8 thoughts on “Have You Been Shame Slammed? What It Means & How to Deal

  • March 11, 2020 at 7:15 am

    Your list for dealing with shame slamming is great!
    What I tell myself is that people who consistently shame slam me, are not very nice. It says more about them than it does about me- their insecurities, their unfulfilled dreams, their jealousy of some perceived superiority I have over them. I try and interact with supportive people instead, which is difficult but not impossible. I think I’m losing patience with people as I get older, I want nice people in my life!?!

    • March 11, 2020 at 12:18 pm

      I’m so glad to hear that you found value in this post – and thank you for sharing your coping tips as well! What you share reminds me about what Don Miguel Ruiz (Four Agreements) often says: “don’t take things personally.” And yet – I want nice people in my life too!! Perhaps it is all about balance – don’t take it personally but also choose our interactions carefully like you say.

      • March 14, 2020 at 12:58 pm

        Yes, someone told me that if we experience a sudden ‘attack’ by another person criticising us or undermining us, they are projecting something they don’t like about themselves onto us. It could be that, couldn’t it? It’s hard to think about that when we’re attacked though :/

      • March 15, 2020 at 1:37 pm

        One of my favorite Don Miguel Ruiz quotes is “don’t take anything personally.” But you are so right – it sure is hard to remember when we are being attacked!

  • March 11, 2020 at 9:20 am

    Shannon, thank you for this. I really appreciate all your self-care tips for when you are feeling this way; it’s also helpful to have a terminology for this event. Heaven knows it’s happened to me a lot, and it just makes me build walls and not be vulnerable to anyone, which really isn’t a solution. I’m going to print this article out and keep it!

    • March 11, 2020 at 12:16 pm

      Oh how I hear you! I was so grateful to wake up one day and find the right words to share what I’m (still) learning about dealing with shame here. And I’m doubly grateful to know it resonates with you and is helpful for you as well. Thanks for your encouraging comment. ๐Ÿ™‚

  • March 14, 2020 at 4:59 am

    It’s maybe not exactly the same thing, but I have experienced a similar feeling when people find out about my mental illness (borderline personality disorder).

    A few months ago, I was having a healthy debate in a group setting with a (now ex) friend and he disagreed with my opinion. I had previously told him about my mental illness, and he seemed so understanding at the time.

    However, when he wanted to quickly gain the upper hand, he asked me, in front of everyone, “Is this your BPD making you say this or is it some other disability?”

    I immediately felt my face flush with shame. I was so embarrassed.

    It takes me a long time to open up to someone and tell them that I have BPD. He betrayed my trust by trying to humiliate me and make me feel “defective” by saying I had a disability.

    I don’t tell many people about my struggles with mental illness; they tend to distance themselves from me after I confide in them. This was actually worse! It would have been easier if he had just cut me out of his life. Instead, he thrust me into an unanticipated situation of feeling public shame.

    It will be a long time before I tell anyone about my BPD ever again.

    • March 14, 2020 at 11:21 am

      Boy it sure sounds like shame slamming to me! And it feels the same when I read your story as when it happens to me. Oh my heart goes out to you! I’m glad to know you distanced yourself from that individual. There may have been quiet listeners in that group who could only be glad he wasn’t revealing their secrets instead of yours. After all, we all have our weak spots. We all seem to know (this is one of Brene Brown’s points I will never forget) exactly how shame feels even though no one taught us “this feeling is shame.” Thank you for bravely sharing your story here. <3


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