349 thoughts on “11 Things NOT To Do With Narcissists

  • July 16, 2018 at 4:09 pm

    I do have compassion for the narcissist that once was in my life. I do however take issue with the fact she chooses not to address it especially since she is familiar with the world of recovery.

    I’ve been told (and I believe this to a great degree) people that don’t get well aren’t willing to do the work.

    Reply
  • July 22, 2018 at 7:02 am

    This article to a T describes my sister. It’s come to a boiling point where I have to cut her out of my life. Wish this didn’t have to happen but we can’t have a happy relationship anymore, if there even was one. Wish she would get some help because she is losing her family and friends

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    • July 22, 2018 at 7:01 pm

      I am so sorry you have to go through this. For my own sanity and peace of mind I decided years ago to go no contact with a sibling whose behaviour was as described in this blog. While there was no physical abuse, there was emotional and psychological abuse which was never addressed and probably will never be. It was one of the most painful decisions I’ve ever had to make and it’s taken a long time to feel like my old self again. Unfortunately it’s not as simple as just walking away. Other family members pressured me to “forgive and forget” and “get over it” and even told me that she had “changed” where I actually reconciled for a short period of time. From my part there were no boundaries, I felt guilty saying NO and other issues which I have explored in detail over the years. At the end of the day it is YOUR life and you get to choose how you want to live it and with whom. This experience has lead me to find new friends, new interests and not having to deal with the family dramas week in and week out. Good luck. It’s a journey certainly not for the feint hearted and it needs commitment and courage but it is certainly worth it.

      Reply
  • July 22, 2018 at 9:33 am

    I was married for 13 years to a narcissist. I was not aware of his toxic personality until after our divorce. I can relate to each and every point in your article. It is spot on. It takes extreme self conditioning to not fall into “JADE”. I have often wondered if narcissism is an inherited trait or nurtured by the surroundings that one has grown up in. That being said we have a child who exhibits well defined signs of narcissism at the age of 14. I have been searching for articles or information on how to raise a child with narcissism to no avail. As you can imagine there is a very delicate line between nurturing the child within and not feeding the narcissistic characteristics that are present. Is it possible to direct my child to become accountable in any way for the way he interacts and participates in our family that isn’t toxic. I fear that his siblings, who are not showing signs of narcissism and are quite empathetic, are already turning away from him as a form of their own self preservation. He is charming and charismatic and quite lovable but can turn on a dime to attack your most personal and vulnerable attributes with little, if any, personal connection or accountability. My fear is that if I can recognize this at his age now and acknowledge that his father is high on the spectrum for narcissism what will become of him in the future and his relationships. I recognize that for me to be apart from my ex-husband is the best option in my life. I have forgiven and learned immensely from my journey to this point. I am healthy and happy and am exactly where I want to be. I wish to continue learning to be able to help my child so that he can live a most productive life. Could you please direct me to any information that would help me communicate effectively with a child who is quite possibly narcissistic?

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  • September 3, 2018 at 4:03 pm

    This is such a great list – so true. Please people believe it!!! If you are in the proximity of a narcissist there is only one thing to do: Get away as quickly as possible. Forget trying to make sense of it, change them, live with it, etc. – YOU WILL NOT WIN. LEAVE. NOW. You deserve a good life and they want to take it from you.

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  • September 10, 2018 at 1:38 pm

    My husband has blamed me for every “scratch” on different vehicles for months now. It is ok for him to bring up the past but not me. It is ok for him to toss out my stuff but not ok for me to just clean a room and hang up the duster without being accuessed of throwing something of his out. His is happy to point out how my family are “liers” but I can’t say a word about his family. It is ok for him to state how much he spends on everything by I don’t spend enough on him or the house (never mind the fact that 1/2 of my income goes to the “house hold”). It is not ok for me to state that I appreciate him and what he does but I get not reconization for what I do around the house. Last week he litterly locked me out of now over half of the house and tossed out over half of my positions (I sold or gave away aprox. 3/4 of what I moved in with and he made no room for me). He told me (and others) one story about loosing his family necklace, then he told a totally different story latter on. I know most of his issues comes from his mom leaving when he was not yet a teen and the elder child. I know his dad had no clue how to be a single father. Today I blame them for how he turned out, not me. I am finally in a financial position to save for the rainy day. How long can I stay and save? I don’t know. I do know that I now have the power to just shut up and not answer him or his stupidity any more. I don’t care if it pisses him off either. I need to look forward, I need to remember to just shut up, that is where I will build my strength – one day at a time.

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  • October 2, 2018 at 12:29 am

    I found this to be a big eye opener. I’ve been reading about narcissisism every since I came here to find ideas/inspiration on art. I wasn’t looking for it, but i think this was a sign from God. I began to read “11 ways that you know you’re dating a narcissist”, and everything that was written applied to him. I journal a lot and I’ve walked away at least 3 times since. I’ve started reading up on it. I journal a lot! One night I began to read my journal entries and realized the pattern. So last night I wrote this: By the way I told him it was over and it seemed like music to his ears!
    In the beginning he was everything I needed. He came in and swept me off of my feet. He showered me with gifts and he had my daughter and son brainwashed so well! I initiated the break up on 9/2018. Any other time he would do anything to get me back but this time he told me that he was tired of the breaking up and reconciling so he would respect my wishes and stay away and he wouldn’t be a problem to me. Well I got all weak for him again only to be disappointed yet again. ‘ it hurt me. It hurt like HELL! BUT I allowed myself to get into this. A dead relationship with broken promises and daily heart aches.. Only to find out that the person who swept me of my feet would be the same person to break me down and cause me the worst pain any human could ever endure.I didn’t know a person could be that manipulative, cold-hearted and down right narcissistic. The abuse I’ve endured is worst than any pain ever felt before. I don’t wish any pain or suffering on him .. I do wish that one day when he looks in the mirror, that he will realize he hurt an innocent, vulnerable and broken woman , who thought he was an angel, and thought the world of him, for no apparent reason! I loved him deeply. It was not reciprocated. . I looked past his flaws, age difference and shortcomings and STLL LIVED HIM. He pretended to love me. He fed my insecurities, made me feel on top of the world, only to tear me apart. Gradually pointing out each one of my insecurities on the way “down”. Pointing out how imperfect I was in his eyes.Making me feel less than human. I tried to perfect myself because I didn’t realize what he was doing. Trying to make that light of perfection, (he may have saw) in me in the beginning return . So I could get back that perfect man I met in the beginning. HE WAS NEVER THERE! He became the victim of my fucked up circumstances.. As if I asked him too. I became the MONSTER that his distorted mind created. His puppet that wouldn’t dance to the tune of his beat. This disrespectful intolerable, despicable MONSTER. I do know that the monster his mind allows him to see in me isn’t a monster at all. He saw that monster in the mirror and couldn’t stand the sight. He sprinkled his poisonous dust upon me and turned my sm8le into a frown. I feel sorry for the next victim, but wish them well. This is the lesson I learned from this horrible ordeal and yes…(his name) , I had to tell. You’re no Angel that came with good intentions and accepting love in return. You were a wolf in sheep clothing, sent from none other than the one who likes to see the works from his dark angels, BURN!!

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  • November 21, 2018 at 9:51 am

    I work with a covert narcissist and it is pure hell. He doesn’t supervise me but might as well as controlling as he is. He plagiarizes my work, steals credit, lies, adds inaccuracies to my articles and constantly sets up “tests” for me that are ridiculous.
    I get more than 30 emails from him a day (I work remotely) and he did the same to a co-worker when I was on vacation. However, I am the main subject of his narcissistic control. He needs to know what I am doing all the time.
    Management seems to be unable to see through his act despite the fact that he has been called on the carpet for publicly insulting me for no reason. (I had been working extra hours all week and said I would leave early on a Friday, a practice that is fine at our open leave business–nor was I needed for those extra two hours. He then called me unprofessional and a clock watcher in front of co-workers). He undermines my work and I have to spend extra time each day to go through my work after he has edited it to make sure he hasn’t added inaccuracies. That has happened numerous times.
    From the beginning of this work relationship he has lied frequently, even lied that he was my supervisor when he was not as my supervisor was his boss, and has never apologized ever for any mistake or incident.
    I don’t expect to get any praise or respect from him. I would just like to work in an atmosphere not fraught with worry over what shoe will drop next, including being fired for something he might invent. I dread working, on Friday I am already dreading working again on Monday.
    I am very competent at my job and even taught him most of what he knows about our business which he obviously continues to resent.
    When I have hinted to my supervisor about what I am going through it is dismissed as this narcissist just being a drama queen.
    He has yelled at me, covertly threatened me (“at our age it would be difficult to find another job”), but the worst are these humiliating tests in which one example was he repeated a sentence in an article to see if I would catch it. That was a week after he called me on the carpet for not editing one of his articles within an hour although he knew I was working on my own article which would take approximately an hour. So, I feel constantly pressured to interrupt whatever I am doing to respond to his emails or stop my work to edit his immediately as quickly as possible. This is not a metropolitan newsroom and there is no actual time pressure to get this work done. I usually write 10 or more articles per day and edit about the same number.
    When he is on vacation I am responsible for his workload so he knows I am capable and he resents it bitterly.
    I work so hard to be absolutely perfect that it is just killing me because if I am not he has no compunction against using any mistakes against me.
    This has gone on for four years and I would like my job if he wasn’t there. I just want to do my work without having to watch my back constantly.
    I realize that most of the comments are about a family situation but I work 40 hours a week with this man and it definitely feels like a bad marriage.

    Reply
    • November 21, 2018 at 11:57 am

      Hi Anna,
      Thank you for sharing your experience with the community. It sounds hellish. Destructive narcissists can poison a work environment just as they can poison a family or community. One always has to ask, “At what cost,” when working with such a narcissistic person.
      Dan

      Reply
  • December 15, 2018 at 10:22 pm

    OK, it’s my turn to comment. Married 26 years to a NPD. After completely losing myself and enduring hate and bitterness towards him, I was finally able to forgive. My life improved dramatically – until his ABSOLUTE NARCISSISTIC daughter decided to act out. She has been “entitled” to everything her entire life of 45 years. She mooched off her mother until she died. She’s been mooching off us for over 10 years. Seldom has she supported herself in her entire life although she has a good paying job. My husband’s Last Will and Testament left her $50,000. He’s still alive. So I finally finished my Will, and when he read it to her over the phone (thankfull), she went ballistic. Screaming, threatening me – etc. I heard him tell her to calm down and he was quite stern with her for probably the first time in her life. She told him that she was so mad she could spit in my face for not leaving the rest (of our millions – LOL) to her. Since most of her junk is stored in our house, she even accused me of stealing some of her stuff (it truly is junk). Even that I stole TOILET PAPER out of her car that is stored here. When my husband told me of that, I laughed so hard! At this point, because of her ranting and ugliness, I think he is coming to see her for the very sick person she is. I’m thankful to God for how this is turning out so far. But I won’t be changing my will! LOL

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  • December 20, 2018 at 6:36 pm

    I had a friend who is a narcissist and the relationship becoame so toxic I would get anxiety around her. She used, abused , attention seeker at all costs and every single thing you describe. I felt my self getting where I was afraid I was goi for explode and go off on her. She acted so entitled with our things and did t think twice to just pop in and ask for it and never returning. I did explode on her as I found not take any more. I ha e never spoken with her since, and the crazy things I tell others is I felt so much better! I never looked back and felt she had become so toxic to me. I get
    Horrible about myself all the time around her. I get inadequate and on an on. I never realized during f the friendship that she was the definition of narcissistic. Her behavior always got excused by others as oh that’s just her. Thanks for such a wonderful article.

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  • February 28, 2019 at 6:43 pm

    I have been doing a lot of reading about personality disorders lately, also. I worked with a judge who displayed many Psychopathic features, and his “friend” is my counterpart at work – he is strongly Narcissistic. From what I have read the co-worker is a “Flying Monkey” for this judge =he has his nose in everybody’s business and brings gossip back to his master. What a cockey little SOB this co-worker was. Always self-promoting in front of the judge by putting me down. What a lazy, abusive, entitled, malingering brown-nosing little button pusher!

    Lucky for me, the judge was canned, but unfortunately his sidekick remained. He is still an AH but a little more toned down. I am hearing rumors that he too is leaving but I will believe it when I see it, because it means so much to him to be able to wear a gun and yell at people. It’s no wonder that he failed the shrink’s test and couldn’t become a cop.

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  • March 16, 2019 at 2:33 pm

    12 Don’t elect them President of your country… DOH!

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  • April 6, 2019 at 5:48 pm

    Anyone with tips on how to “escape” a narcissist when they’ve taken EVERYTHING from you….working land lines or cell phones, internet & all forms of social media and other communication (ie cars, friends, family, money, food, hope, happiness, personality, confidence in myself, and sooo much more!). He has completely isolated me & only wants to beat me up or put me down….and I’m FAAAAAAARRR from stupid! I’ve tried all I know to do but he’s even got my phones tapped & knows EVERYTHING I say & do within seconds….. and my friends & fam are useless at this point b/c he’s even brainwashed them into thinking I’m either crazy or on drugs (which I’m NOT!)….how does someone cope with life like this? I just want out & no one hears me!!!!!

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  • April 9, 2019 at 9:39 am

    i am in overwhelm with this behavior from our son’s baby mama. now his has become her! i’m so worried about our baby granddaughter. my husband has no empathy because of his upbringing. his parents didn’t talk to him, listen to him, connect with him at all .. especially his mother. she would tho, go off to work every day of his growing up years, to be with her classroom of 5th graders. he says he looks at everything as only a sequence of events without emotion. i am very emotional about this and badly need his support. since i continue to bring up the horrible things that are said and done targeting me, i am the problem. our son and baby mama have taken our grandbaby away from me to punish me. i can’t bear the pain. it has been helpful to find this research. actually it found me. an article showed up on my fb newsfeed and i was shocked, it is my life. it put words to my experience that i couldn’t explain. i could only give examples and called it the twilight zone. the description, ‘eroding my sense of reality’ describes it exactly. not only does my son and his partner target me, my husband can’t handle my upset and i’m the problem.

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  • April 25, 2019 at 12:25 am

    Thank you for this clarity. I had no idea people suffered from this dis-ease until I married a narcissist 10 years ago.
    It’s been horrendously difficult but now I’m free. Thank you again and may others always the same pitfall.

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  • June 3, 2019 at 4:16 pm

    Hi I was married to a narcissistic/sociopath for 51 years😪 I was so naive and growing up I never had a male role model. My father was very absent and I spent 6 years in an orphanage. When I met the ex he was the first male to take notice of me and show me “affection”. In retrospect I fell in love with the attention and not the person.
    I have 4 children grown up and with their own children. We were all emotionally and financially abused by him.
    He never interacted with his children and certainly not with the grandchildren.
    What scares me not is that he has chosen to try to make contact with one of my grandchildren who is 11 years old.
    This man is toxic and I know his intentions are bad.
    I would be so grateful if you would advise me as to the reason he is doing this..
    Thanks so much
    Barbara Geer

    Reply
    • June 3, 2019 at 4:33 pm

      Hi Barbara,
      I have no way of knowing why your ex wants to make contact with an 11 year old grandchild, but given his repeated track record, it would stand to reason, as you wrote, that his intention are bad and therefore unlikely to be constructive for your grandchild.
      Dan

      Reply
  • June 11, 2019 at 2:47 pm

    This is such a great article, which I found while using google to understand my father’s abusive behaviour towards me. I regret I didn’t learn all this earlier. At 52, I understand now that he has NPD which does not excuse him of what he did and still does to me. As a small child I witnessed him beating my mom and also me. I spent all my young years in constant fear of punishments and physical and verbal abuse. Fast forward, a week after my wedding day, he showed up in our apartment early at 6:00 am to tell me crying that my mom took my 2 younger sisters and left him. Then, I had to be on his side of their divorce as i had no choice and I was thought by him that he is always right. In the same time my mom turned my 2 sisters against me as a punishment that I was on his side. My father got married for the second time and had a daughter, 3 years younger than mine. Fast forward, we moved from Europe to North America 15 years ago and 2 years after we moved, he stopped talking to me (silent treatment) and my family. Last year I received an email from him for the first time in 12 years asking me to do a DNA test. Also, to ask my 2 sisters from his first marriage to do the test. I did not reply to this inquiry and week later received another email saying that there are dire consequences of me not replying. He stated that since I’m not replying that confirms to him that I am not his daughter and I know this. He was having suspicions before my birth. But he accused me of knowing this “truth” per him I learned this from my mother after their divorce ( forgetting that he kept me on his side and I had to listen every day about the unjust that happened to him). According to him I was using him knowing that he is not my father (total absurd). Also, he was writing such a disgusting things about what he is thinking about me, our daughter. He wrote that I can have my 40 years from him as undeserved gift from him, but…. He threatened that if I don’t transfer him a certain amount of money by certain date, he would tell all my friends back home and in the social media’s about “my dirty secret” …I am so sad that I spent all my life thinking that I am not good, cannot succeed without him and all that I have is because of him…. I just learned at this ripe age after reading your article that I was living my life in lies. I now understand that I should never contact him and forget about any kind of closure with him. Thank you so much for this great article that opened my eyes for the reality.

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    • June 11, 2019 at 3:33 pm

      Diana,
      The about-faces and manipulative behavior you described are characteristic of many narcissists. Sharing your experiences is a contribution which I am sure touches many readers. While your experiences must are painful, your new awareness and commitment to your own well-being is inspiring. Best wishes in your continued growth and healing,
      Dan

      Reply
  • July 28, 2019 at 7:26 pm

    Every point here fits my experience.
    I lived in a hostel accommodation next to a Delusional Narcissists for a few year, he was evicted for threatening to kill me, it was one of his trigger displays with male criticism or threat. Another neighbour had videoed it so he couldnt deny it. He was great at telling stories. He had story theme about how wonderful he was but never admitted he had a mental illness, I expect he is schizophrenic, with delusional narcissism and a bully. He like to make a big thing about being friends. He had three quite different personality themes. He was a Christian, this was his safe make friends personality, He was a gang member/ irve been in prison, this was his bully side.His third one was his wonderful side where he was great with kids, and as a husband/ boyfriend, he white knighted this protecting women. He saw women as authority figures..?
    I’m slowing getting over the PSTD he gave me, my only regret is not punching him in the face when he threaten me with video evidence, under New Zealand law its self defense.

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  • August 18, 2019 at 6:46 pm

    I was married to a covert narcissist, who occasionally became very blatant, for 10 years. I made the mistake of fighting with him to have an authentic relationship. It was hell the entire time. I gave everything I had trying to make it work. BIG mistake. He was an Episcopal priest addicted to porn. People in church thought he was wonderful because he is a Brit. Funny, handsome, educated. None of them had any idea what he really was. And I lived through two churches having to bite my tongue to preserve his career while at home he bashed me, mocked me, ignored me for months, gaslighted me, manipulated me, lied to me, picked at me about every penny I spent on food to feed his three children and my own son, and still expected me to worship him and feed his ego as a righteous representative of God. He would use the pulpit as his personal confessional with so many sermons about lust, greed and envy, and no one seemed to pick up on it. He pretended in public and said terrible things about parishioners to me. I finally stopped going to church at the last place he was at while we were still married because his purposeful extinction of me was so humiliating. That’s what he did- he humiliated me, because I knew who and what he was and he couldn’t stand it. After two years of therapy with a good therapist, I realised I didn’t have to stay in such an abusive relationship and left. Since then, my life has not been wonderful. Finances have been tight and the joy of being free of him has worn off. He burned something vital within me to ash so that I can’t see myself ever being vulnerable to another person in a relationship again. As though everything I had to give and all the energy I had to put into a relationship is gone, and my reactor is dead. I would advise any person who wants to have a life post-narcissist to leave while they still have a functional core. Don’t wait until your center is incinerated.

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  • August 25, 2019 at 2:09 pm

    While this is good starting ground there are things that don’t match. 1- it is personal, very personal. After 30 years of my husband doing and saying bizarre very dispicable things, I discovered it wasn’t me or the kids. Things range from a glance, eye roll, sighing, tone, inflection, to rages, which I had been calling storms. It is extremely person to be told, you deserve for the cancer to come back. It is extremely personal when he spits in my face, yells I wish you were dead. It is extremely personal to have him point his fingers like a gun at me and say, there isn’t a man who hasn’t wanted to shoot his wife in the head. I spent so many years trying to be what his newest idea was not because it was right but because he lead me to believe that was right and he manipulated my walk with God for his personal gain. I have learned silence and walking away are not the right reaction. I am learning the hard way to stand up for myself and the kids as he tries to pit one against another ever so slyly shaming, bullying, and so on. I have come to realize he has no desire to change unless it’s me. All those thoughts and feeling something was wrong as I felt alone in this marriage are true. I am not loosing my mind or incompetent needing him and praising him to no end. I am grateful for the kids but now know I was deadly wrong in continuing all their lives to tell them to move past his storms and let’s do something as a family. Just several months ago I found out as I sat in my managers office sobing asking if he’d called her last night with claims I had been abusing clients etc. Though he had not she immediately knew my next words were true… he’s not who people think he is. I work with people with behavioral issues and she knew through experience and I was learning there was an extremely fine line between him and clients we worked with. While it is not a solution, knowing there is an actual term for him and I’m not alone sadly like myself a childhood friend just shared she too has been hiding this private hell. Above all one things angers him more than anything else. His deceit, lies, grand opinion, etc can not take my salvation in Christ away from me no matter how many times he screams I am not a Christian I am Satan.

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  • October 3, 2019 at 8:43 am

    Extremely excellent article – I’ve read plenty over the last 13 yrs – now married to narc and daughter of one. Wonderful advice for those of us who choose to stay for whatever reasons. Stay centered when the narc is losing control. Don’t engage. Just walk away. When they have their 2 yr old temper tantrums, remember when they return they will not have any memory of what transpired – won’t mention it – and dismiss it never offering resolution. They don’t want it. Protect yourself – and NEVER let a narc define who you are. If you can get away – GO. They destroy people. A narc is not a person for the weak minded or thin skinned. You will fade into the wallpaper until they “need” you for something, turning on the charm. It’s all BS. You take care of YOU. Because they can’t even take care of themselves – let alone care about someone else. Stop sacrificing. They do not care.

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    • October 3, 2019 at 4:07 pm

      Excellent point about their memory loss when they are engaged in their tantrums.
      I wonder this with my ex neighbour, he often had a totally blank look in his eyes after episodes.
      He would switch into his Christian mode for recovery or to make new friends, he was incredibly manipulative.

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  • October 5, 2019 at 7:43 am

    Insightful article, I am just missing one important thing – causes of growing narcissism. And I don’t mean social networks or gadgets, because these are merely tools, not ideological bases and roots of the problem. I wonder if psychologists are able to make links to our socio-economic reality that creates and feeds narcissism. Value system in the world where everything and everyone is for sale. A product. Including feelings and emotions which also are facade for sale, mostly. Today’s already global, intensified capitalism reached critical stage, leading us to deep social and intellectual decay, promoting social darwinism, individualistic ego-feeding hunt for success, profit, personal advantage and instant gratification through manipulation, deception and cold blooded attitude to everything that surround us, and therefore eroding everything human in us – real values as empathy, equality, compassion… This diagnosis, its inertia can not be cured without change of principles system. Therefore I don’t see this as psychological diagnosis but rather social reality of modern world. New normality. New standard.

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  • October 24, 2019 at 10:33 pm

    10 years of Hell is going to be the title of my future book.
    Harsh as it sounds, the title is less hellish sounding than the experience itself and exactly what i went through and now recovering from after over a decade of this abuse .
    Even now i still cannot believe it myself , its been a year and 4 months total of NC, and now about 6 months in a different town . let me just state : barely long ENOUGH compared to 10 years but everyday its better and better each day .
    Although my experience has been thoroughly challenging i am just going to go over my tremedous achievement on healing and how breaking free and going no contact has changed me into a completly different human being all together ! Even in the short period of a year . And how i have celebrated my achievments and remembering how far i have gotten its been a journey to say the least with both good and bad days.
    After finding out that i was INFACT a victim of This evil persons game i went mad into researching their behaviors and patterns displayed and it was a very eye opening experience as i have been doing this studying gaining knowledge on this type of personality disorder for about the same time i broke free . And not just reading post or pages and going to websites but also turning to the word of God ! , which does mention Narcissists or people who love evil more than good . Its in Psalm ! Yes I BELIEVE IN GOD , Yes i believe that there is a reason for the experience i went through horrendous and unormal as it sounds- i believe that i was prepared for it that God gave me the strength for to withcome this storm . This is a testimony than anything . I believe that God can heal me . I believe that He does love me . i thank God eveyday because although it seems that i lost a great deal, i really have a greater amount !
    The truth ; and that is POWERFUL. Now everyday is like a breath of fresh air away from the filthy air extremely harmful to breathe. or that ocean that i was drowning in because He called me out on the waters to walk! trusting every step of the way and Remembering His promise and he never changes He is the same Today, yesterday and Tomorrow ! There is Hope and There is someone who loves you with the purest Love please accept the invitation , He is Able to set you free and restore 2 fold what was taken from you and people will see you because you shine so bright! your glow, your healing , dont be ashamed , because today you can choose to truly be SET FREE ‘from sin from death and live in Christ at the right hand of God becoming a daughter or son of the Most High ! I love you as you are and so Does God . Celebrating my growth an healing every single day and praticing self love and gaining community support and finding myself more and self worth too is what i do now.

    Thank you for reading IM SO GRATEFUL YOU DID!

    God bless you reader

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    • November 16, 2019 at 11:53 am

      More power to you! God will protect you.

      Reply
  • November 16, 2019 at 11:45 am

    Thank you for writing this article. It has been very informative and has given me insight into my mother’s abusive behavior. I had no idea this condition existed before recently, but it explains some people’s behavior. Information is power!

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  • December 29, 2019 at 5:04 pm

    Absolutely spot on! It’s all a game and they must win at all costs. They will throw you under the bus to get their supply. It hurts a lot more when it is a parent, like in my case. Especially an elderly parent who is intolerable and as she ages it gets worse and worse. You are always wrong, they are always right. They talk to hear themselves. They are not interested in your input, your feelings or the fact that one moment they are wretched and the next moment they are kind. The kindness is only for a goal. To get you on their side, to get you against others or simply just to play the game. You have to go gray rock, if you still need to deal with the narcissist in your life. It’s the only way. Going no contact would be preferable as far as I’m concerned but it’s nearly impossible. Just keep love in your heart for yourself and take care of you. The onslaught can be debilitating.

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  • May 6, 2020 at 5:38 pm

    This article, and others like it, are literally saving me right now as I write, from making terrible mistakes. I am in the middle of breaking up with a Malignant Narcissist who I have been deeply involved with for the past 7 years. The arch of the relationship is, pretty much, a textbook case of Narcissistic Abuse. I started reading on this topic in August 2019 ( currently May 2020) when the first true discard took place when he kicked me out of his apartment expecting me to have all of my things out within a couple of days, regardless of the fact that the first conversation about what was happening happened only the Friday before. I was hoovered back in within one week (I do not think we spent one weekend apart) mainly because at that time he did not have anyone else to replace me for sex and attention. This time it is different because he has had someone loosely on the side for probably 6 months (not telling me of course claiming I said “don’t ask don’t tell”). Recently, when the toxicity of the relationship had become too much to bear, I finally had the courage to push him away for a break, because I knew that I could risk the breakup because I was finally working again. However unbeknownst to me, during the “break” he brought that other person right in to keep him company. I asked him to please spend the time thinking about us and what we would need in- order for us to be together successfully so when we came back together we could have a meaningful conversation about it, he said yes he would. The kicker is he was going to, I guess, try to slowly work me back into the rotation not realizing that I would NOT BE OK with that. Saying “I never intended for you to leave me. Frankly, it never occurred to me”. So, when I figured out what was going on and told him to never contact me again…well here we are in the second dance. I am heartbroken by the lies. But now that I look back on it, I see that he has been lying to me the entire 7 years. I am devastated, I really trusted him on this one thing, to not cheat on me. mostly because we spent every night together. with no effort on his part to make any of that happen. Regardless of where I lived it was my responsibility to get to his house and stay there. Eventually I negotiated one then two nights a week to go home to sleep and take care of myself. Especially after the marathon weekends of sex where we didn’t sleep for 2 days then him demanding I get back over there. Dinner every night expected and I was always the one who traveled to his place. Then I moved closer to him so that we could split the nights up I still was ALWAYS the one who traveled and had to go home to sleep at my apartment because I got up at 5:30am to go to work. I did the grocery shopping, he did the cooking, which was nice, but it was mainly an ego trip for him because he is an excellent chef and wanted to be continually told that he was. all the rest of it, the gaslighting, the projection, obviously, the lying, the love-bombing in the beginning is all textbook. My feeling like I had lost my heart, my voice, my confidence. I was a shadow of the person that he met 7 years ago. Even my friends, that I still talk to because, of course, I alienated all of them as I got sucked into this nightmare, told me how I had changed during that time. That they didn’t recognize me. I moved from SF, spent my 401k and small inheritance, all trying to be near him 24/7 in Menlo Park. When I finally HAD to go back to work full time because I had filed for bankruptcy from not working for two years, I found a job that actually paid me enough to live that I actually loved. All he could see was that it taking my time and attention away from him. Then after he kicked me out of this apartment in August, I finally realized that I had to get re-focused on putting my life back together because I had a gut feeling that he would not be there. So I enrolled in a Yoga Teacher Training that would last for 6 months, something that was a goal that I had started on in 2012 but was derailed by my parents death in 2012/2013. Yes it would definitely take my time away, and all he could do is see was something that was a diversion for me and getting in the way of my focusing on him. I truly believed that if he loved me the way he said, then surely, he would be happy for me finally achieving a dream of mine. but he just could not find it in his heart to be patient enough to wait until it was over. Plus I think just having something important to me that was not about him was just unbearable for him. He gave me grief about it the entire time, but I would not quit. I would not give up my life to him again. So, he brought someone else in. Maybe he thought when it was over that I would go back to the way things were with me devoting every minute of the day that I wasn’t working on satisfying him, doing things sexually that I would never have done, all the while him being a bottomless pit of need, need and need for sexual gratification and never ever giving him enough. Ant the gaslighting and the projection just continued the entire time. When I told him that I would not go back to living that way, he lost it and started saying that I had abandoned him during the pandemic. When I did come back over once, then twice and we had sex and I was considering SLOWLY trying to come back together, it came out that he had someone else coming over on Friday and Saturday nights and had “set aside” Sundays for me… I put it all together and then I lost it. It is been 2 weeks now since all that happened. I go back and forth with the “no contact” blocking his number. but I find I have so much I need to say to him, and I still have many things in his apartment. Many things, we were almost living together at one point until he forced me to move it all out. Anyway, I am hanging on one day, one hour at a time while he just goes on merrily with his life, still manipulating me by saying things like that about not intending for me to break up with him. unfortunately, I am so sucked into the manipulation that it feels better to think, if even for a few hours, that maybe we could patch it up again. but as time goes by the insanity and cruelty that he has treated with me come back to the forefront of my mind and I am back where I started knowing that I must leave him forever. I am not eating, and I barely sleep (4 hours max per night). Reading these posts and listening to audio books about Narcissistic abuse are the only things keeping me sane right now. So, thank you for your posts.

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  • May 30, 2020 at 5:30 am

    I don’t understand these concepts very well. Yes, people have different personality traits but labeling them good and bad for eternity seems cruel to me. None of us act in vacuum. We get motivated to do certain behaviors because we are in a certain environment. Maybe creating a vacuum around the victim as well as the culprit will tell more about the attitude (narcissist… or non-narcissist..). And no person remain the same for ever. People change but what does not change easily is the “image” we as other people create for these victims or culprits. Western societies are individualistic societies where everyone feels strongly for their own choices. Which is okay. In Indian societies, it is typical of a family member to give in to other members wishes all the time. And it is not that difficult thing to do especially when everyone sacrifices or cares for the other in some ways. I dont like labeling or creating a life long image for the person. Mostly because I have changed over the years, I have seen people change over the years. Again, no one and no person acts in a vacuum. Unless, you can create both a physical and mental vacuum for the person, try not to suggest that he/ she is a narcissist . He/ She / We all are super jealous creatures by design. I remain totally nonchalant when I am alone.
    I get jealous of no one at all, maybe sometimes, as a healthy dose for self-improvement. But when I am in a relationship with another human, find me another jealous person on earth – I would say. 🙂 I guess we need to share more responsibilities and burdens with our partners (whoever they are) at the right time. Societies need to teach that idea of sharing burdens among families, friends, schools, teachers, religious organizations and welfare based governments. It would be great if priests can jump in too taking time off their busy lives. But it is a collective responsibility – to share the burden.

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    • May 30, 2020 at 11:18 am

      Dear Bald Seagull,
      You make good, thoughtful points that both culture and context should be considered. Some behaviors considered narcissistic in one culture may have different meanings in another culture. In addition, many behaviors may change given the circumstances and people around us. At the same time, personality disorders by definition are considered pervasive and lifelong. It may be helpful to focus on whether behaviors are healthy or not to one’s self or others considering culture and context.
      Thank you for your comment.
      Dan

      Reply
  • June 17, 2020 at 2:05 pm

    One very important “thing” I rarely see mentioned, is what to do when it becomes crystal clear that you are with a narcissist or worse.
    I noticed several behaviors in the man I was totally in love with, that did not make sense, and began doing a lot of research. I began a journal, which I believe helped me to pinpoint the problem. Going back and reading my notes, and realizing that this man was clearly a “textbook” sociopath, was horrifying. I had no idea of what to do, but I knew if I stayed with him, I would be allowing him to destroy my sanity. He had already caused plenty of chaos and strife at that point.
    I, being one who insists on having clear answers, reacted to my findings exactly the wrong way. I TOLD HIM I KNEW. I am Atheist, but I know evil does exist. I watched it emerge as the mask fell off. I’ve spent thousands on intensive therapy, shamans, and retreats, and still cannot shake thoughts from haunting me. It’s been 3 years since the divorce.
    Anyone who is aware they are living with someone who cannot be what I consider a “real human”, must know what they are killing in themselves by staying. These people cannot claim to be victims, because they choose to stay. LIFE IS OFTEN NOT FAIR AT ALL, but that does not mean you do not have to make sacrifices now and then. I am an Empath – never will I find compassion for evil or for their minnions. I would not be alive today had I thought for one second that there was anything good for me by staying with someone evil. Humans need to know evil does not play – they destroy.

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  • July 12, 2020 at 4:46 pm

    Thank you for explaining this so well. I will be rereading this article as a reminder to make sure and care for myself and never give up putting the boundary in place. I appreciate your viewpoint that it is ok to feel sorry for them. Because their consequences truly make them more miserable, but not to let them think we are there to pity them or use that pity to manipulate. I keep my pity silent for them and pray for them to someday want a better life for themselves.

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  • August 5, 2020 at 6:08 pm

    Hurt people….simply…..hurt other people. If someone is characteristically a narcissist they were hurt by someone close to them in their life and adopted grandiose coping behaviours to avoid feelings of shame to survive. No behaviour is beyond repair or forgiveness once you know the truth of your own experience. With love, from a sexually abused child of an alcoholic and former Narcissist.

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