When New Year’s Eve turned into New Year’s Day of this year, I set an intention as usual for the year ahead.
This year – 2019 – felt very different. For starters, after 15 years of partnership, I was walking into a whole new year as a newly single person.
I was also experiencing for what may actually be the first time ever in my life (at age 48!) what it feels like to have a working thyroid gland.
And my parents were finally resettled in their home after hurricane Harvey’s devastation, freeing up some time and energy to finish other long-delayed projects like my mom’s and my new recipe book!
So…bittersweet. Which I happen to adore in chocolate but not so much in the rest of life.
This made my intention for 2019 easy to discern: “Look Inside and See Who Is There.”
In other words, I already knew 2019 would necessarily be a year of turning within, reconnecting with myself and my life, wobbling forward somehow without any of the interpersonal structure I had grown so accustomed to accommodating, avoiding old pitfalls and potholes in favor of newer, smoother, straighter pathways.
Oddly, I guess I was already so consumed with this very agenda I neglected to post my intention here as I usually do!
But pretty much from January 1 forward, I have been drawn to certain mentors, resources, books, movies, experiences that support this inward-seeking focus.
One such mentor is Sonia Choquette, an author and teacher and intuitive who talks so much about tuning in to what she calls our “vibes.” Right now I am reading a book she wrote called “Ask Your Guides” because if anyone could use some guides right now, it surely is me!
I would like to ask my guides lots of things, but first I have to find them. According to Sonia, the first step to finding your spirit guides is to – wait for it – look inside and see who is there.
Right in chapter one, which is the only chapter I have read so far, she asks a very tough question (which I will paraphrase for brevity’s sake):
If you had to describe your spirit self, what would you say?
I am completely stuck. After all my years of recovering from eating issues, anxiety, depression, panic attacks, codependency, (insert laundry list of issues here), I am completely drawing a blank.
This is significant, I feel, because I have no trouble describing the other parts of me.
I can readily describe my body. It is this height and that weight and these measurements. It has this skin color and that (ever-changing) hair color and is this age and that gender.
My mind is even easier. It is a think-a-holic. It loves to think, ponder, dream, muse, worry, fret, stew, imagine, create – it stays very active pretty much all the time.
My heart is not quite so easy but still doable. It is fierce and also soft, gentle on the inside yet hard on the outside. It trusts way too easily but loves cautiously. It has a weak spot for animals, plants, the moon, the ocean, cute thrift shop finds.
But my spirit….how to describe my spirit. To be honest, I’m not even sure I’ve quite located my spirit as of yet! I know where my body, mind and heart are, but my spirit….that is more challenging. I suspect it fills in the cracks, kind of like ice cream after a big meal when you think you are full but somehow manage to make room for a scoop or two.
My spirit….how to describe it….I think my spirit is without fear. And not because there is nothing scary out there, but because it doesn’t need fear to protect it. It doesn’t need fear because it has vibes – intuition – guides.
I think my spirit has a type of navigational system I imagine is somewhat like an internally-installed GPS that is always accurate, never goes down because a passing asteroid just blocked the satellite feed, always yells out the turn before you pass the intersection and never gets confused about where in the world you actually are when it is giving you directions.
I think my spirit is kind, but the healthy kind of kindness, not the kind where it is always trying to soften bad news or do things for others they need to do for themselves.
My spirit is quite creative – it is a real inventor. Its preferred method for creating is the dream, because that is when the rest of me falls asleep and leaves it alone to focus. It creates all kinds of intriguing things – new possibilities, interesting characters, alternate realities, options for pursuing the future or healing the past.
My spirit is also calm. Unlike the rest of me, it doesn’t get riled up over barking dogs or the neighbor’s loud music. It really doesn’t care about making rent or how dirty the car is. In emergencies, my spirit is the first responder but is often overlooked and unheeded when the drama-seeking paparazzi overreacts as usual.
And my spirit is connected. My spirit seems to understand that loneliness is easily solvable by reconnecting not outside of myself, but within. My spirit isn’t concerned about whether I am single or have a partner or how many friends I have or what my social calendar looks like.
Most of all, my spirit is helpful….or at least it wants to be. And I think this may be what Sonia is getting at when she talks about tuning into our vibes, connecting with our guides, noticing what provokes an internal sense of connection versus disconnection.
Today’s Takeaway: Have you ever tried to locate or describe your spirit-self? If you want to try this exercise from “Ask Your Guides,” I’d love to hear what you come up with!