I can recall, in my darkest moments, I would think about how much I wanted to relieve my pain.
I wouldn’t always necessarily think about the ways I would relieve it, but I would think “I wish I could disappear,” or “I wish I were dead,” because that seemed easier than living through another moment of the pain I was feeling. The thoughts were fleeting at first but became more intense as my depression got worse.
Sometimes I would be walking across a bridge on the way to work, and the thoughts would be as simple as “should I jump right now?”
I would always wonder how everyone else seemed to be functioning through their daily lives. They were waking up in the morning, showering daily, maintaining social lives, working, dealing with stressful situations, and more. I didn’t even have the energy to take the first step. Some days I couldn’t get out of bed at all. It was painful just to leave my bedroom, and just to think of all of the things I was responsible for, even if it was just brushing my teeth, or making a phone call.
Everything was painful. Every thought was painful.
People say that having suicidal thoughts is weak. They say that suicide is selfish. This usually comes from those who have never experienced suicidal thoughts.
As someone who has lived with recurring suicidal thoughts, it took all of the strength I had to stay alive. It took all of the strength I had every single day, just to keep moving forward and to persevere.
Suicide and suicidal thoughts are not selfish. Mental illness is not something to be ashamed of.
There is hope. I thought there was no hope for me during a very dark time. But miraculously, I came out of it on the other side and found light in that darkness. If I was able to do that, anyone else can too.
You are worth living, even when you don’t know it.
If you are struggling like I was, there is always help.
Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255).
TEXT The Crisis Text Line at 741741