It is kind of hard to put this into words. But basically, I have really been struggling lately with my own relationship with love.
Love is a very essential thing to have in life - or at least it feels essential for me to have love in my life.
I realize it is probably not quite so essential as food, water, shelter, safety - in the sense that, without these basics, all the rest can quickly become a highly theoretical exercise anyway.
But once those necessities are solidly in place, what is left to look for in life? Love. And this can - at least for me - prompt some personally uncomfortable questions.
For instance - what is my relationship like with others? What is my relationship like with me? Where does my supply of love come from? Is that supply consistent? Is there any danger of the supply being interrupted or even ceasing altogether?
This is particularly significant because, for those of you who have been following along here for some time, you probably remember I went through a breakup with my longtime partner about five months ago.
The breakup caused a huge interruption in my supply of love. Or perhaps "interruption" is not the right word - it was more like the supply just suddenly ran out.
To clarify, this never made me question whether separating was the right thing to do. On the contrary - it felt like the only loving thing left to try that might safeguard what love we had previously shared together.
Yet it wasn't until after the split when I began to realize to what extent I had let my own efforts to ensure a steady supply of self-love lapse.
This prompted yet another whole set of uncomfortable self-queries...queries that eventually led me to realize the real reason for our split.