What is evil? Why does it exist? Why do we have to fight so many battles? What is the purpose of it all? If there exists good and bad, we might as well call that bad thing “evil” at times. People who abuse children are evil. People who rape women are evil. Hitler was evil. Such individuals may also be suffering from mental illness.
Recovery is Being Moved to Tears
I went to Journey Community Church in La Mesa on Sunday. A friend had invited me. This month happens to be a series called “God at the Movies.” This week Darkest Hour was discussed. This is a movie which follows Winston Churchill in his darkest hour during World War II. The church has a live band with amazing singers. Why did this particular discussion have to be so moving? It moved me to tears during one of the songs, with the words displayed on either side of the stage on big screens. You see, the pastor spoke to me without knowing he was speaking to my heart. He talked about people who have lost hope and about helping those people turn around the negative self-talk. He talked about suicide without naming it. But I heard the message loud and clear. I am one of those people who have in the past lost all hope and who, at times, sees no alternative than to end my own life.
The Pain and Suffering Are Real
“If you’re going through hell, keep going.” Winston Churchill was apparently a quotable man. I think this is what every severe major depressive episode feels like. It feels like you are going through hell. Whatever caused your depression, you must know it is not your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong to deserve this. Sometimes people who have been sexually abused develop symptoms of PTSD and depression as a result of the abuse. I would like to share with you that I was in that darkest hour for many years after I left my abuser and ex-husband. I have found that some people don’t believe that marital rape exists. It is even harder to prove. I will testify to the fact that marital rape is absolutely a thing. It’s real and it happens all the time, all over the world.
Evil Needs to be Powerful and in Control
Who rapes another person? Who sells another person’s body against that person’s will? Who intends to violate another person’s most intimate physical parts? We all know that it’s not about sex at that point. It’s about power and control. It’s about the sick pleasure of conquering another human being. Often times those who sexually violate others are narcissistic. They believe the world should revolve around them and that they should get what they want. These abusers are in fact weak. There is a gaping, open wound inside of them that went untreated, usually from the past, even from their childhood. They need to feel powerful even though they are weak, and so they take advantage of someone who is perhaps weaker than they are: someone whom they have beat down physically, psychologically and emotionally.
Psychotherapy Taught Me How to be Myself
I used to believe that the only worth of my entire being and existence was to provide sex at the will of others. This came to me in the disguise of “love” and if I loved him I would do these things for him. I was not valued for my intelligence, my radiant personality, or my sense of humour. In fact, I had no voice as it had been stomped out of me. I had no friends to tell me this was not how things were supposed to be, and I had been successfully isolated from my family. Everything seemed to be going well on his end until, through psychotherapy, I began to regain my sense of self which had been taken away from me. I couldn’t imagine a life without my abuser but at the same time, I couldn’t go on continuing to be sexually abused. The only logical conclusion I was able to come to was to kill myself in order to make the immense pain go away.
Living is Triumph and Victory
But I didn’t kill myself. I am still here. And every suicidal episode that I have, I come out victorious on the other side. Others aren’t so lucky. It’s not just luck though, it’s a measure of the relative severity of the trauma versus the will to actually survive. We aren’t merely survivors. We are overcomers. Every single person who has stood in my shoes is an overcomer because they have managed to overcome the worst of the worst. Things can’t get really worse than when you are contemplating ending your life. If you survive suicidal thinking, the only way that things can eventually go is up.
You Are Worthy
You, my reader, are worthy. You are worthy of love from yourself and of others. You are not a bad person. Bad things happen to good people and there is no sense in it. But having suffered from evil deeds you can turn your life around and conquer the pain so that you can fill up that space inside of you with self-love, self-compassion, and self-kindness. You deserve attention and you deserve to be respected, to be valued, and to be treated with dignity. There is no evil in this world that can take away your worth as a human being, even if you can’t see that worth. Others can. When you are feeling weak, reach out and let others hold onto the hope which isn’t yet strong.
You Can Make a Difference
There is evil in this world and it’s not our job to understand it. Our job is to take care of ourselves and to stay safe. If bad things have happened, eventually light will conquer darkness. If any of these words have meant something to you, then take that feeling with you after you are done reading and apply it to your own life. You don’t have to go public with your story, but you can stand up for yourself and for those around you. If you see someone suffering and you are stable, reach out to that person. It takes one person to make a difference, and that difference could be you.