He’s the neighbor you secretly call “The A**hole.” He’s always shoveling your snow or mowing your grass because you simply don’t do it right! He’s your friendly Neighborhood Narcissist or “NN” as I like to call him (or her). Join me in a chuckle at his expense.
You can always tell a narcissist by their manicured lawn. The grass looks like it was groomed with a comb and a brush. The merest wriggle of rose bush or grass blade is “swiftly and severely punished.” Dandelions are afraid to show their beautiful golden faces.
And you, poor slob? Well, you can never groom your lawn well enough as far as NN is concerned. Each week, he encroaches further and further over the lot line with his mower. Believe me, his sole motivation is to show you “how it should be done.” Or so he tells his family.
The further he and his mower trespass into your property, the less of your yard you have to mow. So like any normal person, you mow less and less while he mows more and more. And why not!?
Rest assured he’s ripping you a new one behind closed doors. You’re the asshole neighbor who’s taking advantage of him.
Dear Neighbors – This is not about you! I really appreciate it when you plow my driveway!
If you happen to live in Cold Climes and next to a narcissist, you already know that you can never shovel the sidewalk well enough to please him. You may think you’re done shoveling and go indoors for a hot chocolate, but he’s far from pleased with the state of your walk.
As you kick back and relax, he’s still out there, shovel in hand, frost-bite pinching his cheeks, somber expression on this face…massaging his sidewalk and your sidewalk into snow-free perfection.
Technically, he’s trespassing. But what the heck!
If NN is retired, he’s got even more time on his hands to study your property with dissatisfaction and disapproval. Lacking that lovely thing called “boundaries,” his angst will eventually drive him to take your woefully inadequate property upkeep into his own hands. Coming home from a long, hard day at the office, you may notice that all the weeds betwixt your garage and the alley have magically disappeared. That’s just one example.
Just smile to yourself. Hey! It kept NN “off the streets and out of the pool rooms.” And he’s busily bragging about pulling your weeds while shredding your reputation as a homeowner. Don’t worry. People with a sense of normalcy will see right through his bullshit.
If NN is of a religious persuasion, you may find him on your doorstep, religious tome and tracts in hand, bent on saving your eternal soul. This is a tricky one. Whatever you do, you lose.
If you drop to your knees at his bidding, he just got another notch on his Bible cover for souls saved.
But if you don’t, he’ll spend the rest of your natural life whispering that you were prideful and stubborn, determined to remain in your sin. Well, he did his duty! His hands and conscience are clean of responsibility for your immortal soul.
Yadda, yadda, yadda. And a couple of laa-dee-da’s!
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Yeah, we all like to keep an eye on our neighbors to see what they’re up to, but NN’s take snooping to the next level. It’s practically a vocation to them. Your every move will be scrutinized and pondered “secretly” from behind sheer curtains. Your bedtime will be ascertained and thoroughly discussed from when your lights go on and off. Your habits, friends, romances, children, visitors and relatives will be critiqued and cataloged. You’ll be stalked on social media and your past dug up from online court records.
NN is convinced he missed his calling. He should’ve been a detective.
No sooner do they find out a juicy tidbit of gossip about you, but it’s blasted out to all and sundry. Forget high-speed internet! The fastest, latest technology can’t compete with a narcissist with a juicy bit of gossip. They can spread it further and faster than the fastest fiber optic cable. Human Information Superhighways…that’s what they are.
If NN has the time, money and energy, his house will be that one house on the block that positively pulsates with Christmas lights. You’d be hard-pressed to find a square inch not festooned with a mini lightbulb, blow-up santa or glowing plastic reindeer. Yeah, you know what I’m talkin’ about!
He’ll have some choice words to say about all the money he pays to the electric company…as if it’s your fault.
Let’s say you’ve just bought a new car. Well, not “new” new. But new to you! In other words, a jolly nice used car.
Within the week, he’ll being driving a new car too. And I don’t mean new to him. I mean new new. There’ll be an extra hitch in his giddy-up as he saunters to and from his new ride. Comment or don’t comment, as you wish. The one strokes his ego and the other assures him that you’re envious, which is the biggest ego stroke of all.
Narcissists as neighbors are a mixed box of chocolates and “You never know what you’re gonna get.” But you can make a pretty good guess!