As of this morning, I will have moved into my new casa.
I am writing this blog post in advance deliberately, in hopes when I read it in a week (aka today), I will discover that all the bad stuff I’ve been worrying so persistently about will have not manifested….and all the good stuff I’ve been so sure won’t manifest will have presented itself quite faithfully.
You see, I have a real problem trusting the good stuff.
Worrying, however, seems to come to me with ridiculous ease.
If I knew why I am like this, I would of course stop it at once.
Is it DNA? Bad example? Personal choice? Am I lazy? Did I take the “easy way” (in that worrying seems to be so much easier to do than not worrying?)
When I google “what we worry about rarely comes true” I get all kinds of proof that this statement is, in fact, true.
According to various pros in fields as diverse as Biblical studies, medicine and cognitive therapy (as well as many non-pros whom, I suspect, are mostly like me), 85 percent or so of what we worry about never happens.
And since my mentor has drummed into me that the definition of insanity is, of course, persisting to do the same thing again and again while expecting more desirable results, it would seem just reasonable, if not also a huge time saver, to STOP WORRYING.
And yet, it’s almost like I don’t know what else to do with my mental time.
On the day I write this post, many lovely events are in the works. Many of these events are things I have worked long and hard to make come to pass.
For example, there is financial relief on the horizon at last and a possible means to not just pay down but pay off the debt that’s been stalking me ever since my abdominal surgery in 2010.
There is the upcoming move to a casa with ample friendly yard space for both shells (my two turtles, Bruce and Malti) to enjoy the great outdoors and the delicious escargot, slugs and worms that also reside there.
There is ongoing downsizing of material “stuff,” which not only makes my heart literally leap with joy but also is paving the way towards another dream of “living tiny” (more on this later, I suspect!).
And this is just the tangible good stuff – the stuff I can see and feel and nearly make out with my eyes and ears from where I stand today.
Yet I worry none of it will come to pass. My move is next week (or one day past when you are reading this now) and I worry every day that it won’t happen.
The financial reconfiguring and material downsizing is already in progress, and yet at nearly every moment I anticipate it all dematerializing right before my eyes, like Spock in that snazzy transporter thing the Star Trek folks like to use for travel.
Bruce and Malti are hanging in there, weathering life in what amounts to large tupperware storage containers, staying healthy, eating well and putting on their game faces until they finally get to live in the great outdoors like a turtle should.
And yet I worry. I worry about the stuff I just wrote about and all the stuff I haven’t written about that also falls into the category of “good stuff,” aka stuff to worry heavily and often about.
Do you do this too? Do you have trouble believing in the reality of good things? Do you struggle to believe in them as much as you seem to believe in the inevitability of less-desirable (or outright “bad”) things? If you also do this, do you know why you do it? Do you know who taught you or how you learned? Have you tried to unlearn it and if so, how is that going?
I am trying – continually – to allow the good stuff easy access into my life. I strive daily to give it at least as much credence as I do my fearfulness of or resistance to its opposite.
I also realize that folks who are mental health specialists or master meditators might say this is classic “attachment” – it is my desire for the good stuff which makes it hard to believe in, and my aversion to the bad stuff which makes it easy to believe in.
I just don’t find that really makes much sense to me, unless I realize it is because I have categorized my desire itself as “good stuff” and my aversion as “bad stuff.”
Nevertheless, I am working on it. My mentor often says that awareness is the first step towards change. In other words, before I can actually make a shift, I must be aware that a shift is needed (or at least desired in the interests of having a more peaceful, less stressful life).
So right now I would say I am at the stage where I am very, very aware.
Next step…..massive change.
Today’s Takeaway: Can you look back at your life to date and see that many good things you feared would not come to pass actually have, and many bad things you feared would come to pass have not? Would you say the ratio is fairly equal? I’d love to hear what works for you to give the good stuff more of an open and welcoming, worry-free door into your life!