Bipolar to Me

What’s Bipolar to me? It’s waking up in the morning and struggling to find the courage to face the day. It’s lying to everyone including yourself about why you missed the exam. You were “sick with a fever”. You know that’s not true but they can’t know the truth. It’s feeling instant relief one day after months or weeks of sleeping until 2 PM.

That relief fills you with elation, energy, and the ability to go on and on about random subjects that no one but you cares about. You can spend 500 dollars in a night without a single guilty thought. Clothes. Shoes. Alcohol. Find a boy, any boy. Have sex. Do it again the next night. You are the best of the best. Look at you; you’re going to change the world. Then you crash. Regret everything. Where are the tears coming from? Why can’t I summon enough energy to get out of bed for class? I need to get to work but I can’t do that without four espresso shots in my coffee and that just causes an even worse crash later. What’s the point of this life? Why am I here? All I can do is sleep and cry anyway. Change my meds. Maybe if you increase a dose of this one, I’ll feel more energetic tomorrow. Maybe if you decrease a dose of that one, I’ll be able to sleep better tonight. I’m so sick of being controlled by drugs. When is the last time I was truly myself and not a brain run by medications? But what if the meds are making me more of ‘myself’? How is any of this logical? Maybe I don’t know who I am at all. I’m so tired.

Bipolar to Me

Caiti Gearsbeck

Caitlin is an advocate for mental health awareness and suicide prevention and lives with a diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder. She is passionate about spreading awareness and sharing her story and hopes to help others living with mental illness feel less alone in their journey.

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APA Reference
Gearsbeck, C. (2017). Bipolar to Me. Psych Central. Retrieved on July 11, 2020, from


Last updated: 6 Sep 2017
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