Believing others are their enemies, narcissists are suspicious and live endlessly on defense. To cope, they manipulate, test others, posture, preen and construct elaborate facades for self-protection and self-aggrandizement.
Needing to appear better than anyone else, narcissists seek praise and admiration from others. When it is not forthcoming, narcissists simply praise themselves.
Desperate to win, they view themselves as superior and hold others as less-than. At the same time, they hide, attack or distract from anything or anyone that would put them in a bad light.
As blogger Karla Grimes wrote, “A narcissist paints a picture of themselves as being the victim or innocent in all aspects. They will be offended by the truth. But what is done in the dark will come to light. Time has a way of showing people’s true colors.”
It can take some work, but to effectively cope with narcissists, it is important to see through their deceptions and pretenses.
Here is a table listing some of the key views narcissists hold of themselves versus others on several traits, followed by some truths about narcissists:
How narcissists view themselves
How narcissists view others
In truth, narcissists tend to be
|In the know||Clueless||Confused|
|Adored||Undeserving||Desperate for attention|
Author and advocate Tina Swithin wrote, “I am convinced there is a Narc-ish dictionary or manual hidden deep in a dark, musty hole somewhere in a faraway land with step-by-step instructions on how to inflict fear, confusion and despair. . . . Their secret language can only be decoded by those who aren’t fooled by the narcissist’s stealth ability to inflict confusion and chaos with it.”
To decode narcissistic behavior, think of a narcissist you know. Observe or remember a situation involving that narcissistic person. Then refer to this chart. Ask yourself:
- Do the narcissist’s words and actions seem designed to portray one or more of the positive qualities in the left-hand column?
- Do the narcissist’s attitudes about or treatment of others seem to mirror one or more of the negative views in the middle column?
- As you step back and reflect on the situation or interaction, looking beyond the narcissist’s posturing, does the underlying truth match one or more of the qualities in the right-hand column?
If you are unsure about the third question, simply scan down the entire left-hand column, then scan the entire right-hand column. Ask yourself: Which column of descriptors better describes who the narcissist really is?
As Gloria Steinem said, “The truth will set you free — but first it will piss you off.”