rough.
You. Can’t. Win.
Then things change. He can’t get it up anymore. Now all he wants are hand jobs. Quick. Impersonal. Unfortunately, you don’t do that right either, he tells you, because you can’t get him off. Truth to tell, he can’t get off during sex anymore either. It takes porn, the nastiest kind of porn, to bring him to climax.
Naturally, that’s your fault too.
Taking it “Down the Road”
He’s always threatening to take his dick “down the road” since you “can’t” satisfy him. So one day you do a little detective work. What you find shocks…and validates your worst suspicions and fears.
Oh, he’s not just planning to take it down the road…future tense. Oh no! He’s been down that road for a long, long time…past, present and future tense.
His phone is chock-full of sexting, nude pics, an address book full of babes. Single chicks, married women, your best friend. His email is full of sexy emails…even poetry written to who-knows-whom. And his browser history overflows with porn.
Your worst fears are realized. He’s a sex addict. And a reckless one at that. (Better get an STD test!)
Confront him at your peril for he’ll project his infidelity in screamed accusations at you. You’re the cheater, he screams! And if he was cheating, which he denies, it’s all your fault. You can take it to the bank.
Not Unusual At All
That story is an amalgamation of real life stories my Facebook friends have told me. It’s not made up. It’s not far fetched. Not dramatized. If anything, I excluded some of the juicier details.
So why does it happen? Well, here’s a theory based on the premise that “no one’s home” for a narcissist. It’s hard to have a relationship if you don’t exist. It’s hard to be intimate if you’re no one. But if minds can’t meet, bodies sure can. Narcs confuse sex with intimacy. For a moment, the endorphin-driven “high” of sex fills their void.
They’re always seeking their next “high.” A new, exciting fetish. Or better still, new conquests, an ever growing list of new partners in their constant and ill-fated search for the next high, a higher high…or an encore of a past high magnified and mythologized by the golden glow of memory.
It’s Not You
Ladies, I know your heart is bleeding. I know you’ve lost your libido and despair of ever having a normal relationship. I know he destroyed your sexuality…then blamed it on you.
Let me just say this:
It’s Not You!
You aren’t the problem. You never were.
The greatest sex organ isn’t between the legs. It’s between the ears. And the grey stuff between a narcs ears is, very sadly, messed up. Unable to appreciate the great gal you are. But a non-narc can and will love your for who you are..oh, and the sex will be g-r-e-a-t!
The Lady Is a Narc
I’m indebted to my gentlemen Facebook friends for giving me some clues into lady narc’s sexuality. In their sex addiction, they’re like their male counterparts…on steroids. Y’know what they say. Something about the female of the species being more deadly than the male.
They love seducing a nice man, only to say “no” at the last possible moment to feed of his frustration. Score!
They love seducing their friends’ and acquaintances’ husbands or boyfriends. Score!
They love creating scenarios where they can falsely claim domestic violence…even rape. Their boyfriends and husbands learn to document, document, document and record everything. For she’s oh! so damn cool, calm and convincing in court.
Every new conquest, every man stolen away from a nice girl, every man seduced and then frustrated is a boost to her non-existent ego. It’s the “high” of being wanted, of being desired, of winning.
She doesn’t care about the sex. Truth to tell, she’s really quite frigid. It’s about her ego, not her orgasm.
Thanks for Reading
I want to thank you for reading these articles about narcissists and their sexuality. These were perhaps the most difficult articles I’ve ever written. The topic was so delicate…so shattering. If they’ve helped you in some small way, please subscribe!
Thanks for reading, feel free to leave a comment and have a great weekend!
This article is for informational and educational purposes only. Under no circumstances should it be considered therapy nor replace therapy and treatment. If you are feeling suicidal, thinking about hurting yourself, or are concerned that someone you know may be in danger of hurting himself or herself, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255). It is available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and is staffed by certified crisis response professionals. The content of these blogs and all blogs written by Lenora Thompson are merely her opinion. If you are in need of help, please contact qualified mental health professionals.
Thompson, L. (2016). Sex & the Narcissist: Sex Addict (Pt 2). Psych Central. Retrieved on November 21, 2017, from https://blogs.psychcentral.com/narcissism/2016/08/sex-the-narcissist-sex-addict-pt-2/