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4 Steps to Better Relationships

better relationships

As soon as we open up our eyes in the morning, stories are running in our minds that influence the way we see people. We have preconceptions about who our wife, husband, kid, roommate or partners are. When we walk out the door we already have ideas about who the neighbors, baristas, grocery store clerk, colleagues, and even strangers who are walking up the street are.

So the question is: Do we actually even see the person behind our conceptions of who they are?

Most of the time the answer is a resounding no.

Mother Teresa who said:

“The biggest disease today is not leprosy or tuberculosis but rather the feeling of not belonging.”

We live on auto-pilot in our every day relationships and our ability to automatically interpret the world can lead to disconnection, which leads to dis-ease in life.

It’s that simple.

Here is a practice to try out today with anyone you come in contact with:

  1. Put you lenses of judgment aside – Whether you believe it or not, you instantly judge someone as soon as you see them. It may be the color of their skin, their ethnicity, a memory you have of this person or maybe the expression on their face.  See if you can set that aside for a moment and adopt fresh eyes.
  2. See the person – This is someone who has a history of adventures, sense of failure, loves, fears, regrets, triumphs, traumas, family, and friends.
  3. Ask yourself, what does this person most deeply want? The answer is likely within you and it has something to do with being treated kindly and feeling a sense of belonging.
  4. Provide a gesture that feeds this need. Smile at the person, ask them if you can help, listen to what they have to say, if its family or friends tell them you love them, etc… There are so many ways to do this.

We can always ask ourselves if what we are doing is in service of connection or disconnection.  It’s a simple question that can sometimes lead to important answers and actions.

The fact is, when we or others around us feel understood and cared about a sense of acceptance and belonging arises. This breaks down a barriers and simply makes relationships better. Like anything, this takes practice.

A moment of connection may have rippling effects across many people, like a pebble thrown into the water creates ripples of waves.

Give it a try!

As always, please share your thoughts, stories and questions below. Your interaction provides a living wisdom for us all to benefit from.

4 Steps to Better Relationships

Elisha Goldstein, Ph.D.

Elisha Goldstein, Ph.D. is creator of the six month online program A Course in Mindful Living, author of the book Uncovering Happiness: Overcoming Depression with Mindfulness and Self-Compassion, The Now Effect, co-author of A Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction Workbook, Foreword by Jon Kabat-Zinn, author of Mindfulness Meditations for the Anxious Traveler: Quick Exercises to Calm Your Mind, the premier eCourse Basics of Mindfulness Meditation: A 28 Day Program, the Mindful Solutions audio series, and the Mindfulness at Work™ program currently being adopted in multiple multinational corporations. Join The Now Effect Community for free Daily Now Moments and a Weekly Newsletter. Dr. Goldstein is a clinical psychologist in private practice in West Los Angeles.


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APA Reference
Goldstein, E. (2010). 4 Steps to Better Relationships. Psych Central. Retrieved on December 19, 2018, from https://blogs.psychcentral.com/mindfulness/2010/11/4-steps-to-better-relationships/

 

Last updated: 1 Nov 2010
Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 1 Nov 2010
Published on PsychCentral.com. All rights reserved.