advertisement
Home » Blogs » Narcissism Meets Normalcy » My First Therapy Session!

My First Therapy Session!

It’s 3 a.m. I’m under a hot shower, trying desperately to wash away the filth I feel after spilling the beans on the abuse I endured to my new psychologist. Seven pages of narcissistic abuse. And that was the “Cliff Notes” version.

The fragile equilibrium that’s allowed me to laugh, smile and keep on a-truckin’ from 30+ years of narcissistic abuse has been shattered. He saw through my well-honed act… and called me on it. Called my bluff by saying, “Your symptoms don’t match your story. You function so well. For example, your anxiety levels should be much worse.”

Of course, I’ve been at this recovery thing for, well, since going No Contact 2.5 years ago.

In a way, his comment made me feel good. I’ve always been a fighter. Forced to face my fears. Do the thing that scared me. Never, ever give in. Or as I told him, “My dad had cancer. My mom had agoraphobia. My husband has a terminal lung disease. I don’t have the luxury of wallowing. Go, go, go. Story of my life.”

I’m gonna chronicle each-and-every therapy session here. Want to know as soon as they’re posted? Subscribe!

liked having someone see straight through me. Liked being called upon to be real. Liked it a lot.

But I don’t know how to be real. I’ve been doing this act for so long, it’s on autopilot.

And I’m scared. Afraid I won’t do therapy perfectly. That I’ll let myself down. Let my husband down. Waste the money. Even let the therapist down. (Yeah, yeah, I know I’m being codependent, perfectionistic…whatever.)

The psychologist said therapy is all about me. That’s scary too. When I lived alone, it was okay to be me-centric. Oh, I felt guilty for it, but I did it anyways because, for the first time in my life, there was no one else to take care of. I could be as hedonistic as I wanted and no one knew.

Then I got married and the codependence went into overdrive. Michael hates it, but I can’t stop it!

Now, when the hedonism of me-centric therapy is offered on a golden platter, I’m terrified. It sounds so…so egotistical. So selfish. I don’t know if I can do this right.

I didn’t exactly intend to get into therapy. No, I went there for information. For confirmation, validation and documentation. But therapy…no. I couldn’t afford it. (Thank God for their sliding payment scale!)

But now I’m hooked. The psychologist said he can help me feel so much happier. I have a tremendous capacity for happiness. Believe it or not, I wake up happy every morning. Roll over, make sure my husband’s still breathing, gaze at his angelic face and feel even happier. Then I remember my parents and my upbringing. And it’s downhill from there.

Maybe he can help me with that. Help me release the past. Stop trying to “fix it” in my imagination. (Is that what they call “bargaining”?)

I realize that I made a boo-boo in my healing process. Sure, I tipped my hat to grieving. There were a couple of memorable times when those guttural sobs deep from within wracked my frame. But even then, denial and doubt flirted in the back of my mind. Surely, surely they must’ve had good reasons, acceptable reasons for everything they did. They would never have knowingly done wrong or abused me. They love me! It was all done from love and for my good because I’m such a bad girl! Surely it’s all one big misunderstanding. What’s not okay for others to do, must be okay for them to do…somehow, someway.

Perhaps this psychologist will disabuse me of my denial. If I recall right, that’s what he said he’d do by educating me on what normalcy actually is.

And just live. In the present. “In the moment.” I know it sounds cliché, but there’s a lot of truth in that cliché.

And maybe that’s why I’m in therapy. Because I’m stuck. Hit a plateau in the healing process because I still haven’t accepted the reality and extent of the abuse. Maybe, I don’t even know it. The mind control is so strong!

I’m scared of the amount of pain smooshed deep down inside. Scared that if I wiggle the pin on that rusty ol’ grenade, the explosion might be more than I can handle. I’ve peaked a few times..and the sobs felt like they were coming from way down deep in my guts. Like an Irish woman rocking and keening by an ashy fire, the sobs are gutteral, the pressure so intense the blood vessels around my eyes explode.

But it’s got to be done. I’m sick of feeling this way.

I better go invest in some kick-ass waterproof mascara. I’m gonna need it!


Got a story? Share it in comments!

For more rants, ravings and reverse engineering of narcissism, please visit www.lenorathompsonwriter.com and don’t forget to subscribe for daily updates by email. Thanks!

This article is for informational and educational purposes only. Under no circumstances should it be considered therapy nor replace therapy and treatment. If you are feeling suicidal, thinking about hurting yourself, or are concerned that someone you know may be in danger of hurting himself or herself, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255). It is available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and is staffed by certified crisis response professionals. The content of these blogs and all blogs written by Lenora Thompson are merely her opinion. If you are in need of help, please contact qualified mental health professionals.
My First Therapy Session!


Lenora Thompson

Lenora Thompson is a syndicated Huffington Post freelance writer and food blogger. Her readers call her the "Edward Snowden" and "Wikileaks" of narcissism because of her no-holds-barred-take-no-prisoners approach to writing about narcissism. “Narcissism Meets Normalcy” is the real-life, ongoing story of her healing journey from being held “hostage” by a multi-generational, cult-like narcissistic family. It's gritty and real, bloody and bruised, humorous and sarcastic. Lenora Thompson considers herself a “whistleblower,” shining a spotlight on narcissistic abuse so others can also claim their freedom and experience healing. To learn more about Lenora, her husband Michael's heroic battle with Pulmonary Alveolar Proteinosis and to read her writings about food, please visit www.lenorathompsonwriter.com. Thank you!


5 comments: View Comments / Leave a Comment

 

 

APA Reference
Thompson, L. (2016). My First Therapy Session!. Psych Central. Retrieved on November 19, 2019, from https://blogs.psychcentral.com/narcissism/2016/05/my-first-therapy-session/

 

Last updated: 19 May 2016
Statement of review: Psych Central does not review the content that appears in our blog network (blogs.psychcentral.com) prior to publication. All opinions expressed herein are exclusively those of the author alone, and do not reflect the views of the editorial staff or management of Psych Central. Published on PsychCentral.com. All rights reserved.