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Dealing with Difficult People: Sharon Salzberg

It’s no secret that human beings are social animals and with that comes a host of potential difficulties. We can be rude, obstinate, aggressive, impatient and sometimes just plain difficult to deal with. Sometimes when others are that way with us we take it personally and at the very least it can ruin our day.  At the most, it can stick with us for years to come.

Sharon Salzberg wrote The Kindness Handbook: A Practical Companion and in it she recites a story from the Buddha that I found a great lesson to help when people are being difficult with us.

One day a Brahman was visiting the Buddha near a Bamboo Grove. The Brahman, angered and displeased, went to the Buddha and on arrival insulted and cursed him with rude, harsh words.

When this was said, the Buddha One said to him: “What do you think, Brahman: Do friends and colleagues, relatives and kinsmen come to you as guests?”

“Yes, Master Gotama, Sometimes friends and colleagues, relatives and kinsmen come to me as guests.”

And what do you think: do you serve them with staple and non-staple foods and delicacies?”

Yes, sometimes I serve them with staple and non-staple foods and delicacies.

And if they don’t accept them, to whom do those foods belong?

If they don’t accept them, Master Gotama, those foods are all mine.

In the same way, Brahman, that with which you have insulted me, who is not insulting; that with which you have taunted me, who is not taunting; that with which you have berated me, who is not berating: that I don’t accept from you. It’s all yours, Brahman. It’s all yours.

Whoever returns insult to one who is insulting, returns taunts to one who is taunting, returns a beating to one who is berating, is said to be eating together, sharing company with that person. But I am neither eating together nor sharing your company, Brahman. It’s all yours. It’s all yours.”

So what do we take away from this?

People, including you and I, are carrying a hold host of issues that are brought to any given interaction. If someone is being insulting, if we insult them back, we are basically accepting their insult, sitting down with them at the table and sharing company with someone who we would like rather not share company with.

So the next time someone is rude or insulting to you, remind yourself, “I am not sharing your company, it’s all yours, it’s all yours.”

Note: In this story, the Buddha was not insulting, taunting or berating prior to the Brahman’s behavior. It may be the case that we did do something prior that hurt the other person. If this is the case, then it’s important to look at our part in the picture and move toward reconciliation if possible.

Please share your thoughts, stories and questions below. Your interaction provides a living wisdom for us all to benefit from.

Dealing with Difficult People: Sharon Salzberg


Elisha Goldstein, Ph.D.

Elisha Goldstein, Ph.D. is creator of the six month online program A Course in Mindful Living, author of the book Uncovering Happiness: Overcoming Depression with Mindfulness and Self-Compassion, The Now Effect, co-author of A Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction Workbook, Foreword by Jon Kabat-Zinn, author of Mindfulness Meditations for the Anxious Traveler: Quick Exercises to Calm Your Mind, the premier eCourse Basics of Mindfulness Meditation: A 28 Day Program, the Mindful Solutions audio series, and the Mindfulness at Work™ program currently being adopted in multiple multinational corporations. Join The Now Effect Community for free Daily Now Moments and a Weekly Newsletter. Dr. Goldstein is a clinical psychologist in private practice in West Los Angeles.


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APA Reference
Goldstein, E. (2010). Dealing with Difficult People: Sharon Salzberg. Psych Central. Retrieved on August 25, 2019, from https://blogs.psychcentral.com/mindfulness/2010/06/dealing-with-difficult-people-sharon-salzberg/

 

Last updated: 14 Jun 2010
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