4 thoughts on “Refusing Medication: “I Thought I Deserved This Abyss”

  • February 9, 2012 at 4:04 pm

    Hey, I’m the person who you’ve written about above. *points to article*
    I’ll try to answer what I can.

    My response to my suicidal ideation?
    I was forewarned by the prescribing doctor that these feelings might occur and would in fact, go away.
    I have had feelings like that before. They were very familiar to me and so I was able to recognise their onset and brace myself for it. During those maybe two and a half weeks, I hated being alone. I hated having any type of time where my mind would be allowed to drift into despair. I kept myself busy, even though I didn’t feel like it… even if it just meant lying in bed (the paradox of the anhedonia) and listening to music to sleep. And I slept. ALOT.
    I was scared, as I’d think anyone would be, having those kind of thoughts… but I’d somehow managed to summon every bit of hope I’d ever had.. “Kid, if you manage to get through this… it’ll start getting better. Look at worse, and you’ll never let yourself go back there again.”

    About me ‘deserving the misery’…
    I spent a relatively large proportion of my life thinking that my current circumstances were my personality. I was comfortable with it. I wasn’t happy, but I was comfortable. I knew what to expect. Among depressives, there is a major feeling of self-loathing. This taunt, though mere words, has the power to control someone. You think you’re less than a person. You apologise to everyone for no reason at all. You think nothing you do is right.

    There was no particular ‘big’ event that catalysed my decision to take medication. In a big way, I was never totally sure whether or not I was doing the right thing. I was just tired of the recurrent moods; tired of the lack of focus. Depression is such that it never quite surprises you all at once. It slowly inches its way into your life without you noticing, manifesting itself little by little.. until you think, “Oh wow. Here it is.”
    Kind of like a haircut… You don’t notice your hair’s growing day after day until one day you realise, “Hey, I need to get a haircut.”

    • February 9, 2012 at 6:58 pm

      Thank you so much for the really thoughtful elaboration. As difficult as it was, it does seem to have helped that your doctor warned you suicidal ideation could be a side effect. In my experience, people do better when they are forewarned – as your post shows, by the time someone seeks help, they’ve already been through a lot, and this is, in some ways, just one more supremely challenging challenge.

  • March 18, 2012 at 6:54 am

    I really relate to what This reader wrote about deserving the abyss and feeling it was down to personality. I feel the same. I’ve been on and off meds for over 4 years now. I take them because my life is miserable and I cannot function properly, and then I stop because they don’t work and I feel that I deserve to feel this way for all the horrible things I’ve done. It doesn’t help that my depression developed psychotic features and the voices just confirm that I’m a bad person who deserves to feel like this.

    I have also experienced suicidal ideation on meds, though it was a lot worse than just thinking about suicide. I’ve had SI before meds so I wasn’t concerned about that. My problem was that several meds made me crawling the walls, desperately agitated, ACTIVELY suicidal. No dr had warned me about SI, but I’d read about it. Nothing I had read before or since describes that horrific feeling of having to, needing to, kill yourself RIGHT NOW. Those episodes are the closest I’ve come to committing suicide, and I think that if I was more impulsive or less able to weather the storm I’d be dead now. No-one warns you of that though. Doctors/therapists don’t even care when I tell them after it’s passed. I don’t think they appreciate how dangerous it can get, having never experienced it themselves.

    • March 18, 2012 at 11:01 am

      WW, I’m really sorry you’ve ahd to go through such agonizing suicidal ideation because of medication. It sounds like you were experiencing akathesia – severe agitation, what some people have described as feeling like you want to crawl out of your skin. And that’s terrible that your doctors and therapists did not take you seriously. I don’t know what your relationship is with them otherwise, but perhaps you might want to think about finding some other professionals who are more sympathetic and, especially, some whom you could call in an emergency if that were to happen again.


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