This is a question I have been pondering a lot lately.
And when I say “a lot” I basically mean every morning, all day long and every night. Sometimes I also dream about it.
In these dreams, I am usually running late for something. Often it is a trip I haven’t finished packing for or an exam for a class I forgot I was enrolled in. Sometimes I am racing around looking for something or someone I simply cannot find, or trying to dial a number that won’t go through.
These days, my life is often more exciting in my dreams than when I am awake, although not necessarily in a good way.
At three and half months post-breakup from my longtime love, I think I am doing pretty well, actually. Definitely hanging in there, at least staying afloat, but wondering if the muscles that keep me treading water are at risk of getting overdeveloped compared to the rest of me.
Am I still moving forward or have I stalled out completely? I honestly cannot tell.
I have been spending a good deal of time daily studying on my own with my new self-appointed mentor, Sonia Choquette’s, books and podcasts. In some ways (although not the international fame or best-selling author parts) we are alike. For instance, like me, she experienced the sudden end to a long-term relationship – and actually wrote two books about her experiences which I was so grateful to discover as I was moving through the initial muck of my own grief.
But unlike me, she has had the help of her long connection with intuition – what she likes to call her “vibes” – to help her through it.
As for me, I have since been industriously attempting to locate my vibes.
In one recent Instagram post, Sonia talks about how transformation takes time. She writes:
Do you remember where you started? You’re not who you were a year ago, a month ago or even a week ago! You’re forgetting how much progress you’ve made. You’re forgetting all the little wins, all the little lessons that have brought you here to who you are now. Don’t be in a hurry, transformation takes time. Enjoy the adventures along the way.
If I look at the last few months through her eyes rather than my own, I can start to see little wins pop up and wave. They are tiny, mind you, but still they are there. And I can trace them back and see how I might have started working on them weeks, months or even years ago.
In contrast, the big stuff feels just as stalled out as it ever has and it doesn’t seem to want to budge. This has me a little worried – after all, if it takes a little win years to manifest, how many lifetimes will I need for a big win?
However, the one thing I have noticed is that worrying about being stalled out isn’t helping the situation any. So when the worry gets out of hand, I send myself back to work, hunting and sniffing around like a naked mole rat in a tunnel for any evidence a vibe might be passing through to give me more direction.
It is a challenge to perceive where that balance is between being contentedly grateful for what is and still remaining (sort of) patiently aware of what I hope for that isn’t anywhere in sight.
Today’s Takeaway: Have you ever undergone a really big life change and found yourself popping out the other end into….nothing? Like, everything is really….open? Spacious (I prefer this to “empty”) and, well, waiting? How could you tell the difference between being stalled out and simply waiting for the transformation that was to come? I’d love to hear your stories!