Narcissists do and say the funniest things. Well, it’s only funny from a safe distance when not aimed at you! So, I thought, why not compile the funniest, the craziest, the furthest-out and most flabbergasting things narcs have said and done!?

Comedian Jeff Foxworthy is renowned for his signature comedy line, “If (insert redneck trait)…you might be a redneck.” One of my favorites is, “If you have an engine hangin’ in your tree…you might be a redneck!” So I thought, why not gather tales in the same format: “If (fill-in-the-blank-with narcissist’s-shenanigans)…you might be a narcissist.”

Disclaimer for my Haters: I don’t hate narcs. I hold out great hope they can heal and change. I know some narcissists who have changed and they have my great admiration! You see, I’m not gonna give up on you…so don’t give up on yourself! Just please…stop hurting other people. Okay!? Okay!

And, yes, there’s comedy even in narcissism! Let’s face it. Victims of narcissistic abuse desperately need a belly laugh. As Charlie Chaplin so powerfully demonstrated in The Great Dictator, nothing breaks the “power” of evil so quickly and so effectively as laughing at it. As Mr. Chips said, “Give a boy a sense of humor and a sense of proportion, and he’ll stand up to anything!”

And that’s why narc’s never, ever laugh at themselves…and fly into a rage if we do. So…here’s our big chance! It’s safe to do it this time!

If you contributed an “If…Then” story that isn’t in this article, don’t worry! I’m planning more articles that will include your tale too.

Thanks to the many subscribers and Facebook friends who generously shared their true-life “If…Then” tales for this article. They didn’t make any of this up. You can’t! You can’t make this shit up. Each one of these scenarios is 100% true.

Laugh, cry, shake your head in incredulity and then, please share “If…Then” scenarios from your own experience in the Comments section. And don’t forget to subscribe!


The Firebugs

None of these stories are from my life. So calm down, Family, and get over your sweet selves.

If you set yourself on fire (believing your girlfriend will come back to take care of you)…you might be a narcissist.

If you set fire to your own house in an attempt to frame your husband…you might be a narcissist.

The Ol’ Romantics

If you hit on your daughter’s husband and are genuinely surprised when he won’t leave her for you…you might be a narcissist.

If you tell your friends and family that your wife is cheating on you while you’re screwing your side ho…you might be a narcissist.

Click here to read my newest article, Parents Who Are Jealous of Their Kids.

If you swear to God and on your son’s life, your whore’s life and your dead mother’s soul that you’re faithful, yet have seven Facebook accounts with different names, an Instagram following over 6,000 porn pages, two Twitter accounts following thousands of naked women and countless online dating profiles….you might be a narcissist.

If you tell your family that your ex-wife is sabotaging your relationship with your mistress and that’s what makes it so hard for you and her…you might be a narcissist.

If you scream at your daughter, “You ruined my life, you little bitch” because you had to pick her up from school due to an allergic reaction causing you to miss a date when you already have another man…you might be a narcissist.

If you leave your daughter’s band concert early because you have to go be with your girlfriend…you might be a narcissist.

If you tell your kids their mother is a lesbian to justify your affair…you might be a narcissist.

If you’ve ever had three “soulmates” at the same time…you might be a narcissist.

If you’ve ever left your wife’s house, called #1 Girlfriend to tell her that you love her and then spent the night with #2 Girlfriend…you might be a narcissist.

Click here to read even more “If…Then” real-life scenarios on the Huffington Post!

The Cheapskates

If you go into a paddy (rage) that lasts 24/7 for four days because your wife ordered four books from Amazon that she really wanted…you might be a narcissist.

The Enviable

If you think everybody is envious of absolutely everything about you…you might be a narcissist.

The Swollen Heads

If you start sentences with “The Royal I” or “EVERYBODY says you are” or “We all think you are”…you might be a narcissist.

If you received a dishonorable discharge from the Marine Corps but still consider yourself a Marine…you might be a narcissist.

If you won’t listen to anyone tell you you’re tone deaf and can’t play the guitar…you might be a narcissist.

The Nosy/Guilty

If you hide a night vision camera in your own home and claim it’s so you can “Watch your plant (a cactus) grow”…you might be a narcissist.

If you suddenly scream, “You know, I’m NOT a narcissist!”…you might be a narcissist.

The Victims

If you send pics to your girlfriend of yourself lying on the train tracks (i.e. suicide), but the cops find you eating tacos and drinking beer at a restaurant…you might be a narcissist.

If half of your life history is how you were the victim of persecution and still came out ahead…you might be a narcissist. (Especially if none of it actually happened!)

If you fake a heart attack with great crocodile tears to get your daughter to change her airline flight but refuse medical attention…you might be a narcissist.

If you self-inflict injuries and then call a Domestic Violence hotline claiming “She did it!”…you might be a narcissist.

If you ignore cures for your much-complained of “ailment” or run away from the hospital before they can operate on your “ailment”…you might be a narcissist.

If you fake seizures so you can by-pass all queues and sit in the front of the bus…you might be a narcissist.

The Fashion Plates

If you constantly buy expensive brand-name clothing for yourself while the rest of the family wears hand-me-downs…you might be a narcissist.

If you refuse to see your grandchildren if they’re wearing blue jeans, but you wear blue jeans because you’re “a good gardener and not June Cleaver”…you might be a narcissist.

Want to read more “If…Then” true-life stories!?! Click here!

Okay, Okay…I Can’t Resist! Here’s one from me!

If you put library books in the hot dryer to “kill the bug eggs in the bindings” and then have to glue the melted books back together…you might be a paranoic crazy-ass narcissist. (I did not make that shit up!)


Again, thanks to everyone who contributed these tales. If you didn’t see your story here, it’s coming! I decided to lump the sad, abusive tales y’all shared in a separate article because they’re not funny…at all! Subscribe to receive notification when the next “If…Then” article is published.

Recommended Reading: S’Mother : The Story of a Man, His Mom, and the Thousands of Altogether Insane Letters She’s Mailed by Adam Chester.

For more rants, ravings and reverse engineering of narcissism, please visit www.lenorathompsonwriter.com and don’t forget to subscribe for daily updates by email. Thanks!
This article is for informational and educational purposes only. Under no circumstances should it be considered therapy nor replace therapy and treatment. If you are feeling suicidal, thinking about hurting yourself, or are concerned that someone you know may be in danger of hurting himself or herself, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255). It is available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and is staffed by certified crisis response professionals. The content of these blogs and all blogs written by Lenora Thompson are merely her opinion. If you are in need of help, please contact qualified mental health professionals.